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What To Do When You’ve Said Too Much

What To Do When You’ve Said Too Much

Dear Dr. Sylvia, I read your post yesterday in Examiner.com about anger and by the time I was finished I was sad and depressed. You see, I have come to realize I have a problem with saying way more than is necessary when I get upset. At work they even sent me to an anger management class after I slammed my computer shut and stormed out saying I would probably never come back. EXCEPT I am a highly paid VP and I am super good at my job as a market analyst and I love my job. I even love the company I work for. Funny that I don’t show anger at home, only at work. What is that about? I almost ruined my career and in the process almost ruined some deep and important friendships at work. I am usually a mild tempered really good guy. Any suggestions on how to get the ‘egg off my face’ and how to clean up the mess I left behind? Signed, Keeping Quiet ________________ Dear Quiet, If anger repair could be measured in terms of fixing houses someone could make a fortune. It is amazing what many of us do when we are angry. We blow up, we expand the argument, we gossip, we judge, blame and attack (what I have named JUBLA). Anger decisions mostly backfire. And then we must live with the regret and as you say with sadness and depression. Sadly, many of the wounds we inflict when we are angry are not readily healed. Some of us blame ourselves, mostly we blame others because it is so much...
GUTSY Women and Attachment Parenting

GUTSY Women and Attachment Parenting

Time magazine May issue started a major brouhaha that is hopefully the beginning of a great dialogue about what it means to be a parent and what children really want and need. For me, the photo of the mother and three year old son at his mother’s breast brought up the controversy from decades ago about nursing moms. I was a “thoroughly modern Millie” who, along with most of my peers, saw nursing as a primitive, overly emotional aspect of parenting. After all, formula was easy and healthy…. or so the marketing ads told us. Now most of us realize we were duped into the economics of the baby food industry. There is enough research that indicates breastfeeding is the truest, healthiest way for infants to get both nutrition and nurturing. The big question women are asking right now about attachment parenting is when is enough, enough? What are positive boundaries and what is best for the growth and development of our young? Here are two important books to review. One is by an old friend, Joseph Chilton Pearce, who wrote this in the 1970’s and is still an important source of information “Magical Child”. The other is fresh off the press and again, food for thought; “Bringing Up Bebe” by Pamela Druckerman. My own suggestion is to consider what really matters. How much do I.Q. scores really mean? How vital is it for kids to be on varsity sports teams? What do we do when children say they are bored? Where do computers fit into our lives and their lives? Working or staying at home, the issues are...
Rush Limbaugh Being Told to “SHUT UP”

Rush Limbaugh Being Told to “SHUT UP”

Maybe, just maybe the era of anything goes is ending. Maybe, just maybe the guy with the loud mouth and no couth will be put out to pasture. It’s about time.   I have listened to Mr. Limbaugh, on occasion, to understand his appeal. I have always turned him off with a sense of deep sadness. Oh sure, he has made millions. However, inside that large frame is a tortured little child who is screaming out to be heard by being outrageous and throwing hissy fits. Maybe those who adore him are also stuck at the age of…. well, possible two or three. Time to grow up. Click here to read Rupudiating Limbaugh: A Matter of Integrity, No Politics By Menachem Rosensaft Sylvia Lafair’s comment: Well said. However there is one small edit. President Obama did not stand up on the side of “the weak” when he called that “strong” young woman, Ms. Fluke to speak with her. I believe he was merely underlining what needed to be said, that we will not accept disrespect and that the world is changing to be more decent.The Rush Limbaugh’s of the world are living on borrowed time and will soon be silenced by disdain. Their form of “any press is better than no press” is getting old and stale. The patterns of anything goes behavior that has been around for decades is ready to transform to truth telling (it’s always OUR OWN truth) with dignity. What I teach in my Total Leadership Connections Program is that “telling the truth is NOT spilling your guts”! It is a disciplined art form that...

Women’s Leadership Development and Pattern Repetition

Hey girl, you know it is your time, so don’t waste any of it. Understanding your patterns is key to unlocking your potential. Here is what you need to know about patterns and then the ball is in your court to make change happen. Patterns are behaviors that you repeat and repeat and sadly are not really clear till after the damage is done. As in “I did IT again!”. The “IT” can be anything from eating the hot fudge sundae when you know you feel crappy with so much sugar, to coming in late for work when you know you are already on a performance improvement plan, to “forgetting” to call your mother and you know she will give you the cold shoulder… again! So, why do we do “IT”? Not all patterns are bad, mind you. Some are habits that create security and consistency and most are not troubling. Think of your morning routine, most are patterns you don’t even think about to get done and out of the house on time. These patterns help us stay organized and efficient. It is the other ones, the ones that so many women complain about that need attention. Like being a PLEASER. This one is so old and getting so stale. It is about wanting to be liked, accepted, and hopefully staying in the “in group”. Another is the RESCUER. This one is to make you the hero and have you get lots of applause. And another that is in the women’s camp is the MARTYR, always putting yourself last to make sure everyone else is happy. Give yourself...

Workplace Conflict, Madonna, and the “Digitus Impudictus”

Most workplace conflict is contained in a room, or maybe behind closed doors. Not so on Super Sunday when Madonna starred in her half time show ending with a vision of “world peace”. A gazillion people watched. So, what was with someone hired to come over from the UK to dance and sing who simply had to show that middle finger. For what purpose? This was a perfect example of workplace conflict, of inappropriate boundaries, of the need to be seen and heard, no matter what the cost. Rather than use her name and give her more publicity, I would like to bring up the question: what part of an individual is so starved for attention they will behave badly just to be seen? It seems that the rule today is that any publicity is better than no publicity. Recently I was on a television program called “The Girls.” I was asked to talk about how men and women behave differently when in stressful meetings. It was lots of fun and I saw the power of having a captive audience where any moment, any movement could be seen and dissected by a lot of people. It is a responsibility not to be taken lightly. The need to sensationalize is strong in many individuals who, I guess, are empty inside. They get off on extreme attention and are the drama queens and kings with no understanding of healthy boundaries. I hope Madonna, as the boss of her show, brings this woman to task. It would be so easy to want to respond with her own “digitus impudicus”. Yet, as a...

Can Bullying be Passive Aggressive?

She smiled sweetly and said she understood what was needed for the product in her territory to sell better. She wrote down what was said in the sales meeting. She had a list of places to call and people to meet. Yet nothing happened. Her boss had stomach aches and sleepless nights. He would fall asleep with the memory of that sweet smile and the promises of success. He was at an impasse. When he finally had THE MEETING, the one to tell her she was being let go, the room suddenly felt like an August day at the beach. He shed his wool sweater, even though the snow was still falling outside his window. He kept hearing the word “bully” in his mind. Who was the bully? He was responding in a kind yet direct manner. She was an under performer and it was costing the firm money. Finally, he heard the word out loud, from her mouth “You, Sir, are a bully and this is not the last of it. You will hear from me.” She turned and smiled that sweet smile. She had one hand on her hip, the other on the doorknob and said, “You have been out to get me for a long time and don’t think I haven’t been keeping records. You’ll see. Just you wait, you’ll see”. With that she slammed the door, hard. He sat at his desk feeling like he had been smacked across the face with a board embedded with nails. At that moment, he had a new definition of a bully; one who plays the game, never intending...