If you (or someone you know is) are a rescuer, it’s time for a change.
Relax. Just chill. Don’t do anything. Take care of yourself and forget about helping others.
Take a break from saving the world.
If these words bring a big sigh coming all the way up from your gut you’re listening to your second brain.
Read about this brain >>HERE<< (yes, you all have one). And when you think “got it” to yourself you are ready for what I am about to say.
You, dear Ms., or Mr., you are a rescuer.
Think about it, especially at this holiday time of year. It’s the season to be kind and helpful and jump in to protect those who seem, well, helpless.
Rescuers live to save victims. Whether it’s a woman facing sexual harassment or a man who thinks there is racial stereotyping on the job or you teenager who has a final paper they want you to complete cause its so close to Christmas break.
If you are a rescuer, its time to change. Why, because it stunts the growth of those you are seemingly supporting.
Question: Why rescue? Answer: It makes you feel good. Feel good, as in you’ll get a dopamine boost. When you jump in and literally save someone, you become a hero and there are lots of pats on the back and mounds of appreciate. Your reward center light up. Yes, just like you won a gazillion coins at the casino.
Next question: Where did this start? Usually, at a young age and at home. Picture this scene, a persecutor parent yells and disparages a sibling. The victim sibling retreats under the covers and stays mute. The rescuer, who is empathetic and caring, jumps in to protect the victim.
I call this “The Unholy Triangle.”
Most of the time, rescuers are seen as amazing people (especially by the victim). They are resourceful and strong, someone you can depend on.
EXCEPT: it keeps the triangle locked in place and no one grows past the pain.
Here is a video to show you how to talk with a rescuer. I also suggest, if you have a coach to guide you to next levels of personal and professional success, get to an observation station of your own relationship with them.
I know from having been a therapist, and now a leadership breakthrough coach, that many individuals in the field are still looking for the reward high and when they jump in to over-help, I call this “self-serving altruism.”
Rescuers become mentors and THAT is how it should be.