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Coaching Leadership Strategies Patterns

How to STOP Being a Pleaser

Hi everyone, Silvia Lafair here and I’m calling all pleasers. I’ve got some new research. I did and a half for me. So, pay attention, very interesting. I have a big question for anybody who’s a pleaser, lives with a pleaser, knows a pleaser. You can ask them or answer it yourself. Big question, do you say ‘YES’ because you care or do you say ‘YES’ because you want to be accepted. Big difference in those two yeses, and you know I have found that until you really understand the why of your ‘YES,’ you’re never gonna be able to say ‘NO’ in a strong way. It’s interesting ‘cuz for years, I’ve been teaching.

Remember, ‘NO’ is a complete sentence and people laugh. They think that’s really great and all the leaders love it and the emerging leaders get it, but it’s really not enough. So, what I say is, remember ‘NO’ is a complete sentence, and you don’t have to defend, explain or justify. You just have to say it and yet I have found so many people, really it sticks in their throat. They can’t get it out and their ‘NO’ comes out more like a question than an exclamation point. They’re going nooo.., I know I really can’t do it, but you, when you hear that most people know they can maneuver and figure a way to get the pleaser to do what they want.

So, again the question, “Do you say ‘YES’ because you care or do you say ‘YES’ because you want to be accepted, and I believe many pleasers are in the one of the accepted realm. Not good or bad. You just have to understand it, and do something about it.

So, here’s the thing. As I was working on this new program I’m putting together, called ‘Stress Busters,’ I really figured out something that I don’t know why it took me so long, but I figured it out, and that’s that, a lot of pleasers can’t say ‘NO’ because they think it’s impolite, because they think it’s harsh and it’s rude and the truth is, it can be. So, I’ve created what I’m calling that, ‘Not for Me Method.’ This is an interim method. It’s like strength training you have to practice till you can lift the heavy weights, where you have to practice till you can finally say the real ‘NO’ and mean it and people will listen.

So, here’s what you do, this is the ‘Not for Me Method’ right? Okay. So, if somebody says, ‘Will you take on a new project?’ And you want to say ‘NO,’but you think that’s impolite or I’m giving you another direct report and you want to say, ‘No, can’t handle any more’ or there’s another meeting and you’re going to say, ‘No, I have too much’ or ‘Are you making dinner tonight?’ You want to say ‘No, you have two hands to go make dinner or we have to do this for the kids,’ and you’re saying, ‘No, not right now.’ Anyway, this is the interim. Okay, take a pause. Take a breath when somebody says something ‘NO.’

Here’s the polite way. We want to be polite. So, the first thing when somebody says something is, you say, ‘Thanks or thank you.’ That’s polite right? We don’t teach people to say thank you. So, you’re going to say, ‘Thank you,’ and then you’re going to say, here’s the sentence: ‘This is just not the right time for me. Thank you, this is just not the right time for me,’ or ‘Thanks, that doesn’t work for me now and practice it.’ I promise you you’re going to be able to say it with more conviction than just saying the ‘NO,’ just saying a plain ‘NO,’ and once you do that, it frees something up. You please is because pleasers in my model, transform into truth-tellers. More about that in the ‘Stress Busters’ stuff.

So, you’re gonna let go of those horrible feelings of guilt and overwhelm and obligation. You’re just gonna say, ‘Thank you, that won’t work for me right now.’ It’s better than just that brute ‘No.’ So, that’s what I’m giving you today and if you’d like more information, DM me. If you have questions, put them down at the bottom of this.

Love to hear from you. Love to have communication, going back and forth and pleasers. I promise you, I promise you, I wrote this very powerfully here because I want you to get that. Once you do this, you will have more room, more freedom, more energy for things you love to do. So, give it a shot and have a beautiful day.

Thank you so much.