Business, Business and Life Patterns, Confidence, Growth, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Success

3 Key Ways to Win at Work

Sylvia Lafair
October 1, 2019

My work with individuals and groups over the years has helped me to uncover 3 key ways to win at work when you’re feeling frazzled and ready to throw in the towel.

Have you found that at one time or another you wanted to stuff a sock in someone’s mouth rather than listen to them wail or rail?

Think about the gal on your team that never stops complaining, or the big shot who is always bragging, or the bully who steamrolls over others with their point of view and never listens to others.

You go home exhausted from the tension and lack of cooperation.

“It’s just business,” you say to yourself with a shrug.

Hey there, pay attention. That’s just traditional wisdom playing with you.

And it’s simply NOT true.

There are businesses with great leaders who get along, have fun at work, enjoy solving challenges together, and make great profits.

You belong in that setting. Here’s what many leaders have done to create workplaces that work.

Let’s look at the three main ways of changing what’s not working, for you or those on your team (Hint for leaders: you need to start with yourself before you can be of help to others).

Here is the way OUT:

Observe your own behavior: If you have a problem and you solve it, that’s great. That’s what business is all about. However, if the same problem keeps showing up time after time, well then, you have a pattern to deal with.

Once you declare a problem to be repetitive, then you can make change happen.

Understand the root issues: Close the door or go sit in your car. No distractions. Write out what is keeping you stuck. Not a dissertation, just a short paragraph. Now, answer this question “When else did you have the same feelings of frustration and upset?”

Connect the dots from past upsets to the present problem. My bet is that you will see quickly how the past and present are related.

Transform by taking action: This is where you commit to change. Take an honest look at the part you play in the on-going situation (yes, you do play a role, so don’t try to wiggle out of this by pointing your finger at others). Changing behavior beyond a superficial way requires discipline, experimentation, and practice.

There are 13 major patterns that get in the way of positive relationships at work. You can find out which one/s have you name on them by taking the Leadership Quiz at www.ceoptions.com.

Take the quiz. It’s eye-opening.

Cause if you don’t, you’ll stay stuck in pattern repetition, like the guy in the movie Groundhog Day.

Once you learn to harness your own power by transforming the negative patterns into healthy ones you get amazing rewards. There is more honest communication, better relationships, optimized team collaboration, and greater financial success.

Become a pattern buster and watch your leadership abilities soar.

Confidence, Growth, Managing Stress, Stress, Success

5 Sayings That Will Inspire You Even When You Feel Overwhelmed and Frustrated

Sylvia Lafair
September 25, 2019

I want to share a story from one of my coaching clients that I’m sure will resonate with you if you’ve ever found yourself feeling overwhelmed and frustrated…

One of my coaching clients sent the following, “I had a fender bender on the way to work. Then, because I was late and rushing, I tripped going on the up escalator. (Who the heck ever trips on a UP escalator?). Then, I spilled coffee on my new shirt.

They say bad things come in 3’s.

It’s not true. Bad things can be like an avalanche and keep happening. I will tell you what happened later after I ask for some HELP. Yes, I really need some help to quash the loud, unforgiving voice in my head saying, “You really are a total jerk.”

My self-doubt has me glued to my office chair. I’m afraid to get up for fear that I will start the next wave of 3 more terrible things happening to prove what a jerk I really am.

What I need is a way to turn off the noise in my head and get some work done. So, please give me something to smile about.

That said, back to my bad luck day.

My assistant stood at the doorway of my office with a look of “How can I tell him this?”

The “this” was that one of our best clients is taking business elsewhere. AND, informed us in a very sanitized email with little explanation.

At that point, I thought I should poke a pen in my eye.

That would be “bad thing 5” and then maybe be proactive and cancel my massage (where I figured I would get my back out of whack) to stave off “bad thing 6” when I got a message that my massage was canceled.

Now I must worry about what next awful thing will happen.

What do you suggest when a bad day is really, really, a bad day?

Here is my response.

When stress is high, and energy is low you need some of my Bumper Stickers For The Brain. You gotta remember the following:

Change is constant: Become like a flowing river by constantly adapting and improvising and keep moving.

Victims become victors: Find at least three options to each situation by asking yourself what else you can do to feel the fear and do it anyway.

Winners never whine: Winning is an attitude that includes grace under pressure to not judge, blame or attack yourself or anyone else.

Obstacles are opportunities: You’ve hit a bump, or several, that are merely detours to your final success; know that hope is not a plan, you need to act, not just react.

Stay the course: Keep your eyes on your goals and don’t let feat, self -doubt or imposter syndrome drag you down.

Get a FREE copy of my Bumper Stickers For the Brain Book Full of Sayings that Will Inspire You

Just click on the button below and get your copy today

Click Here for Instant Access!

Change, Confidence, Growth, Human Capital Management, Success

The Gratitude Intervention Challenge

Sylvia Lafair
September 18, 2019

When was the last time you practiced gratitude? This post is all about the power of gratitude and my invitation to join me on a gratitude intervention challenge.

“Yesterday was a soggy day, with non- stop rain and draining humidity” began an email I received with the subject title of “What a happy day.”

It didn’t make sense…

It was a long, detailed email about work difficulties and disappointments. Until the end. And then I thought, “OKAY, I get it now.”

I’ll skip all the complaints and go right to the punch line.

“So, Sylvia, I was standing at the bottom of the Macy’s escalator waiting for my husband who was taking forever to get a new pair of jeans. I was frustrated and miserable. I hated work, I hated me. As I leaned on the jewelry counter thinking every negative thing I could about me, my life, the state of the world, the amount of time I was wasting waiting here, when a kid walked over, he must have been about eleven years old.

His smile was infectious.

He leaned toward me and said ‘You really look great today. I mean, you really look great!’ And with that he did a perfect pivot and before I could even say ‘huh?’ he was gone.

My husband descended the escalator and greeted me with ‘Well, you sure look happy now. Did you buy something special?”

I was still processing that moment of unexpected appreciation and all I could muster was ‘Didn’t buy anything special. I was given something special.”

Here is my response to my client:

“I’m glad you are working through all the messy issues at work. And hooray for that mysterious little boy. He gave you, now, all of us, a precious gift.

I call this a GRATITUDE INTERVENTION CHALLENGE and I suggest we all lift our gratitude quotient by doing what that little boy did. Reach out and touch someone.

Give gratitude, acknowledgment, appreciation, thanks to someone who doesn’t expect it.

What will that do for you? What will that do for the other person? What will that do for our very contentious world that needs more positive, creative energy?

It will make you feel better and hopefully the other person also.

The Gratitude Intervention Challenge

Acknowledge someone who annoys you or you feel betrayed you at work. Maybe it’s someone who is the office gossip, or the bully who made you look stupid on purpose or, the over the top pleaser who stepped in with a smile to get the plum assignment meant for you.

Think about that person for a moment…They may:

See you as a threat
Be miserable inside themselves
Want to be your friend and feel inadequate
Have serious health issues
Be in relationship difficulties

Now, find something you can acknowledge them for.

Come one, you can find at least one thing. Then ask if they can meet for a few minutes and ask them where they would like to meet. Ask them, don’t tell them. Giving gratitude and learning to understand each other is at the core of great leadership.

I’d love to hear the results. Do what scares the crap out of you and strengthen your gratitude muscle.

Remember, the tiniest effort can have a huge impact.

Change, Coaching, Confidence, Growth, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Success

Giving thanks can transform your life

Sylvia Lafair
August 20, 2019

Giving thanks can transform your life, so let me start by expressing some gratitude and share some bits of wisdom that can help you feel more gratitude and appreciation for all that you have in this post.

First, let me say “Thank You” to all of you who are part of my newsletter network.

Secondly, let me invite all the women here to join my Women Leaders Inner Circle Group on Facebook. It would mean a lot to me to have you as part of the membership there. (Sorry men, I will have more for you when the Total Leadership Connections Program goes on-line in the fall).

Thirdly, I would like to say how much I appreciate my Pattern Breakthrough Coaches who make a difference for so many. You can see who they are here.

Fourthly, I’d like to talk about the role of gratitude in our world of “stuff and nonsense.”

I recently did a Facebook Live where I talked about 3 mental/emotional strength training exercises to help you go from overwhelmed to energized.

Several people messaged me to say that they had forgotten how important it is to appreciate even the smallest things in life that seem so insignificant until that is, you really look at what matters.

That led me to remember what renowned Vietnamese Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh said many years ago at a meditation retreat I attended at the Plum Village Monastery in France. It is a big/small story about gratitude and the small/big stuff of life.

During the dark days of the Viet Nam War, there was little to appreciate.

Life was about just getting through, moment by moment.

Chang Kung, one of the Buddhist nuns came to Thay (which means teacher) and

expressed her weariness and despair at the pain and suffering she saw around her.

Thay suggested she give gratitude. Chan Khong was so overwhelmed and exhausted

she could not think of even one thing for which to be grateful.

Thay said to pay attention and something would reveal itself.

Later that day she was walking near a river wondering how much more she could do to

help the hurting and frightened people in the midst of war.

She looked down at the mud under her feet, wanting to be careful not to slip.

And then it happened.

Let me stop for just a moment to underline the power of living in the moment. It’s not easy since our minds will make up so many stories based on fear, revenge, guilt, anger, and righteousness. However, the more we practice living in the moment, the more that can be revealed to us. Here’s what happened for Chan Khong.

In the midst of the muddy mess, she looked over and saw a tiny red flower growing from

the side of a small rock.

That’s it!

No big deal, just a tiny red flower growing from the side of a small rock. Yet, What Chan Khong said to Thay about this moment is so special, it’s about the power of gratitude that we can all learn from.

She said that at that moment, hope returned inside her, thinking that if a tiny flower

can bloom so beautifully in the muck of war, so too could she continue to bloom

and help those around her.

She was able to look at the tiny red flower and show gratitude for its courage to

live and bloom.

She knew, in that moment, she too could live and bloom.

Gratitude can be exchanged for self-pity. It can make you feel better physically, emotionally and mentally. I suggest you spend the first 5 minutes, before you get out of bed in the morning, and give gratitude each day to three people or situations that make a difference for you.

Giving thanks can transform your life.

Business, Confidence, Growth, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Success

What happens when you put yourself first?

Sylvia Lafair
August 14, 2019

What happens when you put yourself first?

Are you seen as selfish, or even worse, as a narcissist?

And if you constantly put yourself at the end of the line, does that make you a good, caring person or a
whining martyr?

In times past…it was the protocol to be humble, smile, and not take much credit. That was polite and proper.
And in those olden days, if a child proudly said they did a great job of painting a picture, skating down
the street without falling, or baking chocolate chip cookies to die for, they were told to stop patting
themselves on the back and being self-serving.

Now, in this present era, there is a contest in all areas of life for people to puff up their achievements
and there is constant competition to be THE BEST.

How healthy are lots of bragging and the need to be better than everyone else? Even more to the point,
how possible is it to really become and stay in THE BEST spot?

One of my clients emailed me recently:

Dear Sylvia,

I took a nosedive for a few weeks feeling frustrated and depressed. I’m just about over that
ugly time and thought you would appreciate where I am now. As you know, I have always been the top
salesperson in my company and lately, there are a few young titans who are working 24-7 to take the
title away from me.

I learned from the coaching I’ve had with you to look at life in a more balanced way.

I really got that work-life balance is a big myth. You can’t cut your daily life into perfect pieces, like an apple pie.

Here is where I am now, and I’d love to hear your thoughts. I finally decided I will let these younger
people become the top sales gurus. I must admit, it took me a bit of time to look at my own ego needs
before I could let go of the B.S. of having to be THE BEST.

I know, I know, you kept hammering home that striving to be THE BEST and striving to stay there is just
plain stupid and can lead to exhaustion and overwhelm.

And thank you for constantly focusing on well- being as a top priority.

So now, I can put myself first by making sure I have all the physical, mental, and emotional nourishment I
need to support myself and also have the delight in knowing I am really good at my job and I can now be
of help to the younger ones and still, have a great career and good financial returns.

So many who have been THE BEST have to make way for others and how they do that shows how strong
they are internally.

I just read that tennis champion, Serena Williams had back spasms and had to leave the Rogers Cup Final
in Toronto. She is a great player and a positive person and rather than make excuses she handled herself
with elegance. No bragging, no defending, no explaining or justifying herself.

And just like me with my young titan sales folks who make me feel like an elder, the gal Serena played
against, Bianca Andreescu is only 19 years old.

Being THE BEST has taken on a whole new meaning that I want to share here. It means not competing
with others the way I used to, it means keeping myself strong enough to handle life’s challenges with dignity.

Like Serena, I want to continue to handle life’s challenges without needing to brag that I am THE BEST.

And I’m glad you have the tools to help people get out of the trap of our cultural obsession with needing
to be THE BEST.

Business and Life Patterns, Communication, Confidence, Patterns

Gaslighting and how it can impact you

Sylvia Lafair
April 17, 2019

Gaslighting is a hot topic these days. Many people are victims of gaslighting without even knowing it. It affects your sense of self-worth, your confidence, and your sanity.

Have you ever spent time with a narcissist or a sociopath? You can sense them from their cunning and self-importance. They are the opposite of fine wine. They get worse with time!

Spend enough hours with those folks and soon you will begin to question your sanity.

Like Don.

He called me requesting some meds for anxiety. As a psychologist, I do not prescribe medication. As his executive coach, we agreed to dig a bit deeper. It soon became clear that he was moving far south of healthy functioning from mixed messages at work.

In my book, Don’t Bring It To Work I talk about the 13 most common behavior patterns we learned as children that we bring into the workplace. The one that is always considered the most difficult to work with, the most difficult to change, I call The Splitter.

Don soon learned that his boss, the CEO of the company was making Don question his own sanity.

Splitters are master manipulators. They are the best of the best in the narcissist and sociopath realm. Splitters are masters at deflecting problems onto others and knowingly give wrong information. They convince you that you just didn’t listen to the right information. They have the ability to really drive you nuts, as in totally crazy and you begin to question everything you say and think.

These Splitters, narcissists, and sociopaths are also the best of the best at gaslighting.

Gaslighting is making the rounds these days and an old film from 1944 gives us the story. Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer is a classic worth watching. It’s like an older version of Game of Thrones showing the misuse of power, revenge, murder, and intrigue.

It’s all about human behavior that seems to be part of our human destiny (until we finally say stop). So, read on and learn.

Gaslighters are compulsive liars (think about any you know personally). My best is a woman who worked for us years ago named Janet. She was a master manipulator and it took some time to figure out what was really going on. I owe her a debt of gratitude since the term Splitter came from her insane behavior. It took time for our entire staff to see how destructive she was (and sadly still is).

Here’s what the Splitters, narcissists, and sociopaths do:

They use gaslighting to gain power and control

They convince you they are right and what you think happened was wrong

They minimize their role to one of being insignificant (“no big deal”)

They conveniently forget and never can remember what they did as abusive

They play the victim while inside they are smirking at you

They are never accountable for their actions

They always vote by including others to convince you they are right

They will back out on promises and say they never ever agreed

They make up conversations that make them look good and you look awful

Problem is they dress well, speak effectively, and will talk to others about you and tell you they “have your back” while they tell you that others don’t care for you.

Want to know how to handle splitters (aka narcissists and sociopaths)? Please read my book, especially pages 83-84 and 156-157.

Now, there is some good news. Splitters who can transform their very destructive behavior become Peace Makers. It takes work to drill down to the root of where and how this started. Then it takes time to change behavior. It can be done.

No Janet never changed and she has had maybe 5 more jobs since she left out organization. However, I can spot a splitter, gaslighter, narcissist, sociopath within minutes these days. If you are working (or living) with a gaslighting splitter, give me a call and I would be honored to help you find your way out of the maze of misery they create.

Call 570 233 1042 to set time to talk.

Business, Confidence, Leadership Strategies, Success

Leadership Strategies: To Stand Out or to Fit In?

Sylvia Lafair
October 16, 2018

Here’s an email I received recently that I think applies to all of us regarding making the choice to stand out or to fit in…

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I am having a real struggle with the opposing desires to stand out or to fit in.

I’m a millennial working in a big city marketing company with tons of really smart people and, I just want to be liked. However, I have good ideas I believe can help some of our campaigns. Yet, I don’t want to be seen as ‘the smart guy’ which would be said with a snicker.

I was always a leader in school, head of this and that. Yet, now I’m hesitant. I’ve just hit 29 and that seems old to me. Hey, I just had a thought. I wonder if I would see some young teen with an idea speak out would I call him ‘the smart guy’ with a snicker on my face. Hmmm!

Okay, back to me. Any advice about speaking out or shutting up?

Thanks,
Climbing the Ladder

Dear Ladder Climber,

It’s always an issue for everyone, when to stand up and when to stay seated. To stand out, first, you have to earn it. So, here’s some advice about taking the right steps:

Start quiet: Get the lay of the land. Do your work and contribute in small ways. Don’t be the Debbie Downer who says nothing will really change at work and don’t be Cheerful Claude who makes everything too sunny.

Volunteer: Raise your hand to do what others don’t want to do. Or do it on your own. Stay late to help a colleague complete a project. You’ll find endless places to help.

Ask for help: Only ask when you really need it. There are so many things you can figure out yourself. However, my rule of thumb is that after 3 attempts at something complex and still no resolve, go ask, don’t wait.

Accept others: Find time to say Hi to people, just because. Everyone wants to be seen, heard and accepted.

Now, it’s time for you to speak out. You’ve proven yourself as a great employee. When you speak out you will do best with short sentences, not paragraphs.

My book on 79 Power Sentences could be of help!

Simply, say you have some good ideas and you would love to hear from others. That’s enough to get you started.

Communication, Confidence, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Leadership Strategies: When is it better to make waves and say NO?

Sylvia Lafair
October 9, 2018

Recently I’ve been asked “When is it better to ‘make waves,’ and say ‘NO’ rather than just go along with what is being said?

My response: The art of communication involves both active listening as well as the ability, to tell the truth appropriately. Here is some important learning about the impact of the simple word ‘NO ’as a key to success.

Show you are in charge: No matter what your title, you are a leader in some respect. When time issues have everyone complaining, you can be the one to say, “There has to be a better way and NO we can’t keep doing what we’re doing the way we are doing it.”

If you are the leader of the team saying NO with strong, clear conviction will help everyone be ready to shift to Plan B.

Stop the office politics: Often co-workers want you to side with them. It’s a natural tendency left over from the schoolyard where cliques formed and caused dissonance. If you show even the slightest interest in the gossip you will quickly be pulled into that ugliness. So, just say NO, you don’t want to hear the latest about who’s not getting along now.
Be the change you hope for: When you set the example by listening without interrupting, using short, clear sentences and voicing your suggestions effectively you will find people coming to you for advice. They will also begin to model your brand of shorter, clearer communication. A direct ‘NO’ can keep business situations on track without the wasted time of defending, explaining or justifying your position.

The behavior types that have the most difficulty saying ‘NO’ are the pleasers, martyrs, rescuers and super achievers. Think about it for a moment, how hard is it for you to tell someone the NO word? Do you ever think you will disappoint someone by not agreeing with them and telling them so? Is it more important to be liked than to be right? All leadership development programs should have a section on what it means to say NO.

Often, outdated patterns keep you from speaking up.

You can see what your pattern is by taking the quiz >>HERE<<.

And please remember that “NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.”

Business, Change, Confidence

How to make positive change happen

Sylvia Lafair
September 18, 2018

How do we make positive change happen?

I want to start by thanking all of you who responded to my post last week about Taking a New View of Leadership where I talked about my personal reaction to the Auschwitz Exhibition in Madrid Spain.

Watching, with renewed anger, the human inhumanity of so many decades ago that still persists today, and wondering if we can really make positive change happen has me thinking…

What is the way OUT?

In my book, Don’t Bring It To Work I talk about ingrained, outdated behavior patterns that get in the way of success by Observing, Understanding and Transforming what we learned as kids and what no longer works for us as adults.

As is often the case with negative behavior, fear is the root.

We keep repeating what we did as children that kept us safe, after all, we are still here, right? Therefore, making change is threatening.

Often, we smile and nod and say, “Sure, I’ll give that a try” and then we keep on doing the same old thing over and over. That’s not a good way to make positive change happen.

When offered new communication skill training most will do it for a bit, and then slide back to what is familiar and comfortable.

Here is from my experience the best way to make positive change happen:

PEP TALK: That stands for Pattern Encounter Process.

It means doing some role play to practice new ways of communicating with those who push your buttons, set off your triggers. Before you talk for real with that annoyingly irritating person find a friend and practice what you want to say. Notice when you feel the fear start to enter the conversation. Go ahead, push past the desire to back off, be polite, be superficial. After all, remember, this is only a practice session. And then practice a few more times.

In my book Don’t Bring it To Work, on pages 157-160 are the communication skill methods that have helped so many leaders over the years. There is no substitute for practice when it comes to real and lasting change. You simply can’t “think your way” into change. You need to do something to get muscle memory into your body.

When you feel yourself saying, “This is boring” or “I’m fine the way I am” or “Nothing will change no matter what I say” keep practicing. The thousands who have learned to do a PEP TALK, to get beyond resistance, have moved to new levels of success personally as well as professionally.

You all know that joke that is really a basic truth “How do you get to Carnegie Hall?” And the answer is Practice, damn it, practice. That is the best way to make positive change happen.

How to be confident instead of strong-willed and stubborn

Confidence, Leadership Strategies

Leadership Strategies: How to be confident

Sylvia Lafair
May 15, 2018

How to be confident instead of strong-willed and stubborn so you can get unstuck at work.

I received the following email that got me thinking about how complex it is to be confident when you feel you’ve been blind-sided.

Here’s what was said….

“I had my performance review last week and it was awful. When I said I did not agree with my boss about a specific rating she became frustrated, shoved her chair way back (I must admit I was hoping she would fall over) and she shrugged and said: “You are really stubborn.”

I stood my ground and with great confidence offered my strong point of view.

She smiled (sorta) and said, “You are great at so many things and yes, you really are stubborn. I wish you could hear me differently. Maybe we can talk again next week.”

And with that, the meeting was over.

I want to know what is so wrong about standing my ground. I believe I’m not stubborn, just strong-willed. I thought you teach that being confident is a good thing? Will you please talk to my boss?

Signed,

Strong Willed and… sorta Stubborn

As a leader what would you answer her? What would you tell her boss?

Here is my response to Ms. Strong Willed and … sorta Stubborn,

You sound confident and yet, that confidence needs to be polished. Confidence must also be practical. Being strong-willed and stubborn seems to be keeping you stuck. It means you challenge others and need to prove your point of view is right.

Confidence. Ah, that is taking the energy of being strong-willed and stubborn and changing it for the benefit of more than just yourself. It means being able to listen and take in what is being said to you, listening from the “sweet spot” where you can blend different points of view together.

There are invisible forces that shape you, not just you, all of us. Once you learn how to effectively combine the logical and emotional aspects of relationships (like you and your boss) you can reframe how you respond to get better reactions.

I wonder if your behavior pattern is as a super achiever who must be first at all costs. Think about it and get back to me. Reframing and polishing are what is needed. Then you can shine as a bright star at work.

Her response back to me was clear and concise.

“I get it! Yes, I am a super achiever and when I’m not getting all the accolades I want, I really do get stubborn and mean. Thank you for giving me some good ideas to think about that show me ho to be confident. I will be calling you next week.

Signed,

Confident and Caring

That leads me to encourage all of you to join me in my webinar next week where I will drill down about the 3 C’s of Character, Confidence, and Communication.

Hope to have you with me.

Best,

Sylvia

3 Key Ways to Win at Work

5 Sayings That Will Inspire You Even When You Feel Overwhelmed and Frustrated

Get a FREE copy of my Bumper Stickers For the Brain Book Full of Sayings that Will Inspire You

Just click on the button below and get your copy today

The Gratitude Intervention Challenge

The Gratitude Intervention Challenge

Giving thanks can transform your life

What happens when you put yourself first?

Gaslighting and how it can impact you

Leadership Strategies: To Stand Out or to Fit In?

Leadership Strategies: When is it better to make waves and say NO?

How to make positive change happen

Leadership Strategies: How to be confident

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