Confidence Archives

Business, Confidence, Growth, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Success

What happens when you put yourself first?

Sylvia Lafair
August 14, 2019

What happens when you put yourself first?

Are you seen as selfish, or even worse, as a narcissist?

And if you constantly put yourself at the end of the line, does that make you a good, caring person or a
whining martyr?

In times past…it was the protocol to be humble, smile, and not take much credit. That was polite and proper.
And in those olden days, if a child proudly said they did a great job of painting a picture, skating down
the street without falling, or baking chocolate chip cookies to die for, they were told to stop patting
themselves on the back and being self-serving.

Now, in this present era, there is a contest in all areas of life for people to puff up their achievements
and there is constant competition to be THE BEST.

How healthy are lots of bragging and the need to be better than everyone else? Even more to the point,
how possible is it to really become and stay in THE BEST spot?

One of my clients emailed me recently:

Dear Sylvia,

I took a nosedive for a few weeks feeling frustrated and depressed. I’m just about over that
ugly time and thought you would appreciate where I am now. As you know, I have always been the top
salesperson in my company and lately, there are a few young titans who are working 24-7 to take the
title away from me.

I learned from the coaching I’ve had with you to look at life in a more balanced way.

I really got that work-life balance is a big myth. You can’t cut your daily life into perfect pieces, like an apple pie.

Here is where I am now, and I’d love to hear your thoughts. I finally decided I will let these younger
people become the top sales gurus. I must admit, it took me a bit of time to look at my own ego needs
before I could let go of the B.S. of having to be THE BEST.

I know, I know, you kept hammering home that striving to be THE BEST and striving to stay there is just
plain stupid and can lead to exhaustion and overwhelm.

And thank you for constantly focusing on well- being as a top priority.

So now, I can put myself first by making sure I have all the physical, mental, and emotional nourishment I
need to support myself and also have the delight in knowing I am really good at my job and I can now be
of help to the younger ones and still, have a great career and good financial returns.

So many who have been THE BEST have to make way for others and how they do that shows how strong
they are internally.

I just read that tennis champion, Serena Williams had back spasms and had to leave the Rogers Cup Final
in Toronto. She is a great player and a positive person and rather than make excuses she handled herself
with elegance. No bragging, no defending, no explaining or justifying herself.

And just like me with my young titan sales folks who make me feel like an elder, the gal Serena played
against, Bianca Andreescu is only 19 years old.

Being THE BEST has taken on a whole new meaning that I want to share here. It means not competing
with others the way I used to, it means keeping myself strong enough to handle life’s challenges with dignity.

Like Serena, I want to continue to handle life’s challenges without needing to brag that I am THE BEST.

And I’m glad you have the tools to help people get out of the trap of our cultural obsession with needing
to be THE BEST.

Business and Life Patterns, Communication, Confidence, Patterns

Gaslighting and how it can impact you

Kristen Poborsky
April 17, 2019

Gaslighting is a hot topic these days. Many people are victims of gaslighting without even knowing it. It affects your sense of self-worth, your confidence, and your sanity.

Have you ever spent time with a narcissist or a sociopath? You can sense them from their cunning and self-importance. They are the opposite of fine wine. They get worse with time!

Spend enough hours with those folks and soon you will begin to question your sanity.

Like Don.

He called me requesting some meds for anxiety. As a psychologist, I do not prescribe medication. As his executive coach, we agreed to dig a bit deeper. It soon became clear that he was moving far south of healthy functioning from mixed messages at work.

In my book, Don’t Bring It To Work I talk about the 13 most common behavior patterns we learned as children that we bring into the workplace. The one that is always considered the most difficult to work with, the most difficult to change, I call The Splitter.

Don soon learned that his boss, the CEO of the company was making Don question his own sanity.

Splitters are master manipulators. They are the best of the best in the narcissist and sociopath realm. Splitters are masters at deflecting problems onto others and knowingly give wrong information. They convince you that you just didn’t listen to the right information. They have the ability to really drive you nuts, as in totally crazy and you begin to question everything you say and think.

These Splitters, narcissists, and sociopaths are also the best of the best at gaslighting.

Gaslighting is making the rounds these days and an old film from 1944 gives us the story. Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer is a classic worth watching. It’s like an older version of Game of Thrones showing the misuse of power, revenge, murder, and intrigue.

It’s all about human behavior that seems to be part of our human destiny (until we finally say stop). So, read on and learn.

Gaslighters are compulsive liars (think about any you know personally). My best is a woman who worked for us years ago named Janet. She was a master manipulator and it took some time to figure out what was really going on. I owe her a debt of gratitude since the term Splitter came from her insane behavior. It took time for our entire staff to see how destructive she was (and sadly still is).

Here’s what the Splitters, narcissists, and sociopaths do:

They use gaslighting to gain power and control

They convince you they are right and what you think happened was wrong

They minimize their role to one of being insignificant (“no big deal”)

They conveniently forget and never can remember what they did as abusive

They play the victim while inside they are smirking at you

They are never accountable for their actions

They always vote by including others to convince you they are right

They will back out on promises and say they never ever agreed

They make up conversations that make them look good and you look awful

Problem is they dress well, speak effectively, and will talk to others about you and tell you they “have your back” while they tell you that others don’t care for you.

Want to know how to handle splitters (aka narcissists and sociopaths)? Please read my book, especially pages 83-84 and 156-157.

Now, there is some good news. Splitters who can transform their very destructive behavior become Peace Makers. It takes work to drill down to the root of where and how this started. Then it takes time to change behavior. It can be done.

No Janet never changed and she has had maybe 5 more jobs since she left out organization. However, I can spot a splitter, gaslighter, narcissist, sociopath within minutes these days. If you are working (or living) with a gaslighting splitter, give me a call and I would be honored to help you find your way out of the maze of misery they create.

Call 570 233 1042 to set time to talk.

Business, Confidence, Leadership Strategies, Success

Leadership Strategies: To Stand Out or to Fit In?

Kristen Poborsky
October 16, 2018

Here’s an email I received recently that I think applies to all of us regarding making the choice to stand out or to fit in…

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I am having a real struggle with the opposing desires to stand out or to fit in.

I’m a millennial working in a big city marketing company with tons of really smart people and, I just want to be liked. However, I have good ideas I believe can help some of our campaigns. Yet, I don’t want to be seen as ‘the smart guy’ which would be said with a snicker.

I was always a leader in school, head of this and that. Yet, now I’m hesitant. I’ve just hit 29 and that seems old to me. Hey, I just had a thought. I wonder if I would see some young teen with an idea speak out would I call him ‘the smart guy’ with a snicker on my face. Hmmm!

Okay, back to me. Any advice about speaking out or shutting up?

Thanks,
Climbing the Ladder

Dear Ladder Climber,

It’s always an issue for everyone, when to stand up and when to stay seated. To stand out, first, you have to earn it. So, here’s some advice about taking the right steps:

Start quiet: Get the lay of the land. Do your work and contribute in small ways. Don’t be the Debbie Downer who says nothing will really change at work and don’t be Cheerful Claude who makes everything too sunny.

Volunteer: Raise your hand to do what others don’t want to do. Or do it on your own. Stay late to help a colleague complete a project. You’ll find endless places to help.

Ask for help: Only ask when you really need it. There are so many things you can figure out yourself. However, my rule of thumb is that after 3 attempts at something complex and still no resolve, go ask, don’t wait.

Accept others: Find time to say Hi to people, just because. Everyone wants to be seen, heard and accepted.

Now, it’s time for you to speak out. You’ve proven yourself as a great employee. When you speak out you will do best with short sentences, not paragraphs.

My book on 79 Power Sentences could be of help!

Simply, say you have some good ideas and you would love to hear from others. That’s enough to get you started.

Communication, Confidence, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Leadership Strategies: When is it better to make waves and say NO?

Sylvia Lafair
October 9, 2018

Recently I’ve been asked “When is it better to ‘make waves,’ and say ‘NO’ rather than just go along with what is being said?

My response: The art of communication involves both active listening as well as the ability, to tell the truth appropriately. Here is some important learning about the impact of the simple word ‘NO ’as a key to success.

Show you are in charge: No matter what your title, you are a leader in some respect. When time issues have everyone complaining, you can be the one to say, “There has to be a better way and NO we can’t keep doing what we’re doing the way we are doing it.”

If you are the leader of the team saying NO with strong, clear conviction will help everyone be ready to shift to Plan B.

Stop the office politics: Often co-workers want you to side with them. It’s a natural tendency left over from the schoolyard where cliques formed and caused dissonance. If you show even the slightest interest in the gossip you will quickly be pulled into that ugliness. So, just say NO, you don’t want to hear the latest about who’s not getting along now.
Be the change you hope for: When you set the example by listening without interrupting, using short, clear sentences and voicing your suggestions effectively you will find people coming to you for advice. They will also begin to model your brand of shorter, clearer communication. A direct ‘NO’ can keep business situations on track without the wasted time of defending, explaining or justifying your position.

The behavior types that have the most difficulty saying ‘NO’ are the pleasers, martyrs, rescuers and super achievers. Think about it for a moment, how hard is it for you to tell someone the NO word? Do you ever think you will disappoint someone by not agreeing with them and telling them so? Is it more important to be liked than to be right? All leadership development programs should have a section on what it means to say NO.

Often, outdated patterns keep you from speaking up.

You can see what your pattern is by taking the quiz >>HERE<<.

And please remember that “NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.”

Business, Change, Confidence

How to make positive change happen

Sylvia Lafair
September 18, 2018

How do we make positive change happen?

I want to start by thanking all of you who responded to my post last week about Taking a New View of Leadership where I talked about my personal reaction to the Auschwitz Exhibition in Madrid Spain.

Watching, with renewed anger, the human inhumanity of so many decades ago that still persists today, and wondering if we can really make positive change happen has me thinking…

What is the way OUT?

In my book, Don’t Bring It To Work I talk about ingrained, outdated behavior patterns that get in the way of success by Observing, Understanding and Transforming what we learned as kids and what no longer works for us as adults.

As is often the case with negative behavior, fear is the root.

We keep repeating what we did as children that kept us safe, after all, we are still here, right? Therefore, making change is threatening.

Often, we smile and nod and say, “Sure, I’ll give that a try” and then we keep on doing the same old thing over and over. That’s not a good way to make positive change happen.

When offered new communication skill training most will do it for a bit, and then slide back to what is familiar and comfortable.

Here is from my experience the best way to make positive change happen:

PEP TALK: That stands for Pattern Encounter Process.

It means doing some role play to practice new ways of communicating with those who push your buttons, set off your triggers. Before you talk for real with that annoyingly irritating person find a friend and practice what you want to say. Notice when you feel the fear start to enter the conversation. Go ahead, push past the desire to back off, be polite, be superficial. After all, remember, this is only a practice session. And then practice a few more times.

In my book Don’t Bring it To Work, on pages 157-160 are the communication skill methods that have helped so many leaders over the years. There is no substitute for practice when it comes to real and lasting change. You simply can’t “think your way” into change. You need to do something to get muscle memory into your body.

When you feel yourself saying, “This is boring” or “I’m fine the way I am” or “Nothing will change no matter what I say” keep practicing. The thousands who have learned to do a PEP TALK, to get beyond resistance, have moved to new levels of success personally as well as professionally.

You all know that joke that is really a basic truth “How do you get to Carnegie Hall?” And the answer is Practice, damn it, practice. That is the best way to make positive change happen.

How to be confident instead of strong-willed and stubborn

Confidence, Leadership Strategies

Leadership Strategies: How to be confident

Sylvia Lafair
May 15, 2018

How to be confident instead of strong-willed and stubborn so you can get unstuck at work.

I received the following email that got me thinking about how complex it is to be confident when you feel you’ve been blind-sided.

Here’s what was said….

“I had my performance review last week and it was awful. When I said I did not agree with my boss about a specific rating she became frustrated, shoved her chair way back (I must admit I was hoping she would fall over) and she shrugged and said: “You are really stubborn.”

I stood my ground and with great confidence offered my strong point of view.

She smiled (sorta) and said, “You are great at so many things and yes, you really are stubborn. I wish you could hear me differently. Maybe we can talk again next week.”

And with that, the meeting was over.

I want to know what is so wrong about standing my ground. I believe I’m not stubborn, just strong-willed. I thought you teach that being confident is a good thing? Will you please talk to my boss?

Signed,

Strong Willed and… sorta Stubborn

As a leader what would you answer her? What would you tell her boss?

Here is my response to Ms. Strong Willed and … sorta Stubborn,

You sound confident and yet, that confidence needs to be polished. Confidence must also be practical. Being strong-willed and stubborn seems to be keeping you stuck. It means you challenge others and need to prove your point of view is right.

Confidence. Ah, that is taking the energy of being strong-willed and stubborn and changing it for the benefit of more than just yourself. It means being able to listen and take in what is being said to you, listening from the “sweet spot” where you can blend different points of view together.

There are invisible forces that shape you, not just you, all of us. Once you learn how to effectively combine the logical and emotional aspects of relationships (like you and your boss) you can reframe how you respond to get better reactions.

I wonder if your behavior pattern is as a super achiever who must be first at all costs. Think about it and get back to me. Reframing and polishing are what is needed. Then you can shine as a bright star at work.

Her response back to me was clear and concise.

“I get it! Yes, I am a super achiever and when I’m not getting all the accolades I want, I really do get stubborn and mean. Thank you for giving me some good ideas to think about that show me ho to be confident. I will be calling you next week.

Signed,

Confident and Caring

That leads me to encourage all of you to join me in my webinar next week where I will drill down about the 3 C’s of Character, Confidence, and Communication.

Hope to have you with me.

Best,

Sylvia

What happens when you put yourself first?

Gaslighting and how it can impact you

Leadership Strategies: To Stand Out or to Fit In?

Leadership Strategies: When is it better to make waves and say NO?

How to make positive change happen

Leadership Strategies: How to be confident

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What happens when you put yourself first?

Gaslighting and how it can impact you

Leadership Strategies: To Stand Out or to Fit In?

Leadership Strategies: When is it better to make waves and say NO?

How to make positive change happen

Leadership Strategies: How to be confident

Popular Posts

30 minutes can change your life...Schedule Your Complimentary Strategy Session

ABOUT US

RECENT POSTS

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