ceoptionsceoptions
Emotional Environment
Communication, Conflict Resolutions

Create Emotional Environment for Success at Work and at Home

Hi everyone!

Well, we are in it. It is the worst of times. It is the best of times. It’s all how you perceive what’s going on now.

I don’t want to make light of what’s happening on our planet right now, but there is good that can come out of it, and we really have to look at how to create an emotional climate that will support people.

So, one of the things I’ve looked at for years, and one of the things I’ve taught in all of my groups is the power of a good belly laugh, and there’s tons of research about how a good laugh is good for your heart. It’s good for your mind. It’s good for the people around you. It’s a positive infectious way of being.

So, did you know that children laugh? I don’t know something like, let me see. I wrote this statistic now, 200 times a day while adults usually laugh, maybe 26 times, and in these days, we’re not laughing at all. So, I’m going to tell you a joke right now, and just notice if you think it’s funny. If it makes you laugh, how you feel after.

I say it, but it’s been going around the world literally. I’ve heard it from people in Australia and people in New Zealand and people in Europe that we talk with.

Here’s how it goes: Some two men with masks on and gloves on, walk into a bank and everybody starts screaming. Get away from them. It’s the virus! And they look around and they go, “No, no we’re here to be, where robbers. We’re here to rob you.”

So, there you go, it’s all in the perception. The first time I heard that, I did have a good laugh because it sort of relieved some of the tension, and that’s what happens when you have a good laugh, and when you laugh with people, they laugh back and you’re kind of breathing together. So, my biggest suggestion for right now, is find something that has some humor. Pass it around. Call somebody you know is lonely or feeling down with everything that’s going on.

Tell them a joke. Any joke. Now, the other piece is, please ask permission before you do it. Ask permission when you’re talking with an individual. Say, “I found something that I thought was kind of funny or cute or clever or whatever, and I’d love to share it,” and if they’re in, the really deep dark place that they can’t hear anything. Let it go but if they’re kind of moving up into a place where they can kind of gain a better perspective, tell them a joke.

I know I put something on my women leaders inner circle that I thought was pretty funny, and now I’m seeing it everywhere and it’s since we’re in not quite lockdown, but stay at home right now, and all the stores are closed especially right now in certain states. One of the things that said is, within a month we’re going to know the true color of our hair and it’s the truth.

So, let’s keep each other up. Help pull each other up. That’s what we need to do in these days.

So, if you have a joke that’s really fun, please put it on social media. Put it on the inner circle, if you’re part of that. Call someone. Tell them something. Make them laugh. Laugh, so that the worst of times don’t have to stay there.

We’re all in it together, and please no one’s going to win unless we all do.

So, that’s it for today.

Let’s keep deep breathing. Let’s keep exercising and you know what? Let’s keep laughing. This is to your success and to the end of this difficult time. Bless you all!

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Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Leadership, Success

How Is Good Work Measured in Most Organizations Today?

How is good work measured in most organizations today?

It’s no longer about longevity and loyalty. It’s no longer about being first one in the office and last one out (to show how hard you work). It’s not enough to say ‘yes’ to each and every project, no matter how overwhelmed you become.

What should be front and foremost in leadership development programs to stay up to date?

Let’s drill down to what makes the biggest difference.

A look back first: we have moved from the industrial age, through the information age into the knowledge age and are on the brink of entering the wisdom age.

Big leaps in short amounts of time.

What, in heaven’s name, is the wisdom age?

Wisdom is not simply sitting on the top of a mountain and meditating. Nor is wisdom simply spouting out lots of facts and statistics.

It’s the ability to prepare. In today’s world, it’s easy to get the facts and stats to make good decisions. We have more quick routes to information than ever before on our planet.

Along with the rational reasons for making decisions, it’s also vital to understand the motivations and emotional reactions people have to the facts and stats.

Blending emotional intelligence with rational perspectives is the heart and soul of the wisdom age.

Here are the key elements for leaders and emerging leaders who are ready and willing to take on the challenge of bringing wisdom thinking to work:

  • Purpose: Everyone in the organization has a strong vision of what they are doing for company success. There is a clear path that includes contributing to the community in which they live.
  • Openness: Employees feel free enough to speak up and be heard rather than just sit on the sidelines. There is a sense of confidence that they are being treated like adults who can help solve problems and contribute in a creative manner.
  • Compensation: There are no hidden agendas that keep employees feeling they are being exploited or ignored. They feel empowered to ask for a just and fair wage. There are sites like salary.com to keep this emotionally laden subject open for healthy communication.
  • Excellence: Everyone is given opportunities to take on-line courses, such as GUTSY WOMEN LEAD to enhance leadership development. And senior leaders are committed to their own continued growth.

This push into the future, to becoming wise, is not without its challenges.

This requires a new way of thinking about organizational culture and individual accomplishments.

It’s not enough to have a “tune up” at work and offer a course on conflict resolution or gender equity and call it a day.

It’s about visioning a place where everyone is valued and respected. Where people learn the best communication skills and ways to handle the discomfort of conflict without creating a huge ‘us vs. them’ divide.

The world is poised for positive change right now, if we take steps in the right direction. Communication skills can be enhanced and that is a good place to focus.

Let’s grow wise together.

Let’s make it happen.

Get a copy of 79 Power Sentences that offers some good tips for how to talk with each other effectively.

Want more about communication and power?

I would love to offer you a FREE copy of my book “79 Power Sentences.” Find out the one word that changes minds quickly.

power sentences

CLICK HERE FOR INSTANT DOWNLOAD!

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conflict
Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Leadership

How to Change Conflict to Collaboration

Hi everyone! Sylvia Lafair here and I’d like to offer just a few tidbits about conflict and how to handle that nasty thing that drives us all crazy.

So, when they ask how many people out there like conflict raise your hand. If you do all over the world where I worked I have asked that question and in a room of 50, in a room of 200 you usually get one or two people who raise their hands.

Conflict is something that makes us get tight inside, scares us, makes us want to run the other way, makes us feel like is it my fault, is it always my fault. So, what I’m going to do is, give you one little tidbit toward the end of this.

So, listen for just a minute. There are so many times at work where we feel discounted, ignored, pushed aside because somebody else is trying to climb the ladder of success. So, you can’t blame them for climbing the ladder of success but you need to know how to manage that. It’s like taking wild horses and learning how to teach them to behave properly.

So, what does that all mean? It means you don’t run away. You don’t get into it with them. You stay very centered. You breathe. You ask questions and if you have a colleague that’s really upsetting to you, my biggest suggestion is don’t go to each. I don’t go to your boss. Don’t go to your friends. Don’t go to your colleagues. Go to the person. So, what do you do once you go to the person. Well, you have to talk to them right.

Okay, so here’s the way you do it. You can start there, two ways: one is you can start and tell them how you feel about things you know. When you tell me my work isn’t good enough, I feel frustrated, discounted, upset, whatever your word is, and then what I do. What I have done is, normally I shut down, push away. I pull the curtain down. I talked to myself. I talked to my friends, but this time I’m really going to talk to you.

So, the question here is, what can we do to make our relationship work better? That’s it. That’s all you have to say, and then you zip it, you get quiet, you listen to them, and you wait for their response,  and then… but this has to come from the work you’ve done. Your internal work saying, “I really do want to have a relationship with you.” That works too many times. I’m getting responses that are saying, “I can’t work with him or her and I’m leaving the job,” and what I have found is, often you go into another job and there’s another him or her right there.

So, tackle this. Learn how to handle it. Learn to look at the essence of conflict, and when the stress gets to the hot button, know that you always tend to revert to patterns you used in your younger years to protect yourself. This isn’t about protection. It’s about understanding. It’s about dialogue. It’s about creating a new way.

I’d love you to contact me at CEOptions.com. I’d love to hear from you. We have an incredible staff of coaches who can work with you, and one of our major skills is helping people learn to handle conflict in a way that you can change things from very nasty, annoying, push away to a next level of collaboration.

It’s doable. It’s workable and we all need to learn it.

Thank you so much. Have a wonderful day and here’s to your success.

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truth
Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Growth, Success

Talking TRUTH to POWER

Hi everyone!

Today, we’re going to talk about a subject that most of us hate.

Talking truth to power and you say, “What’s the big deal?” It’s just words coming out of your mouth, going into somebody else’s ear and brain, and then they say, “Words coming back at you.”

Well, it’s about security survival. It’s what if I say it and I screw it up. What if I get fired? What if somebody discounts me? What if? What if? What if?

So, where does all this start? And I’m going to give you just one big tip about truth to power before we finish. So, pay attention when we talk truth to power.

Two things happen: we’re in the present time but we’re also back with memories from when we were kids. So, think about it for a minute. Did you talk truth to your mother or father or whoever was your caretaker and get sent to your room or get a whack on the side of your head? Did you tell a teacher something and be sent to the principal or get a detention? Did you talk to one of the real popular kids at school who was bullying or being nasty to somebody and all of a sudden, you looked around and you didn’t have any friends? They were all over there and you were alone, isolated?

The fear of telling truth to power gets us every time and if you don’t do it, and you stuff it, I can tell you that there will be ramifications down the road.

So, let’s talk about, what about truth to power really matters in all the years with all the people I’ve worked with. I found one thing, truth sentences are short. There are seven, nine, maybe twelve words. They’re not run-on sentences and they’re not paragraphs. Usually, it’s maybe four short sentences. So, when Sally wanted a promotion, it was so interesting. She said, “Sylvia, I’m scared because I don’t want to move to the city to where corporate was, but I want the job.” I said,”So, tell the truth.” She said, “No, no. They’ll see I’m weak. They’ll see I’m not a team player. I won’t get any promotions. I’ll be stuck.” I said, “Well, maybe you’ll just be stuck if you don’t say anything.”

So, on the day that the time was for her to tell her truth to power, she had her VP and the CEO in the room, and what happened was, she finally said, “Look, I really want this job and I have worked it out in my mind, so that I can stay in my home where I am with my family and let my kids finish school and my husband has a good job there, but I’ll come into the city whenever it’s necessary, and I promise you, if it doesn’t work within three months, we’ll have another talk, and I’ll consider the move. We’ve talked about it at home. We’re willing to do it.” And the CEO looked at her and said, “Okay.” And she went and furthermore and he looked at her. He said, “I said okay.” She was so intent on not being her that she couldn’t hear him initially.

Well, anyway she got the job and things were wonderful and as we kind of peeled back after the session, what worked, she said, “Your four sentence formula worked. So, via short sentences, truth sentences, seven to nine words. “I really want this job, I promise I will make it work. It will make a difference to my family and I think this may be a model for the whole company in the future.”

Guess what? It ended up being that way. Now, not all truth to power talk comes out that successfully, but you still have to take the risk. Take the risk. It’s your life. It’s the one that you have to make it go where you want.

In all the work we’ve done, we look back to see where we got stuck, where we froze with truth to power as kids and how we can reframe it, rearrange our brain to think about it differently, and to make a difference for ourselves and for those around us. So, go for it, TRUTH to POWER. It’s the way that things will make a difference.

Thanks so much. This is to your success of a great day.

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how to have a difficult conversation
Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Success

How To Have A Difficult Conversation Productively

  • Sylvia Lafair
  • February 5, 2020

Who do you think has the hardest time with feedback? Is it the giver or the receiver?

In most leadership development programs the focus is on how the giver, the leader discusses feedback with the receiver, the employee.

The team leader comes into the meeting armed with a pre-thought-out performance review, feedback from others on the team, and the comforting fact that they are in charge.

NOT SO FAST!

What about the individual being reviewed?

Many who have been in our Total Leadership Connections program over the years have all said a variation of “I hate this situation. I feel like I’m back in school and being judged with not much chance to stand up for myself. I have a kinda, take the hits and get out fast attitude.”

WHY IS FEEDBACK SO NERVE WRACKING?

Do you hate to be judged? And more to the point, what happens to you when you know you will be judged?

SELF-DOUBT IS THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.

This is when the idea of feedback becomes even more interesting.

The self-doubt goes both ways. It invades the emotions of the receiver, yes, we know that. However, did you know that the giver also often must reach for anti-acids before, during, or after a feedback session?

WHERE DID THE SELF-DOUBT START?

Here is a memory Janet shared in a leadership coaching session that gives a clue.

“When I was around 9 years old, we were doing multiplication tables at school. The teacher would say 9 times 7 and then randomly point to one of us kids. I hated the finger-pointing and the need to perform like a circus animal. You know, she would snap her fingers and we had to perform to her expectations. If I got the answer wrong, she would keep moving on. Yet, the kids would snicker out of their own discomfort. I began to shut down emotionally and that has stayed with me through the years. So, when it’s time for feedback, I just want to puke!”

Fast forward 30 years and there is Janet, filled with anxiety and self-doubt when her boss tells her what she did or did not do correctly.

AND SELF-DOUBT IS A TWO-WAY STREET

I was also coaching her boss who shared this with me about feedback sessions.

“Twice a year at feedback time I sleep little and eat lots. Eating is my go-to reaction when I’m stressed. I think if I had more direct reports I’d end up on TV’s “The Biggest Loser” because of excessive weight. I don’t like to give negative feedback and yet, to be honest in my job, I have to say things that will upset others. Yet, I can’t tell this to anyone. They’d shrug and say, tough, that’s part of being a leader.”

HOW FEEDBACK CAN WORK CONSTRUCTIVELY?

Both the sender and the receiver can become aware that there is a real, live human being sitting on the other side of the table. Yes, even when one has, it seems, more power than the other. 

That is NOT the point.  The point is that each side needs to be sensitive to the self-doubt that is sitting in the room, like a great big yet very quiet elephant.

Acknowledge that the meeting is stressful and anxiety-producing. No, that won’t make the nervousness go away. It will, however, shrink the elephant to a smaller size and make the situation more honest.

USE THESE 4 MAJOR WAYS TO SET UP A FEEDBACK MEETING

There are ways to make difficult conversations more productive. 

Here are 4 major aspects of feedback that need to be in any discussion:

  1. Make sure you are both clear about what is to be discussed.
  2. Keep it simple and stay on the subject (no ‘furthermore’ or ‘in addition to’).
  3. Be respectful (no unnecessary jokes, leave that for having a snack together).
  4. Agree to the next steps together (the key here is to make the decisions about the next steps with each other not with one being dictatorial and the other submissive).

This is the first step in a communication model I have used to help thousands of high achieving leaders and those aspiring to leadership positions find the common ground for effective dialogue.

THE BEST WAY FORWARD

You don’t have to let the self-doubt voice in your head become a tsunami of negative thoughts saying over and over that you are going to mess up or disappoint.

My team and I have a short, simple process for better feedback and better communication.

Set up a breakthrough call with me.

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get the but out of your yes
Business, Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Growth, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles

Get the BUT Out of Your YES

  • Sylvia Lafair
  • January 29, 2020

Do you ever get frustrated with petty conflicts at work? You’re not alone.

A whopping 93% of workers report being affected in a negative manner by conflict. 

The other variable is the length of time consumed by on-going, unresolved conflict. 

Even worse is the fact that litigation for workplace harassment and hostile work environments has gone up exponentially in the past decade, and still growing. 

BIG QUESTION: Why do tensions at work get so dialed up? 

BIG ANSWER: The intensity of change is increasing at an alarming rate. AND, time starvation along with generalized anxiety is becoming the norm which makes us all less productive and more defensive. 

While conflict will never go away totally, it can be tamed effectively.

Here is my response to Sandra, a senior vice president who said, well, let her say it in her own words.

“Dear Dr. Lafair,

I’m feeling so bleak these days, and it seems to be getting worse. I drag myself out of bed, having tossed and turned all night. Why, because I have some nasty direct reports who are driving me crazy. It seems that no matter what I say to them or how I say it, it falls on deaf ears. There are four of them and my name for them is so bad I don’t even want to put it here.

Well, for clarity to help you give me an answer, they are The F##king Four. Not original, yet I guess it makes me feel better, well not better, just more stable.

Anyway, am I missing something? Can I communicate better? I love some of the ideas about communicating more effectively in Don’t Bring It to Work. However, I need more insight from you, please.”

Here is my response to Sandra:

“Communication is both simple and complex at the same time. Hey, I hear you thinking, well, that’s not much help.

Let me continue…

We have dumbed down the way we communicate with each other. So, I am going to give you a few ideas to use when you next talk with your “Fabulous Four” and see if they make a difference.

 The Fabulous Four

Think before you speak: You know this, you’re a seasoned professional. However, please take a few minutes before you meet and make sure you know the direction you want to take in talking with the others. Be specific in what outcome you are hoping for.  

Silence is still communicating: Lean into those awkward moments of silence. Often this is where the best communication occurs. If you wait the others will tell you what is really going on underneath the obvious. Ya gotta wait! 

Be visual: Our world is filled with color and sound so when you use words to describe your thoughts and feelings you help others see and feel what you want to really communicate. Talk about feeling blue, or seeing red, or looking for the yellow of sunshine. Find your own style and descriptive words. 

Get the BUT out of your YES: Qualifies are deal-breakers. What I mean is that when you acknowledge what the other person says and then add a “BUT” no one really hears the acknowledgment. They get stuck on the BUT. Change to AND when you want to add something. I promise it will make a difference. 

You are the major ingredient in making conflict move faster or slower. 

Take a deep breath a big deep breath and lead the way.” 

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Jerk at Work
Communication, Conflict Resolutions

The Jerk at Work, Not Me

Hi everybody!

Well, today is one of my favorite subjects, “The Jerk at Work, Not Me”. It’s out there. It’s always out there. We’re never the jerks at work. Are we?

Well, you never know, but here’s what I’d like to do. I’m going to give you a sentence that you can use. Craft it any way of one I’m giving you the bare bones of it. So that, when you talk with that jerk at work, the one who’s driving you crazy, that person who every time you see them, your hair stands on end and your stomach starts to rumble, and you just want to either run away or fight with them or you freeze.

The three ways that we behave when we are in tough situations, we either fight it out, we run away, we flee or we freeze like the deer in the headlight. So, no more that. Let’s talk about very quickly what this sentence is now, but before that, I just want to tell you, this it’s very important. Usually, that person but jerk at work, I call them sometimes ‘the petty tyrant’ has a lesson for you, has something that is a part that you’re looking at out there, that you’ve got inside. Who knows, but it’s worth checking out.

So, there are two parts to this sentence and the first part is, the truth. You take a cup of coffee, some tea, some chai, some coke. You take whatever you want and you go and say to them, “Can we have a few minutes?” or you text them and say, “When do you have time?” However, you want to do it, you’ve got to meet someplace quietly just the two of you, and what you start with is, the truth. I know, we’ve had some difficulties and then the big word that comes in and not, “But I know we’ve had some difficulties, but blah blah blah” because when people hear that, the but stops them. I know we’ve had some difficulties and very important, and I’d like to find a way to become better colleagues or whatever you want to put there. So, let me start from, “Again, I know we’ve had some difficulties and I’d like to find a way for us to become better colleagues.”

Often, I’ll put in something like that, and then say an extra add. So, it’s not a run-on sentence, but it’s two ads in there, and who knows maybe we can become friends. The stories that have come out of people doing this have been spectacular. So, give it a shot! Remember, I said, I’m going to keep these short just a few words to it. I want you to get the but out of your yes. I want you to get the but out of your sentences. I want you to change it to and, and use the word, “Friend it takes us back to when we were little kids. We all wanted to have friends. Will you be my friend? You know, will you be my friend.” You may find that when the two of you start to talk, you will find some place, places and ways that you really can connect differently.

So, give it a shot!

Let me know how it works, and to your success.

Thanks so much.

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Behavior Patterns
Conflict Resolutions, Growth, Patterns

Letting Go of Behavior Patterns That We Developed During Childhood

Hi everyone!

I hope you’re having a glorious day even though everything seems overwhelmed and rushed, and we can’t move fast enough, and we can’t please everybody but nonetheless we just keep persevering, right? Except, sometimes we feel submissive compliant filled with self-doubt, create self-sabotage.

Those days, everybody does it and what happens is, it gets worse and worse during holidays and celebrations, because we have these mental images about the way things should be, and when the moments of life come in, and we can’t get everything done the way we want.

Well, we do a couple of things: one is, many of us go into the victim mode. It’s my fault, I can’t do it right, it’s not good enough, it’s never good enough.

So, what do we do about all this?

If you feel overwhelmed and have a lot of self-doubt, I have three suggestions for you now.

This is only the beginning, because what happens is, a lot of this started when we were kids, and you couldn’t meet your parents expectations or your teachers expectations or even your friends expectations.

So, you began to say something wrong with me. We don’t put it out there. We say, there’s something wrong with me. So, if you were judged as a kid, it shows up in these moments of overwhelm as a grownup.

What to do about it?

Well, number one is, stop complaining but life is unfair. It’s not meant to be fair. It’s not here to coddle you. It’s here to challenge you, and it’s here to help you grow an experience.

So, if life is unfair and you feel you’re judged, stop complaining and look for solutions. It’s interesting because the victim in the patterns that I work with, becomes the bluer and here’s where I learned about this. In the native cultures when you go before the tribe, the tribunal, if you will and you have a problem and you’re upset about something, they will not listen unless you come in with three, one, two, three solutions. Three different solutions to the problem.

So that’s one of the things you can do now. Stop complaining and look for solutions.

Good idea takes a little time. Sit quietly and do it.

The next thing you need to do, whoops… I have to look at my notes for a minute… is, stop saying it’s all my fault. Sure, some of, it’s your fault. That’s fine. Some of, it’s everybody’s fault, but it’s not all your fault. So, what you need to do is, be accountable for your poet in it. Speak it. Say it. Bring it out. Don’t sit with it. Don’t put the pillow over your head and begin to whine and moan.

Simply acknowledge. Yep, this is the part I played. This is what I’m doing and the third thing, which I’ve said over and over is, please remember to prioritize and in prioritizing, know that this
sentence has helped so many people including me.

Remember, no is a complete sentence. You can say no. You don’t have to defend, explain or justify. You simply say no. I can’t do this right now. No, I have to fill in the blank. I have to go take a bath. I have to go get my hair done. I have to go read a book.
I have to go sit quietly and have a cup of tea whatever it is, but if you follow these three rules and really begin to let them sink in, they will begin to change the patterns and the way your brain processes things, and your mindset will begin to change.

So, have beautiful times at all holidays and all celebrations and remember things do escalate them. So, take a deep breath and find a way to have fun with it and have a beautiful rest of the day.

Thank you so much.

Oh wait a minute. Before I go, one more thing as a gift to yourself for this holiday time, why don’t you consider getting. Don’t bring it to work. I have all the 13 patterns in there that you can look at in detail to see where each one came from. We’re talking about the victim right now, but there’s also the martyr. There’s also the bully, the procrastinator.

They’re all these patterns that we’ve developed, that we need to let go of. So, a gift to yourself or someone else. Don’t bring it to work.

Thank you so much. Happy days.

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Telling the Truth without Spilling Your Guts
Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Leadership

Telling the Truth without Spilling Your Guts

Today, is about telling the truth without spilling your guts. So, let me tell you how this came about even that sentence I used to teach way back in the day telling the truth makes sense. We’re better when we tell the truths. We have less to remember. We have more credibility and we can sleep at night. Sounds good to me. So, I was at a meeting, facilitating a meeting with a group and a newly minted leader of the group and they were doing best practices and one of the things that happened was, somebody said, “Well, I have an idea.” And he said, “Whatever his idea was…” and this newly minted woman, who was in charge, who had been through some of my trainings said to him, “I don’t agree with you. I really think what you said is kind of stupid and furthermore, you know your ideas always seem to create more havoc than they do positive things to happen.”

Well, what do you think happened? The room got super silent and people literally started to slide under the conference table that we were sitting at, thinking I’m not going to open my mouth and say a word, and so, I did what is very clever for any facilitator out there or any leader. I said, “Why don’t we just take a quick break. We did, and I took this gal Diana, and I said, “Would you come in this other room with me?” And we walked in a room, and I closed the door and I said, “What were you thinking?” And she looked at me. Kind of like wide-eyed and she said, “But Sylvia, you teach to tell the truth.” And all of a sudden I took a deep breath and I thought at the end of that sentence has to be taught every time from here on, and that’s not about spilling your guts. Telling the truth is such a disciplined art form.

Truth sentences are short. They come from here, and here you have to connect them. You tell the truth from here. You get anger. You tell the truth from here. Without this and you get mush. They’re not strong enough. So, it’s the connection of heart and mind in telling the truth.

So, I’ve been asked a lot of questions about this, and one of them is, which words matter most. So, I’m going to give you what I think makes the biggest difference, and that is when you’re telling someone the truth, and you have finished your short sentence. It’s not a run-on sentence. It’s not a paragraph. I was really upset when that happened and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. That’s a short sentence.

The next one, the next words are the key ones, and now I’d like to hear from you because unless you create the dialogue, unless you create the connection, the truth will go the way it did. When we were little kids, and got yelled at, and we went and hid in a corner or wet now bedroom are walked outside, and thought, they don’t really know me. Most of us did that as kids.

So, here we go.

Telling the truth is not spilling your guts after you said it. You respond with, and now I’d like to hear from you, and the next one is, why is less always better than more, because once you begin to tell the truth, and you start to go on and on. What happens is, you lose the thread of the core of what you really wanted to say.

I’m going to give you an example. I’m working with a family business and two brothers who are arguing all the time, and one of them finally went to the other, and said,”Can we have some coffee? Can we just talk?” And he actually brought two containers of really good Starbucks coffee, and they sat down and the other brother surprised said, “Thanks for the coffee.” It was called a pattern interrupt. They didn’t do that very often, and the first brother said, “I really don’t know you very well, and we’re related and it makes me sad.” Those words had never been uttered from his mouth before. “I don’t know you very well.”

So, that’s all he said and he said. I wonder these are good words, wandering, curious are really good words to use. Also, when you’re talking about truth-telling, I wonder what your thoughts are about that. How do you feel about how we relate as brothers. The other brother looked at him and said, “Well, that’s never been said before.” And the first brother said, “I know, that’s why I said it.” And then he said those magic words, and now I’d like to hear from you.

The third is, how to find a best way to collaborate. Here’s another good sentence for truth-telling.

Now, it has to be this connection or at mind. Remember that, mind without heart is cruel and heart without mind is weak. It’s the combination that makes the difference, and the third is, it means a lot to me.

These are very simple sentences, but man, I’ll tell you or lady or woman or whoever they go in to the other person, and as we’re talking, and the truth is coming out, and you say, it means a lot to me. Finish the sentence. It means a lot to me that you’re sitting here and not leaving in anger. It means a lot to me that we’re finally getting a chance to talk. It means a lot to me.

So, that’s it for the today, and as we look around the world, right now, we are starving for truth. We’re starving for what’s real, we’re starving for integrity.

I’m waiting for Tom Hanks and Mr. Rodgers to show up around Christmas time, because I think that’s going to make a difference for us.

So, practice telling the truth without spilling your guts and have a beautiful rest of the day, and thank you for your time, and listening to this and watching it.

Thank you so much.

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Communicate for Clarity at work
Business, Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Being Able to Communicate for Clarity is Necessary

  • Sylvia Lafair
  • August 6, 2019

Being able to communicate for clarity is an art…even if we are speaking in the same language it’s often hard to get clear with another person.

My dear client Kellie called me, and I could tell she was choking back tears. I waited to see what the dilemma was. It was a big one. She was ready to quit the job because of an argument with her boss, that she said was ‘the last straw.’

I have also coached her boss, a gentleman who was almost always gracious and positive. So, I wondered, what could have set her over the edge.

Bottom line, it was a misunderstanding of choice of words and it really shook her to the core…and if she had just been able to communicate for clarity the drama could have been avoided.

Her boss was frustrated because she took time off without checking with him and no one knew where she was and could not get her on her cell phone. 

He challenged Kellie and told her he thought she was being irresponsible and yes, he was angry. It became a ‘he said, she said,’ since she had told HR she was leaving to take a sick friend to the emergency room.

HR simply noted this, assumed she had told her boss and thought the matter was closed. 

Kellie did the right thing and yet, was reprimanded. It was when her boss said she had been irresponsible that she flew off the handle. It was a word that had followed her throughout her teen years when she was caring for a sick mother and yet told no one when she left school early.

So, here she was, helping a friend and getting a sucker punch from her boss.

What could have been done differently?  Could have either one of them effectively communicate for clarity and avoid this mess?

Mr. Boss could have asked what happened before he launched his attack. He didn’t take the time to get clear. And Kellie could have stopped him right at the start of his angry outburst and clearly told him what course she had taken.

Why do we hold back? 

Why do so many of us crumble rather than go for deeper clarity? Why is there so much confusion when even just two people talk to each other, and often these are two people who want to get along?

More questions and less finger-pointing would work. AND sometimes we need to ask a question, listen to the answer and then…. Clarify that we are on the same page.

Kinda like the man who was stopped for driving a bit too fast:

  • A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said “Why are there penguins in your truck? 
  • The man replied, “These are my penguins, they belong to me.”
  • The policeman said, “You need to take them to the zoo.”
  • The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again since he saw the penguins were still in the back of the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time.
  • “I thought I told you to take the penguins to the zoo.” The officer said.
  • “I did” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach!”

Clarity! Just one or two extra questions can save a lot of grief.

And Kellie with her boss? They have a new practice when they meet to make sure they are clear with each other by asking each other to repeat back what needs to be done, state their intentions, and offer responses that are short, to the point and yup.. very clear.

I will be covering, in detail,  how to communicate for clarity in my on-line GUTSY WOMEN LEADERS program. This may be a good time to set up a call with me for further details.

 

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