ceoptionsceoptions
maddening communication
Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Managing Stress, Patterns

Stress & Mixed Messages: How to Stop the Maddening Communication from Messages that Are Inconsistent and Unclear

Hi everybody! Sylvia Lafair here.

Today, I’d like to talk about stress and mixed messages. When stress gets high, mixed messages get even higher, and I was thinking about when I was raising my daughters, and you know, I did mix messages. I’m sure most of you can relate to this one. I’d say, ‘Go to your room and stay there for the rest of the day,” just ready to tear my hair out. Anyway, about an hour later, I’m yelling up, ‘Come down here! Dinner’s ready!’

So, what do you do with that? You come down and eat, but these mixed messages jungle and jangle and make us always feeling a little crazed, and in the past week, I’ve been getting a lot of calls from clients, and here are a few of what they’ve been saying: one said, “I handed in a proposal that we’re getting ready for the future, and I handed in a proposal and my boss said, ‘Your writing is wonderful,’ and then I got the proposal back to put in its final form. It was trashed and slashed and filled with red marks and changes.” So, what’s the message I was getting? Anyway, that’s one.

Another one said, ‘we’re getting ready to hire some new people even if it’s a difficult time, and I was told I was in line, and then I was told we’re recruiting outside.’ So, I don’t know where I stand with any of this and somebody else said, “you know, I’m going to wait to start the meeting because I said I would be a little bit late, and I’ll wait. The boss said, ‘I’ll wait to start the meeting,’ and then of course started it without me there, and I’m not sure how to handle all this.” So, I am giving right now advice to the receiver, the person who’s getting the mixed messages and it’s three simple things. Simple in words but not so simple when you want to do them.

So, it means stop, question, reboot.

Those are the three. Now, the first one is, stop when somebody is giving you mixed messages. All the time you simply have to say stop now. Stop is what we call a pattern interrupt. It’s like throwing ice water. The word stop universally means the same thing everywhere. It means exactly what it says. It means stop and it means what we’re doing isn’t working or you have to wait for something else before you can do what you want to do. What the word stop is a power word. So, please use it. The first thing you do is, say stop, and you say exactly what’s going on.
I’m getting confused. I’m getting puzzled. I’m feeling frozen. These mixed messages I’m getting are not helping. That’s one.

The next is, you ask a question. I call it an accountability question, and the question is, what do you want as an outcome from this conversation? You ask the other person, who’s been giving the mixed messages? and then you wait. You wait, you don’t answer. You don’t give them clues. You simply let them answer, and then you have to reboot, and say, I would appreciate it if we could do this differently, because when I’m getting the meeting is on in the morning, and then half hour later, the meeting is off, and then another 45 minutes later, the meeting is on, and then the meeting is off. It makes me crazy, and I need your help in this. So, you’re also offering something to the other person.

Good communication is really clear. So, that’s from the end of the person who’s receiving the mixed messages. The one who’s giving the mixed messages, you’ve got work to do. A lot of good deep powerful work to do, because what you have to keep in your mind, and I would put this on your computer, on the refrigerator, on your mirror, in your bathroom, and it’s, it says, ‘from here on, I will say what I mean and do what I say.’ That’s called consistency and and we’re looking for that. Say what I mean and do what I say, even if what you’re going to is, look I don’t have an answer for you right now. We’re going through a difficult time and I may have to pivot or change my mind or change the direction, but I will let you know and we will talk about it. So, you give people clues to this. You don’t just keep throwing out the mixed messages, and if I were raising my kids now, I would not go to that place I did, which is, go to your room for the rest of the day.

I remember once saying, ‘go to your room for the rest of the year and I think it was January 3rd. So, obviously my frustration and my stress had hit the the end point to all of us. We need to learn how to handle stress and keep it in what I call, ‘the safe stress zone in that middle zone,’ because then we’re not overreacting with lots of noise or pretending nothing’s wrong or stuffing it and keeping it in.

Now, what I would appreciate is, if you found this helpful, if you would click the like button at the bottom or at least put a response in on how you’re handling stress. That would be wonderful and look for more information about this next week.

Thank you so much. This is to your success. Thank you.

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psychological safety
Conflict Resolutions, Managing Stress, Stress

How to Create Psychological Safety for Those Around You in Turbulent Times

Hi everybody!

Sylvia Lafair here, with some tips for leaders in times of stress. Think about leaders you’ve known in your life that you have felt you could follow anywhere or those who looked at and said, “I’m out of here.”

There’s a big difference and what happens is, as leaders we need to practice, practice leadership all the time. So, when the tough time comes, we’re ready for it. It’s no different than learning how to play a guitar or a piano. It’s no different than getting ready for a marathon. We need to practice before the time comes when in our face, we have to handle things and people are looking at us saying, “What is he or she going to do to make a difference here?”

So, I’d like to talk first about the idea of psychological safety that was developed by Amy Edmondson, who is a professor in the Harvard Business School, professor of leadership who came up with this idea several years ago, and it really is starting to take hold. We go into offices and they’re all the signs saying, “This is a safe place we have. We have floors you can’t slip and slide on and we make sure boxes won’t fall in your head.” Well, it’s really the same with psychological safety. We need to create some posts, some guards, so that when things happen, we’re there and we’re there to say to people who are following us, “No, no, don’t go over there. You could slip and slide and fall down there.” That’s our job. That’s what we have signed up for.

So, how do you develop the emotional muscles that are needed? You practice, practice and practice, and one of the things you can do is look at the research about language and communication. So, I’m going to give you one quick tip today. This one’s interesting. There was a study done with college students. So, I want you to picture this, they’re standing in two lines, and they’re two doors, and they have to go into a room and do something. I’ll tell you what this something is in a minute, and then there’s a back door and they go out, and then they all congregate together in the back area. A kind of a green outside area, and when they go in, one group is they’re being given some iced tea. So, in one group they’re pouring the iced tea, and they have glasses here, and they say, “We’d like to pour this iced tea to make it half so that the glass will be half-full, got that?” The other group going in there saying, “We’re pouring the iced tea so that the glass is half-empty.” That’s all that was said. They drink their iced tea and off they go, and there outside milling around, and then they come out with pitchers and glasses, and they start to ask people who would like more iced tea. Then they did the research. What they found was, and I’ll bet some of you have guessed this, that the ones who were in the group where they said, they were pouring the iced tea into glasses that were half empty were thirstier than the ones who came out of the room where they said the glass is half-full.

So, what do you learn from that? In the mindset, we have the ability to help people see things from either a negative or a not good enough place or a more positive place, and it’s not about faking happy. Happy as everybody, happy all the time. I’m not talking about being a denier or ignoring situations. I’m talking about how do we help people, stay in that place where they feel good enough to get something done psychological safety.

So, think about it when you’re talking to people. Talk in the half-full glass rather than the half-empty glass. People will have less needs when that’s done.

Take that as a tip. I’m working on a book called ‘Stress Busters’ that hopefully I’ll have out soon and let you know about it, so that there will be a ton of tips. There’ll be things about music, which I talked about a few times ago. There will be things about exercises. There will be things about communication, which is for me, one of the most important places to help people feel safe.

So, I’d also like to just show you my beautiful rose, that the roses outside are blooming. We’re in Northern California and the weather is still bit chilled, but these roses, they’re kind of coming out to say, “And this too shall pass,” and so, I just brought it in because it’s so beautiful, and every time I look at it, I think life has a beauty to it, that we just have to pay attention to.

Have a wonderful day!

And if you have other words or thoughts or comments, please put them under here, so we can all help each other. Remember, we’re all in it together and our philosophy is, ‘No one wins unless we all do.’ Maybe that’s the direction we’re heading toward right now.

Thank you so much and here’s to your success.

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stress when is enough enough
Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Managing Stress, Stress, Success

Who decides when enough is enough?

  • Sylvia Lafair
  • April 22, 2020

How many of you have said, “enough is enough?” And how many of you find that while you demand that the upset stop, it just keeps going on and on.  

QUESTION: Who decides when enough is enough? 

ANSWER: It depends on the circumstances. 

What an annoying, non-answer. 

Well, it does depend on the circumstances.  

EXAMPLE: Your direct report is behaving badly in a meeting. He is slyly looking at his phone which is strategically positioning under the table. While his voice is silent, his eyes are going from squinting to total OMG rolling around to let you know he thinks your idea sucks. (Or so you think he thinks this). 

You say to yourself “enough is enough.”  

And you call for a short break. You call the rolling eyes guy into a corner and ask him what his problem is (all the while thinking you should fire the jerk).  

He apologizes. 

Says he has too many things on his mind, especially a sick child who is waiting for him to get to the elementary school to take her home. His wife, he explains, is out of town at a leadership meeting from her company and he is the designated parent for the rest of the week. 

He looks sullen as he utters your phrase “Hell, this week is hell. When is enough enough?” 

Okay. How do you respond to him? 

That was the context of my coaching session with a senior VP from a company that had to furlough everyone except for the few senior leaders at the above meeting. 

Here was my suggestion: 

At the next meeting, you really need some time to take the “emotional temperature” in the room.  

“How do I do that?” I was asked. 

By a process, we call “Getting Current.” 

It’s especially important during times of group stress.  

Although it works for all companies at all meetings all year long. 

Here’s how it works. Best for smaller groups (up to about 20). 

You start the meeting with a minute of silence. Yes, a minute. You know, 60 seconds. Every meeting can give that much time for a little bit of quiet. 

No rules about eyes open or closed.  

Just mouths shut and phones off. 

Then each person has a few minutes to say how they are feeling (the good “F” word).  

No pressure. No deep explanations. Just a short bit about what is going on personally as well as professionally. 

Here is a short excerpt from my book,  Don’t Bring It To Work 

“Meetings are often called the ‘black hole” in the business day. Most meetings are agenda-driven and stay with the linear left side of the brain, often excluding the intuitive right side. Yet, it  is the combination of the two that sets off creative sparks and bonds teams together.” 

Start the meeting by letting each person room to say something about how they are doing. Monitor it. No long paragraphs, no cross-talk, no saving someone, or giving advice. Just listening. And then the next person talks.  

Also, important that it is not in a straight line or “straight circle” if at a conference table.  

Someone talks and then someone, maybe on the other side of the table picks up the thread and says whatever they want to say. 

Keep going till everyone has a chance to express themselves. 

It clears the air.  

I promise you; the meeting will move faster with more positive results. 

In a group of 20, this would take maybe 15 minutes. 

Example from the “designated parent” above. 

If he had the chance simply to say he was worried about his ill daughter and would have to leave after the meeting to pick her up and was feeling the pressure of being the solo parent.  

Just that would be enough. 

How long did that take? Maybe 30 seconds if he spoke slowly. A minute if he needed to say he was frustrated and wished his wife could get back sooner. 

He would be more present in the meeting and the “enough is enough” mentality would have been put to rest. 

Give it a shot.  

We have taught this process to large organizations, family firms, and startups.  

It works. 

There is a great deal about team collaboration in my book Don’t Bring It To Work. Get a copy  HERE and contact me for more information. 

 To your success,

-Sylvia

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handle conflict
Conflict Resolutions, Managing Stress, Stress

How I Learned to Handle Conflict

Hi everybody!

I decided to just do one extra something today, since I had a little extra time. I was on an interview this morning and they were asking about the patterns and conflict, and how I learned to handle conflict, and so I decided just to share this with you because it’s kind of fun and interesting. Embarrassing too, but what the heck?

So, as I grew up I have an older brother who is king of the hill, and I was just the cute little girl. So, if I ever wanted attention, I would have a hissy fit and I learned how to do academy-award hissy fits. So, that got really deeply into my nervous system. You want attention? Make a lot of noise. You want attention? Yell, cry, scream, stamp your feet, do whatever… Okay?

Now, I grow up and I’m a businesswoman, and this is now years ago. So, at least I have a little bit of room to say, I have improved. Hopefully, I have and what would happen was, we’d be in the meeting and somebody would say something, and I get upset and you guessed it. I’d have a hissy fit, and I would stamp my hand on the table. I would shake my head till it looked like it was falling off. I would roll my eyes. I was not good and I saw people over there saying, “Oh my God! There she goes again.” Okay. So, one day was where it got me, I had a meeting in the morning and during that time, Sylvia had her drama queen hissy fit. Later in the afternoon, different group of people, different organization, certainly a different meeting, similar Sylvia. I had another hissy fit, and as we walked out somebody said, “Oh my! Do you really have to be that dramatic with what you do? And I remember thinking, oh, what does she know? What does he know? What do they know? I get what I want because I make a lot of noise, which is what happened when I was a kid.

Anyway, go home and the third time they say is the charm. So, pay attention to threes and what happened was, my daughters were in college at the time and one of my daughters called, and she was telling me something that you know, kind of was annoying me, and I went, “Oh, I don’t believe this and blah, blah, blah,” and my daughter said, “Mom, when you get into that drama queen place, there’s no talking to you. So, I love you and I’m going to hang out.” And she she hung up the phone. Yay! Julie and I thought they’re looking at the phone, thinking not nice thoughts but then I went three times in one day. I better pay attention. So, I started then, that was observing and I used my out technique, and I went down to understand where it came from, and it was like my brother was taking up all the air in the room, cuz he was so wonderful and marvelous and brilliant and all that stuff, and the only way I could get attention was being noisy.

Okay, so then I had to figure out what do you do to transform it, and this is where the work that we’ve done over the years, has been the most exciting because there are 13 patterns, and they all can be transformed. That’s what’s exciting, and I finally figured out that the drama queen or king has the ability to become a great storyteller, because you like the adrenaline you’re used to the adrenaline. I kind of liked it. One, I now… that I’ve learned how to become a good storyteller. I use it that way.

Now, here’s the difference. The difference is the storyteller has purpose. It’s going to an end, that has a positive outcome. It’s not just spewing around and making a lot of noise for no reason. So, the transformation is possible, and during these times of stress.

I love you to write down at the bottom of the video any thought you have about how you’ve been working to transform the stress and love to hear from you. I’m going to have a very short masterclass for you to look at about stress, and then there’ll be a program where we can really dig down into the stress that happens with coaching that will be involved,

So, thanks so much. Have a beautiful rest of the day, and let’s keep helping each other get through this complicated time, okay?

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Emotional Environment
Communication, Conflict Resolutions

Create Emotional Environment for Success at Work and at Home

Hi everyone!

Well, we are in it. It is the worst of times. It is the best of times. It’s all how you perceive what’s going on now.

I don’t want to make light of what’s happening on our planet right now, but there is good that can come out of it, and we really have to look at how to create an emotional climate that will support people.

So, one of the things I’ve looked at for years, and one of the things I’ve taught in all of my groups is the power of a good belly laugh, and there’s tons of research about how a good laugh is good for your heart. It’s good for your mind. It’s good for the people around you. It’s a positive infectious way of being.

So, did you know that children laugh? I don’t know something like, let me see. I wrote this statistic now, 200 times a day while adults usually laugh, maybe 26 times, and in these days, we’re not laughing at all. So, I’m going to tell you a joke right now, and just notice if you think it’s funny. If it makes you laugh, how you feel after.

I say it, but it’s been going around the world literally. I’ve heard it from people in Australia and people in New Zealand and people in Europe that we talk with.

Here’s how it goes: Some two men with masks on and gloves on, walk into a bank and everybody starts screaming. Get away from them. It’s the virus! And they look around and they go, “No, no we’re here to be, where robbers. We’re here to rob you.”

So, there you go, it’s all in the perception. The first time I heard that, I did have a good laugh because it sort of relieved some of the tension, and that’s what happens when you have a good laugh, and when you laugh with people, they laugh back and you’re kind of breathing together. So, my biggest suggestion for right now, is find something that has some humor. Pass it around. Call somebody you know is lonely or feeling down with everything that’s going on.

Tell them a joke. Any joke. Now, the other piece is, please ask permission before you do it. Ask permission when you’re talking with an individual. Say, “I found something that I thought was kind of funny or cute or clever or whatever, and I’d love to share it,” and if they’re in, the really deep dark place that they can’t hear anything. Let it go but if they’re kind of moving up into a place where they can kind of gain a better perspective, tell them a joke.

I know I put something on my women leaders inner circle that I thought was pretty funny, and now I’m seeing it everywhere and it’s since we’re in not quite lockdown, but stay at home right now, and all the stores are closed especially right now in certain states. One of the things that said is, within a month we’re going to know the true color of our hair and it’s the truth.

So, let’s keep each other up. Help pull each other up. That’s what we need to do in these days.

So, if you have a joke that’s really fun, please put it on social media. Put it on the inner circle, if you’re part of that. Call someone. Tell them something. Make them laugh. Laugh, so that the worst of times don’t have to stay there.

We’re all in it together, and please no one’s going to win unless we all do.

So, that’s it for today.

Let’s keep deep breathing. Let’s keep exercising and you know what? Let’s keep laughing. This is to your success and to the end of this difficult time. Bless you all!

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Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Leadership, Success

How Is Good Work Measured in Most Organizations Today?

How is good work measured in most organizations today?

It’s no longer about longevity and loyalty. It’s no longer about being first one in the office and last one out (to show how hard you work). It’s not enough to say ‘yes’ to each and every project, no matter how overwhelmed you become.

What should be front and foremost in leadership development programs to stay up to date?

Let’s drill down to what makes the biggest difference.

A look back first: we have moved from the industrial age, through the information age into the knowledge age and are on the brink of entering the wisdom age.

Big leaps in short amounts of time.

What, in heaven’s name, is the wisdom age?

Wisdom is not simply sitting on the top of a mountain and meditating. Nor is wisdom simply spouting out lots of facts and statistics.

It’s the ability to prepare. In today’s world, it’s easy to get the facts and stats to make good decisions. We have more quick routes to information than ever before on our planet.

Along with the rational reasons for making decisions, it’s also vital to understand the motivations and emotional reactions people have to the facts and stats.

Blending emotional intelligence with rational perspectives is the heart and soul of the wisdom age.

Here are the key elements for leaders and emerging leaders who are ready and willing to take on the challenge of bringing wisdom thinking to work:

  • Purpose: Everyone in the organization has a strong vision of what they are doing for company success. There is a clear path that includes contributing to the community in which they live.
  • Openness: Employees feel free enough to speak up and be heard rather than just sit on the sidelines. There is a sense of confidence that they are being treated like adults who can help solve problems and contribute in a creative manner.
  • Compensation: There are no hidden agendas that keep employees feeling they are being exploited or ignored. They feel empowered to ask for a just and fair wage. There are sites like salary.com to keep this emotionally laden subject open for healthy communication.
  • Excellence: Everyone is given opportunities to take on-line courses, such as GUTSY WOMEN LEAD to enhance leadership development. And senior leaders are committed to their own continued growth.

This push into the future, to becoming wise, is not without its challenges.

This requires a new way of thinking about organizational culture and individual accomplishments.

It’s not enough to have a “tune up” at work and offer a course on conflict resolution or gender equity and call it a day.

It’s about visioning a place where everyone is valued and respected. Where people learn the best communication skills and ways to handle the discomfort of conflict without creating a huge ‘us vs. them’ divide.

The world is poised for positive change right now, if we take steps in the right direction. Communication skills can be enhanced and that is a good place to focus.

Let’s grow wise together.

Let’s make it happen.

Get a copy of 79 Power Sentences that offers some good tips for how to talk with each other effectively.

Want more about communication and power?

I would love to offer you a FREE copy of my book “79 Power Sentences.” Find out the one word that changes minds quickly.

power sentences

CLICK HERE FOR INSTANT DOWNLOAD!

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conflict
Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Leadership

How to Change Conflict to Collaboration

Hi everyone! Sylvia Lafair here and I’d like to offer just a few tidbits about conflict and how to handle that nasty thing that drives us all crazy.

So, when they ask how many people out there like conflict raise your hand. If you do all over the world where I worked I have asked that question and in a room of 50, in a room of 200 you usually get one or two people who raise their hands.

Conflict is something that makes us get tight inside, scares us, makes us want to run the other way, makes us feel like is it my fault, is it always my fault. So, what I’m going to do is, give you one little tidbit toward the end of this.

So, listen for just a minute. There are so many times at work where we feel discounted, ignored, pushed aside because somebody else is trying to climb the ladder of success. So, you can’t blame them for climbing the ladder of success but you need to know how to manage that. It’s like taking wild horses and learning how to teach them to behave properly.

So, what does that all mean? It means you don’t run away. You don’t get into it with them. You stay very centered. You breathe. You ask questions and if you have a colleague that’s really upsetting to you, my biggest suggestion is don’t go to each. I don’t go to your boss. Don’t go to your friends. Don’t go to your colleagues. Go to the person. So, what do you do once you go to the person. Well, you have to talk to them right.

Okay, so here’s the way you do it. You can start there, two ways: one is you can start and tell them how you feel about things you know. When you tell me my work isn’t good enough, I feel frustrated, discounted, upset, whatever your word is, and then what I do. What I have done is, normally I shut down, push away. I pull the curtain down. I talked to myself. I talked to my friends, but this time I’m really going to talk to you.

So, the question here is, what can we do to make our relationship work better? That’s it. That’s all you have to say, and then you zip it, you get quiet, you listen to them, and you wait for their response,  and then… but this has to come from the work you’ve done. Your internal work saying, “I really do want to have a relationship with you.” That works too many times. I’m getting responses that are saying, “I can’t work with him or her and I’m leaving the job,” and what I have found is, often you go into another job and there’s another him or her right there.

So, tackle this. Learn how to handle it. Learn to look at the essence of conflict, and when the stress gets to the hot button, know that you always tend to revert to patterns you used in your younger years to protect yourself. This isn’t about protection. It’s about understanding. It’s about dialogue. It’s about creating a new way.

I’d love you to contact me at CEOptions.com. I’d love to hear from you. We have an incredible staff of coaches who can work with you, and one of our major skills is helping people learn to handle conflict in a way that you can change things from very nasty, annoying, push away to a next level of collaboration.

It’s doable. It’s workable and we all need to learn it.

Thank you so much. Have a wonderful day and here’s to your success.

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truth
Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Growth, Success

Talking TRUTH to POWER

Hi everyone!

Today, we’re going to talk about a subject that most of us hate.

Talking truth to power and you say, “What’s the big deal?” It’s just words coming out of your mouth, going into somebody else’s ear and brain, and then they say, “Words coming back at you.”

Well, it’s about security survival. It’s what if I say it and I screw it up. What if I get fired? What if somebody discounts me? What if? What if? What if?

So, where does all this start? And I’m going to give you just one big tip about truth to power before we finish. So, pay attention when we talk truth to power.

Two things happen: we’re in the present time but we’re also back with memories from when we were kids. So, think about it for a minute. Did you talk truth to your mother or father or whoever was your caretaker and get sent to your room or get a whack on the side of your head? Did you tell a teacher something and be sent to the principal or get a detention? Did you talk to one of the real popular kids at school who was bullying or being nasty to somebody and all of a sudden, you looked around and you didn’t have any friends? They were all over there and you were alone, isolated?

The fear of telling truth to power gets us every time and if you don’t do it, and you stuff it, I can tell you that there will be ramifications down the road.

So, let’s talk about, what about truth to power really matters in all the years with all the people I’ve worked with. I found one thing, truth sentences are short. There are seven, nine, maybe twelve words. They’re not run-on sentences and they’re not paragraphs. Usually, it’s maybe four short sentences. So, when Sally wanted a promotion, it was so interesting. She said, “Sylvia, I’m scared because I don’t want to move to the city to where corporate was, but I want the job.” I said,”So, tell the truth.” She said, “No, no. They’ll see I’m weak. They’ll see I’m not a team player. I won’t get any promotions. I’ll be stuck.” I said, “Well, maybe you’ll just be stuck if you don’t say anything.”

So, on the day that the time was for her to tell her truth to power, she had her VP and the CEO in the room, and what happened was, she finally said, “Look, I really want this job and I have worked it out in my mind, so that I can stay in my home where I am with my family and let my kids finish school and my husband has a good job there, but I’ll come into the city whenever it’s necessary, and I promise you, if it doesn’t work within three months, we’ll have another talk, and I’ll consider the move. We’ve talked about it at home. We’re willing to do it.” And the CEO looked at her and said, “Okay.” And she went and furthermore and he looked at her. He said, “I said okay.” She was so intent on not being her that she couldn’t hear him initially.

Well, anyway she got the job and things were wonderful and as we kind of peeled back after the session, what worked, she said, “Your four sentence formula worked. So, via short sentences, truth sentences, seven to nine words. “I really want this job, I promise I will make it work. It will make a difference to my family and I think this may be a model for the whole company in the future.”

Guess what? It ended up being that way. Now, not all truth to power talk comes out that successfully, but you still have to take the risk. Take the risk. It’s your life. It’s the one that you have to make it go where you want.

In all the work we’ve done, we look back to see where we got stuck, where we froze with truth to power as kids and how we can reframe it, rearrange our brain to think about it differently, and to make a difference for ourselves and for those around us. So, go for it, TRUTH to POWER. It’s the way that things will make a difference.

Thanks so much. This is to your success of a great day.

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how to have a difficult conversation
Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Success

How To Have A Difficult Conversation Productively

  • Sylvia Lafair
  • February 5, 2020

Who do you think has the hardest time with feedback? Is it the giver or the receiver?

In most leadership development programs the focus is on how the giver, the leader discusses feedback with the receiver, the employee.

The team leader comes into the meeting armed with a pre-thought-out performance review, feedback from others on the team, and the comforting fact that they are in charge.

NOT SO FAST!

What about the individual being reviewed?

Many who have been in our Total Leadership Connections program over the years have all said a variation of “I hate this situation. I feel like I’m back in school and being judged with not much chance to stand up for myself. I have a kinda, take the hits and get out fast attitude.”

WHY IS FEEDBACK SO NERVE WRACKING?

Do you hate to be judged? And more to the point, what happens to you when you know you will be judged?

SELF-DOUBT IS THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.

This is when the idea of feedback becomes even more interesting.

The self-doubt goes both ways. It invades the emotions of the receiver, yes, we know that. However, did you know that the giver also often must reach for anti-acids before, during, or after a feedback session?

WHERE DID THE SELF-DOUBT START?

Here is a memory Janet shared in a leadership coaching session that gives a clue.

“When I was around 9 years old, we were doing multiplication tables at school. The teacher would say 9 times 7 and then randomly point to one of us kids. I hated the finger-pointing and the need to perform like a circus animal. You know, she would snap her fingers and we had to perform to her expectations. If I got the answer wrong, she would keep moving on. Yet, the kids would snicker out of their own discomfort. I began to shut down emotionally and that has stayed with me through the years. So, when it’s time for feedback, I just want to puke!”

Fast forward 30 years and there is Janet, filled with anxiety and self-doubt when her boss tells her what she did or did not do correctly.

AND SELF-DOUBT IS A TWO-WAY STREET

I was also coaching her boss who shared this with me about feedback sessions.

“Twice a year at feedback time I sleep little and eat lots. Eating is my go-to reaction when I’m stressed. I think if I had more direct reports I’d end up on TV’s “The Biggest Loser” because of excessive weight. I don’t like to give negative feedback and yet, to be honest in my job, I have to say things that will upset others. Yet, I can’t tell this to anyone. They’d shrug and say, tough, that’s part of being a leader.”

HOW FEEDBACK CAN WORK CONSTRUCTIVELY?

Both the sender and the receiver can become aware that there is a real, live human being sitting on the other side of the table. Yes, even when one has, it seems, more power than the other. 

That is NOT the point.  The point is that each side needs to be sensitive to the self-doubt that is sitting in the room, like a great big yet very quiet elephant.

Acknowledge that the meeting is stressful and anxiety-producing. No, that won’t make the nervousness go away. It will, however, shrink the elephant to a smaller size and make the situation more honest.

USE THESE 4 MAJOR WAYS TO SET UP A FEEDBACK MEETING

There are ways to make difficult conversations more productive. 

Here are 4 major aspects of feedback that need to be in any discussion:

  1. Make sure you are both clear about what is to be discussed.
  2. Keep it simple and stay on the subject (no ‘furthermore’ or ‘in addition to’).
  3. Be respectful (no unnecessary jokes, leave that for having a snack together).
  4. Agree to the next steps together (the key here is to make the decisions about the next steps with each other not with one being dictatorial and the other submissive).

This is the first step in a communication model I have used to help thousands of high achieving leaders and those aspiring to leadership positions find the common ground for effective dialogue.

THE BEST WAY FORWARD

You don’t have to let the self-doubt voice in your head become a tsunami of negative thoughts saying over and over that you are going to mess up or disappoint.

My team and I have a short, simple process for better feedback and better communication.

Set up a breakthrough call with me.

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get the but out of your yes
Business, Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Growth, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles

Get the BUT Out of Your YES

  • Sylvia Lafair
  • January 29, 2020

Do you ever get frustrated with petty conflicts at work? You’re not alone.

A whopping 93% of workers report being affected in a negative manner by conflict. 

The other variable is the length of time consumed by on-going, unresolved conflict. 

Even worse is the fact that litigation for workplace harassment and hostile work environments has gone up exponentially in the past decade, and still growing. 

BIG QUESTION: Why do tensions at work get so dialed up? 

BIG ANSWER: The intensity of change is increasing at an alarming rate. AND, time starvation along with generalized anxiety is becoming the norm which makes us all less productive and more defensive. 

While conflict will never go away totally, it can be tamed effectively.

Here is my response to Sandra, a senior vice president who said, well, let her say it in her own words.

“Dear Dr. Lafair,

I’m feeling so bleak these days, and it seems to be getting worse. I drag myself out of bed, having tossed and turned all night. Why, because I have some nasty direct reports who are driving me crazy. It seems that no matter what I say to them or how I say it, it falls on deaf ears. There are four of them and my name for them is so bad I don’t even want to put it here.

Well, for clarity to help you give me an answer, they are The F##king Four. Not original, yet I guess it makes me feel better, well not better, just more stable.

Anyway, am I missing something? Can I communicate better? I love some of the ideas about communicating more effectively in Don’t Bring It to Work. However, I need more insight from you, please.”

Here is my response to Sandra:

“Communication is both simple and complex at the same time. Hey, I hear you thinking, well, that’s not much help.

Let me continue…

We have dumbed down the way we communicate with each other. So, I am going to give you a few ideas to use when you next talk with your “Fabulous Four” and see if they make a difference.

 The Fabulous Four

Think before you speak: You know this, you’re a seasoned professional. However, please take a few minutes before you meet and make sure you know the direction you want to take in talking with the others. Be specific in what outcome you are hoping for.  

Silence is still communicating: Lean into those awkward moments of silence. Often this is where the best communication occurs. If you wait the others will tell you what is really going on underneath the obvious. Ya gotta wait! 

Be visual: Our world is filled with color and sound so when you use words to describe your thoughts and feelings you help others see and feel what you want to really communicate. Talk about feeling blue, or seeing red, or looking for the yellow of sunshine. Find your own style and descriptive words. 

Get the BUT out of your YES: Qualifies are deal-breakers. What I mean is that when you acknowledge what the other person says and then add a “BUT” no one really hears the acknowledgment. They get stuck on the BUT. Change to AND when you want to add something. I promise it will make a difference. 

You are the major ingredient in making conflict move faster or slower. 

Take a deep breath a big deep breath and lead the way.” 

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