Summary: Most of us consider being a “yes ” person a positive in the work world. Sadly, “yes” often overshadows the importance of that simple, two-letter word: “no.” Yet, “no” is a word that can protect our time, energy, and well-being. So why are we so afraid of it? When you understand the power of “no” and overcome the fear associated with you can lead a more fulfilling, balanced life.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
What a difference a year makes.
Just twelve months ago, I was in the pattern trap of a pleaser.
You know, as you teach, a pleaser will say “yes” out loud to everything.
In the meantime, there is an internal voice screaming, “What! Huh! Why did I agree to another impossible situation?”
Fortunately, in your Total Leadership Connections Program, I learned, to say “no” without choking and becoming unglued with fear.
I now can say ‘NO” effectively and am a better leader. The pattern shift from pleaser to truth teller has been incredibly positive for me.
Indeed, now my whole organization is asking me to help them learn the essence of how to change patterns.
I will soon be giving a lunch and learn course, (yes, we still do this.) I would like some ideas for my discussion.
Signed,
No and Yes
Dear No and Yes,
Congrats! It’s good to have many ways of responding in your communication arsenal.
Both “Yes” and “No” have their places.
However, as with all long term patterns, it is vital to find the root situation and corresponding thoughts before we can release the old and make way for the new.
Why We Fear Saying “No”
Fear of Rejection
Saying “no” often comes with the fear that we might disappoint someone or damage a relationship. We worry that refusing a request might lead to rejection or that we’ll be seen as uncooperative or selfish. This fear often stems from childhood experiences where pleasing others was rewarded, and dissent was frowned upon.
Take Joey, for example. He is the CEO and Founder of a unique jewelry line. He told me he was struggling with saying “NO” to his extended family who wanted his unique designs for friends at no cost.
Let me cut to the chase: Early on, working with Joey, I did a deep dive into understanding his childhood. We did not spend a long time in the past, just long enough to find the root of his inability to say no.
Joey, was the oldest of five children. In his words, he was a “mini parent.” He told his siblings what to do since mom and dad were always at work. He gave in to their demands because it was too frustrating to argue with them.
The few times he took a stand and said a loud NO, the other four banded together and would not talk with or include him.
The conditioning stuck.
That is, until he learned what I love to teach,
“Remember, NO is a complete sentence.”
—–Sylvia Lafair
In my leadership program we used several methods to help Joey move from pleaser to truth teller and make friends with the word NO.
The methods for transforming ingrained, outdated patterns are in both my book, “Don’t Bring It To Work” and the four module on line program “Total Leadership Connections.
For now, lets look at why saying NO is so hard for so many.
Social Conditioning causes outdated patterns to survive
Society often teaches us that saying “yes” is a sign of strength, reliability, and ambition. We’re conditioned to believe that successful people are those who take on every opportunity, and saying “no” is a sign of weakness or laziness.
Furthermore, this pressure can make us feel obligated to say “yes,” even when it’s not in our best interest.
Desire for Approval
In the same vein, many of us seek validation from others. Saying “yes” can feel like the easier route to gaining approval, especially in professional settings where we want to be seen as team players.
Above all, the fear of being judged or criticized for setting boundaries can make “no” a word we avoid.
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)
The fear of missing out on opportunities, experiences, or connections can make it difficult to say “no.” We worry that declining an invitation or an offer might mean missing out on something better.
Ultimately, the worry of being ignored by those we consider important people can make us freeze. Side note, that is what happened to Joey when his siblings ignored him.
The Power of Saying “No” gives you an advantage
Protecting Your Time and Energy
Every “yes” is a commitment of your time and energy. By saying “no” when necessary, you protect these valuable resources, allowing you to focus on what truly matters. This can lead to greater productivity, less stress, and a more balanced life.
Setting Boundaries
Saying “no” is an essential part of setting healthy boundaries. It teaches others how you wish to be treated and what you’re willing to tolerate. Boundaries are crucial for maintaining self-respect and ensuring that your needs are met.
Empowerment and Self-Respect
Every time you say “no” to something that doesn’t serve you, you’re reinforcing your self-worth. It’s an act of self-respect and empowerment, reminding yourself that your needs and desires are just as important as anyone else’s.
Clarity and Focus
When you say “no” to distractions and obligations that don’t align with your goals, you gain clarity and focus. This allows you to pursue your passions and priorities without being sidetracked by things that don’t contribute to your personal or professional growth.
Improving Relationships
Contrary to popular belief, saying “no” can actually strengthen relationships. When you’re honest about your limits and communicate them clearly, it fosters trust and respect. People who truly value you will appreciate your honesty and the fact that you don’t overcommit.
How to Overcome the Fear of “No”
Practice Assertiveness
Assertiveness is the ability to express your needs and boundaries confidently and respectfully. Practicing assertiveness can make it easier to say “no” without feeling guilty or anxious. Remember, it’s possible to be firm and kind at the same time.
Start Small
If saying “no” feels daunting, start small. Practice declining minor requests or invitations, and gradually work your way up to bigger decisions. The more you practice, the more comfortable you’ll become with the word.
All in all, its good to stand in front of a mirror and simply say the word NO. Do it loud, soft, sing it, shout it. Come on, have some fun with this key word.
Reframe Your Perspective
Instead of viewing “no” as a negative or selfish word, reframe it as a positive, empowering choice. Saying “no” is not about rejecting others but about prioritizing your well-being and staying true to your values.
Learn from Experience
Reflect on times when you said “yes” out of fear and how it affected you. Use these experiences as lessons to inform future decisions. Over time, you’ll recognize that saying “no” often leads to better outcomes.
Seek Support
Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and encourage you to stand up for yourself. Having a supportive network can make it easier to say “no” without fear of backlash.
The power of “no” lies in its ability to protect our time, energy, and well-being.
In conclusion, the power of “no” lies in its ability to protect our time, energy, and well-being. By overcoming the fear associated with this word, we can lead more authentic, balanced, and fulfilling lives. Remember, “no” is not a rejection of others—it’s a commitment to yourself. Embrace the power of “no” and watch how it transforms your life.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS. Contact us to learn more about how you can break through old patterns and overcome the fear of saying no and live a more fulfilling.
PSS. In addition, here is one way to say no effectively. Simply say “Thanks for thinking of me. However, that won’t work for me right now.” This type of response goes past fear. And guess what, you never even needed to say the NO word.
