Summary: In every workplace, leaders influence their teams’ and organizations’ direction, culture, and overall success. Those in the extremes are the hardest to change. They are either persecutor/ tyrants or pleaser/milk toasts. On one end of the spectrum, the persecutor or tyrant leads through intimidation and fear, while on the other, the milk-toast or pleaser shies away from confrontation, often making them ineffective in guiding their team. Despite these extremes, both types of leaders hold the potential to transform into visionary leaders, fostering growth, innovation, and positive change.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
In the past, I spent too many years being a persecutor, bully boss.
At least, now I ask questions and wait for my direct reports to answer.
I am kinder and more philosophical.
The downside of this is that my closest ally said I am now seen as Mr. Milk Toast.
I want to be seen as strong, competent, and approachable. I also want to hold the vision for the company.
Your Online Total Leadership Cnnections Program was eye-opening for me. So, thanks for creating it.
Guess I need a refresher course.
Signed,
Between Extremes
Somewhere between extremes lies the sweet spot of collaboration
Dear Between Extremes,
Good for you seeing where you fell short in the past.
For instance, I think all of us swing, like a pendulum, from one extreme to another until we find center stage.
I remember when I finally held my hand up in a team meeting about pattern awareness and said, “Hi my name is Sylvia and I am a pleaser.”
Then I had to do the hard work to become a truth teller.
However, at first, my truth telling was egregious and I became a persecutor/tyrant. Not pretty!
All in all, let’s take a few minutes to ride from one extreme to the other and then look at the middle ground.
Persecutor/tyrants are large and in charge all the time
The persecutor/tyrant is the leader who runs their team or organization like a dictator.
They thrive on power and control, believing that the only way to get results is through strict authority and micromanagement.
Under the persecutor/tyrant’s leadership, team members often feel stifled, fearful, and disengaged. Creativity and innovation suffer because employees focus on avoiding mistakes rather than taking risks and contributing their best ideas.
The traits of a tyrant leader are clearly seen by most
- Authoritarian Decision-Making involves making decisions without input from the team. The leader believes they know best and seeks little to no feedback.
- Micromanagement: No task is too small for the tyrant to oversee. Every action is scrutinized, and autonomy is non-existent.
- Fear-Based Motivation: The tyrant uses fear—of failure, demotion, or even being fired—as a primary motivator for employees.
- Control Over Collaboration: Collaboration is discouraged, and individuals are often pitted against each other to stay in favor with the leader.
While the persecutor/tyrant might achieve short-term results, the long-term impact is a toxic workplace, high turnover, and burnout.
THE QUESTION: How can a leader so entrenched in fear-based tactics evolve into a visionary leader who inspires and empowers?
The Milk-Toast Leader: Fading into the Background
On the opposite end of the spectrum is the milk-toast leader, often referred to as a pleaser. This type of leader avoids conflict at all costs.
There is excessive concern with being liked rather than being effective. They allow others—peers, subordinates, or higher-ups—to dictate decisions.
In doing so, they sacrifice their own vision and leadership, which leads to disarray within their teams and, more importantly, a lack of direction.
The traits of a milk-toast leader frustrate direct reports
- Avoidance of Conflict: They shy away from difficult conversations and decision-making to avoid potential conflict or disapproval.
- Lack of Assertiveness: They struggle to assert themselves, allowing others to take control or influence their decisions.
- Overly Accommodating: Their primary goal is to maintain harmony, even at the expense of the team’s or organization’s success.
- Unclear Vision and Direction: Because they are so focused on pleasing everyone, they fail to communicate a clear, compelling vision for the team.
THE QUESTIION: How does someone who avoids leadership challenges become a visionary capable of navigating tough decisions and inspiring their team?
The Journey of Transformation: From Extremes to Visionary Leadership
Whether you identify more with the persecutor/tyrant or the milk-toast/please, the good news is that both styles transform into visionary leadership. This transformation requires self-awareness, commitment to personal growth, and the willingness to embrace new leadership qualities.
Self-Awareness: Understand Your Leadership Style
The first step toward change is self-awareness. A leader must recognize the limitations of their current leadership style and acknowledge how it affects their team and the broader organization. This requires honest self-reflection and a willingness to receive feedback from others.
You can take the Leadership Pattern Breakthrough Test to find your predominant pattern/s.
- For the tyrant, self-awareness means recognizing the damage that a fear-based approach causes. It involves understanding that control and power do not equate to respect and that their need to dominate stifles innovation and productivity.
- For the milk-toast, self-awareness involves recognizing that their desire to please and avoid conflict is not serving their team or their own leadership goals. It’s about understanding that true leadership requires the courage to make tough decisions and assert a clear vision
The persecutor/tyrant and the milk-toast/pleaser leaders struggle with vulnerability, albeit in different ways.
For the tyrant, vulnerability is a weakness. They fear losing control or being perceived as inadequate.
For the milk toast, vulnerability might look like conflict or failure, which they try to avoid by retreating from difficult decisions.
The power of embracing vulnerability
Visionary leaders understand that vulnerability is not a weakness but a strength. By being vulnerable, a leader opens up the possibility for growth, connection, and innovation. Admitting when they don’t have all the answers or acknowledging mistakes humanizes leaders, creating an environment of trust and collaboration.
- For the tyrant, embracing vulnerability might look like asking for input from their team, acknowledging when they are wrong, or trusting others to make decisions without micromanagement.
- For the milk-toast, embracing vulnerability means standing firm in their decisions, even if it causes discomfort. It also means being open to conflict and understanding that confrontation can lead to growth and better outcomes.
Shifting from Control to Empowerment
Visionary leaders understand the power of empowerment. Instead of trying to control every decision or please everyone, they focus on empowering their teams to take ownership of their work. This means providing clear guidance but allowing space for creativity and autonomy.
- For the tyrant, this shift requires relinquishing control. It means trusting their team to make decisions and focusing on fostering an environment where team members feel confident in their abilities. Empowerment comes from providing support and resources rather than micromanaging every detail.
- For the milk-toast, empowerment comes from asserting themselves and providing a clear vision for their team to follow. It means stepping into their leadership role with confidence, knowing that their decisions and direction are essential to the team’s success.
Developing Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a critical component of visionary leadership. It involves understanding and managing your emotions and being attuned to the emotions of others. High EQ allows leaders to navigate complex interpersonal dynamics, foster positive relationships, and create an emotionally healthy work environment.
- For the tyrant, developing EQ means becoming more empathetic and learning to listen actively. Instead of using fear and intimidation, they practice understanding their team’s needs, motivations, and challenges. This shift fosters trust and collaboration.
- For the milk-toast, developing EQ means recognizing and managing their fear of conflict. They must learn to engage in difficult conversations with empathy but without backing down. By doing so, they model healthy conflict resolution and build stronger, more resilient teams.
Cultivate a Visionary Mindset
Visionary leaders look beyond the day-to-day tasks and challenges. They have a clear and compelling vision for the future, and they inspire their team to work toward that vision. Cultivating a visionary mindset means thinking strategically, being open to innovation, and staying adaptable in the face of change.
- For the tyrant, this means letting go of the need for immediate results and focusing on long-term success. Instead of pushing for compliance, they work on building a shared vision with their team that everyone feels invested in.
- For the milk-toast, cultivating a visionary mindset involves stepping out of the comfort zone of pleasing others and daring to set bold goals. They must learn to communicate their vision with confidence and clarity, rallying their team behind a shared purpose.
Continue to learn and grow
Finally, both the tyrant and the milk-toast must commit to continuous learning and personal growth. Leadership is not a static role, and visionary leaders understand the importance of evolving with the times. They seek out new ideas, embrace feedback, and are always looking for ways to improve their leadership.
- For the tyrant, continuous learning involves recognizing that their past tactics may no longer work in today’s collaborative and innovation-driven work environments. It requires humility and openness to new approaches.
- For the milk-toast, continuous learning means building confidence in their leadership abilities. They must actively seek opportunities to practice assertiveness and decision-making, stepping into their leadership with greater authority.
Transform Extremes into Empowered Leadership
The transformation from tyrant or milk-toast into a visionary leader is not an overnight process. It requires self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and a commitment to growth. However, by embracing vulnerability, empowering their teams, and cultivating a clear vision, both types of leaders can evolve into the type of leader that drives innovation, fosters a positive workplace culture, and inspires others to reach their full potential.
In the end, visionary leadership is about balance. It’s about finding the strength to lead with authority, empathy, and the courage to make bold decisions while staying open to feedback and collaboration. Whether you start as a persecutor/tyrant or a milk toast/pleaser, the path to becoming a visionary leader is within reach.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafaitr
PS. Get a copy of “Don’t Bring It To Work” and email me your basic behavior pattern ( you will know it cause when you see it you will feel it). Or take the quiz here. I would then love to send you a complimentary copy of the “Pattern Aware Success Guide” with simple daily exercises that take only five minutes to keep you on the right track.
