Leadership Archives

Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

The core issues gutsy girls face

Sylvia Lafair
December 5, 2018

I want to address a topic that I feel is very important. Specifically, what issues do gutsy girls (and women) face in today’s world plus the 3 major mistakes females make and how to make changes that are both healthy and positive.

Let me start by sharing a story…

Yesterday my 13-year-old granddaughter asked me if I thought she was too outspoken in her opinions. She was sharing an ‘incident’ that occurred in school when one of her friends was being ‘bullied’ by some of the boys.

The girl had been teased about her long very curly hair and told how ugly she was.

Arielle stepped in and told the boys to stop. She then spoke up, simply asking them how they would feel if someone said they were gruesome looking. She was told to “mind her own business” and with that, she was on a roll.

“How we treat each other affects everyone around, not just the person being attacked. And I am not willing to stand here and pretend what you did was fine and just for fun. You hurt my friend’s feelings and it makes me mad.”

Arielle was strong when telling me about the encounter. However, toward the end, I could hear her voice weaken, and she said to me “Grandmom, you wrote the book GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change. That’s for the adults. What we teens need is our own manual on how to operate in this very toxic world. Was it like this when you grew up? Can you help?”

I heard the call to action and am starting to put a teen book together and will let you know when it’s done after the new year.

Here are my beginning thoughts about the core issues GUTSY GIRLS face in our very toxic world and what to do about it. It’s about the three major mistakes females make, have made for generations, and how to make changes that are healthy and positive.

In many ways, it’s about all females, regardless of age:

NOT Speaking Up: Fear of being rejected if you say what you really mean. The need to be part of the ‘in crowd’ or at least not be talked about, becomes more important than telling the truth. Stuffing feelings, smiling, and being a pleaser are the core patterns here.
NOT Shutting Up: Fear of being ridiculed if you take a strong stand. The need to get louder and louder to make a point and never, ever, back down is more important than thinking about the right timing. Flooding feelings, anger, and being a drama queen are core patterns here.
NOT Owning Up: The fear of being abandoned if you say something was your fault. The need to look smart and capable is more important than asking for help. Deflecting feelings, blaming, and being a victim are core patterns here.

I have helped lots of women transform these outdated patterns to live richer, more fulfilling lives and now its time to take it to today’s teens who are looking for ways to live richer, more fulfilling lives.

If you or the teens in your life have questions or comments that can go into the new book, please get in touch with me. The world is changing and we need to make positive changes that will make a difference.

Thanksgiving Celebration Tradition Family Dinner Concept

Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Patterns

Have a heartwarming and growth-inducing Thanksgiving

Sylvia Lafair
November 20, 2018

I am writing a heartfelt message to hopefully help make your Thanksgiving time as positive and fruitful as possible.

First, here is a quote from retired Supreme Court Justice, Sandra Day O’Conner:

The Family unit plays a critical role in our society

And in the generations to come.

In all the work I have done as a therapist and leadership coach, those words ring true for everyone both at home and at work.

Interestingly, many wish this were not the case, that annoying family members could just be forgotten.

Not possible.

Some of my best advice in “Don’t Bring It To Work” and “GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change” is about how to transform outdated behavior patterns we learned in our original organization the family that we bring into work and all other relationships.

Take the Leadership or GUTSY quiz to see where you are in terms of pattern repetition.

Today, I want to give you two tips that may well lead to a new understanding of those around you.

“TELL ME MORE”: Most of the time we stay at the superficial and safe level of talking with each other. To get underneath the obvious where the gold of truth lies, all you need to do is say “TELL ME MORE” to invite a richer discussion.

In my experience, most people want to heal past rifts and want to love and be loved in return. While this may sound too soft and fuzzy, it’s the opposite. Being open and searching for truth is the true hero and heroine’s journey.

It takes GUTSY women and BOLD men to be open and not defensive.

Your experiment is to simply deepen your discussion with at least one person over the Thanksgiving holiday.

“IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO ME”: Being vulnerable takes strength and determination. Easier to defend, explain and justify, to judge, blame and attack. That is the way most of us were taught to protect ourselves as kids and yes, we bring this with us into adulthood.

The words “It would mean a lot to me” are very carefully chosen. Saying what you ‘want’ or ‘need’ often creates a push back. It sounds like you are weak or demanding.

Simply telling someone what would really matter to you without putting a burden on them to fulfill a want or need is more honest and also more possible.

It would mean a lot to me to hear from those of you who use these two communication tools during the holiday season.

Also, it would mean a lot to me if you would take a minute and vote for me as a global guru for the 4th year in a row.

Thanks for all the support and comments over this past year.

Have a heartwarming and growth-inducing Thanksgiving.

Warmly,

Sylvia

Business, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

What Does Equality Look Like?

Sylvia Lafair
November 13, 2018

What does EQUALITY look like? And what I am talking about here is FULL equality?

That was one of the main questions I was asked at the Indianapolis Conference for Women where I presented last week.

I was pushing for women to embrace the concept of FULL EQUALITY in my presentation “GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change.”

I have received so many emails thanking me for “the formula” that I decided to share it here, with all of you.

First, let’s take a journey back to the long-ago past where men were hunters (the daring ones) and women were gatherers (the caring ones).

Or brains still react as if we were still back in that day. I will explain in a moment.

In tribal times men went out with spears or a bow and arrows to make sure they could track and kill the deer or buffalo that would be dinner for many nights. They were trained from childhood to be uni-focused, speak less, and go out alone.

Women, on the other hand, were multi-trackers. They would watch the kids, keep the tent clean, go out to get the herbs and berries to make the food tasty.

Research shows that male brains utilize nearly seven times more gray matter for activity while female brains utilize nearly ten times more white matter. And therein lie some of the issues we are grappling with today.

Gray matter represents information processing centers in the brain, and white matter represents the network of connections between these processing centers. Men often do best with focused tasks while women excel at integrating and assimilating information.

Human evolution has created two different types of brains designed for equally intelligent behavior. However, what was needed long ago is not what is needed now. The roles of men and women are changing rapidly and who knows, maybe the brain will change how it looks in years to come.

The new formula:

Daring + Caring = Sharing

As women become more daring it gives men the chance to become more caring. And the good news is that this leads to a more powerful way of sharing. It leads to FULL EQUALITY.

For all of us to thrive and become the best we can be it is time to step out of all the recent negativity and really understand that each one of us has a part to play in creating a good balance between the sexes.

I applaud all the daring women and caring men who are figuring out how this formula can be part of today’s life, at home and at work.

If you have a story about the new balance in your relationship, I’d love to hear about it. With your permission, it could be in the new book I am working on about, guess what…. FULL EQUALITY.

Best,

Sylvia

Communication, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Why some words have high emotional power

Kristen Poborsky
October 30, 2018

Did you ever wonder why some words have high emotional power while others just slide off people’s lips without a second thought?

The old saying, “Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you” is 100% not true.

Let me explain.

While recently preparing my presentation for the Indiana Women’s Conference, I found an old notebook about communication that had me smiling and scratching my head.

Words, even short ones, like ‘No’ and ‘Yes’ can create conflict or heal a rift in a matter of minutes.

Let me invite you to go with me back to an experiment in graduate school about the power of words.

The project was to discover if just one word can make a difference in how you react to a situation. Not even sentences, just short, simple words. My lab partner made a list of words for me and I did so for him. We knew each other well enough to put some trigger words in the mix.

Full disclosure: we were ‘sorta dating’ in a flirty way and he did put some words on the list meant to get my attention. And, I must admit, vice versa.

The experiment: We sat in separate small darkened rooms, and heard words told to us over a microphone in a neutral, non-invasive manner. We were hooked up to a small GSR (Galvanic skin response) machine that recorded changes. Kinda like a polygraph machine. No buttons to push. The list went like this: table… scarf…butter….no…. Daffodil…..road…. movie…. dating… yes…. And on and on.

We were asked to observe the pattern that developed from the string of words.

Some words were clearly about the situation at hand… for me words like dating, love, marriage certainly were trigger words with my ‘sorta dating’ lab partner sitting in the next room.

However, one of the words that was a real eye opener for me was a simple one we use and hear every day, more than once.

Every time a ‘Yes’ was said I stayed neutral. It was the word ‘No’ that put me at the top of the meter.

At the time I could not figure out why it was causing so much bodily tension. I was a strong- willed individual (or so I thought) and ‘No’ was easy for me to say.

Over the years, as I continued to study the power of words, my webinar “Communicate to Captivate” helped me see clearly why ‘No’ was a bell ringer in my nervous system.

I had always identified one of the behavior patterns I learned as a kid as “the rebel.” I did not like to be told what to do and did not like to take ‘No’ for an answer. Makes sense so far. However, life is not always as it seems at first blush.

The rebel was really a cover for a deeper behavior pattern. The pleaser. Huh, what? I was NOT a pleaser, thank you. And yet, as I got through the first layer of thinking to what was underneath my automatic response to the word ‘No’ I realized that I had been programmed from day one to be a pleaser.

I was trained to be polite and ee-gads, proper.

As all children do, I learned by imitating. I watched my mother, aunts, female neighbors, teachers. I learned that to be accepted it was important to not make waves and while ‘Yes’ was appropriate ‘No’ was censored.

The rebel in me was always fighting with the pleaser. And then I got it!

It was fine to be a rebel in a philosophical sense, discuss what could be debated in a classroom setting. Yet, when it came to making people happy, doing what was expected of me, the pleaser had the upper hand.

If it meant stuffing my own feelings, so be it. The mantra was “be good, be kind, behave.”

I realized that the word ‘No’ had entered my nervous system at an early age as a danger word. A word to use very carefully because it could have grave consequences, especially around being accepted.

In my leadership programs I always remind people that “No is a complete sentence.” Everyone laughs and makes sure to write down this nugget of wisdom.

I also teach that the pleaser transformed becomes a truth teller. It is healthy and appropriate to say No and not back down. And yet, I wonder if I took the GSR test today would ‘No’ still be at the top of the chart as emotionally charged.

A moment to think about why words have high emotional power…What do you think your trigger words are? And even better, why do you think these words would cause emotional heat?

Send me your answers to sylvia@ceoptions.com and I would love to send you a copy of the 13 most common behavior patterns we learn in childhood and their positive transformation.

Business, Communication, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

How good are you are telling the truth?

Sylvia Lafair
October 23, 2018

How good are you are telling the truth? Think about it for a minute. Where do you hold back to be polite? Or when do you shrug and say “Whatever” rather than let your underlying feelings out?

Telling truth to power is not for wimps. It takes great courage to stay strong and speak out.

What do you do when it’s time, to tell the truth in a situation when emotions run high? Look, it’s easy to go online and fact check just about anything. And all excellent leadership development programs focus on making sure you have the facts straight when you do a presentation or go in for your performance review.

When emotions run high, that’s where the stakes are even higher when telling the truth may be difficult and can even cost you a job or a relationship.

Please hear me:

Telling the truth is not spilling your guts!

It takes discipline to say what you mean without defending, blaming or justifying. This is the way of the most powerful and respected leaders today.

Here are some things to remember as you gain the courage, to tell the truth effectively.

Observe: Socialization is one reason most of us shy away from being totally honest. At home and in school you were taught to be polite and proper or you would get in trouble, sent to your room or to the principal’s office.
Understand: Some people annoy you more than others and you need to find out what pushes your buttons. The route to eternal truth-telling begins with searching for internal truth. You need to check out the defensive patterns that developed as a means of self -protection.
Transform: Learn to ask before you talk, listen before you respond. Take the high road rather than attack. This takes discipline and an ability to look at the interactions rather than just your point of view.

Here is an example of appropriate truth-telling that happened when we were consulting with a sales team. This was a particularly tense meeting where the leader was ready to bring her internal learning about herself to the test of external validation.

The group was at a stalemate on how to improve sales. The air in the room was heavy. The lack luster performance had led to constant bickering and blaming. The VP of Sales simply said “Stop” and all eyes focused on their boss. Joyce’s voice sounded tense as she began to talk. Her sentences were short as she pulled them from the internal truths she now wanted to express.

“As I checked from every angle to analyze why sales are stale I automatically blamed you, my leadership team. That is an old pattern of mine, to blame others when things go wrong. Then, based on the coaching I have been receiving, I had to zero in closer to home, to address what made me so uncomfortable. I realized I was taking on too many high-profile projects that kept me from what was really important, guiding and supporting you. I have begun the process of making adjustments, so I can devote more time to what you want and need from me. I’m ready to hear from you now.”

Truth is riveting. It was quiet in the room, until someone said, “Thank you.” When the team reconvened after a much-needed break, the renewed energy was palpable. Ideas were smarter, collaboration freer, action plans faster.

To sum up: We all yearn for relationships that exhibit truth. That is the foundation of trust. Whether we are ready and willing to externalize our truths, we still would rather be in the atmosphere that makes it possible to speak out in an honest way. The best leadership development is to learn to take our internal truths and find the most appropriate way to be open and honest, as Joyce was able to do with her team.

I hope this gives you the courage to explore your own path to truth.

Communication, Confidence, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Leadership Strategies: When is it better to make waves and say NO?

Sylvia Lafair
October 9, 2018

Recently I’ve been asked “When is it better to ‘make waves,’ and say ‘NO’ rather than just go along with what is being said?

My response: The art of communication involves both active listening as well as the ability, to tell the truth appropriately. Here is some important learning about the impact of the simple word ‘NO ’as a key to success.

Show you are in charge: No matter what your title, you are a leader in some respect. When time issues have everyone complaining, you can be the one to say, “There has to be a better way and NO we can’t keep doing what we’re doing the way we are doing it.”

If you are the leader of the team saying NO with strong, clear conviction will help everyone be ready to shift to Plan B.

Stop the office politics: Often co-workers want you to side with them. It’s a natural tendency left over from the schoolyard where cliques formed and caused dissonance. If you show even the slightest interest in the gossip you will quickly be pulled into that ugliness. So, just say NO, you don’t want to hear the latest about who’s not getting along now.
Be the change you hope for: When you set the example by listening without interrupting, using short, clear sentences and voicing your suggestions effectively you will find people coming to you for advice. They will also begin to model your brand of shorter, clearer communication. A direct ‘NO’ can keep business situations on track without the wasted time of defending, explaining or justifying your position.

The behavior types that have the most difficulty saying ‘NO’ are the pleasers, martyrs, rescuers and super achievers. Think about it for a moment, how hard is it for you to tell someone the NO word? Do you ever think you will disappoint someone by not agreeing with them and telling them so? Is it more important to be liked than to be right? All leadership development programs should have a section on what it means to say NO.

Often, outdated patterns keep you from speaking up.

You can see what your pattern is by taking the quiz >>HERE<<.

And please remember that “NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.”

Business, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

What Do Women and Men Want?

Sylvia Lafair
October 2, 2018

Here is an excellent response to my question, “What do women want” and “What do men want.”

Please read this thoughtful comment and then my answer. We are all living in such interesting times and need to keep talking and getting to the core. That’s where change really happens.

Dear Sylvia,

Nice one about men and women. I can really feel your internal struggle with what is going on in the world.

Your question though, I think it is a trap. “What do women want, and what do men want?” This puts us in a place where we are forced to assign the same belief systems to all “men” and “women” and make assumptions that they want fundamentally different things. This continues to promote us vs them.

Now, of course, men and women are different, just as black and white are different, as Hindu and Baptist are different, as Mexicans and Americans are different, etc, but each of these differences is but one part of the equation. People all want fairness and justice, but they differ wildly on what constitutes fair or just. These differences are of course driven by the same things that drive all our other behaviors, family, culture and crisis. For me, gender is a piece of culture, but for argument’s sake, let’s add a fourth element “biology” to the mix of family, culture, and crisis. When it comes to Sex, biology is probably a stronger driver than in just about any other area.

So, do men and women want different things? No and Yes. What does humanity want, and how are those wants more aligned than they are misaligned?

Miss you guys. Life is pretty good right now, I have health and love. Everything else is just fluff.

Warmest,

A Man Who Cares

Dear AMWC,

You are so right about the differences that make us all unique. I have gotten many comments that have simply taken sides. It’s so often the same old men vs. women story.

One even reminded me of the “joke” about men… “You can’t just love em and leave em by the side of the-road, cause, they’ll always find their way home and you’ll still be stuck taking care of them forever.”

Here is my thought about the common denominator regarding the “battle of the sexes.”

What we all want is simply to be heard, to be acknowledged, and to be accepted.

My question is, “Why is this so hard to do?”

I’d love your comments.

Warmly,

Sylvia

Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Leadership: Being a Change Maker

Sylvia Lafair
September 25, 2018

If you are interested in being a change maker, read on. If not, well, take a break, get some danish and coffee and chill.

You see, I think the world is divided into doers and escapers. Doers will speak up to be heard and find ways to rattle the chains of old behavior patterns till they break and make way for to something new. Escapers maybe have more fun, at the moment, by keeping things the same and never addressing change, often till it’s too late.

Right now, the groundswell is about the #metoo movement.

OK, you doers, stay with me, please.

There is a missing piece of this movement that needs your help.

It’s about getting past the anger at powerful men, or maybe just men in general.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Yes, women must stand up and say ‘no’ when men show disrespect or worse, blast past boundaries of what is good and right, and think they can dictate to or abuse women.

I hear this question so often, Are men or women the stronger sex?

To which I say, “Who cares?”

Change makers are the ones who will insist on getting to the core of the issue rather than just riding the wave of public opinion.

You see, I am convinced we still really don’t know and understand each other at a core level. And yet, we need each other. One size does not usually fit all. However, what does fit all is the requirement for what Aretha Franklin belts out in RESPECT. Listen and pay attention.

Our men are hurting (in different ways) and they often don’t have a chance to be heard. Or more important, they are so used to avoiding emotional issues they really don’t know how to express deeper feelings.

Ah, feelings, this is what I call ‘THE F WORD.’

We are presently living in the world of pattern repetition. The #metoo movement is having a new resurgence of the women’s movement. No bra burning this time. Yet, the anger and dissatisfaction are the same. You can read more in my book “GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change.”

What is good is that we are finally looking at that ugly, often hidden area in sexual relationships. The core questions are “What do women want?” and “What do men want?”

I would appreciate all of you change makers if you would send me an email about your answers to these vital questions. We need to think about and answer this.

It’s about you, it’s about me being change makers and it’s about time.

Business, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles

Take a different view of leadership

Sylvia Lafair
September 12, 2018

Today, I’d like to take a different view of leadership. It’s about you and you and you and me. It’s about how to bring our voices into the conversation and how we each can play an important role, no matter what.

My husband Herb and I recently returned from Madrid and Bilbao Spain. This trip gave us an extra whack on the side of the head and I want to extend this whack to you and you and you.

Join us, if you will on a sunny end of summer day in beautiful Madrid. Not a care in the world. All business matters have been put aside. Just time for fun and food and entertainment.

Until…..

An advertisement on the side of a bus caught my attention. It showed a rickety old railroad car and barbed wire. And the last word I expected on a bus in modern Spain. The word was Auschwitz.

It sent a chill down my spine and at first, I just wanted to ignore it. Then I felt myself becoming angry. I didn’t want this vacation peppered with ugly memories from the past. So, I said nothing.

Other buses carried the same ad. And I finally said something.

“Maybe we should go?” I questioned, with little enthusiasm. And those of you who have had the delight of meeting and knowing Herb would have guessed his response. “We keep seeing that ad no matter where we turn. There is a reason it’s not being ignored by us. I think we should go.”

The Auschwitz Exhibition will be on a world tour for the next 7 years. Pay attention when it comes to your area.

Upon entering you are greeted with a quote in Spanish and English by philosopher George Santayana:

“Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it”

Then, in the dim light, you go from room to room travelling through time. A vivid history lesson takes you from pre-war Europe to the end of World War l, through World War ll and beyond.

Most of us know the history. Yet, with today’s life moving so fast, it felt almost ancient, from long, long ago. It is as modern as today’s world refugees being beaten for no reason, as modern as the finger pointing making journalists the enemy, as modern as the level of disrespect and division we see everyday everywhere.

We left feeling diminished, depressed, disgusted.

And yet…….

The last poster on the wall had glimmers of hope and resilience. It is about another view of leadership, about something for each of us, for each of us that goes past education, skills or talents. It is the legacy of one Holocaust survivor for all of us. It is about living life fully, no matter what.

The poster said: You who are passing by

I beg you

Do something

Learn a dance step

Something to justify your existence

Something that gives you the right

To be dressed in your skin in your body

Learn to walk and to laugh

Because it would be too senseless

After all

For so many to have died

While you live

Doing nothing with your life

—–Auschwitz survivor

And that evening…….

We went to have dinner and watch a marvellous Flamenco show. And as the beautiful men and women strutted and stamped their feet and danced to the music I kept wiping tears from my eyes. We are all so amazing and so full of magic to create and delight in each other’s talents.

If only…….

We learned to stand on the shoulders of the past rather than repeat it.

My pledge is to keep knocking down the roadblocks and help everyone I can breakthrough the outdated, ingrained behavior patterns that keep us stuck in the past, stuck from being the best we can be.

I invite you all to take a bold step forward and take a different view of leadership.

What about you and you and you? What is your dance, your song, your ‘raison d’etre,’ your reason for being? I’d love to hear from you.

Leadership, Leadership Strategies

How Do I Know I’m Doing Great?

Sylvia Lafair
August 14, 2018

When was the last time you asked yourself…How do I know if I’m doing great?

Do you love getting report cards? If the answer is “yes’ I bet, you were a super student from kindergarten straight through your school days. For some who are averse to tracking success, well, it really does need to be done, whether you like it or not.

Today I want to look at measuring your improvement as a leader. It comes from the following email I received recently.

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I’ve been through so many leadership programs and I’m simply at a loss on how to measure my success as a leader. What data do you think will help me see if I am on the right track?

Signed,

Super Achiever

Dear S.A.,

Good idea to get some markers to see if you are climbing the right mountain at the right time.

And the question, “How do I measure my improvement as a leader” is one to ask yourself and others at 3/6/9 /12-month intervals.

Let’s start with 4 key areas all individuals in leadership capacities need to consider:

How do you empower the vision of your organization?
How do you know you hired the right people?
How are you communicating what needs to be addressed?
How are you using the best ways you motivate your team?

Of course, ROI is the standard bearer. Not making the money says something is not working, right?

You don’t need me to tell you that. What I can help you with are some thoughts to ponder as you take a critical look at your leadership skills. That means taking some quiet time and asking yourself important questions.

I am suggesting that as you learn to become more aware of yourself (the best leaders, as you know, are self -aware) you can take what you get from your personal quiet time and then start to ask others about how they respond to you. You can do assessments and get good information.

However…. Start by talking to yourself.

How are you being true to the direction you have created for your business? How are you continuing to think bigger and deeper as you empower the vision for the short term and long term of your work world?
How do you know you hired the right people to help you fulfil the vision? Can you be in a meeting and feel the willingness of your team to support each other, move beyond ego, and look for the best solutions using critical thinking rather than personality ploys?
How are you enhancing your communication with short and empowering stories to drive home what you want to get across to people?
How do you decide which motivators to use at any given time, from coercion to charisma?

I suggest that the most important measurements come from your ability to observe yourself and then go to the assessments. Good idea to take the leadership development test I have created to see what behavior patterns you use and what to do if you want to make positive changes.

It’s smart occasionally pause and to ask the question…how do I know I’m doing great? Keep going and keep growing.

1 2 3 … 9 Next

The core issues gutsy girls face

Have a heartwarming and growth-inducing Thanksgiving

What Does Equality Look Like?

Why some words have high emotional power

How good are you are telling the truth?

Telling the truth is not spilling your guts!

Leadership Strategies: When is it better to make waves and say NO?

What Do Women and Men Want?

Leadership: Being a Change Maker

Take a different view of leadership

How Do I Know I’m Doing Great?

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