Leadership Archives

Business, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Managing Stress, Stress

What are your usual coping mechanisms?

Sylvia Lafair
April 1, 2020

I did a survey asking the following question: What are your usual coping mechanisms?

Take a minute and answer it for yourself.

The responses I received went from “Eating junk food” to “Playing games online” to “Binge-watching “Tiger King” to “Mixing a batch of martinis” and on and on.

Most responses were about indulging in one way or another. Indulge means to participate in an activity that is undesirable or disapproved of and doing it much too often.

I hear you saying “Just zip it and no preaching, please. Not now. Not when I must adjust to life changes that I didn’t choose. I just want some comfort. Is that so bad?”

Nope, not bad at all.

Although, maybe, just maybe, there are more positive ways to spend your time.

We retreat to indulgences when we feel threatened and want to run to a safe, familiar place for our own survival.

That brings me to a Cherokee legend that we all need to think about. You see, when crises and change are upon us, we have choices.

There are two wolves and they are always fighting.

One is darkness and despair, the other light and hope.

Which one wins?

The one you feed!

Listen closely and you can hear LIFE requesting you to use the reset button. Right here and right now. Requesting you think differently, change your habits. Stop indulging.

Here’s a way to think about which wolf you are feeding right here and right now and what you can do differently.

There is the survival brain. And there is the creative brain.

The survival brain is vital for safety. Its goal is to keep you out of harm’s way. It is in the brain stem and the limbic system. A Key player is the amygdala (what I have named Amy Hijack). It’s responsible for detecting fear and preparing for emergency events. It then sends a message of “danger here” to the hypothalamus to trigger a fight or flight response.

The emotions in the survival brain include anxiety, anger, disappointment, shame, revenge, regret, and blame.

Many of us live there most of the time.

The creative brain is in the frontal cortex, hippocampus, basal ganglia and white matter.

The emotions here include curiosity, peacefulness, empathy, joy, calmness, ability to plan, joy and gratitude.

OKAY.

Which area of the brain do you want to feed?

Donald Hebb, a Canadian neuropsychologist said it best. Known as Hebb’s law: “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” And that means, with enough repetitions, your thoughts and behaviors become ingrained patterns.

Now, that’s a game-changer.

What does this mean to you? Yes, you. You going through changing times that require you to adapt and adjust?

It means in a short sentence, “The more we move away from fear and defeat and move toward curiosity and exploration, the more we feed the creative brain.”

Which part of your brain do you want to feed right now?

Keep an eye out for my brand new masterclass “How to Practice Safe Stress During Times of Distress” and learn the mental/emotional exercises to feed the part of your brain that will support better health and more success.

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Managing Stress, Stress

7 Ways to “Practice Safe Stress” during times of confusion and chaos

Sylvia Lafair
March 25, 2020

What do you do when others are driving you nuts? When you can’t seem to catch your breath because so much is being asked of you? When you must change your schedule to please others who claim to need you ‘right now’?

Do you go on the attack and say whatever comes to mind to get back at the offenders?

Or do you slide away quietly and go into hibernation, hoping that by ignoring the situation, you will be ok?

Guess what?

Attacking or retreating leads to the same place. More aggravation.

Either way, you lose!

Using these typical methods to handle stress won’t solve the problem.

Okay, you want to know what will solve the problem?

Do you want to learn how to practice safe stress?

Here are some ideas to help you gain control when you begin to wobble while responding to others.

FIRST: Where do your emotions reside? In Freakoutville or Zombieville?

FREAKOUTVILLE is filled with:

Drama kings and queens who take up all the space with their rantings
Rebels who are never willing to compromise
Superachievers who push everyone aside, so they are always first
Bully persecutors who put others down to feel good about themselves

ZOMBIEVILLE is filled with:

Procrastinators who make excuses so they cannot be held accountable
Avoiders who run in the other direction to avoid conflict
Deniers who pretend that all is fine and won’t look at difficulties
Pleasers who say yes to be liked and pretend they are happy to help

What is your primary pattern of responding?

Once you can pinpoint your typical way of responding you can learn to “reverse the curse” of getting your buttons pushed and falling victim to your own worn out, repetitive ways of responding.

Yes, it is a curse to keep getting caught in outdated, ineffective ways of behaving.

Only YOU can make the changes to get out of Freakoutville or Zombieville and get into the SAFE STRESS ZONE.

Here’s how:

1. Think like a computer: Unbridled emotions can limit confidence, communication, and creativity (the 3 C’s of success). Be like a computer and press the delete button once you see you are in the extremes of either Freakoutville or Zombieville.
2. See the pattern as AAP: It’s just ‘Another Annoying Pattern’ brought to you from the depths of your nervous system meant to keep you safe and secure when you were a kid and no longer needed.
3. Don’t feed the weed: When you pull young weeds from the garden it is super easy to get rid of them. If you feed the weeds, they will grow deep roots and you must tug and tug to get them out.
4. Stop the avalanche: Snowballs are fun to throw until they become so large you no longer have control. Maybe make a snowman and put a sock over its mouth.

Once is NOT enough: Staying in either extreme of overreacting or underreacting will continue to pop up, like pimples on a teenage face. So, keep clearing your thoughts and please don’t pick at the scabs.

Stand and be counted: Good posture helps diminish stress. Not only do you look better, but you also breathe better, and more oxygen in your body makes for a better mood. Stand, smile (even if you need to fake it at first) and in a few minutes the anger will subside.

Shrug IT OFF: Bring your shoulders to your ears and then let them drop. Do this rapidly. Inhale while you raise your shoulders and exhale when you lower. Think “Is this worth fighting or hiding” and just shrug it off as you walk into the safe stress zone to communicate effectively.

Practicing SAFE STRESS comes from being able, to tell the truth, stand for what is right, and learning how to say no without having to defend, explain or justify. You learn to be heard, accepted and appreciated.

Even better, you save your energy for what is fun and creative rather than staying stuck in anger.

Safe stress is good for you, it’s good for the world.

Leadership, Managing Stress, Stress

How Great Leaders Tackle Anxiety and Overwhelm

Sylvia Lafair
March 12, 2020
anxiety, Leadership, overwhelm

So many people these days are asking me what do we do with the anxiety.

I’m feeling stuff I haven’t created. It’s out there, but I’ve got to handle it and we all all of us really need to know how to handle it. So, think about this, you’re taking a walk in the woods and in the distance, you see something that looks a little squirrely out there. Not a squirrel and you say to yourself, “is that a snake?” or a stick and what? Do you start to back off until you look and you say, “is it moving? Isn’t it moving?” and finally you get whew. It’s a stick and you keep going and kind of toss it into the underbrush. So, nobody else will be bothered with it. So, why do we get feel it was a stick? Why do we get so nervous? Well, we have all of the survival skills that have been handed to us for thousands of years to keep us alive, to protect us.

They’re good. We need them but sometimes they get out of control, and we become so afraid of everything that we don’t know. How to work, walk, live, breathe, be with each other and right now, with stress really at a high level as leaders or emerging leaders. It’s really important to know what to do.

So, one of the things I want you to get is what happens in the brain. Our brains are programmed to really go toward reward and away from punishment. Toward what’s good and away from what we think is bad. Think about, if it were a snake and we’re afraid, we would back off. It’s a stick, no big deal. Okay, think about that and what we do when we get a reward is, we’re rewarded. Our brain gives us extra dopamine and I don’t want to go into a major scientific understanding of this, but I really want you to get that when we have promotions, when have successes and we feel good. Our brain is saying, all right let’s give him or her something really good to work with and we get some extra goodies in our bodies and we feel good about it and that’s where it’s good.

Now, the other part of this is when we are faced with something that is frightening or difficult or creates anxiety in us. How do we handle it? Well, here’s my theory and it’s a lot of researchers going into this and I’ve worked with thousands of people who have come back and said, “you know, when I saw the snake, not the stick, this is how I handled it” and I want you to think about this: it’s about adapting to the moment, taking a deep breath and thinking to yourself, this too shall pass because things do pass. Change is the way of the world and think about one of the great leaders during a difficult time in the history in America, was Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and remember his famous saying: the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

So, when you’re in a difficult situation, when things aren’t going your way, when you have to cancel a meeting, when you have to not be presented with an award because nobody can show up at the time, what do you do? You take a deep breath. You say to yourself, “and this shall pass.” That will give the brain a little bit of room to say, “well if it’ll pass, maybe I can show up and give her some dopamine and make her feel better,” but do something at home by yourself. Close the door and we know that what we do feels better when we dance a little bit, sing a little bit, look at beautiful things. So, take the time during these stressful times to handle your anxiety by doing something that is going to give you some of that dopamine and make you feel better. So that, then you can say to people the only thing we have to fear is fear itself and help people move on.

Have a blessed day and here’s to your success.

Thank you so much.

Business, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles

Have the Rules for Competent Leaders Changed?

Sylvia Lafair
March 11, 2020
competent leaders, Leaders, Leadership, leadership rules, Leadership Success

Have the rules for competent leaders changed over time?

Has social media and the fast pace of the world made the qualities of what real leadership is so different?

I say NO.

I spent time researching what the leaders of old did to keep projects moving quickly. I spent time looking at what was expected of leadership teams and leadership development way back when there were so few ways of calculating and keeping records

Here is what I found.

There are 5 qualities of competent leaders that have not changed over the centuries.

I was musing about this looking at old photos from when we took a group of senior executives on our “Leadership in Action” trip to Peru.

When we visited Machu Picchu, I was awestruck by the buildings fused together without mortar, as if dropped from the sky in the middle of this gorgeous Andean mountain range. I asked and really pondered over the magnificence, thinking “How’d they do that?”

Then on another trip to Egypt, I stood in awe at the base of the Great Pyramid of Giza and had the same thought, “How’d they do that?”

I imagined the leadership teams that were assigned the tasks of getting these sites completed. I mused about the challenges and disputes that likely occurred. How did the ancient leadership executives get the jobs done?

Here are the 5 qualities of competent leaders that have lasted over time and are still in place today. Please let me know if you agree.

Quality #1: Effective communication.

Whether by megaphone or cell phone, a key requirement is to let people know what is expected of them. The words and the images these words create are vital to getting to the goal.

Finding the exact ways of requesting and requiring what has to happen is a skill for leaders that transcends the centuries.

Quality #2: Preparation.

Being proactive is the ability to make things fall into place, rather than merely responding after the fact. When you are prepared, you can, in a sense, see the future before it occurs.

You study the weather, the adversaries, the details, and you are ready to intervene rather than be at the mercy of unforeseen events.

Quality #3: Listening.

Leaders pay attention to the body language, gossip, rumblings of the subtle discontent. It’s not about arguing and making others feel stupid or unnecessary.

It’s about taking in all the information to make the most effective decisions rather than grandstand what you and only you think and want.

Quality #4: Understanding the system.

Knowing how the whole is connected to the parts is critical for leaders. It has been said that when someone sneezes in India, someone in Indiana may catch a cold (or a virus).

The ability to facilitate sustainable change by identifying and strengthening positive connections and limiting the negative implications of a project is a high-level leadership skill.

Quality #5: Balance macro and micro initiatives.

Finding the sweet spot between too much or too little interaction keeps things moving smoothly. The need to exert excessive control can kill creative energy and teams become like robots. However, on the other side, letting it be a free-for-all creates havoc and shoddy work results.

The key is offering suggestions and making definite calls in the moment, where they are required while permitting input from others, is the sign of adept leaders.

While the modern workplace is now volatile, bewildering and frustrating, is it really that different in the human requirements?

My e-book, “5 Leadership Development Lessons” continues the dialogue and is available here.

Comments? Send me an email or better yet, pick up your smartphone and call me.

Communication, Leadership

Leaders and Rebels

Sylvia Lafair
March 6, 2020
Communication, Leaders, Leadership, rebels

Today we’re going to look at why we get so stuck when things keep repeating and repeating. It’s the old quote by Einstein, “if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” And that’s the truth. Ain’t it the truth?

So, we’re going to look at how in relationships we get stuck in patterns and today we’re going to talk about the rebel and the boss, and I got an email from the boss in a company where she said, “I’m going bunkers with Donna.” Donna is our best salesperson but she goes around and everything I say, she has to challenge everything. If I say “today’s Tuesday,” she’ll say, “well, it’s going to be Wednesday soon.” If I say, “it’s sunny outside,” she said, “well it’s going to rain. So, what are you talking about,” and she is driving me nuts. So, what happened was everybody said, “fire her, fire her, fire her,” and I thought there’s got to be a better way and I was reading ‘Don’t Bring It to Work,” and I thought, hmm, she sounds just like the proverbial rebel.

She has to challenge, then she gets all her friends and her colleagues on her side and sooner or later they’re going to swoop into HR with a complaint. So, I thought what can I do and how can I do it differently.

So, here’s an important tip for the day. What I listen to were some of the things that she said and it was always about me being loud. I can be at times, but not often… is what was said to me being being bossy.

Well, I am the boss. So, I have to tell people what to do, but I’m very inclusive and she she said, “you’re always telling me, I’m doing things wrong. Well, sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn’t and that’s part of being a leader.

Right, right, okay. So, I got some reading. The book “Don’t Bring It to Work,” and then I talked to some people and I thought okay, let me change me, “if you’ve always done what…” you go, “if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”

Forgotten, anyway I called her into the office and here’s the tip, I lowered my voice. Now, I’m not loud all the time but I lowered it, so she had to lean in rather than push back. Made a difference and then what I did was, I talked a little bit slower. I had lowered my voice. I talked a little bit slower, and I asked some questions. I asked her, “what is it that I can do so that we can get along together?” And then, I did something that I don’t do as much as I said. I zipped it and I listened and it’s called an accountability question.

So, I waited and she sat there and finally she said, “well, she said I often feel like you, don’t think what I do is right or good or appropriate,” and then I push back and she started sitting back.

Again, watch behavior. Watch body language. Listen to the words. What happened was, I made a commitment to be able to talk with her in a different way the next time, the next times we talked, but I said, “if there’s a problem, can you figure out how to come to me first and then we can discuss it before you start talking with your colleagues and creating a lot of stir of what’s going on.

So, please this is a quick tidbit when you’re talking with a rebel. Somebody who always wants to challenge authority, will lower your voice. Talk more slowly and ask the question, “what can I do to make a difference?

When in our relationship, see what happens. Let me know, and the book ‘Don’t Bring It to Work’ it’s a good one. Take a look at it.

Thanks so much. Talk to you soon.

Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Leadership, Success

How Is Good Work Measured in Most Organizations Today?

Sylvia Lafair
March 4, 2020
Communication, communication skills, conflict resolution, good work, Gutsy women, leadership development, power sentences

How is good work measured in most organizations today?

It’s no longer about longevity and loyalty. It’s no longer about being first one in the office and last one out (to show how hard you work). It’s not enough to say ‘yes’ to each and every project, no matter how overwhelmed you become.

What should be front and foremost in leadership development programs to stay up to date?

Let’s drill down to what makes the biggest difference.

A look back first: we have moved from the industrial age, through the information age into the knowledge age and are on the brink of entering the wisdom age.

Big leaps in short amounts of time.

What, in heaven’s name, is the wisdom age?

Wisdom is not simply sitting on the top of a mountain and meditating. Nor is wisdom simply spouting out lots of facts and statistics.

It’s the ability to prepare. In today’s world, it’s easy to get the facts and stats to make good decisions. We have more quick routes to information than ever before on our planet.

Along with the rational reasons for making decisions, it’s also vital to understand the motivations and emotional reactions people have to the facts and stats.

Blending emotional intelligence with rational perspectives is the heart and soul of the wisdom age.

Here are the key elements for leaders and emerging leaders who are ready and willing to take on the challenge of bringing wisdom thinking to work:

Purpose: Everyone in the organization has a strong vision of what they are doing for company success. There is a clear path that includes contributing to the community in which they live.
Openness: Employees feel free enough to speak up and be heard rather than just sit on the sidelines. There is a sense of confidence that they are being treated like adults who can help solve problems and contribute in a creative manner.
Compensation: There are no hidden agendas that keep employees feeling they are being exploited or ignored. They feel empowered to ask for a just and fair wage. There are sites like salary.com to keep this emotionally laden subject open for healthy communication.
Excellence: Everyone is given opportunities to take on-line courses, such as GUTSY WOMEN LEAD to enhance leadership development. And senior leaders are committed to their own continued growth.

This push into the future, to becoming wise, is not without its challenges.

This requires a new way of thinking about organizational culture and individual accomplishments.

It’s not enough to have a “tune up” at work and offer a course on conflict resolution or gender equity and call it a day.

It’s about visioning a place where everyone is valued and respected. Where people learn the best communication skills and ways to handle the discomfort of conflict without creating a huge ‘us vs. them’ divide.

The world is poised for positive change right now, if we take steps in the right direction. Communication skills can be enhanced and that is a good place to focus.

Let’s grow wise together.

Let’s make it happen.

Get a copy of 79 Power Sentences that offers some good tips for how to talk with each other effectively.

Want more about communication and power?

I would love to offer you a FREE copy of my book “79 Power Sentences.” Find out the one word that changes minds quickly.

CLICK HERE FOR INSTANT DOWNLOAD!

Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Leadership

How to Change Conflict to Collaboration

Sylvia Lafair
March 4, 2020
collaboration, Communication, conflict, conflict resolution, conversation

Hi everyone! Sylvia Lafair here and I’d like to offer just a few tidbits about conflict and how to handle that nasty thing that drives us all crazy.

So, when they ask how many people out there like conflict raise your hand. If you do all over the world where I worked I have asked that question and in a room of 50, in a room of 200 you usually get one or two people who raise their hands.

Conflict is something that makes us get tight inside, scares us, makes us want to run the other way, makes us feel like is it my fault, is it always my fault. So, what I’m going to do is, give you one little tidbit toward the end of this.

So, listen for just a minute. There are so many times at work where we feel discounted, ignored, pushed aside because somebody else is trying to climb the ladder of success. So, you can’t blame them for climbing the ladder of success but you need to know how to manage that. It’s like taking wild horses and learning how to teach them to behave properly.

So, what does that all mean? It means you don’t run away. You don’t get into it with them. You stay very centered. You breathe. You ask questions and if you have a colleague that’s really upsetting to you, my biggest suggestion is don’t go to each. I don’t go to your boss. Don’t go to your friends. Don’t go to your colleagues. Go to the person. So, what do you do once you go to the person. Well, you have to talk to them right.

Okay, so here’s the way you do it. You can start there, two ways: one is you can start and tell them how you feel about things you know. When you tell me my work isn’t good enough, I feel frustrated, discounted, upset, whatever your word is, and then what I do. What I have done is, normally I shut down, push away. I pull the curtain down. I talked to myself. I talked to my friends, but this time I’m really going to talk to you.

So, the question here is, what can we do to make our relationship work better? That’s it. That’s all you have to say, and then you zip it, you get quiet, you listen to them, and you wait for their response, and then… but this has to come from the work you’ve done. Your internal work saying, “I really do want to have a relationship with you.” That works too many times. I’m getting responses that are saying, “I can’t work with him or her and I’m leaving the job,” and what I have found is, often you go into another job and there’s another him or her right there.

So, tackle this. Learn how to handle it. Learn to look at the essence of conflict, and when the stress gets to the hot button, know that you always tend to revert to patterns you used in your younger years to protect yourself. This isn’t about protection. It’s about understanding. It’s about dialogue. It’s about creating a new way.

I’d love you to contact me at CEOptions.com. I’d love to hear from you. We have an incredible staff of coaches who can work with you, and one of our major skills is helping people learn to handle conflict in a way that you can change things from very nasty, annoying, push away to a next level of collaboration.

It’s doable. It’s workable and we all need to learn it.

Thank you so much. Have a wonderful day and here’s to your success.

Communication, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Getting the Rebels Who Challenge Everything You Do to Comply

Sylvia Lafair
February 26, 2020
Communication, communication skills, getting the rebels, Leadership, leadership skills, rebels

You have the skills to be a leader. You are given great feedback about how well you communicate.

So, why is it still a struggle to get some of the rebels who challenge everything you do to comply with what you want done?

You question yourself all the time, wondering if you must always fire and hire to get rid of the troublemakers.

And yet, even with new hires you can’t be right all the time.

Lately, do you question yourself?

Maybe, just maybe, it could be in the way you handle the rebels.

Here is what Matt wrote, bet you can relate:

Dear Dr. Lafair: In reading your book “Don’t Bring It To Work” I began to realize that frustration and conflict at work is a two-way street. Until now, I always viewed the ‘troublemaker’ rebel at work as THE PROBLEM.

I would tell HR to get them out of the place as fast as possible.

This is what I learned from understanding the basic patterns that come from how we were raised and how we bring those behaviors to work.

Wish I had learned this in my leadership development program years ago.

However, glad I know this now.

MAKING CHANGE AT WORK IS A TWO- PARTY PROCESS!!

The rebel I’m talking about is Marcy. She is so skilled at her sales job I don’t want to fire her. However, she is a pain in the ass!

She is always rebelling against authority and then she spreads the seeds of antagonism to others on her team (her team is MY team).

She is always making me wrong or undermining me and telling folks that I must be stupid.

My colleagues said, “Just fire her.” My mind kept saying, “There has to be another way.

NOW I HAVE THE OTHER WAY.

Marcy sees me as the angry parent. She told HR that she thinks I am always judging her, that I scold her, raise my voice to her (so she said). She said that I give her more work than the others on the team (not true).

I took a risk and talked with her.

Now, I didn’t want to pry, or sound like a therapist. However, I did want to figure out what I could say that would give us both a new outlook on how to respond to each other.

IT WORKED.

Here is what I did and how she responded.

I used what I would always say to my kids when they were little, I used my ‘inside voice’. I am not super loud, however, when I met with Marcy, I talked just a tad slower and monitored my tone.

I noticed that she leaned toward rather than away from me.

I asked her to describe what she needed from me when we had some disagreements to discuss.

She sat up straight and sighed.

She then told me that when I talked with her in a demanding, you better do what I say, manner, it pushed her to stand up for herself.

Yikes, I had to look at myself, not just at Marcy. Yes, that two-way street of relating.

I realized that I did sound like an angry parent. I was surprised and even a bit shocked.

That was it. I did not ask her about her childhood. I did not ask her to change. I did not challenge her. I just listened and thanked her for her candor.

Fast forward a month.

I am starting to really like this woman I called a demon rebel to myself. She is more willing to have a conversation, more willing to think about what I request of her. And, is becoming the super salesperson in our group.

She jokingly told me after our last team meeting that she no longer says to herself “Dad, I wish you would just shut up.”

So, there it is. Your idea about bringing what we learned as kids into the workplace has been validated.

Now, onto the pleaser and the avoider.

I have a new leadership skill that will save me tons of aggravation and my company tons of money. I get it, when possible “Fix em, don’t fire em!”

Thanks,

Matt (Smarter by the Day)

Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Leadership Tip: How to Engage the Petty Tyrant at Work and Win

Sylvia Lafair
February 19, 2020
Leadership, leadership skills, leadership tip

Today’s leadership tip is about something that I think just about everybody has to find and figure out what to do with at some point in their work life.

What I like to call, the petty tyrant. It’s the person who can make it crazy, because they’d like to steal your ideas and then claim them as their own. They like to tell you that they can’t get the work done. So, you have to do it and then they come in at the last minute, and they say, “Well, I’m glad that I had that great idea,” and it goes on and on and on.

So, every company I’ve ever worked with has some petty tyrants in there. Petty tyrants use psychology to really make you go wacko and if you get into what they’re saying, you’re going to have some problems.

So, you have to be able to stay far away and look at them. You have to observe what’s going on at first. I know people like to be helpful and kind and give ideas to someone else, but once you start seeing that the other person is really a grabber not a giver, it’s time for you to speak up and be cool about it. So, here are four tips. I wrote them down, so I won’t forget them.

The first one is to show some empathy why you’re saying they’re absolute jerk. So, why should I show empathy? Well, I want you to know that they’re often in pain and they often live in fear. So, I know your next thought is, so why should I care? Well, it’s okay if you care. It’s okay if you don’t but you have to know about this. So, you know what to do with it.

So, the first thing you do when you have a petty tyrant to work with, is acknowledge them. Acknowledge whatever they’ve done. Often, they’ve worked wherever it is for a much longer time than you have and they feel you may be coming in to usurp their place. So, one of the things to do is acknowledge them for anything. I mean, acknowledge that they’ve done a good job in the past. Acknowledge that they’re created something you can like.

It will begin to limit the amount of fear in the room with them when you talk with them. The next thing and this is the most important is, don’t play their game. Don’t play the “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve.” Don’t play the “but I told you.” Simply say, “What’s going on isn’t working and you begin to look from your perspective. You’re staying very centered in this.”

So, you’re not going to play into their game because they want to suck your power and they want you to be afraid of them. Don’t let it happen. Don’t play their game.

The next thing is, create boundaries.

The next time we go in a meeting and you say to me, “Oh my goodness! Can you help me with this?” Say, “No, I told you that that wouldn’t work for me,” and the fourth is, if everything else fails, get a third party to sit with the two of you. It may be somebody from HR. It may be a colleague. It may be a coach, somebody that the two of you can agree to talk with.

So, how workable is this? I’d say it’s about a 70/30 that you can tame that tyrant and make them become a friend. 70/30 though that you will become stronger in what you’re doing and feel good about yourself because you won’t play their game. You have shown empathy and you’ve created boundaries and worst case is, don’t you be the one to leave. Go and talk with somebody about what’s going on because I’m telling you, you’re probably not the only one that they’re using. They’re really users. So, be careful, be kind, be strong and go for it in your career.

You’re going to find a tyrant somewhere or other make sure that when you do, you can’t tame them.

Thanks so much. Talk to you soon.

Communication, Conflict Resolutions, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Success

How To Have A Difficult Conversation Productively

Sylvia Lafair
February 5, 2020

Who do you think has the hardest time with feedback? Is it the giver or the receiver?

In most leadership development programs the focus is on how the giver, the leader discusses feedback with the receiver, the employee.

The team leader comes into the meeting armed with a pre-thought-out performance review, feedback from others on the team, and the comforting fact that they are in charge.

NOT SO FAST!

What about the individual being reviewed?

Many who have been in our Total Leadership Connections program over the years have all said a variation of “I hate this situation. I feel like I’m back in school and being judged with not much chance to stand up for myself. I have a kinda, take the hits and get out fast attitude.”

WHY IS FEEDBACK SO NERVE WRACKING?

Do you hate to be judged? And more to the point, what happens to you when you know you will be judged?

SELF-DOUBT IS THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.

This is when the idea of feedback becomes even more interesting.

The self-doubt goes both ways. It invades the emotions of the receiver, yes, we know that. However, did you know that the giver also often must reach for anti-acids before, during, or after a feedback session?

WHERE DID THE SELF-DOUBT START?

Here is a memory Janet shared in a leadership coaching session that gives a clue.

“When I was around 9 years old, we were doing multiplication tables at school. The teacher would say 9 times 7 and then randomly point to one of us kids. I hated the finger-pointing and the need to perform like a circus animal. You know, she would snap her fingers and we had to perform to her expectations. If I got the answer wrong, she would keep moving on. Yet, the kids would snicker out of their own discomfort. I began to shut down emotionally and that has stayed with me through the years. So, when it’s time for feedback, I just want to puke!”

Fast forward 30 years and there is Janet, filled with anxiety and self-doubt when her boss tells her what she did or did not do correctly.

AND SELF-DOUBT IS A TWO-WAY STREET

I was also coaching her boss who shared this with me about feedback sessions.

“Twice a year at feedback time I sleep little and eat lots. Eating is my go-to reaction when I’m stressed. I think if I had more direct reports I’d end up on TV’s “The Biggest Loser” because of excessive weight. I don’t like to give negative feedback and yet, to be honest in my job, I have to say things that will upset others. Yet, I can’t tell this to anyone. They’d shrug and say, tough, that’s part of being a leader.”

HOW FEEDBACK CAN WORK CONSTRUCTIVELY?

Both the sender and the receiver can become aware that there is a real, live human being sitting on the other side of the table. Yes, even when one has, it seems, more power than the other.

That is NOT the point. The point is that each side needs to be sensitive to the self-doubt that is sitting in the room, like a great big yet very quiet elephant.

Acknowledge that the meeting is stressful and anxiety-producing. No, that won’t make the nervousness go away. It will, however, shrink the elephant to a smaller size and make the situation more honest.

USE THESE 4 MAJOR WAYS TO SET UP A FEEDBACK MEETING

There are ways to make difficult conversations more productive.

Here are 4 major aspects of feedback that need to be in any discussion:

Make sure you are both clear about what is to be discussed.
Keep it simple and stay on the subject (no ‘furthermore’ or ‘in addition to’).
Be respectful (no unnecessary jokes, leave that for having a snack together).
Agree to the next steps together (the key here is to make the decisions about the next steps with each other not with one being dictatorial and the other submissive).

This is the first step in a communication model I have used to help thousands of high achieving leaders and those aspiring to leadership positions find the common ground for effective dialogue.

THE BEST WAY FORWARD

You don’t have to let the self-doubt voice in your head become a tsunami of negative thoughts saying over and over that you are going to mess up or disappoint.

My team and I have a short, simple process for better feedback and better communication.

Set up a breakthrough call with me.

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