Leadership Archives

Gutsy Women Need to Work Together to Make the Changes in the World

Sylvia Lafair
January 15, 2020
Gutsy women, Leadership, women leaders

Hey!

This is for all the gutsy women out there. All of us who are here to make change happen, to make the world a better place, to make our lives more fulfilling.

This is for all of you and all of you who have joined my women leaders inner circle.

I so appreciate it now.

Here’s what I’d like to say, because this is really important. We need to work together to make the changes in the world.

So, I need to hear from you. I need to hear questions. I need to hear comments. I need to hear critiques of what’s going on. Whether you agree, don’t agree, have other points of view. Everything, so we can have a really juicy discussion.

So, for all the gutsy women out there, those of you who have joined, welcome. Please contribute even if it’s a sentence or two, so that we can keep moving forward.

I have lots I love to share with you and I also want to hear from you, and those of you who aren’t sure about joining, check out some of my work on our website, on Creative Energy Options, and see if this is for you.

We really are moving into an era where, I believe that women with our creativity and our sense of self, can help make the world a better place and my formula, I think many of you have heard of before, is as we women become more daring in every area of our lives, we give men the room to become more caring, because the models were really locked in place. Women were at home and were passive. Men were out there doing whatever. It’s changed. It’s changing. It will continue to change.

So, as women become more daring, men become more caring and daring plus caring equals share, and we will have a much more, a world that is much more connected in a different way, where we can share and we can help each other. We can all be vulnerable, and we can all be strong.

So, go for it. Join women leaders inner circle.

If you’re not part of it and those of you who have joined, I so welcome you and our team of coaches is here for you and some of them, many of them, the women anyway are on the women leaders inner circle.

So, you can have a lot of interesting dialogues going on. Ask, ask question, critique. We want it. We love it.

So, here’s to you.

Have a blessed day, a marvelous week and let’s keep going and growing.

Thank you.

Business, Communication, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Time to Upgrade Your Communication Skills

Sylvia Lafair
January 15, 2020

Time to get your communication skills upgraded. Let’s start with a quiz. What are the two most annoying words that we all misuse?

Don’t cheat and look at the end of this. Just keep reading. It will make more sense that way.

Here’s the story Carol told me about a situation at work. It locked her into using simple words that were causing lots of difficulty in her relationships. Especially with David.

They were on the same leadership team and she had to find a way to work with him.

Her complaint about David? “He’s always right. Or so he says. And more than that, he always has to have the last word.”

And then she said with frustration, “He never asks questions, only tells his point of view.”

Her worry was, “He’s up for a promotion and all I can tell you is, I could never report to a jerk like him.”

And what about David?

He thought Carol was a control freak who would never ask questions, only give her point of view.

Two peas in a pod, so to speak.

Did they have personality conflicts? You betcha.

However, it goes beyond personalities. They are stuck with words that deflate ad defeat.

They were stuck, as so many are, with the words ‘always’ and ‘never.’

These are two of the most destructive words you can use because they shut down communication rather than set the stage for new possibilities.

Think about how you use these words.

Where do you ‘always” and where do you ‘never’?

I bet you are so familiar with these words you really don’t even give them a second thought. They were ripe for most of us from our childhood.

Stuff like your mom saying, “You never do what I tell you to do.” Or, a sibling jealously saying, “You always show off in front of my friends.”

What do these words do?

They start a power game. Sadly, a game that can’t be won.

These words create antagonism.

They set it up so the other person must prove to you that you are wrong. Or they feel defeated and a barrier is created that cuts off real communication.

Now you know the two destructive words. Here’s what you can do to upgrade your communications skills…

Filter before you speak.

Look, just about everything in life is fluid. It really isn’t an always or never world. It’s a world of change, change, change. And even the most offensive of relationships has the power to be redirected with good intentions.

Rather than make the ‘always’ and ‘never’ claims, use words like ‘often’ ‘regularly’ and ‘habitually’ when you want to make a point when you are frustrated.

Then give room for someone to respond. ASK don’t tell.

Dale Carnegie, author of the well-known book “How to Make Friends and Influence People” suggests that “90 percent of all management problems are caused by miscommunication.” Notice he didn’t say ‘always.’ He left room for other possibilities.

And here is what happened with David and Carol.

David was promoted and became Carol’s boss.

And Carol proved herself right. She soon left the company because she could never report to a jerk like David. And guess what? In her next job, there was another David who always drove her nuts.

She’s now looking for a new job where she never has to be bothered by people who always want to tell her what to do.

Want to hire her?

Yes, words have power. Take the time to really clean up your choice of words so you can upgrade your communication skills.

TOTAL LEADERSHIP CONNECTIONS™ LEVEL 1 Give Away

My book, “79 Power Sentences” can give you great ideas on how to change the way you express yourself.

Let me know by emailing me if you would like a copy.

Simply email me at sylvia@ceoptions.com and it’s yours for free.

Business, Communication, Growth, Leadership

Communicate to Captivate: How to Talk Truth to Power

Sylvia Lafair
January 9, 2020

This month is dedicated to communication, to telling the truth without spilling your guts, or for some, letting go of the truth festering inside because of the fear of retribution, and getting past the upset.

There is a better way...

Based on so many calls and emails I have gotten in the past few months, while communication is at the heart of how we behave with each other, the willingness to talk truth to those who you see as powerful often leads to excuses rather than action. Or it finally boils over and you end up regretting what you have said.

Stop for a moment and answer the following questions.

What words come to mind when you think about having a difficult conversation with your boss, your business partner, your chairman, or even your life partner?

When I ask teams I coach, the words that pour forth are “Scary, nerve-wracking, tense, nauseating, fearful?”

Now, think of yourself as an eleven-year-old. What words come to mind when your parents sat down with you for a difficult conversation? I bet the same words apply.

Why is it scary to tell the truth, especially to power?

When you were a kid, you risked being punished. And at work, there is always the fear of being fired.

We did a survey of 1700 corporate executives and employees. The base question was “What makes a good boss and a good employee?”

One of the most important responses from over 80% said that a boss needs to ask for feedback from employees. And that same number said that employees need to be trained in how to give feedback to a boss.

The comments about giving the feedback were, you guessed it, that is was scary, nerve-wracking, tense, nauseating, and fearful.

We know that organizations that encourage open communication and honest feedback enrich relationships and build trust, yet, that’s not always the case. Part of the reason so many would rather lie on a bed of nails than tell a boss what they really think is there hasn’t been much training about how to have these complicated discussions.

Here are the basics for talking truth to power. And, may I suggest, don’t wait. The delay could make what you want to say outlive its usefulness.

Be specific: “I need to discuss getting an assistant by next month.” Rather than, “I’m overwhelmed with the workload.”
Be Detailed: “I have several reports you expect (name them) and without some additional help, I won’t be able to fulfill your request. Rather than “I don’t want my work to be late and not detailed enough for you.”
Be factual: I did already tell you (name times) I would need some help, however, I don’t think I was clear and forceful enough.” Rather than, “I always say yes and then I realize there is too much on my plate and even when I work nights and weekends, it still isn’t getting done.”
Be immediate: “I need a commitment from you to get some help so we don’t end up angry with each other.” Rather than “I hope you will do the right thing and get back to me.”

When you frame your words with the 4 Be’s above, you eliminate lots of judgment, blame, and attack that would deter a positive outcome.

This takes practice. You can talk with a friend or coach before you have the truth to power talk. They get easier as you keep doing them and they save time and hurt feelings.

Want more about communication and power?

I would love to offer you a FREE copy of my book “79 Power Sentences.” Find out the one word that changes minds quickly.

CLICK HERE FOR INSTANT DOWNLOAD!

Goals, Growth, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Patterns

Time for New Resolutions

Sylvia Lafair
December 30, 2019

It’s that time for new resolutions. Right? You know, the ones that usually become old in a week and absolutely stale by the end of the month.

“Change,” I hear you say, “change is tough.” And it is.

EXCEPT

There is one new resolution you can make that will reap tons and tons of rewards.

It’s about practicing change before you must change.

This should be in the curriculum at school starting in middle school. But, it’s not. No one teaches this. Most of us just get into a sticky situation, and change comes at us like a fire snorting dragon.

EXCEPT

Once you practice change by taking a risk, you become more confident, more focused, and yes, the next change gets easier.

Here is the practice part of change:

Pick a time to be quiet and plan.

Pick something you want to change.

Make it something that doesn’t make you freeze in place.

Paint the scene, in your mind, of what will happen if you do something differently.

Write it down.

Now you are ready to make new resolutions that stick. Take the risk (come on, it’s just a small risk.) And, you only must do it once, not like losing weight that is an everyday affair.

Here are a few examples of new resolutions from some of my clients:

Tom, the perennial under-achiever, would always talk last in business meetings. He finally made the conscious decision to take just one risk, to speak up first and not hold back. Yes, for someone who always had to make sure he didn’t rock the boat, speaking up first was a challenge. Just this small change boosted his confidence and he soon found himself moving from being an avoider to becoming the initiator of discussions.

Connie was constantly over-thinking what she could and should say to her boss when the demands were piling up. Her risk was to move from pleaser to truth-teller. She agreed to do this once, just once to see what would happen. Of course, you guessed that when she told her “the Devil Wears Prada” bully boss “No” to a new project and the reasons why their relationship became more relaxed and cooperative.

Tammy was known as the office rebel. Yet, deep inside she was filled with self-doubt. There was always worry that others would think she was just a pain in the butt troublemaker. So, when she made the decision to take that one risk and call a meeting to look at the company issues about diversity, she was, in her words, “numb with fear.” One risk changed her life. She now has colleagues to collaborate with and, as a group, they are working together for positive change.

Now, it’s your turn to start making your new resolutions.

What is one risk you are willing to take? Write it down. Talk to a friend about it. Visualize what can happen once you take that deep breath and then even a mini step will move you towards more ease and joy.

One small risk at a time.

The confidence, energy, focus, motivation, ease and joy you are searching for is right here, right now as you move past the patterns that have kept you stuck especially when making new resolutions.

Business, Growth, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Success

What’s the best present you received?

Sylvia Lafair
December 23, 2019

What is the best present you received this year? I mean, the very best.

Is it something you requested or did someone simply make a great guess, and voila, there it is in front of you?

And what is the best gift you gave to yourself?

Think about the following the next time you are ready to give and to receive.

This year, I have been surprised, and yes, delighted to see the huge number of articles about giving meaningful gifts.

And so many are focused on experiences over material goods.

Remember those days when gift-giving, for any occasion, needed to include a designer symbol? If it said DKNY, Gucci, Prada, or Lauren, it either suggested you are rich, have rich friends, or you want to be seen in the company of the rich and powerful.

Not so much anymore.

The focus today is on being with people you enjoy and gathering fond memories that will last a lifetime and on the importance of self-care.

In our present world, so many feel overwhelmed, blurry-eyed, and fuzzy-headed because it seems impossible to find time to take a break and relax.

When considering what the best present to gift yourself is to ask yourself: What do you need more of? And how can you get ‘the more’ you want and need?

The best way to answer these questions is to give yourself the gift of silence. Clarity comes more easily to a quiet mind than if there is so much chattering no new ideas can’t come through.

Here are suggestions for the best present you can give yourself and to others:

Take a break: At work, at home, just find a quiet place and simply stare at the wall, look out of the window, close your eyes and be still. Do this for 20 minutes. Practice this and you will find a new level of calmness and appreciation for getting your work done effectively and more easily. Call it meditation if you like, or just call it zipping it!
Journal: Write out your thoughts and feelings for 10 minutes. No worry about the right words or grammar, just write. Often, you will become clear about the next steps toward what will bring you joy and health. Once a month look back and review.
Exercise: Walk for 30 minutes at least 3 times a week. No cell phone, no need to get somewhere. Just walk. Concentrate on how your body maneuvers as you walk. It’s amazing to think about all the internal messages that get your feet to take one step after another. Appreciate all that your body does to get you from here to there.

Read: Keep a book of quotes or one that guides you to new ways of thinking near your desk or night table. Take time to read a few pages every day. This can redirect your thoughts to ‘the better angels’ inside you. Or find some TED Talks that inspire you. (May I suggest “GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change” )
Breathe: Deep breathing for 7 minutes will bring more oxygen to your body-mind. Do this: Deep breath to the count of 7, then hold your breath for the count of 7, then breath out to the count of 7, and then hold your breath again for the count of 7. Do this 7 times. When you open your eyes, the world can look brighter.

These best presents can move you out of overwhelm so you won’t have to battle burnout. Make yourself a promise to explore these easy and available gifts and put your own designer name on them. And know that YOU are rich and powerful.

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Growth, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Managing Stress

What to do when life seems out of balance

Sylvia Lafair
December 18, 2019

Everyone is telling me this year has more stress and strain than in the past? You agree?

“Why,” people are asking, “is life so much more out of balance now?”

I must admit, I’m not sure. However, I have a hunch that all the social media stuff is really making us kinda crazy.

I was taking a few minutes to think about what we can learn from this seemingly frantic year and I landed on one word.

CURIOSITY

CURIOSITY is the doorway that can keep us all from falling down the rabbit hole of overwhelm and self-doubt.

CURIOSITY is the doorway that stimulates growth, joy, and expansion.

CURIOSITY is what helps us out of the prison of frustration and insecurity.

Let me explain. But, first a question.

What do you do when your plate is overflowing and you need to say STOP, yet you are afraid you will disappoint everyone?

I’ve asked lots of people this question and most of the answers fall into three categories

I just put my head down and keep going.
I eat every comfort food I can find and just keep going.
I give up and turn on Netflix.

Here is a better idea. For the rest of your lives you can do what I am now about to suggest. Do what I say, for at least one day and see how it feels and how your thinking can become more centered.

Ready?

For ONE MINUTE out of every hour (that’s just 60 seconds) allow for the unexpected. Just take that minute and reclaim the wonder of the very small child. In that one minute, fatigue will go, and curiosity and creativity will enter. And even better, your heart can open.

You can call it a minute meditation, you can call it a minute to chill out, you can call it anything you like. It is less than 15 minutes in your whole day to get away from your daily grind.

Then go back to what you were doing.

I have offered this technique to thousands of people and my guess is that at least 60% of those who did this one- minute- stop found that they were more creative and more content after a few days.

Set your watch or computer or smart phone. Just one minute each hour can make amazing changes in how you view the daily situation you are in.

There is a curious child in each of us that would love to come out and play. I’ll meet you on the swing set and climbing wall.

Business and Life Patterns, Change, Coaching, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Success

Is it Really the Season of Joy and Fun?

Sylvia Lafair
December 4, 2019

It’s officially the season of joy and fun…Or is it?

We are programmed to be happy, merry, and filled with love and appreciation. So, why are there so many who have inherited a black cloud filled with rain or snow that clings no matter what?

If so, you are not alone. Make you feel better?

It’s good to be in the majority for many things, right? Yet, it’s better to be in the elite 1% who can get past self-doubt, anxiety, fear, and frustration to enjoy the days ahead.

If your bad habits get in the way of achieving your goals, or past negative experiences keep playing over and over in your head, or your glass (no matter how big) is always seen as half empty, give yourself the gift of time to break free of all the accumulated crap that holds you back.

New perspectives are not that hard to develop. It just takes intention and focused time. You need both.

Look, think of it this way.

Would you wear the same clothes every day, without changing even your underwear?

Would you eat only hamburgers breakfast, lunch, and dinner for months at a time?

Would you say “yes” to everyone without thinking of the consequences?

Of course not. You’re not that stupid…

However, if the same upsets keep repeating and repeating, it’s time to polish the mirror and take a deeper look. If you don’t, here is how the first year of the new decade will play out.

You’ll continue to procrastinate, and goals won’t get accomplished. You’ll hide behind a fake smile and still feel like an imposter. You’ll still reach for the anti-acid to push the anxiety down and still have a stomach ache.

So, make this your time of change. Give yourself the gifts of focused time and intention.

Read a book that will help you say to yourself “Oh, now I get it.” Watch a film that will help you find the courage to speak up rather than retreat. Call someone who can help you find a new and more interesting path.

I’d like you to consider watching my webinar about change: https://ceoptions.com/gutsymasterclass

Right now, it’s for women, although men who have watched said it really helped them see the females in their lives from a clearer perspective as well as their own shortcomings.

Each day offers the opportunity to change.

Take advantage of the morning light to take new steps to make your life full of happiness, merriment, joy, and appreciation.

CLICK HERE and find the 5 shifts for a fuller, richer life. It’s not magic. However, the results are magical.

Change, Growth, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Success

Time for a Change?

Sylvia Lafair
November 13, 2019

Time for a change? Not quite ready? Does life feel confining? Spinning your wheels?

That’s what I’m hearing from so many clients these days. Complaints range from climate change to politics, to getting ready for the holidays. Everyone seems just a bit more on edge than only a few months ago when the longer days of summer made life feel easier.

These times of higher stress are here to push all of us out of the summer comfort zone to start moving in new directions.

Old behavior is confining. Thus, we are given a great opportunity to make changes, even if we initially resist.

Sometimes it happens when a job offer backfires, or when a manuscript is rejected. Sometimes, it’s because of a health scare, or a fire or ……. (fill in your worst nightmare).

Change can be frightening. Or change can be energizing.

Let a lobster be your guide for making a change in a positive manner. Yes, a lobster. You see, you and a lobster are similar. “How” you ask? You both make vital changes throughout the life cycle.

When you are in a time and place that needs change, needs expansion, be like a lobster and molt!

When life gets too tight, the lobster goes to a quiet place and sheds its shell. This is called ecdysis, for those who love scientific terms. The overall term for this shedding is called molting.

Think of the hard shell of the lobster and then see that your hard shell is the environment you live in along with all the old, ingrained patterns of thinking and behaving that make up your mindset.

Times have changed and you want to change with them. You need and want to release old patterns and habits that don’t work for you anymore.

This is where learning from the lobster is critical.

When change is in the air you become vulnerable. It’s best to find a safe, quiet place. Then give yourself the room to heal from the old and make room for the new.

More about the lobster.

When the new shell is in place, the lobster once again, is strong and can do whatever it is lobsters do.

Now about you.

When you break free from old patterns and cast off your old shell, you will begin to find new meaning in your life. This is the time to get a coach, go to a seminar, talk with a friend. It’s time to go slow to get strong. Then, like the lobster you can do whatever you want to do.

Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Success

Are you a Unicorn Leader?

Sylvia Lafair
November 5, 2019

I have been asked this question a lot lately…how do you know if you are a Unicorn leader? It’s kind of the in thing right now.

Let me share this email I recently received. See if you can relate.

Dear Sylvia,

I am in a position where a fabulous job just opened at my company and I WANT IT!!

Can you give me some talking points so when I apply for the job, I will stand head and shoulders above the rest?

It’s head of sales for a global company. I know my stuff, so the skills are there. It’s a matter of ‘selling myself’ to the right people.

Any extra help would be greatly appreciated.

Signed,

In a Hurry to Succeed

My response to “In a Hurry to Succeed”

It sounds like you have found your ‘unicorn job,’ the one that has it all. Now you need to take your excellent sales background to sell yourself.

Time to show everyone at work that you are a unicorn leader.

Here are the questions to ask yourself to make sure you qualify for that prestigious label.

Are you intellectually curious?
Are you flexible?
Are you excited about the change process?
Are you comfortable shaking things up for long term good?
Can you see the big picture and still pay attention to the details?
Can you stay centered during turbulent times?
Are you able to work well with others?

You need to be able to answer ‘yes’ to the above questions.

You see, being great at sales and leading a sales, (or any other type of team) depends upon how aware you are of your skills and talents and even beyond that, how you handle relationships.

The key to ‘selling yourself’ is in how well you can convey your ability to produce results without creating dissension and chaos with your team. Remember that leadership is a team effort – you cannot achieve greatness alone. You do best when you model respect.

That means being able to listen and respond without blame, judgment, or attacking others.

Hold your team accountable and yet, find a way to make the workday fun as well as challenging. That’s the magic of being a unicorn leader.

Unicorn leaders are extremely rare. They shatter expectations, take businesses to the next level, and people love being in their presence.

That means you really take the time to break through any outdated behavior patterns that would get in the way of you being spectacular at strategy, execution, and listening to as well as encouraging others.

Okay, Hurry to Succeed, do your homework on both your internal and relationship areas and the big job will be yours. If not sure, contact me for a complimentary strategy session. You’re almost there.

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Success

Can people with high emotional intelligence still be assholes?

Sylvia Lafair
October 29, 2019

Here’s a question that comes up way too often. Before I state the question let me set the context.

Do you believe the leaders at your organization are good and positive people? Can you talk with your team and feel there is mutual respect? Have you ever been bullied by a brilliant boss?

Now the question: Can people with high emotional intelligence still be assholes?

Who better to pose the question to than Dr. Robert Sutton, Professor of Management Science and Engineering at Stanford University? He’s the author of the best seller “The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t.”

“The book has,” he said as we started our discussion, “never gone out of style, since bullying behavior in the workplace worsens morale and productivity.”

Bob’s endorsement of my book “Don’t Bring It To Work” means a lot to me. However, I told him I was initially resistant to having the word asshole right smack on the front cover of my book.

He smiled and said, “Look, there’s such an emotional reaction to the word asshole that I’d rather be straight out offensive than ignored.”

Sutton is NOT a man to be ignored.

Vivacious, fun, and creative he can go full speed in many directions at once.

What fascinated me was our discussion concerning the dark side of emotional intelligence.

Sutton pointed out that E.I. is an important aspect of leadership development. Yet, like everything else in life, the bright side of being aware of your emotions, communicating effectively, aligning with others to help them through their doubt and overwhelm, while important, comes with its shadows.

“Smart people with keen intelligence can also be brilliant manipulators. They have the language down pat, all the words that touch the emotions, they know how to play the game of ‘good and caring’ except they can truly be, well…. Assholes. This is far too common in the workplace and suddenly, you trusted too much and projects, possibilities, begin to unravel.” Instead, I would like you to be a positive force in the workplace.

Understanding and being able to call out the devious aspects of very smart people can save you lots of angst when hiring, promoting, and developing leadership talent.

Look, we all have a dark side.

However, most of us also have a conscience that keeps us from manipulating others and keeps us from standing on their backs to get ahead.

Yet, you must be prepared to call out those who take advantage before the house of cards falls on you.

Here’s what to look for:

Charm and charisma: these emotional vipers have great verbal skills, with an uncanny ability to find your ego needs and fan the flames of how wonderful you are and how they can help you.
Blazing hot connections: they know ‘all the right people’ they can introduce you to.
Empathy: they understand you, show great compassion, and know what you are feeling and how to help.
Overpromise: paint an appealing picture of how the future will be great as you bond with them.
Underdeliver: easily point finger of blame at others when situation turns sour.

For your own success, learning to spot those who use emotional intelligence to manipulate is vital. Don’t be swayed by the good-looking, smooth talkers no matter how sparkling they first appear. They often are the biggest assholes you will ever meet.

Keep this as your mantra “If it seems to be too good to be true, it usually is.”

Dr Sutton, a pragmatist at heart added, “Some things can look mighty good. But, don’t get trapped into their promises of magic. It’s hard work and integrity that count.”

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Here are suggestions for the best present you can give yourself and to others:

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