Leadership Archives

Growth, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Success

I’m back from my radical sabbatical

Sylvia Lafair
April 3, 2019

I’m back. Yup, back from my radical sabbatical and raring to go.

Now, I know that most of us can’t just say “Gone fishing” or “Gone camping” or “Gone shopping” for a month. That is unless some difficult illness or family issue rears its ugly head. And that is certainly not a fun way to take a break.

I took the month off because I was starting to go in circles, and I was losing my mojo. Yup, it happens.

While I have always been known as the energizer bunny, what I used to do to keep on keeping on was no longer working. So, I took a deep breath to recalibrate.

Here is what I learned.

What worked in the past may no longer work in the present. Times change, priorities change, energies change, and those of us who have been successful using a certain formula may become oblivious to the need to find a different path. That is called “stuck.”
Patterns are meant to be transformed: You know the saying “If you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you’ve always gotten.” The fun in life is finding new and unique ways to keep your mind sharp and your body healthy. Transforming patterns is fun and fulfilling.
Ask and you shall receive: That’s right. Once you ask for new and creative solutions and you stand still long enough for the new to show up, magic can happen. That’s when the synchronicities come into life and every day becomes like a happy holiday.
You are worth it: Often we stay stuck because so many people depend on us. We wear the same type of clothes, we eat the same type of food, we watch the same series on television, we call the same friends and colleagues. We often saying the same things over and over without realizing we are in the rinse and repeat model of life. Taking even a short time to re-evaluate says you care about yourself.
Having an “aha” moment builds new excitement: Taking a different path to work, talking to people you might ordinarily ignore, reading a book that has been gathering dust on the shelf, these may all lead to opening the door to the next level of the new you that you have been yearning for.
You can be in charge of change: If you stay stuck too long something usually forces you out of the rut. It often comes in the form of disappointment at work, dissolving of relationships, or even having to deal with the challenge of floods or fires. If you have no real understanding of how to manage change you are at the mercy of others and often that is when fear runs rampant. When you learn to handle change, even what is difficult can be mastered more effectively.
Creative options can become the new norm: Once you clear your mind and have the luxury of looking at what is working and what is not working you can find the best path that has heart and meaning. Then joy shows up and its time for you to make your next best contributions.

In the past month, I have met some amazing people, often by accident that have helped me clarify what I want to be doing for the next period in my life.

I have hired some top-notch people to help with the webinars and e-learning programs that I want to replace most of the retreats I have done for so many years. I needed fresh ideas and they are arriving like beautiful spring flowers.

Once the programs are finished my focus will be on writing another book.

This one about some of the fascinating adventures that my husband Herb and I have had around the world. I want to write about what it was like to hike the Inca Trail into Machu Picchu in Peru, spend time in the Amazon rain forest in Brazil, Trek the Milford Track in New Zealand, walk the labyrinth at Chartres Cathedral in France, and meditate with the venerable Buddhist monk Thick Nhat Hanh in China.

This will not be a travel story, it will be about how each radical sabbatical changed me from the inside out. It is about the power of experiences over material goods. It is about moving from fear to you may have guessed it, from fear to love.

My recent radical sabbatical made me even more sure that this type of break from work is a great idea for all of us and should be part of a wellness program in all companies. It can be for a day, a week or longer. The number of days is less important than the intention. Like, taking a break and being adamant about no work during that time.

I hope all of you reading this will look at the opportunity to take some time to reinvent yourself. If you want some ideas on how to do this to find what you are looking for, give me a call.

I’m back in business.

Best,

Sylvia

TOTAL LEADERSHIP CONNECTIONS™ LEVEL 1 People in office sitting working in group

Coaching, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Success

In the leadership business, what are we really selling?

Sylvia Lafair
February 13, 2019

What do you think you are buying when you buy perfume, or a car, or a vacation package to Hawaii?

I asked the question: In the leadership business, what are we really selling?

Recent discussions with our CEO coaches, led to some fascinating ideas. The conversations were about what different types of brands really sell besides the products they are advertising. Ultimately, we were exploring what our Total Leadership Connections program is selling beside executive leadership development

We started with easy ones like perfume. Besides the good smell of roses, vanilla, or sandalwood, what are you buying when you put a touch of perfume behind your ears?

The fragrance house is selling emotions and memories. Research shows that there is a real physical connection between scent and memory. Smells are biological linked to our emotions. In our brains, the limbic system is where our emotional life plays out and is crucial for long term memories.

With perfume, clothing, cars, cosmetics, all the stuff to make us look and feel good what is being sold is an emotional connection to a dream. The possibility of romance, love, and conquest.

In the leadership business what are we really selling?

Frank Walsh, a CEO leadership coach and consultant talked about those who join our Total Leadership Connections Program from various parts of an organization. He came up with the idea that those in marketing are really selling empathy. Makes sense.

Then Jodi Klugman-Robb added that those who are strategists may say they sell tactics, yet they are really selling the ability to deal with constant conflict when change is in the air.

Herb Kaufman, the CEO of CEO added that for team leaders, we are really selling the ability to question effectively, listen intently, and learn about personal power and how it differs from positional power.

After a week of looking at what is underneath the specifics of selling our TLC program there was a consensus, that what we are really selling is freedom.

FREEDOM.

The freedom to breakthrough the patterns from the past that can trigger you and your team (and yes, even your family) to stay stuck in outdated ways of responding.

Remember what I said earlier about perfume and the limbic system. That’s what I’m talking about. Our TLC Program helps you find the ‘nots’ that become ‘knots’ and release them. We call it the Pattern Breakthrough Process.

We are hardwired to remember, and we must work hard to transform what no longer is healthy and helpful. And then, freedom is around the corner.

Remember, in the leadership business, what are we really selling…is FREEDOM.

Here’s to a fun and free life,

Sylvia

gutsy or bold are you ready to take action

Business and Life Patterns, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Styles

Gutsy or Bold, Are You Ready to Take a Step Forward?

Sylvia Lafair
January 23, 2019

What does it take to make the leap? Whether you’re gutsy or bold, are you ready to take a step forward?

I was reflecting on the physical or emotional cost when you take a GUTSY or BOLD step out of the old ‘this is the way it is meant to be’ mentality.

I was thinking about Karen who called off her wedding the day before. I was thinking about Stan who quit his very lucrative position rather than stay with a company that promised and rarely delivered.

And then I was thinking about my personal moment of being GUTSY or BOLD. I was a young employee, back in the day. The popular wisdom was to look the other way, keep your head down, do your job and stay silent. I didn’t.

When did you take a stand? Make a dramatic change? Follow your dream even if a crazy one?

AND then what happened?

Karen found her voice (and a great boyfriend), Stan started his own company (and sold it for big bucks.) And I wrote my book GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change (that won some awards.)

Now, between Karen and her voice, Stan and his company, me and my book, there was lots of territory to traverse. Lots of stories of highs and lows, glee and tears, fear and courage.

If, as you read this, you can feel yourself revisiting your moment of GUTSY or BOLD, I have a proposition for you.

I have been asked to add a sequel to GUTSY. Men as well as women are looking for stories of inspiration and they want it from us. That means you and you and you and me. You know, ordinary people who have had an extraordinary experience.

The stories will be gathered in a book about what happens when you take a stand and then, what happens afterward.

In my research over the years I constantly found that making the right move in any situation is 20% strategy and 80% psychology. Thus, we can learn from each other and what better way than through hearing each other’s stories. We can give each other courage to leap rather than tip-toe, tell the truth rather than smooth it over, stand steady rather than walk away.

If you would like to be featured in the new book, GUTSY and BOLD: Stories from Women and Men that Make a Difference please fill out the form below and let’s get going.

Helping each other grow and become the best we can be is nourishing. Tell your story. I know you will be a great guide for so many whose names you may never know, yet, they will know yours and will thank you for helping them take the next GUTSY and BOLD step.

Business and Life Patterns, Growth, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Gutsy Woman Profile: Karen Mangia

Sylvia Lafair
January 16, 2019

I want to share the story of Karen Mangina who I recently met and to me is the epitome of a GUTSY woman.

What would you do if you were in a situation you knew, yes knew, deep inside would be a vast mistake to follow through? Would you take a deep breath and say, “I’m outa here” or “I changed my mind” or “This doesn’t work for me?”

I’ve asked this question to tons of people, male and female and the answers sort into only two real options.

Suck it up and remember that you made the bed, now you will have to sleep in it.
Get out and don’t look back.

Can you guess which answer was voted on more by the men and which by the women. Or, in your mind, were the answers just about 50-50?

From my study the women were more prone to suck it up and the men were more willing to get the heck out and not look back.

Thus, the pleaser personality stood out for the gals and the avoider personality was more prevalent for the guys.

Obviously, neither way is the best. Best would be to buy some ‘wiggle room’ and find possibilities to either make the difficult situation more appealing or, at least, if you need to leave, to make sure you do so without leaving disaster behind.

Okay, so much for being philosophical.

I’d like to introduce you to Karen. She is the epitome of a GUTSY woman. And, in a minute I will tell you her YIKES story and what she is here to tell others who get stuck between that rock and a hard place where it seems there is no winning.

I was lucky enough to have Karen introduce me at The Indiana Women’s Conference.

She did her homework and rather than just talk about my credentials, she told a story about what I learned watching my mother navigate the months after my father’s untimely death in his early 50’s when I was only 14 years old. That introduction was so much more powerful than just listing degrees or awards. It made me real to everyone in the room.

I was intrigued with her insightfulness.

Yet, it wasn’t till we had coffee after the presentation that I realized I was with a real powerhouse, a woman who could stand tall and not be tossed to the side of a road when a situation becomes sticky or impossible.

Karen Mangia is VP of Customer and Market Insights at Salesforce. She is a bright light, with a smile that says “Let’s connect. Let’s communicate. Let’s learn.” She is also an author, and I want to recommend her book to all of you, Success with Less: Releasing Obligations and Discovering Joy.

Here is where I put my latte down and just listened with my mouth half opened in awe. She was telling me about the time that she had to use all the GUTSY chips she had gathered to get through the next few days of her life.

In her own words from her book, “My mom parked the car and started to pop the trunk so we could carry the gifts inside. As we walked around to the back of the car, I started to cry. I couldn’t stop the sentence that was going to change my life. “Mom, I can’t go through with the wedding.” Followed by “Don’t unload the gifts.” (I was upset, but I was also practical.)”

It’s now many moons later and Karen talked about how she had been running on empty until that crisis rocked her world.

She talked about how she began a search for wholeness. The non-wedding was the starter, plus some very difficult health issues, led Karen to search for meaning in her life.

In her book she has tips and tools for understanding the deeper meaning of ‘less.’ It’s about overcoming obstacles and taking steps to evaluate what is true and right for you. Let me say it another way, choose what really matters and let the rest go. It’s an internal decision, and no one, let me say that another way, no relative, friend, or colleague can choose for you.

If you, like Karen, are ready to change from a pleaser to a truth teller take her advice and sit quietly till you become clear about what really matters. Then read her book to help you take the next steps. It made a difference for me.

Being GUTSY is a practice, not just a wish. And the more that GUTSY Women and BOLD Men stay the course and tell the truth the better our world will be.

Growth, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Gutsy & Bold: The New Paradigm of Relationships

Sylvia Lafair
January 9, 2019

Are we on the cusp of new ways of relating to each other? If so, it’s going to take all of us, GUTSY women and BOLD men to continue to clear the path. The old way is about power, prestige and prominence. The new way? It’s still being designed.

The new and better way certainly includes cooperation, caring, and compassion.

My question is, “What else needs to be in the mix?”

Here are a few thoughts of mine. I’d love to hear what all of you, men and women, think the new paradigm of relationships should include.

For me, observing and understanding the invisible links from the long ago past to the present make the best starting point.

Why? So that we can learn which patterns of behavior were meant for survival and may have outlived their usefulness. First, we need to know, before we can make appropriate changes.

Let me explain: Has anybody been to Salem Massachusetts on Halloween? It’s a “madhouse” (pardon the pun) of psychics on every corner ready to do a reading. In fact, all year round in Salem there is great information to learn about the witch trials of 1692.

Women, bona fide healers, who worked with herbs and their own intuition, were considered, you guessed it, witches. Thus, women learned to “shut up,” to keep their knowledge undercover or suffer an ugly death.

No tiny baby girl was ever born who woke from a nap and said, “I can’t wait to grow up and be a pleaser and only say ‘yes’ to everyone.” This knack of being a pleaser, or a rescuer, or a victim came from some basic desire to survive.

Question: Could the subtle memories about ancestors who did not shut up and were burned at the stake make present day women wary? Hummmm, interesting thought.

Let’s take a moment and go back even further. A visit to Greek legends. If your name is Sandra or Cassandra, or even Sandy you may want to pay strict attention. And if your name is Apollo, you too should pay strict attention. Here’s a typical love story: The god Apollo fell in love with the princess Cassandra. He gave her a great gift, more than a gorgeous bracelet or trip to The Four Seasons; it was the gift of prophecy. So far, so good.

The story continues. Now, the good news is this gift was non-refundable. Yet, when Cassandra did not get all mushy about Apollo, he was a scorned lover and wanted revenge. Yup, happens all the time.

So, the only thing that mad as hell Apollo could do, what any self-respecting Greek god would do, was to put a curse on Cassandra; make it so no one would listen. Thus, when she warned that her beloved homeland, Troy would be destroyed, no one would believe her.

Ancient Greece, witch trials, women so often getting brushed aside when they see where things are heading. Maybe no more. Thank you #metoo.

Each of us has a story about a time we were told to ‘shut up’ and be a pleaser. Each of us also has a story about a time where it was important to take a risk and ‘speak up.’ And now is the time for stories about how each of us can ‘own up’ to our personal part in resisting necessary positive change.

Stay tuned. Next week I have a super good story about a woman executive at a great company who learned to move from pleaser to truth teller and what that as done to up her happiness quotient.

And, anyone who wants a beginning of year strategy session with one of our breakthrough coaches please let me know.

Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

The core issues gutsy girls face

Sylvia Lafair
December 5, 2018

I want to address a topic that I feel is very important. Specifically, what issues do gutsy girls (and women) face in today’s world plus the 3 major mistakes females make and how to make changes that are both healthy and positive.

Let me start by sharing a story…

Yesterday my 13-year-old granddaughter asked me if I thought she was too outspoken in her opinions. She was sharing an ‘incident’ that occurred in school when one of her friends was being ‘bullied’ by some of the boys.

The girl had been teased about her long very curly hair and told how ugly she was.

Arielle stepped in and told the boys to stop. She then spoke up, simply asking them how they would feel if someone said they were gruesome looking. She was told to “mind her own business” and with that, she was on a roll.

“How we treat each other affects everyone around, not just the person being attacked. And I am not willing to stand here and pretend what you did was fine and just for fun. You hurt my friend’s feelings and it makes me mad.”

Arielle was strong when telling me about the encounter. However, toward the end, I could hear her voice weaken, and she said to me “Grandmom, you wrote the book GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change. That’s for the adults. What we teens need is our own manual on how to operate in this very toxic world. Was it like this when you grew up? Can you help?”

I heard the call to action and am starting to put a teen book together and will let you know when it’s done after the new year.

Here are my beginning thoughts about the core issues GUTSY GIRLS face in our very toxic world and what to do about it. It’s about the three major mistakes females make, have made for generations, and how to make changes that are healthy and positive.

In many ways, it’s about all females, regardless of age:

NOT Speaking Up: Fear of being rejected if you say what you really mean. The need to be part of the ‘in crowd’ or at least not be talked about, becomes more important than telling the truth. Stuffing feelings, smiling, and being a pleaser are the core patterns here.
NOT Shutting Up: Fear of being ridiculed if you take a strong stand. The need to get louder and louder to make a point and never, ever, back down is more important than thinking about the right timing. Flooding feelings, anger, and being a drama queen are core patterns here.
NOT Owning Up: The fear of being abandoned if you say something was your fault. The need to look smart and capable is more important than asking for help. Deflecting feelings, blaming, and being a victim are core patterns here.

I have helped lots of women transform these outdated patterns to live richer, more fulfilling lives and now its time to take it to today’s teens who are looking for ways to live richer, more fulfilling lives.

If you or the teens in your life have questions or comments that can go into the new book, please get in touch with me. The world is changing and we need to make positive changes that will make a difference.

Thanksgiving Celebration Tradition Family Dinner Concept

Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Patterns

Have a heartwarming and growth-inducing Thanksgiving

Sylvia Lafair
November 20, 2018

I am writing a heartfelt message to hopefully help make your Thanksgiving time as positive and fruitful as possible.

First, here is a quote from retired Supreme Court Justice, Sandra Day O’Conner:

The Family unit plays a critical role in our society

And in the generations to come.

In all the work I have done as a therapist and leadership coach, those words ring true for everyone both at home and at work.

Interestingly, many wish this were not the case, that annoying family members could just be forgotten.

Not possible.

Some of my best advice in “Don’t Bring It To Work” and “GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change” is about how to transform outdated behavior patterns we learned in our original organization the family that we bring into work and all other relationships.

Take the Leadership or GUTSY quiz to see where you are in terms of pattern repetition.

Today, I want to give you two tips that may well lead to a new understanding of those around you.

“TELL ME MORE”: Most of the time we stay at the superficial and safe level of talking with each other. To get underneath the obvious where the gold of truth lies, all you need to do is say “TELL ME MORE” to invite a richer discussion.

In my experience, most people want to heal past rifts and want to love and be loved in return. While this may sound too soft and fuzzy, it’s the opposite. Being open and searching for truth is the true hero and heroine’s journey.

It takes GUTSY women and BOLD men to be open and not defensive.

Your experiment is to simply deepen your discussion with at least one person over the Thanksgiving holiday.

“IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO ME”: Being vulnerable takes strength and determination. Easier to defend, explain and justify, to judge, blame and attack. That is the way most of us were taught to protect ourselves as kids and yes, we bring this with us into adulthood.

The words “It would mean a lot to me” are very carefully chosen. Saying what you ‘want’ or ‘need’ often creates a push back. It sounds like you are weak or demanding.

Simply telling someone what would really matter to you without putting a burden on them to fulfill a want or need is more honest and also more possible.

It would mean a lot to me to hear from those of you who use these two communication tools during the holiday season.

Also, it would mean a lot to me if you would take a minute and vote for me as a global guru for the 4th year in a row.

Thanks for all the support and comments over this past year.

Have a heartwarming and growth-inducing Thanksgiving.

Warmly,

Sylvia

Business, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

What Does Equality Look Like?

Sylvia Lafair
November 13, 2018

What does EQUALITY look like? And what I am talking about here is FULL equality?

That was one of the main questions I was asked at the Indianapolis Conference for Women where I presented last week.

I was pushing for women to embrace the concept of FULL EQUALITY in my presentation “GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change.”

I have received so many emails thanking me for “the formula” that I decided to share it here, with all of you.

First, let’s take a journey back to the long-ago past where men were hunters (the daring ones) and women were gatherers (the caring ones).

Or brains still react as if we were still back in that day. I will explain in a moment.

In tribal times men went out with spears or a bow and arrows to make sure they could track and kill the deer or buffalo that would be dinner for many nights. They were trained from childhood to be uni-focused, speak less, and go out alone.

Women, on the other hand, were multi-trackers. They would watch the kids, keep the tent clean, go out to get the herbs and berries to make the food tasty.

Research shows that male brains utilize nearly seven times more gray matter for activity while female brains utilize nearly ten times more white matter. And therein lie some of the issues we are grappling with today.

Gray matter represents information processing centers in the brain, and white matter represents the network of connections between these processing centers. Men often do best with focused tasks while women excel at integrating and assimilating information.

Human evolution has created two different types of brains designed for equally intelligent behavior. However, what was needed long ago is not what is needed now. The roles of men and women are changing rapidly and who knows, maybe the brain will change how it looks in years to come.

The new formula:

Daring + Caring = Sharing

As women become more daring it gives men the chance to become more caring. And the good news is that this leads to a more powerful way of sharing. It leads to FULL EQUALITY.

For all of us to thrive and become the best we can be it is time to step out of all the recent negativity and really understand that each one of us has a part to play in creating a good balance between the sexes.

I applaud all the daring women and caring men who are figuring out how this formula can be part of today’s life, at home and at work.

If you have a story about the new balance in your relationship, I’d love to hear about it. With your permission, it could be in the new book I am working on about, guess what…. FULL EQUALITY.

Best,

Sylvia

Communication, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Why some words have high emotional power

Kristen Poborsky
October 30, 2018

Did you ever wonder why some words have high emotional power while others just slide off people’s lips without a second thought?

The old saying, “Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you” is 100% not true.

Let me explain.

While recently preparing my presentation for the Indiana Women’s Conference, I found an old notebook about communication that had me smiling and scratching my head.

Words, even short ones, like ‘No’ and ‘Yes’ can create conflict or heal a rift in a matter of minutes.

Let me invite you to go with me back to an experiment in graduate school about the power of words.

The project was to discover if just one word can make a difference in how you react to a situation. Not even sentences, just short, simple words. My lab partner made a list of words for me and I did so for him. We knew each other well enough to put some trigger words in the mix.

Full disclosure: we were ‘sorta dating’ in a flirty way and he did put some words on the list meant to get my attention. And, I must admit, vice versa.

The experiment: We sat in separate small darkened rooms, and heard words told to us over a microphone in a neutral, non-invasive manner. We were hooked up to a small GSR (Galvanic skin response) machine that recorded changes. Kinda like a polygraph machine. No buttons to push. The list went like this: table… scarf…butter….no…. Daffodil…..road…. movie…. dating… yes…. And on and on.

We were asked to observe the pattern that developed from the string of words.

Some words were clearly about the situation at hand… for me words like dating, love, marriage certainly were trigger words with my ‘sorta dating’ lab partner sitting in the next room.

However, one of the words that was a real eye opener for me was a simple one we use and hear every day, more than once.

Every time a ‘Yes’ was said I stayed neutral. It was the word ‘No’ that put me at the top of the meter.

At the time I could not figure out why it was causing so much bodily tension. I was a strong- willed individual (or so I thought) and ‘No’ was easy for me to say.

Over the years, as I continued to study the power of words, my webinar “Communicate to Captivate” helped me see clearly why ‘No’ was a bell ringer in my nervous system.

I had always identified one of the behavior patterns I learned as a kid as “the rebel.” I did not like to be told what to do and did not like to take ‘No’ for an answer. Makes sense so far. However, life is not always as it seems at first blush.

The rebel was really a cover for a deeper behavior pattern. The pleaser. Huh, what? I was NOT a pleaser, thank you. And yet, as I got through the first layer of thinking to what was underneath my automatic response to the word ‘No’ I realized that I had been programmed from day one to be a pleaser.

I was trained to be polite and ee-gads, proper.

As all children do, I learned by imitating. I watched my mother, aunts, female neighbors, teachers. I learned that to be accepted it was important to not make waves and while ‘Yes’ was appropriate ‘No’ was censored.

The rebel in me was always fighting with the pleaser. And then I got it!

It was fine to be a rebel in a philosophical sense, discuss what could be debated in a classroom setting. Yet, when it came to making people happy, doing what was expected of me, the pleaser had the upper hand.

If it meant stuffing my own feelings, so be it. The mantra was “be good, be kind, behave.”

I realized that the word ‘No’ had entered my nervous system at an early age as a danger word. A word to use very carefully because it could have grave consequences, especially around being accepted.

In my leadership programs I always remind people that “No is a complete sentence.” Everyone laughs and makes sure to write down this nugget of wisdom.

I also teach that the pleaser transformed becomes a truth teller. It is healthy and appropriate to say No and not back down. And yet, I wonder if I took the GSR test today would ‘No’ still be at the top of the chart as emotionally charged.

A moment to think about why words have high emotional power…What do you think your trigger words are? And even better, why do you think these words would cause emotional heat?

Send me your answers to sylvia@ceoptions.com and I would love to send you a copy of the 13 most common behavior patterns we learn in childhood and their positive transformation.

Business, Communication, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

How good are you are telling the truth?

Sylvia Lafair
October 23, 2018

How good are you are telling the truth? Think about it for a minute. Where do you hold back to be polite? Or when do you shrug and say “Whatever” rather than let your underlying feelings out?

Telling truth to power is not for wimps. It takes great courage to stay strong and speak out.

What do you do when it’s time, to tell the truth in a situation when emotions run high? Look, it’s easy to go online and fact check just about anything. And all excellent leadership development programs focus on making sure you have the facts straight when you do a presentation or go in for your performance review.

When emotions run high, that’s where the stakes are even higher when telling the truth may be difficult and can even cost you a job or a relationship.

Please hear me:

Telling the truth is not spilling your guts!

It takes discipline to say what you mean without defending, blaming or justifying. This is the way of the most powerful and respected leaders today.

Here are some things to remember as you gain the courage, to tell the truth effectively.

Observe: Socialization is one reason most of us shy away from being totally honest. At home and in school you were taught to be polite and proper or you would get in trouble, sent to your room or to the principal’s office.
Understand: Some people annoy you more than others and you need to find out what pushes your buttons. The route to eternal truth-telling begins with searching for internal truth. You need to check out the defensive patterns that developed as a means of self -protection.
Transform: Learn to ask before you talk, listen before you respond. Take the high road rather than attack. This takes discipline and an ability to look at the interactions rather than just your point of view.

Here is an example of appropriate truth-telling that happened when we were consulting with a sales team. This was a particularly tense meeting where the leader was ready to bring her internal learning about herself to the test of external validation.

The group was at a stalemate on how to improve sales. The air in the room was heavy. The lack luster performance had led to constant bickering and blaming. The VP of Sales simply said “Stop” and all eyes focused on their boss. Joyce’s voice sounded tense as she began to talk. Her sentences were short as she pulled them from the internal truths she now wanted to express.

“As I checked from every angle to analyze why sales are stale I automatically blamed you, my leadership team. That is an old pattern of mine, to blame others when things go wrong. Then, based on the coaching I have been receiving, I had to zero in closer to home, to address what made me so uncomfortable. I realized I was taking on too many high-profile projects that kept me from what was really important, guiding and supporting you. I have begun the process of making adjustments, so I can devote more time to what you want and need from me. I’m ready to hear from you now.”

Truth is riveting. It was quiet in the room, until someone said, “Thank you.” When the team reconvened after a much-needed break, the renewed energy was palpable. Ideas were smarter, collaboration freer, action plans faster.

To sum up: We all yearn for relationships that exhibit truth. That is the foundation of trust. Whether we are ready and willing to externalize our truths, we still would rather be in the atmosphere that makes it possible to speak out in an honest way. The best leadership development is to learn to take our internal truths and find the most appropriate way to be open and honest, as Joyce was able to do with her team.

I hope this gives you the courage to explore your own path to truth.

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