Summary: Telling and expecting is as old as the planet. However, what used to work was that the old command and control model had its time. Read on to find out what you can do to get results in today’s world.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
Here is what happened a few days ago. I would love to hear your comments.
The door to the conference room was wide open, and then the sound of a fist landed on a table. My boss Stan said to me, “You will do it by Friday, or there will be consequences.”
Stan didn’t realize that his direct report, that would be me, sat quietly, already dialing up a recruiter in my mind.
And Stan was caught off guard when the same direct report, yup,me, handed the report in by Friday.
I also handed in my resignation one week later.
I am relieved and still angry at the way I was treated.
What can we do to change relationships to a more respectful and positive way?
Thanks for your insights.
Signed,
Not Sorry
The old way of treating employees like servants, surfs, or second class citizens has run its course.
Dear Not Sorry,
The old way of treating employees like servants, surfs, or second class citizens has run its course.
That model of telling and expecting has worked well in the past, but it won’t work anymore. The world has changed, and those who don’t change with it, can expect a short list of those who stay around to work with you.
Look over this list of the old ways, four methods embedded in our nervous systems since we were kids. Then, pay attention to the only way with a long-term advantage that will keep you from becoming a dinosaur, like many leaders from the past.
There are ingrained, outdated ways to treat people at work
First, the ways to avoid getting people to follow you:
- Forcing: formal authority without regard for the concerns of others (remember Stan from a minute ago)?
- Accommodating: allowing the other person to satisfy their concerns while neglecting your own (The polar opposite, being a pleaser, and just as deadly).
- Avoiding: not paying attention to what is happening and removing yourself from the situation so you don’t have to take any action.
- Compromising: attempting to resolve a situation by choosing a solution that leaves both parties feeling discounted and disappointed. This is false compromising, it is a form of denial of what really matters.
The only way to make relationships at work viable is by collaborating. This is more complex, yet it is the only way to build creative and trusting relationships.
Collaborating means using active listening, honest questions and al willingness for both sides to win.
The model of Give and Get is more successful than “my way or the highway.”
Co-operation with another, no matter how frustrating, means staying with it even when you want to tear your hair out (or theirs). It is a give and get. You listen to them and ask questions while still standing your ground to express your concerns.
Is this foolproof?
Nah! However, if you learn to stay in the middle, where it gets hot and steamy, and not run, you will find mutually satisfactory win-win solutions.
You have a choice. The old way will work short-term and then fall apart. Learning to stay in the uncomfortable zone and guiding others to stay with you yields better long-term results.
We are at a pivot point to help all leaders and direct reports talk in a more open, honest way. Yes, I know, our world would be better for it..
To your success
Sylvia Lafair
PS. Want to limit stress when you are in the middle of difficult conversations? Read “Invisible Stress: It’s NOT What YOU Think” to learn about your trigger points and how to stay strong in any discussion.
