Avoid falling into the same rabbit holes of doubt
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
Why, oh why is it so hard to change destructive patterns?
From my time in the Total Leadership Connections program, I know that I can fall into the same rabbit hole again and again.
For me, It’s the Persecutor/Bully Role. When I am upset, I use JUBLA as a defense mechanism.
That’s right, I promise to myself not to Judge, Blame, or Attack, and then, ug, I do it again.
I am better than I was thanks to learning to Observe, Understand and Transform what is outdated.
However, I still need some easy reminders to pull myself out of the dark and back into the light of positivity.
Some easy help aids, please.
Signed,
The Smart One
Dear Smart One,
When you become stressed, the obvious response is to retreat, play it safe, complain, go into lockdown, engage in destructive behavior patterns or think about moving to Canada or the Greek Islands. These destructive behavior patterns can all have a negative impact on your career development.
We all have preferred ways of responding to criticism, impossible deadlines, gossip, and exclusion.
I have defined the thirteen most common destructive patterns. Think about it for a moment. Does sulking, avoiding, attacking, or judging get you anywhere?
You can become a Persecutor/Bully or, like me, a Drama Queen.
Now, it’s time to learn the three most effective ways to transform these destructive behavior patterns into what I call the healthy opposite.
Old, patterned ways of responding are lodged in your nervous system.
These destructive behavior patterns are as old as you. The patterns of repetition developed when you were an infant, toddler, or ready for preschool.
By the time you were in your teens these behaviors were deeply entrenched.
Consider if you and you have a “nickname” for your behavior, such as “the feisty one or the quiet one or the funny one.”
For example, I was the youngest and the girl my parents wanted. Thus, while I actually looked average, I was “the cute one.”
Were you proud of the label you were given? Did it set you apart as special? Were you “the big shot” or “the jerk?” This stuff sticks, and it’s hard to get rid of even when it should be put on the outdated shelf.
One of the most important and hardest things to do when you leave the teen years behind is reinventing yourself and overseeing how you want to be known in your work setting—not just at work but everywhere.
Most of us keep going without pushing the reinvent button.
Want to run a great race and have a fulfilling life?
Then, “Just Do it.” Reinvent so you are in charge, not the destructive patterns.
It is time to reconnect the dots and rewire your responses
Here are 3 ways to start the process of redesigning. They take determination and persistence. The results are better relationships with more acknowledgment.
So whether it’s a new marketing director who drives you nuts or a big customer who has gone elsewhere, leaving you high and dry, your leadership development must include tackling pattern repetition.
First, Shut up! That’s right before you open your mouth to respond; literally zip it. And then ask yourself this most vital question: What do I want as an outcome of my next sentence?
Second, Listen up! Take the time to access where you are and look at a new way of responding by listening to your inner voice. No, not the one that says the same thing over and over. Go deeper and keep listening for a more effective outcome than getting even or getting out.
Third, Open up! Now, you start with a question. Yes, a question. Not your clever ideas or angry announcements. The best question to another is: How can I help, or what do you think we need to do now?
Change at a core level takes persistence.
Change is not an overnight thing. We have become addicted to fast, faster, and fastest.
You won’t break the old destructive behaviors overnight. Research shows that behavior change takes more time than we would like. So what. Do it anyway.
A study by Philippa Lally, a health psychology researcher at University College London, suggests that for a habit to change and not bounce back to old ways instantly, it takes anywhere from two months to eight months to build a new behavior in one’s life.
Now you know.
Instant magic is for Harry Potter books. Real magic for change means practice, practice, practice.
In conclusion, up your game and sign up to be the best of the class. Take the time to look at why you constantly either challenge others or back away. Take the quiz to find your specific patterns. Commit to shut up, listen up, and open up. It’s as easy as one, two, three.
Persist, and you will win. Guaranteed.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair, PhD
