Category: Patterns

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Business Leadership Leadership Strategies Leadership Styles Managing Stress Patterns Stress

What to do when you feel like you have no more bandwidth

when you have no more bandwidth

What do you keep telling yourself when you have no more bandwidth to do one more thing? 

If you are a high achieving business person, I bet you just said to yourself, “I can always do just one more thing today.” 

That’s exactly what my senior VP client told me two weeks ago. 

And yesterday I got a call from his office that he wanted to talk, that he was feeling somewhat better from the raging headache, high fever, and chills that Covid19 had blessed him with. 

He called me later in the day and said “Sylvia, I really am a jerk. I thought I was invincible. Yes, I feel better now but I know the fever will get me again and I just wanted to tell you that you are right. And thanks.” 

Before I could ask him what I am so right about he said he had to go (he meant that literally) and rushed to the bathroom.  

Today he called again and had more time to put his thoughts together. 

He asked me to write my weekly blog about what he las learned in the very long and unpleasant past few weeks. 

 “I want everyone to know that they better prioritize what really matters before crazy COVID does it for them. I was such a high achieving guy that I would listen to people who talked about work-life balance as if they were all wimps. Male and female, they were the ones who would never be the top leaders. 

I, on the other hand, was always there saying things like ‘As soon as….’  

Our bottom line is better. 

There are a few more experts on my team.     

Our technology issues are handled. 

 I can delegate to the newbies.

I come up with some new products.

Here is what I learned. So sad, I had to learn it the hard way. I know you have been encouraging me to look for a better balance. And, I must admit, I figured you were just giving me your ‘be kind, be nice’ woman talk. 

I saw myself as fierce, kinda the ‘large and in charge’ type of guy. It’s all bullshit!  

This pandemic takes out whoever gets in its path.  

Unless you, that means everyone who reads this, learn to prioritize, stop barreling though because you can, ignoring the pain, both physical and emotional, from having to be a super-achiever, not stopping to say “What the hell am I doing and even better, why am I running on empty?” you may never get a second chance. 

I’m lucky. Like Chris Cuomo on CNN. I’m getting better and am able to get great care from my wife. I only hope that she and my three kids stay well. 

I am now willing to do whatever it takes to have a life that is more about sharing and caring than about being the first up the hill. 

I want some pointers on what I can do to be a more effective human being, not just a more effective leader. 

Tell everyone that life includes work yet it is not just about that slippery word, success unless you have it in all areas of your life.” 

And there you have it.  

We are all being given the opportunity to look inside ourselves and make some vital decisions.  

When you feel like you have no more bandwidth, I suggest that you take a break so you won’t break down or burn out.

Hopefully, the virus will pass you by. Or at least, you will have the stamina to fight it off. 

Live a life that is satisfying and fulfilling. Now, that is a great definition of success. 

Categories
Managing Stress Patterns Stress Success

Are You Drowning in Stress?

are you drowning in stress

“HELP! I’m drowning in stress.”

Those are the words that are becoming a universal theme these days.

“I hear you. I want to support you.” Is my response.

I have some good ideas on how to navigate these days of confusion and
complexity.

I wish I had a magic wand and could do a few quick wand waves and make
everything better.

Since I’m not a fairy godmother, here’s what I can do.

I can give you some tools to help you understand why you keep getting
overwhelmed, why you feel anxious when change is in the air, and why you
feel disheartened even on the most beautiful, sunny days.

Want to blame all of your tense behavior on today’s stressful situations?

Maybe you can blame some of your crappy mood on what is happening
today. But, not all of it.

Please listen to the words you use to express your upset.

Here’s what happened recently to Marcy, a senior executive known for her
amazing insights and quick wit.

Last week she was left out of the loop on a project. Was it intentional or
was it just an oversight?

Her trusted colleague, her boss, someone she loved to work with had put
the finishing touches on the proposal without asking Marcy’s permission or
her approval.

Here is what Marcy said to me several days ago:

“It was an old, familiar feeling, being discounted. By the time I called to talk
with my boss I was almost out of control. As I spewed forth my rage I really
listened to my words. As you say, Sylvia, I got at the observation of myself.

I told her over and over that she had crossed boundaries that were
inappropriate and simply not okay with me.

How dare she not consider me and my feelings?

And then I went limp.

I heard what I was saying. I felt the way I used to feel after my parents,
both of them would discipline me by beating the crap out of me if I ever
spoke up for me.

I finally calmed down and to my embarrassment found out that she has
sent the proposal back to me to complete. I had not received it yet.

At least I became aware of why I was so damned upset pretty quickly so I
could do damage control.”

Marcy’s memories had taken over and with her emotions leading the way,
she could not sit quietly. The past had invaded the present.

They showed up when an old wound from years ago got touched. This is
happening more and more these days as we all reach the limits of handling
stress both from work, at home and in the world at large.

I have put together a program so you can find more effective ways to
handle stress and not let the triggers from the past take over your behavior
today.

It’s about finding the zone between shouting out upset and stuffing it down.

I call it the safe stress zone.

Join me in a master class to find out about what causes you to fly off the
handle like Marcy did or run and hide like so many others do.

Stress won’t go away and neither will the old memories that cause the
stings of hurt and anxiety.

However, you can learn better ways to navigate the rocky road of these
difficult days.

Watch the master class here and learn how you can stay in the safe stress zone.

Categories
Business and Life Patterns Managing Stress Patterns Stress Success

How to declutter your mind and get it organized

how to declutter your mind

Did you declutter your home during the past few months? Is that all you need to declutter? Here’s what one of my clients said that had me laughing and cheering him on. Two levels to declutter…. Your home and your mind! 

“Dear Dr. Sylvia, 

I have always been a leader, and I have been known as “the boss who is not bossy.” 

I guess that’s good.  

I always like to include others in decision making. 

However, being at home with my wife and two teens has been anything but pleasurable. 

Their grumpy manner finally got to me and I created a family project. I was/am in charge. 

My wife took a back seat and simply watched as I maneuvered this project like I was at work, where people really listen to me. 

The project was to declutter the house. 

I know that wonderful Japanese author, Marie Kondo wrote “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” and talks about the virtue of a decluttered home. 

However, she really doesn’t talk about how to harness the power of a girl who is 14 and a boy who is 17 who hate being on the same team and annoy each other to their limits. 

I apologized to my wife who has put up with more of their GOTCHA Games than I do. I told her I should have been more involved sooner. 

But, I digress….. 

What I learned as we cleaned out the cabinets, got piles together to take to Goodwill, was the following, and it’s what you have been teaching for years and years. 

 Here goes…..  

The clutter in your mind is as important to get rid of as the clutter in your home. 

I now see that all the work I have done with your organization about behavior patterns and pattern repetition is really to declutter your mind. 

I had a really amazing talk with my kids about this as we cleaned the closets and made the space in the house feel calm and expansive. 

We talked about why they are such jerks to each other and how that patterns of GOTCHA could become so ingrained they would take them to work and there, it could mean lost opportunities for promotion or creative collaboration. 

Honestly, to my surprise, they listened. 

They asked questions, they wanted to learn. 

So, please can you send a copy of your e-book GOTCHA to me (signed would matter) so I can go over it with my teens. 

And just FYI, my wife was able to leave us to our education and get some of her work for her high– powered leadership job done without begging for peace and quiet. 

My new theory is to do both: 

                             Declutter your home and get it organized 

                             Declutter your mind and get it organized. 

Thanks in advance for the book, and thanks for all the great info about these dang patterns that we need to purge and transform. 

Best wishes, 

The NOT Bossy Boss 

Categories
Coaching Leadership Strategies Patterns

How to STOP Being a Pleaser

stop being a pleaser

Hi everyone, Silvia Lafair here and I’m calling all pleasers. I’ve got some new research. I did and a half for me. So, pay attention, very interesting. I have a big question for anybody who’s a pleaser, lives with a pleaser, knows a pleaser. You can ask them or answer it yourself. Big question, do you say ‘YES’ because you care or do you say ‘YES’ because you want to be accepted. Big difference in those two yeses, and you know I have found that until you really understand the why of your ‘YES,’ you’re never gonna be able to say ‘NO’ in a strong way. It’s interesting ‘cuz for years, I’ve been teaching.

Remember, ‘NO’ is a complete sentence and people laugh. They think that’s really great and all the leaders love it and the emerging leaders get it, but it’s really not enough. So, what I say is, remember ‘NO’ is a complete sentence, and you don’t have to defend, explain or justify. You just have to say it and yet I have found so many people, really it sticks in their throat. They can’t get it out and their ‘NO’ comes out more like a question than an exclamation point. They’re going nooo.., I know I really can’t do it, but you, when you hear that most people know they can maneuver and figure a way to get the pleaser to do what they want.

So, again the question, “Do you say ‘YES’ because you care or do you say ‘YES’ because you want to be accepted, and I believe many pleasers are in the one of the accepted realm. Not good or bad. You just have to understand it, and do something about it.

So, here’s the thing. As I was working on this new program I’m putting together, called ‘Stress Busters,’ I really figured out something that I don’t know why it took me so long, but I figured it out, and that’s that, a lot of pleasers can’t say ‘NO’ because they think it’s impolite, because they think it’s harsh and it’s rude and the truth is, it can be. So, I’ve created what I’m calling that, ‘Not for Me Method.’ This is an interim method. It’s like strength training you have to practice till you can lift the heavy weights, where you have to practice till you can finally say the real ‘NO’ and mean it and people will listen.

So, here’s what you do, this is the ‘Not for Me Method’ right? Okay. So, if somebody says, ‘Will you take on a new project?’ And you want to say ‘NO,’but you think that’s impolite or I’m giving you another direct report and you want to say, ‘No, can’t handle any more’ or there’s another meeting and you’re going to say, ‘No, I have too much’ or ‘Are you making dinner tonight?’ You want to say ‘No, you have two hands to go make dinner or we have to do this for the kids,’ and you’re saying, ‘No, not right now.’ Anyway, this is the interim. Okay, take a pause. Take a breath when somebody says something ‘NO.’

Here’s the polite way. We want to be polite. So, the first thing when somebody says something is, you say, ‘Thanks or thank you.’ That’s polite right? We don’t teach people to say thank you. So, you’re going to say, ‘Thank you,’ and then you’re going to say, here’s the sentence: ‘This is just not the right time for me. Thank you, this is just not the right time for me,’ or ‘Thanks, that doesn’t work for me now and practice it.’ I promise you you’re going to be able to say it with more conviction than just saying the ‘NO,’ just saying a plain ‘NO,’ and once you do that, it frees something up. You please is because pleasers in my model, transform into truth-tellers. More about that in the ‘Stress Busters’ stuff.

So, you’re gonna let go of those horrible feelings of guilt and overwhelm and obligation. You’re just gonna say, ‘Thank you, that won’t work for me right now.’ It’s better than just that brute ‘No.’ So, that’s what I’m giving you today and if you’d like more information, DM me. If you have questions, put them down at the bottom of this.

Love to hear from you. Love to have communication, going back and forth and pleasers. I promise you, I promise you, I wrote this very powerfully here because I want you to get that. Once you do this, you will have more room, more freedom, more energy for things you love to do. So, give it a shot and have a beautiful day.

Thank you so much.

Categories
Business Business and Life Patterns Growth Patterns Success

How to Deal with a Narcissist

narcissist

I’ve been getting lots of questions about how to deal with the narcissist lately. I began to wonder if this personality type is more prevalent, or at least more obvious during times of extra stress. 

So, I did a deep dive into various publications and paid special attention to the news.  

Yes, there are lots of Narcissists in the news. 

I have a few that stand out for me. 

How about you? I’d love to compare notes. 

Then I started to think about where narcissism starts. It led me right back to my book where I sort through the behavior patterns and personality traits that are part of our developmental years. 

The patterns I discuss in ‘Don’t Bring It to Work” are the ones that we learned as kids from our original organization, the family, and bring with us to work.  

They get in the way of connection, communication, and collaboration at work (and at home, I might add).  

The pattern I discuss in detail that comes closest to the narcissist is the Super Achiever. That is the individual I call the “me, me, me guy or gal.” 

Super Achievers and Narcissists are very much alike.  

They boast about how good they are.  

They are not team players.  

They steal ideas from others and claim them for their own.  

They talk a great game.  

They show off and claim they have special talents yet, without much substance. 

They are self-obsessed. 

They damage others without thought of consequences. 

They cut off people rather than work through issues.  

They love high-end material things and shiny objects that cost lots of money. 

They ghost people who no longer matter in their quest for greatness. 

They claim to care about you, and about making the world a better place. 

And, truth be told, they really never care about you unless you can do something for them. 

Super achievers and narcissists don’t want to change. Often, they are not even aware of how self-indulgent they are.  

They want you to cater to them, bow to them and listen to them. They KNOW better about what really matters.  

Got the idea 

Now for the downside. (Yes, there is more). 

The super achiever and the narcissist also have a great deal of victim psychology underneath the bravado. They play the victim card when they feel they are being disrespected or discarded.  

You hear “No one ever asks if I’m okay and I do so much for so many.” 

Just notice when someone you know who thinks they are King or Queen of the Hill decides you or whoever has discounted them. 

You get fired if you have the unholy privilege of working for them. 

You are talked about in negative ways. 

You are thrown out of their very tight-knit tribe. 

You will be the target of their revenge. 

Do you get the drift? 

Now, what to do if you are in a relationship with, work with, or just happen to be around one of these destructive types of people. 

Here’s what I suggest you do. 

STOP!. 

Just stop playing into their narrative or it will cost you emotionally and/or fiscally. 

They may write a book and you will be slimed. They will not support you and you may end up jobless. They will make sure you are considered untrustworthy and unwanted by their ‘in-crowd.’ 

Enough! You get it. 

Be careful. 

I had a super achieving narcissist do some marketing for me years ago. It cost a ton of wasted money till I woke up.  

It was expensive hogwash.   

And yet, I learned a great deal about my own weakness for being ‘romanced’ and told how great my work is and what he could do to help me. 

I had to address how and why I got entrapped by this narcissist. 

Did I change my relationship with Mr. Narcissist? 

No. 

However, from that awful, expensive encounter I learned some uncomfortable truths about myself. 

Just sayin! 

There is good news, however,  

Patterns can be transformed into their healthy opposite with some inner work about how they developed in the first place. The super achiever/narcissist can become a powerful creative collaborator who is respected and really does make a difference. 

Want to know the top 13 top patterns at work and their positive transformations? 

I’ve got a fascinating video series that explains each one and you’ll get clarity about what might be holding you back!

>>CLICK HERE TO START WATCHING<<

Categories
Communication Conflict Resolutions Managing Stress Patterns

Stress & Mixed Messages: How to Stop the Maddening Communication from Messages that Are Inconsistent and Unclear

maddening communication

Hi everybody! Sylvia Lafair here.

Today, I’d like to talk about stress and mixed messages. When stress gets high, mixed messages get even higher, and I was thinking about when I was raising my daughters, and you know, I did mix messages. I’m sure most of you can relate to this one. I’d say, ‘Go to your room and stay there for the rest of the day,” just ready to tear my hair out. Anyway, about an hour later, I’m yelling up, ‘Come down here! Dinner’s ready!’

So, what do you do with that? You come down and eat, but these mixed messages jungle and jangle and make us always feeling a little crazed, and in the past week, I’ve been getting a lot of calls from clients, and here are a few of what they’ve been saying: one said, “I handed in a proposal that we’re getting ready for the future, and I handed in a proposal and my boss said, ‘Your writing is wonderful,’ and then I got the proposal back to put in its final form. It was trashed and slashed and filled with red marks and changes.” So, what’s the message I was getting? Anyway, that’s one.

Another one said, ‘we’re getting ready to hire some new people even if it’s a difficult time, and I was told I was in line, and then I was told we’re recruiting outside.’ So, I don’t know where I stand with any of this and somebody else said, “you know, I’m going to wait to start the meeting because I said I would be a little bit late, and I’ll wait. The boss said, ‘I’ll wait to start the meeting,’ and then of course started it without me there, and I’m not sure how to handle all this.” So, I am giving right now advice to the receiver, the person who’s getting the mixed messages and it’s three simple things. Simple in words but not so simple when you want to do them.

So, it means stop, question, reboot.

Those are the three. Now, the first one is, stop when somebody is giving you mixed messages. All the time you simply have to say stop now. Stop is what we call a pattern interrupt. It’s like throwing ice water. The word stop universally means the same thing everywhere. It means exactly what it says. It means stop and it means what we’re doing isn’t working or you have to wait for something else before you can do what you want to do. What the word stop is a power word. So, please use it. The first thing you do is, say stop, and you say exactly what’s going on.
I’m getting confused. I’m getting puzzled. I’m feeling frozen. These mixed messages I’m getting are not helping. That’s one.

The next is, you ask a question. I call it an accountability question, and the question is, what do you want as an outcome from this conversation? You ask the other person, who’s been giving the mixed messages? and then you wait. You wait, you don’t answer. You don’t give them clues. You simply let them answer, and then you have to reboot, and say, I would appreciate it if we could do this differently, because when I’m getting the meeting is on in the morning, and then half hour later, the meeting is off, and then another 45 minutes later, the meeting is on, and then the meeting is off. It makes me crazy, and I need your help in this. So, you’re also offering something to the other person.

Good communication is really clear. So, that’s from the end of the person who’s receiving the mixed messages. The one who’s giving the mixed messages, you’ve got work to do. A lot of good deep powerful work to do, because what you have to keep in your mind, and I would put this on your computer, on the refrigerator, on your mirror, in your bathroom, and it’s, it says, ‘from here on, I will say what I mean and do what I say.’ That’s called consistency and and we’re looking for that. Say what I mean and do what I say, even if what you’re going to is, look I don’t have an answer for you right now. We’re going through a difficult time and I may have to pivot or change my mind or change the direction, but I will let you know and we will talk about it. So, you give people clues to this. You don’t just keep throwing out the mixed messages, and if I were raising my kids now, I would not go to that place I did, which is, go to your room for the rest of the day.

I remember once saying, ‘go to your room for the rest of the year and I think it was January 3rd. So, obviously my frustration and my stress had hit the the end point to all of us. We need to learn how to handle stress and keep it in what I call, ‘the safe stress zone in that middle zone,’ because then we’re not overreacting with lots of noise or pretending nothing’s wrong or stuffing it and keeping it in.

Now, what I would appreciate is, if you found this helpful, if you would click the like button at the bottom or at least put a response in on how you’re handling stress. That would be wonderful and look for more information about this next week.

Thank you so much. This is to your success. Thank you.

Categories
Patterns Uncategorized

Time to Evict the Mind Monsters

Man facing mind monster
Young businessman staying and negotiate with a monster shadow

What are those whispered words that haunt you even when no one is talking? These words show up at the most annoying times. They’re the ones that live in your head, like uninvited guests you can’t get rid of.

Each of you, yes, you, and you, and you, have certain phrases that are stuck. And no matter what you do, they just won’t go away.

  • Which phrases resonate with you?
  • You really aren’t that smart
  • No one thinks you are good looking
  • You better shut your mouth right now
  • You better make us proud
  • Who do you really think you are
  • You’re not fooling anyone, just zip it and do your job

Do you get depressed, anxious, frustrated, confused when you hear those voices reminding you of your past failures, mistakes, wrong moves? Do these voices in your head fill you with self- doubt? Do they make you feel like an imposter (even if you are heading a prestigious team)? Do you question your leadership skills? Are you filled with stress, staying up at night second guessing yourself?

If none of this applies to you, that’s great. You can stop reading and do something fun. However, for the rest of you, including me, stay tuned.

That poor battered inner child lives in each of us. And no, you don’t have to spend years and years in therapy to make the kid inside dance and sing.

Here is the way OUT:

  • Observe where you get stuck and who drives you to the brink
  • Understand who was the culprit in your past
  • Transform those annoying patterns from the past

Look, the behaviors you used as a defense against being told you were not good enough were there as survival mechanisms. They worked, didn’t they? You know they worked, cause, after all you’re still here.

YET, now those ways of responding are more harmful than helpful. Do you still avoid, deny, procrastinate, please, rebel?

There’s a better way.

Here’s a choice. You can read my award – winning book Don’t Bring It To Work or you can sign up for a career assessment session to help you figure out the next steps. Either way you will get help to tame that voice inside. Look it helped you survive but it won’t help you thrive.

Memories can haunt you if they are not tended to. Live your best life possible by saying “they will stop with me” and start finding a new and better way of responding today and into the future.

To your success,

Sylvia

Categories
Business and Life Patterns Communication Patterns

How Super Achievers Can Listen to Themselves and Others

Are You A Super Achiever

Before super achievers can listen to themselves or others, they need to know how they got to be so exhausting, annoying, and demanding in the first place.  

Here’s how the super-achiever pattern was addressed with a new coaching client, Dan, a Senior VP in a large marketing company that offers leadership development courses for senior executives. 

He said this about himself, which much initial pride, “Hey, I always have to be front and center. I must get my way, or I become vindictive. I love applause and attention. And, just between the two of us, I deserve all the adulation. 

However, I have lots of backstabbers on my team and a few nut cases who want to ‘take me down.’ They say all I do is talk about how great I am and how I make the best decisions and how glad they should be that I have them on my team. 

BIG QUESTION: How did I ever become someone who needs everyone to think I’m great?  

BIGGEST QUESTION: Is there a better way to be, at work and at home? 

My Response: Dan and I were on zoom, and while he initially looked relaxed, the minute he talked about his team and the underlying concerns, he became tense and agitated. 

BIG QUESTION was answered. He admitted, after some focused discussion, that he was programmed to be first in everything since he was a kid. His older brother was a mediocre student who started to ‘mess with drugs’ in middle school and by college, was a full-blown addict.  

The family was financially successful, yet, emotionally bankrupt. Filled with deniers they would never admit there was an addict in the family. They just kept looking the other way, 

And then, Dan began to explore what was really driving his behavior. 

He was a senior in high school; his brother was going into his junior year in college and the bottom dropped out of the family. His brother over-dosed and died the day fall classes were to start. 

Dan saw the pain at home (even though it was denied) and decided he would make up for all the sadness by becoming great, maybe even more than great, he would become the best. 

Dan admitted that the word successful mattered more to him than the word happy. 

He began to see where the determination came from to be best.  

THE BIGGEST QUESTION took time for Dan to grapple with. He is in the process of learning the most appropriate ways to move from super-achiever to creative collaborator. 

Now, he is revamping his life choices so that he doesn’t burn out and become an isolated man whose only friend is his mirror where he can look at himself and talk about what a great job he is doing. 

He is looking at the fact that the attainment of wealth, position, and even fame can be included in his life purpose which now centers around having a team of high performers who also work well together.  

He is on his way to a more complete and healthier life, personally and professionally. He’s crafting more honest sentences so when he talks, he doesn’t sound like an annoying braggart. He now uses ‘we’ and ‘us’ and less of ‘I.” More on the super-achiever can be found in Don’t Bring It To Work .

Take a few moments to watch this short video here to help you better understand the super achiever:

CONCLUSION: If you are, live with, or work with a super achiever, first, know that there is a level of sadness, anger, or embarrassment underneath the glitz and glitter of being on top of the heap. 

You don’t need to know the details, just know that there is some anxiety and upset that leads to the obsession of being best.  

The way to get super-achievers to listen, is first, to acknowledge their abilities. Yes, tell them they are good or even great at what they do. Then ask them how you can support them. The word ‘support’ is key here. They can still be best, at least for now, as you help to design the strategy for collaboration. 

Use the words ‘we’ and ‘us’ over and over. It’s a way of relating that takes time when with a super achiever. It is doable!  

Once super achievers learn to include others, they gain entrance into a more rewarding world of heightened creativity and you can all join each other in that fabulous state described as ‘flow.’ 

To your continued growth, 

Sylvia 

Categories
Goals Growth Gutsy Leadership Leadership Strategies Patterns

Time for New Resolutions

new resolutions

It’s that time for new resolutions. Right? You know, the ones that usually become old in a week and absolutely stale by the end of the month.

“Change,” I hear you say, “change is tough.” And it is.  

EXCEPT

There is one new resolution you can make that will reap tons and tons of rewards.

It’s about practicing change before you must change.

This should be in the curriculum at school starting in middle school. But, it’s not. No one teaches this. Most of us just get into a sticky situation, and change comes at us like a fire snorting dragon.

EXCEPT

Once you practice change by taking a risk, you become more confident, more focused, and yes, the next change gets easier.

Here is the practice part of change:

                            Pick a time to be quiet and plan.

                            Pick something you want to change.

                            Make it something that doesn’t make you freeze in place.

                            Paint the scene, in your mind, of what will happen if you do something differently.

                            Write it down. 

Now you are ready to make new resolutions that stick. Take the risk (come on, it’s just a small risk.) And, you only must do it once, not like losing weight that is an everyday affair.

Here are a few examples of new resolutions from some of my clients:

Tom, the perennial under-achiever, would always talk last in business meetings. He finally made the conscious decision to take just one risk, to speak up first and not hold back. Yes, for someone who always had to make sure he didn’t rock the boat, speaking up first was a challenge. Just this small change boosted his confidence and he soon found himself moving from being an avoider to becoming the initiator of discussions. 

Connie was constantly over-thinking what she could and should say to her boss when the demands were piling up. Her risk was to move from pleaser to truth-teller. She agreed to do this once, just once to see what would happen. Of course, you guessed that when she told her “the Devil Wears Prada” bully boss “No” to a new project and the reasons why their relationship became more relaxed and cooperative. 

Tammy was known as the office rebel. Yet, deep inside she was filled with self-doubt. There was always worry that others would think she was just a pain in the butt troublemaker. So, when she made the decision to take that one risk and call a meeting to look at the company issues about diversity, she was, in her words, “numb with fear.” One risk changed her life. She now has colleagues to collaborate with and, as a group, they are working together for positive change.

Now, it’s your turn to start making your new resolutions. 

What is one risk you are willing to take? Write it down. Talk to a friend about it. Visualize what can happen once you take that deep breath and then even a mini step will move you towards more ease and joy. 

One small risk at a time.

The confidence, energy, focus, motivation, ease and joy you are searching for is right here, right now as you move past the patterns that have kept you stuck especially when making new resolutions.

Categories
Conflict Resolutions Growth Patterns

Letting Go of Behavior Patterns That We Developed During Childhood

Behavior Patterns

Hi everyone!

I hope you’re having a glorious day even though everything seems overwhelmed and rushed, and we can’t move fast enough, and we can’t please everybody but nonetheless we just keep persevering, right? Except, sometimes we feel submissive compliant filled with self-doubt, create self-sabotage.

Those days, everybody does it and what happens is, it gets worse and worse during holidays and celebrations, because we have these mental images about the way things should be, and when the moments of life come in, and we can’t get everything done the way we want.

Well, we do a couple of things: one is, many of us go into the victim mode. It’s my fault, I can’t do it right, it’s not good enough, it’s never good enough.

So, what do we do about all this?

If you feel overwhelmed and have a lot of self-doubt, I have three suggestions for you now.

This is only the beginning, because what happens is, a lot of this started when we were kids, and you couldn’t meet your parents expectations or your teachers expectations or even your friends expectations.

So, you began to say something wrong with me. We don’t put it out there. We say, there’s something wrong with me. So, if you were judged as a kid, it shows up in these moments of overwhelm as a grownup.

What to do about it?

Well, number one is, stop complaining but life is unfair. It’s not meant to be fair. It’s not here to coddle you. It’s here to challenge you, and it’s here to help you grow an experience.

So, if life is unfair and you feel you’re judged, stop complaining and look for solutions. It’s interesting because the victim in the patterns that I work with, becomes the bluer and here’s where I learned about this. In the native cultures when you go before the tribe, the tribunal, if you will and you have a problem and you’re upset about something, they will not listen unless you come in with three, one, two, three solutions. Three different solutions to the problem.

So that’s one of the things you can do now. Stop complaining and look for solutions.

Good idea takes a little time. Sit quietly and do it.

The next thing you need to do, whoops… I have to look at my notes for a minute… is, stop saying it’s all my fault. Sure, some of, it’s your fault. That’s fine. Some of, it’s everybody’s fault, but it’s not all your fault. So, what you need to do is, be accountable for your poet in it. Speak it. Say it. Bring it out. Don’t sit with it. Don’t put the pillow over your head and begin to whine and moan.

Simply acknowledge. Yep, this is the part I played. This is what I’m doing and the third thing, which I’ve said over and over is, please remember to prioritize and in prioritizing, know that this
sentence has helped so many people including me.

Remember, no is a complete sentence. You can say no. You don’t have to defend, explain or justify. You simply say no. I can’t do this right now. No, I have to fill in the blank. I have to go take a bath. I have to go get my hair done. I have to go read a book.
I have to go sit quietly and have a cup of tea whatever it is, but if you follow these three rules and really begin to let them sink in, they will begin to change the patterns and the way your brain processes things, and your mindset will begin to change.

So, have beautiful times at all holidays and all celebrations and remember things do escalate them. So, take a deep breath and find a way to have fun with it and have a beautiful rest of the day.

Thank you so much.

Oh wait a minute. Before I go, one more thing as a gift to yourself for this holiday time, why don’t you consider getting. Don’t bring it to work. I have all the 13 patterns in there that you can look at in detail to see where each one came from. We’re talking about the victim right now, but there’s also the martyr. There’s also the bully, the procrastinator.

They’re all these patterns that we’ve developed, that we need to let go of. So, a gift to yourself or someone else. Don’t bring it to work.

Thank you so much. Happy days.