Which one are you: Overwhelmed, Overworked or Frustrated?

Sylvia Lafair
December 11, 2018

Did you ever wonder if men feel as overwhelmed, overworked, and frustrated as women do, on a daily basis?

I did some digging to find the answers.

I spent time looking at the three areas of what it means to be overwhelmed, overworked, and frustrated.

Here is what I found.

OVERWHELMED

Let’s look at being overwhelmed first: Those of us who are pleasers (and women make up the majority of pleasers) who stay in that place of feeling like there is not one more ounce of energy to do another thing. This can bring tears, anger, depression, and all types of physical symptoms like headaches, heartaches, and hypertension. The list is long.

Look, when you can’t say NO it’s just like any other addiction. It takes over and leaves little room for honest thinking about what you should be doing. You become a puppet to the pattern you developed, that began when you watched and reacted to your parents or caretakers who helped mold your responses.

Saying YES to please others can be very comforting initially. You are liked, you are talked about in flattering terms. You are “the good one.”

However, like any addiction, the stakes keep getting higher as people want more and more from you and you have no more to give. Tough spot to be in.

Full disclosure. I, myself, am a recovering pleaser.

Here’s what I discovered as I began the journey from pleaser to its positive opposite, being a truth teller.

I had to learn that to NOT SPEAK UP is eventually destructive. It takes time and practice to think of yourself first, or at least, not ignore your personal wants and needs.

So, as far as overwhelmed, women win the title.

OVERWORKED

Let’s move to overworked. In our world the typical 9 to 5 job is virtually a myth. Just about everyone works more than 40 hours a week. Many who are in positions of leadership work an 80- hour week.

When stress is high, we all, men and women, tend to finally “blow our tops.” That is when the drama queen and king show up. One way to reduce stress is to yell and make the situation look much worse than it is. For a brief time, the release of spewing out not only the annoyance of a situation, also using colorful language really does help. At least, for the moment.

However, this is a defense mechanism that can only go so far. After the initial explosion, there is always debris that must be cleared away. Sure, it feels good to take a plate and smash it to make a statement. However, then the splattered plate must be cleaned up. And words said in anger with lots of finger pointing also must be cleared up.

In the realm of overworked, where the drama queen or king does NOT SHUT UP, it’s about equal for men and women. Those who can harness this energy can become great storytellers and use the energy in a positive way.

FRUSTRATED

The third area I considered are those who are frustrated and yet, do NOT OWN UP. This looks different for men and women. However, when you don’t own up to what has happened and are unwilling to be accountable the results are equally disastrous.

Women who do not own up to their part in any situation are seen as victims. They tend to bow their heads, say they were never told what to do, or some other lame excuse like that. This is the ‘deer in the headlight’s’ syndrome.

When women see their part in any given situation, they can become explorers who will look for better and new ways to handle what is going on. This is a great energy boost to get up and get going. Frustration melts away as more creative and purposeful ways of handling life’s situations are explored.

Men who do NOT OWN UP, when they are frustrated, become persecutors (aka bullies) and tend to point their index finger at everyone else. It becomes, “he said, she said, they said” with no looking inward at oneself.

If men can finally see their part in any given situation, they become visionaries. They take that finger pointing at others and point it toward the sky, painting a picture of future possibilities.

Thus, when it comes to frustration, women and men handle the situations differently. Yet, I say this one is also a toss-up on who is the more frustrated.

I would love to hear your thoughts about how you and those around you handle being overwhelmed, overworked and frustrated. This becomes even more apparent during this holiday season. So, it’s a great time to begin to observe your behavior and make a commitment to change.

Business and Life Patterns, Patterns

The most valued gift for the holidays…is YOU

Sylvia Lafair
November 27, 2018

In this post, I’m pondering the thought of what is the most valued gift for the holidays?

This is the time of year for both fun and family. Yet, sometimes, the two words don’t really go together.

Wouldn’t it be better if when you sit around the family table you were supported and delighted? And, even better, that you could support and delight those with whom you share a deep common bond?

And equally important did you ever think about the fact that so many of the patterns from how you behave with your relatives are carried from the family table to the meeting table at work.

Think of it this way, there are structural similarities between families and workgroups. Bosses can resemble parents and co-workers can feel like siblings. You get a salary, kinda like an allowance, and there are performance improvement plans that look like those frustrating ‘time outs’ we all experienced as kids.

This is the season for GUTSY women and BOLD men to look at the behaviors that get in the way of success. What better gift for the holidays than having a caring and even carefree holiday time where the most valued gift you can give to others is……YOU.

Here are my thoughts on what is needed along with the fun of giving and getting presents:

It’s your presence.

Yes, your presence. That means showing the very best of who you are and how you relate to those both around the family and the conference table.

Here is my thought for the holidays:

“It’s not about survival of the fittest.

It’s about how we can all survive and be fit”

In this unprecedented time when world stress is so high, I implore you to look for methods to support your biological family and your work family in new ways. In my books, Don’t Bring It To Work and GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change I help you recognize the 13 most common patterns from childhood that show up in all adult relationships. I help you gain skills to diminish conflict (not get rid of it, that’s impossible) just make it manageable and shorten the time of distress.

Answer this. Are you a pleaser, avoider or rescuer?

These examples of learned patterns are painfully annoying and simply don’t work. Once you learn the secrets of relationship systems by observing your outdated survival mechanisms you can harness and transform them. Then you can make optimal decisions and be a positive resource for family, friends, and colleagues at work.

Take the Leadership Quiz or the GUTSY Quiz to see what you need to do differently to upgrade your presence. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, all year round.

And if you buy either book, I’d like to gift you with a copy of the Pattern Aware Success Guide or the GUTSY Success Guide Book.

These books will help you learn to change patterns, one day at a time. It works.

Thanksgiving Celebration Tradition Family Dinner Concept

Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Patterns

Have a heartwarming and growth-inducing Thanksgiving

Sylvia Lafair
November 20, 2018

I am writing a heartfelt message to hopefully help make your Thanksgiving time as positive and fruitful as possible.

First, here is a quote from retired Supreme Court Justice, Sandra Day O’Conner:

The Family unit plays a critical role in our society

And in the generations to come.

In all the work I have done as a therapist and leadership coach, those words ring true for everyone both at home and at work.

Interestingly, many wish this were not the case, that annoying family members could just be forgotten.

Not possible.

Some of my best advice in “Don’t Bring It To Work” and “GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change” is about how to transform outdated behavior patterns we learned in our original organization the family that we bring into work and all other relationships.

Take the Leadership or GUTSY quiz to see where you are in terms of pattern repetition.

Today, I want to give you two tips that may well lead to a new understanding of those around you.

“TELL ME MORE”: Most of the time we stay at the superficial and safe level of talking with each other. To get underneath the obvious where the gold of truth lies, all you need to do is say “TELL ME MORE” to invite a richer discussion.

In my experience, most people want to heal past rifts and want to love and be loved in return. While this may sound too soft and fuzzy, it’s the opposite. Being open and searching for truth is the true hero and heroine’s journey.

It takes GUTSY women and BOLD men to be open and not defensive.

Your experiment is to simply deepen your discussion with at least one person over the Thanksgiving holiday.

“IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO ME”: Being vulnerable takes strength and determination. Easier to defend, explain and justify, to judge, blame and attack. That is the way most of us were taught to protect ourselves as kids and yes, we bring this with us into adulthood.

The words “It would mean a lot to me” are very carefully chosen. Saying what you ‘want’ or ‘need’ often creates a push back. It sounds like you are weak or demanding.

Simply telling someone what would really matter to you without putting a burden on them to fulfill a want or need is more honest and also more possible.

It would mean a lot to me to hear from those of you who use these two communication tools during the holiday season.

Also, it would mean a lot to me if you would take a minute and vote for me as a global guru for the 4th year in a row.

Thanks for all the support and comments over this past year.

Have a heartwarming and growth-inducing Thanksgiving.

Warmly,

Sylvia

Business and Life Patterns, Patterns

What is your Overall Life Satisfaction?

Sylvia Lafair
November 6, 2018

Many of us stop and pause during certain times of the year to think about our how content we are with our lives…or our OLS quotient. It may be at the end of the year, the beginning, or for that matter any time when events make us want to stop and think deeper.

What is an OLS?

It’s your Overall Life Satisfaction quotient. It’s about how content you are with your life right now. Is it all you want it to be? How are you handling stress? How do you make your day more fulfilling, more fun? How are relationships more rewarding?

Here is a simple Overall Life Satisfaction test to see where you are right now.

Rate each of the following on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best; 5 being not bad, could be better; 1 being rather bleak). Do this quickly and don’t over-think it).

Is your life:

Amazing ____

Creative ____

Challenging ____

Blissful _____

Exciting _____

Fulfilling ____

Powerful ____

Add all the scores and then divide by 7

Okay, all done. Now for what you need or don’t need.

What is your overall Life Satisfaction score?

If your score is 8 or above, you are in a super good spot. Go do something else, don’t even bother reading the rest of this blog.

Did you score under 7? Read on….

You are in a pattern rut. You can do with an emotional make-over. Here is an assignment to get you going in a new direction and move into new territory. If you want a more amazing, creative, challenging, blissful, exciting, fulfilling, and powerful life you must engage your brain in a new way.

Some call it “thinking outside of the box,” I call it being “pattern aware.”

You just must do one thing, that’s right, just one thing to begin the process for positive change. Pick from the following list. And remember, all you need to do for a system to change is begin with one small shift into an improved overall Life Satisfaction score.

Take a different route to work (even if it takes longer)
Go to a new restaurant for lunch or dinner (eat something new)
Come to work an hour earlier or later or leave an hour earlier or later (stop to smell the roses)
Talk with a co-worker you don’t like very much (ask questions)
Take a cup of java to your boss and chat for a few minutes (ask questions)
Read a magazine cover to cover that is different from you interests (about cooking if you love motorcycles and about motorcycles, if you love cooking)
Text an old friend to check in (ask questions)

You get the idea. Just do one thing you would not ordinarily do. Add to the above list. These are just ideas for you to consider. Make up your own. Make a list of 25. Do one each day for several weeks and just see what happens.

It’s about looking at your life from a different perspective with new eyes – you might be pleasantly surprised with the opportunities that come your way when you get out of your pattern rut.

And, of course, remember, an amazing life is not one where the sun shines every day. That would cause a drought. Rain, cloudy days, stress, and disappointment are also part of the richness of growth and development.

Here’s another way to continue to do strength training and become the best you can be. Buy a copy of Don’t Bring It To Work, send us the receipt, and we will send you a complimentary copy of the Pattern Aware Success Guide that gives you three months of exercises to help you improve your leadership and have a higher Overall Life Satisfaction score.

Here’s to the best you ever,

Sylvia

Transforming the Splitter into a Peacemaker

Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Patterns

Transforming Splitters into Peacemakers

Sylvia Lafair
February 27, 2018

Identifying and transforming splitters into peacemakers is the topic of this post. As you’ll see in my story, they can be tricky to spot and oftentimes it isn’t until they’ve done their dirty work.

Did you ever get sucked into some juicy gossip and then see it backfire? UG! That’s what happened to me. And while I’m so embarrassed, it’s such a good learning moment.

I had an employee who was always telling me how wonderful I am. She would smile such a sweet smile and say “You are so smart and perceptive. I bet you can always tell when people are lying or being deceptive.”

I would stand up straighter, nod my head in the affirmative, and say with profound modesty “Yup.”

Then Janice would tell me about all the issues with the staff that happened when I was traveling around the country to work with teams and leaders.

Her response was always, “You know how much I care about you. Don’t worry, I’ve got your back.”

Listen, if you ever hear those words from someone, I beg you, be careful.

They sound soothing. Yet, real BS.

Finally, a staff member and I were having coffee, just taking a peaceful break and she said, “I hear you and Janice are at odds with each other.”

I guess at times of surprise I’m not so eloquent. I looked at Lois and merely went, “Huh?”

Then I got an earful about everything I ever did that was not perfect, actually everything I ever did that was, well, merely human.

And suddenly, it hit me. I had been lulled into dreamland by a splitter.

In my defense, I always teach that the splitter is the hardest pattern to observe and the hardest pattern to transform.

Here’s why: Splitters are especially insidious because they are so hard to spot. They’re always so congenial and helpful (at least to your face). They always want to protect you and be there when needed.

Transforming splitters into peacemakers, is it possible?

Watch this short video and see what I have to say.

OKAY, you’re wondering what did I do?

I had to call several on my leadership team and ask the pointed questions that were hard to ask and listen to answers that made me sad and uncomfortable.

I had missed the mark by a mile.

Truth telling is freeing. Just remember, sometimes you must dig for the truth. It’s worth it. The thick veil of pollution I had been feeling lately began to lift.

Next, was my discussion with Janice. It didn’t go very well. She claimed I was tormenting her with my questions and was going to sue saying it was a hostile work environment.

She did quit. I was lucky. Her husband was going to be transferred to another part of the country. Our HR partner spoke with her and in a kind way simply told her it would be best to just leave since there were so many who would come forward to respond to her “splitting ways.”

This is one battle never won. From what I hear she leaves shards of glass wherever she goes. Often splitters grew up in families where they learned very early you had to take sides, and yet neither side had any safety. Thus, you play people off to never get caught being the one to get yelled at.

I still hope.

You see, splitters who do see the light of day can transform to become peacemakers. That is my wish for her. She is talented and could be a great force for good. I just missed the signals.

The denier not wanting to see what's going on

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Leadership Styles, Patterns

How to know if he or she is a denier

Sylvia Lafair
February 20, 2018

I recently received a curious email asking for help. Most of the time I get questions about work and leadership issues. This one is a bit different however it does fit into the patterns I’ve been discussing on the blog here.

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

You know that last week was Valentine’s Day. Well, you know, and I know. I am recently divorced and one of my co-workers (actually, my supervisor) asked me to go to dinner with him. He is also divorced, and I made sure there was nothing behind the screen for me to worry about. All looked good.

So, I said yes.

We were at a posh place in town and there were hearts filled with Belgian chocolate on each table as a gift from the chef. The maître d wished us a happy Valentine’s Day as he seated us. The wait staff all smiled and talked about the perfect weather for Valentine’s Day.

Got the picture.

Then Mr. Very Smart began making some comments about not knowing it was Valentine’s Day and wondering what the fuss was about. Onto other topics. He commented that the very cold weather in the Eastern U.S. proved all those jerks wrong about global warming. He later said he hadn’t seen his ex-wife nor his teen age children for over a year.

I was getting uncomfortable.

His reason was they were fine without him and children don’t really need two parents.

OK, my question, “Does he fit the description of the denier in your pattern model? If yes, is there hope for him? Can he change? He’s drop dead gorgeous and on his way to a big promotion and when he doesn’t sound like a dumb jerk he’s fun and engaging.”

Signed,

No Time to Waste

Let me tackle the pattern first. Yes, to the denier in him. He’s great at blocking out what is going on in the world (i.e. Valentine’s Day when the whole country is painted in roses, chocolate hearts and red balloons) and global warming which is bigger than a winter snow storm and cold temperatures).

Mostly, I worry about how easily he dismissed his children’s need for their dad. Guess if you got deep into a relationship with him he could dismiss you and your needs pretty fast also.

Deniers often grew up where there was so much turmoil they simply pulled the curtain down and turned to noise off for the sake of survival. And never got out of the place of fear and mistrust.

This video will help a bit.

My question is, how many warning signs do you need to stop you from what could be a painful partnership? That is, unless he is willing to do some heavy emotional lifting to change. You see, Dear, No Time to Waste, unless you are willing to live in a fantasy world with Mr. very Smart, you are destined to a world of disappointment.

Perhaps this video will help.

Best,

Sylvia

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Conflict Resolutions, Leadership, Leadership Styles, Patterns

Are you an avoider or initiator at work?

Sylvia Lafair
February 7, 2018

Are you (or someone you know) an avoider? You know…when there is conflict, contention, carrying-on in a nasty way that doesn’t stop, do you ever think “I gotta get outta here?”

We all have that feeling at some time. However, when it happens over and over it’s a powerful behavior pattern…the avoider.

Avoiders often grew up in families where dissension and disagreement never got resolved. In worst case situations, it became violent with physical or verbal abuse, hitting with hands or with words. In other cases (actually, equally as bad) it was the silent treatment with icicles and frozen one word meaningless responses.

Those I coach who wear the avoider jacket tell of hiding from the unpleasantness of the adults by going to a vacant room and closing the door and putting their hands over their ears or getting out of the house just to get some quiet.

Think for a minute about how your family handled conflict.

Was it a continuous blame game?

Was it pushed under the rug?

Wat it resolved by negotiation?

Was it ended by agreeing to disagree?

Was it left hanging in the air?

Was it handled with respect or dissing?

There is a gender issue here also. More often than not, guys want to get the hell away from an angry woman. And women want resolution, or at least want to be heard and acknowledged.

At work avoiders are absolutely aware of contentious issues, they just don’t want to face them. So you will hear “I’ll get back to you,” or “Let me think about it,” or “Let’s let it work itself out.”

Want to know how to talk with an avoider? Watch the video here:

The good news about transformed avoiders is they are amazing at flipping that run-away energy into becoming initiators. They start the dialogue to have difficult conversations and they stay with it to resolution with out judgement, blame or attack. They become the go-to individuals when stuff gets out of hand. They make amazing leaders who are admired and revered.

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Patterns

Transforming the martyr to the integrator

Sylvia Lafair
January 31, 2018

Imagine what it’s like to work from dawn till, no not dusk, till the middle of the night. Imagine if you do this while you have a background program in your head saying “Worry, the catastrophe is about to happen.”

Even when there’s no big deal issue there are those whose first love is to see impending doom.

Welcome to the world of the martyr.

We had a martyr work for our company and she made Debbie Downer look like a first rate happy go lucky fun gal.

Janine was always first in and last out of the office. She ate lunch, if in fact she ever took the time to chow down a sandwich or salad, while working, working, working. And then….. complain about her indigestion…. to everyone.

While she did get a great deal done each day there was a cost. It was listening to her bitch and complain about too much to do and never enough time. Yet, when she was offered help, she refused. “No” she would say with a weary sigh, “It’s something only I can do!”

Martyrs suck the energy from any office. They want to appear as “servant leaders” yet, in reality, they make everything harder and slower.

Martyrs are nervous individuals who have a huge need to be needed. Not just needed, be someone you depend on and cannot, absolutely cannot be without. It’s called job security.

The more you want to get help for them the more they will chew up those who may, just may, be as good as or better at their job.

Here is how you know you have a martyr in your midst. They will bring in homemade cookies. So far, that’s a good offering. However, they will make sure you know they did this at 2am when they couldn’t sleep because they worried about work that had to be done.

Often, the pattern from childhood is one of being discounted or ignored by parents and they spend all their time wanting someone to tell them how great they are….. over and over and over. It’s like a bottomless emotional pit that can never be filled.

If you work with (or live with) a martyr, watch the video below for some ideas on how to help them see the rut they have created.

The good news is that martyrs, once transformed, take all the pent -up energy pleading for recognition and turn it into being a great team leader. They become, ta dah, integrators who know how to divide tasks so everyone participates to help each other. Whew, that sure sounds good, feels good and looks good. A team with a transformed martyr will make miracles happen and have fun at the same time.

And, just so you know, no martyr buttons allowed, only integrator buttons that say “E Pluribus Unum.” You know, “From many, one.”

Ok…. This is a bit of a stretch, however, it really works. The martyr brings together people to work effectively so all are included. Who would you give an integrator button to?

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Patterns

Why being a clown just doesn’t work

Sylvia Lafair
January 23, 2018
Business, Business and life patterns, Leadership, Patterns

What happens at work when meetings get tense?

Does the team leader call for a break? Is there simply a deafening silence for a few minutes and then you just keep plodding on, ignoring the elephant in the room? Or does someone jump in with a joke, hoping to warm the frigid emotions?

Let me share a story that happened a few weeks ago at a meeting that perfectly illustrates the clown pattern at play.

After you read about how the tension was relieved, think about how you would have handled being in charge.

Here’s the scene: Dan, a jovial marketing expert, was known for his wit. He often jumped in when two or three individuals were throwing verbal darts at each other. This particular day, one of the strong and very opinionated women was under attack.

Dan waited till there was a short silence and said “Hey, you guys, this tension reminds me of a story I heard about a woman who killed her husband. Not just killed, she chopped him into pieces. The note in the house entry was that she had had enough. He never listened and for the umptenth time she told him NOT to walk on the newly washed hallway and kitchen floors and, well, he ignored her once too often.

The police arrived at the house and called into headquarters. We’re ready to look for the culprit. Response from headquarters, “What are you waiting for?” Response from police on site “We’re waiting for the floors to dry.”

What do you think was the reaction from the team of ten?

Meet Dan, a perfect example of the clown pattern.

Sometimes humor is the best way to drive a point home. It can communicate ideas that are serious in a lighthearted way. My question to you is, “How was Dan’s timing?”

The answer. The guys on the team laughed. The gals were furious. Instead of moving forward this team had to take a break and meet several days later when tempers cooled. Dan was asked by the VP to please, please not make any more jokes like the one from the other day.

The major work for those who have the clown pattern is to become a humorist.

Watch the video below and find out the best way to give effective feedback to those “Clowns” when they show up

The difference is all in the timing.

In my book “Don’t Bring It To Work” on pages 141-142 you can learn about how Mark Twain became a great model of how to use humor in difficult situations.

Let me know if you have any great jokes that can help lower the tension in meetings.

Stop being a people pleaser - handwriting on a napkin with a cup

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Patterns

How to become an elegant truth teller instead of a people pleaser

Sylvia Lafair
January 16, 2018

Are you worried that too many of your employees are people pleasers who do whatever you say and never speak up or challenge you?

When this happens, stagnation sets in and creativity is nowhere to be found.

Of course, you want your team to all row together and be collaborative. However, if you have a bunch of lemmings – those who blindly follow the crowd – even to catastrophe, as the myth of lemmings goes (they jump off cliffs, well, just because others do), you won’t be able to stay competitive in this fast- paced world.

Pleasers want to fit in and this desire leads them to become intensely self-conscious. One pleaser I know was so proud of a butterfly tattoo she put on her ankle to be “in” with her work team (they were butterfly tattoo addicted because of their logo). However, she said it was painful and would never do it again. That is, until the new trend came to put a different butterfly on the back of her neck.

Yes, she did.

Being “part of the crowd” and saying “yes” to just about everything is the people pleaser way.

Transforming this pattern is what the world needs now. Pleasers become truth tellers. They care about what other people think, yet not at the expense of their own integrity. Truth tellers talk in simple sentences, without lecturing or grandstanding. They don’t change their minds just to pacify someone, although they are willing to adjust their opinions when the facts warrant it.

Take a few minutes to watch this short video where I give tips that will help you quickly identify those people pleasers and help them make the shift.

Truth tellers are not a populous species, yet they pack quite a punch. Oprah Winfrey was recently awarded the Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award at the Golden Globes.

Here is her speech, a model of truth-telling in its most elegant form.

Also, check out my INC.com column about the dilemma of social media and the addiction of teens who are the consummate people pleasers to be part of the biggest trend in the world of our growing youngsters.

We really need to band together to change what can be a bigger and more destructive epidemic than opioids.

As always, your comments and questions are welcome here!

Let me know if you agree with my take on why it’s so important to be a truth teller rather than a people pleaser.

1 2 3 Next

Which one are you: Overwhelmed, Overworked or Frustrated?

The most valued gift for the holidays…is YOU

Have a heartwarming and growth-inducing Thanksgiving

What is your Overall Life Satisfaction?

Transforming Splitters into Peacemakers

Transforming splitters into peacemakers, is it possible?

Watch this short video and see what I have to say.

How to know if he or she is a denier

Are you an avoider or initiator at work?

Want to know how to talk with an avoider? Watch the video here:

Transforming the martyr to the integrator

If you work with (or live with) a martyr, watch the video below for some ideas on how to help them see the rut they have created.

Why being a clown just doesn’t work

How to become an elegant truth teller instead of a people pleaser

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Transforming splitters into peacemakers, is it possible?

Watch this short video and see what I have to say.

Want to know how to talk with an avoider? Watch the video here:

If you work with (or live with) a martyr, watch the video below for some ideas on how to help them see the rut they have created.

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30 minutes can change your life...Schedule Your Complimentary Strategy Session

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