Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Patterns

How the Pattern Breakthrough Process Creates Change

Sylvia Lafair
February 6, 2019

Here at Ceoptions we have been using our signature pattern breakthrough process to create lasting change and help today’s leaders prepare for the inevitable challenges that come their way.

Question: How does a 13- year- old boy scoring points for his basketball team connect with his mother climbing the corporate ladder?

Here’s the story recently told to me by CEO facilitator and coach, Joanne LaMarca Mathisen.

“Our son had joined a basketball team in town that many local boys had been playing on for a couple of years. We noticed our son, who was no shrinking violet when he played with his close friends in our backyard, seemed to be a very passive player on his new team. Instead of shooting the ball, he’d most often pass it to another team member. The more we watched him play from the bleachers, the more we realized the confidence he had competing with his friends in our yard, didn’t translate to the court playing with new boys.”

“Initially, we did the typical parent thing, telling him he was as good as the rest of the team. It fell on deaf ears.”

“But then one night while watching him, it came to me. My son was exhibiting the same behavior patterns I grew up with. These patterns show up in the generations that follow us unless we identify and break them. Then I had an idea based on what I had learned as a leadership coach. I wanted him to see the larger picture about something as subtle and complex as what it means to have confidence. I grew up in a house where my dad was boss and what he said, went. What my sister and I had to say didn’t matter much. It “wasn’t my place” to speak up because in our house my father often joked “children should be seen and not heard.” It was no surprise I let others take charge and now so was my son.

So I sat my son down and told him my story. When I first began my career at NBC, I believed, because I was so new to the company, it “wasn’t my place” to speak up if I thought I had a good idea that would improve our product. I assumed everyone else who’d been with the company longer, knew better. That came from my upbringing. But when I went through my leadership training, I learned it was not only my place to speak up, it was also my job. That’s when I started to steadily rise up the ranks.

I continued to tell him that as I watched him on the court, I saw myself. Someone who was too timid to take charge. After all, the other boys had been on the team for years. And I told him just like it was not only my right to speak up, it was my responsibility, it was his right and responsibility to take charge on the court and shoot the ball. Just because he was the new guy, didn’t mean he had to take a back seat to the rest of the team. He owed it to the team to be the best he could be.

“He was really, really listening. Not the typical teen telling me to hurry with my story. I let him know that once I realized this was a family pattern and that I had the ability to breakthrough and move up the corporate ladder from a place of confidence and that he could do the same.

“That was it. Each generation has the ability to change old, outdated ways of thinking and reacting and he could strengthen his confidence muscles by using them even if it was uncomfortable.

“The next game, he scored 15 points.”

This is when The Pattern Breakthrough Process can assist each of you to have amazing things happen in ways you least expect.

Leadership strategies are not just for the workplace. All relationships need the benefit of learning the way OUT (Observe, Understand Transform) what gets in the way of success. Once you see how the impact of family, culture, and crises shows up in your life you can pass this knowledge to those around you.

If you would like a strategy session with Joanne please contact me at 570 233 1042 or email sylvia@ceoptions.com to get you started.

Communication Rules to Break Old Patterns

Communication, Patterns

Communication rules to help you experiment and break the old patterns

Sylvia Lafair
January 1, 2019

The new year is the perfect time to start looking at breaking old patterns on communication. In this post I cover a few communication rules that will help you to have your best year.

Do you ever pay attention to how we greet each other? Like, ‘how are you’ and the answer is almost always ‘fine.’

What do you say during the first 2 weeks of each new year?

‘Happy New Year’ of course. Did you ever want to stir things up a bit to get new and different responses when you talk to someone? Maybe, just maybe, it’s a good time to experiment and break the old patterns of communication repetition.

Think about this for a moment. What do you want as the result of talking with someone?

If it really is merely to be polite and move on, that’s fine. Then, just a ‘Happy New Year’ with an extra sentence or two could be fun. You can add ‘have a year filled with (you can just pick one of the following: high adventure/grand experiences/deep learning/or whatever you think is appropriate to the specific situation).

I would venture to bet that you will get more than a numb nod. Maybe a smile or two or even some words of appreciation.

I’ve heard it said—- this is important—-that the good will you gain in those first two weeks of the year will predict how the rest of the year will go. Good start, good year. Bad start, well you know the rest.

Here’s one communication rule that you may already know.

This is just a bit of a reminder, so you can be sure to get the appreciation you require for a good year.

Ask questions. Better yet, ask open ended questions. Open ended questions are the ones you cannot answer with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no.’

I would bet that if you start the year by asking questions, you’ll want to continue to ask. It shows you are interested in others, and that you want to hear more than just your own point of view.

And one of my other favorite communication rules is that if you listen without interrupting, you will be appreciated beyond belief.

Another communication rule that will bear fruit is to ask people, during the first weeks of what we all see as filled with possibilities, about their hopes and dreams for the coming year.

Again, you don’t have to add your point of view or feel responsible to give helpful comments. Just listen.

This being said, my hope for all of us, is that we all continue to learn, to blossom, to be kind and helpful, to keep going and keep growing.

And, I’d like to be among the first to acknowledge all of you for the wonderful work you are doing in the world.

man thinking about how to sustain growth

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Leadership Strategies, Patterns, Success

How to sustain growth and become a better version of you

Sylvia Lafair
December 26, 2018

In this article I share my thoughts about how to sustain growth and become a better version of you.

Are you hearing bells yet? There will be a lot of people chanting, ‘Ring out the old and bring in the new. That’s the motto I am starting to hear with only a few days left to embrace this year.

It’s a similar pattern all over the world.

Let’s take a few minutes for a deeper look at what that means: Do we really want to ring out the old? And what is the new we all talk about?

Recently a client told me she was sick of seeing and hearing so many superficial comments about how to make the new year a great one. She said:

“Every year I make the same promises to myself. I promise to be more caring and kind- hearted at home and to be more of a cheerleader to my direct reports at work. And yet, by day 7 of the new year, I can feel myself falling backwards, into the old behaviors that I specifically want to change.

I think of myself as a boomerang. Not good!

What is the magic formula, or if not magic, at least a formula that will keep me on track for more than a few days?

And by the way, did I mention that I also want to lose a few pounds?

My question is: what can I do to sustain growth throughout the year and see really productive changes in 365 days?”

My response: We’ve all been there. Change is annoying, uncomfortable and often fearful. And, I believe, it is human nature to want to do better and be better. It’s in the how, that we slip and fall.

First, you need to get prepared. Louis Pasteur, you know the guy who invented the technique for treating milk and wine to stop bacterial contamination. His famous quote “Chance favors only the prepared mind” is one you can print out and put somewhere at home and at work.

There are way too many people and products on the market these days that promise instant transformation if you just do ‘this one thing.”

Won’t work over the long haul.

I suggest you begin the new year preparing for change. You can’t wish for the magic of change to happen until you figure out what patterns of behavior you keep repeating so you can break that frustrating cycle of pattern repetition.

Start by taking the Leadership Development Quiz to see which of the 13 most common patterns in the family and in the workplace have your name on them. Then comes the hard work to take the time to observe yourself without judging.

This is how the mind gets prepared for change and getting into a place where you can sustain growth.

I believe the process of deep, long term change begins with preparation. Think of it this way: prior preparation cuts the time to success in half. Take the opportunity at the beginning of the year to search inside yourself and observe before you make half baked promises to yourself that kid you into thinking you will have important changes handled in a week or two.

Research indicates that, at best, it takes 90 days for real change to lock in. So, by end of March you should be able to evaluate your progress with being able to sustain growth and become a better version of you .

My Pattern Aware Success Guide is surprise surprise, a 90 days program in an ebook, to help you sustain growth, make the changes you choose, like the woman above who wants to be more caring and kind-hearted at home and more of a cheerleader to her direct reports at work.

Check out the Pattern Aware Success Guide on Amazon.

And I have a special gift for all of you for the new year. It’s a copy of my webinar Give Change a Chance.

All you have to do is send me an email and it’s yours to help prepare you for what looks like a powerful roller coaster ride in 2019.

Here’s to being able to sustain growth and become a better version of you!

Business, Gutsy, Patterns

My thoughts about the major change in gender relationships

Sylvia Lafair
December 18, 2018

Here’s an idea for a special gift for the gals in your life. It’s one of those gifts that keeps on giving for the rest of the year.

Now, I’m not bragging (although I do teach women that it is okay to ‘toot your own horn.’ It’s just that I received an email from a man recently that got me thinking about the next new wave in male-female relationships.

Here’s part of his email:

“I bought your book “GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change” for my wife after she found some of your webinars on line and loved them. Out of curiosity I started to read. She didn’t get the book till I was finished. What is amazing is that I truly understand her better now. And that age-old question “What do women want?” is not as foggy in my mind as it used to be. I know one of the answers you provide is that “Women want to be seen, heard, respected and appreciated.”

I know that we all, men and women, want to be seen, heard, respected and appreciated. However, the trek little girls make to become strong women is so different from the one that I, as a male, experienced.

The book was an eye opener.

Even more, I can be a stronger ally in helping my teen age daughters navigate the rough waters of adolescence. And, even more than that, I communicate differently at work (who knew that men have fewer words to use daily than women and I now have important meetings earlier in the day when I still have most of my words to use)…😃

Keep up the good work and tell men to read GUTSY.”

So, here’s the deal. Any man who buys the book and lets me know will get the GUTSY Success Guide as my gift to you.

Here are just a few more of my thoughts about the major change in gender relationships.

The headlines in 2018 have been filled with story after story about how the role of women in Western society has dramatically changed for the better. From politics to entertainment and everything in between, we have watched history unfold as women have stopped asking for equality and instead have taken charge, stepping into leadership roles across all segments of society. Women no longer talk about change, hope for change, or ask permission to change – they instead make change.

It is NOW, yes NOW, that we finally have a new map to build a future unlike the past.

I believe we are at a tipping point to redesign relationships between men and women for the benefit of all of us. I am in the process of making additional information available as an on-line educational program in 2019. This will give women (and men) from all walks of life the opportunity to take my work forward, which blends knowledge from business and psychology to awaken new ideas and possibilities.

Happy gift giving,

Sylvia

Business and Life Patterns, Gutsy, Patterns

Which one are you: Overwhelmed, Overworked or Frustrated?

Sylvia Lafair
December 11, 2018

Did you ever wonder if men feel as overwhelmed, overworked, and frustrated as women do, on a daily basis?

I did some digging to find the answers.

I spent time looking at the three areas of what it means to be overwhelmed, overworked, and frustrated.

Here is what I found.

OVERWHELMED

Let’s look at being overwhelmed first: Those of us who are pleasers (and women make up the majority of pleasers) who stay in that place of feeling like there is not one more ounce of energy to do another thing. This can bring tears, anger, depression, and all types of physical symptoms like headaches, heartaches, and hypertension. The list is long.

Look, when you can’t say NO it’s just like any other addiction. It takes over and leaves little room for honest thinking about what you should be doing. You become a puppet to the pattern you developed, that began when you watched and reacted to your parents or caretakers who helped mold your responses.

Saying YES to please others can be very comforting initially. You are liked, you are talked about in flattering terms. You are “the good one.”

However, like any addiction, the stakes keep getting higher as people want more and more from you and you have no more to give. Tough spot to be in.

Full disclosure. I, myself, am a recovering pleaser.

Here’s what I discovered as I began the journey from pleaser to its positive opposite, being a truth teller.

I had to learn that to NOT SPEAK UP is eventually destructive. It takes time and practice to think of yourself first, or at least, not ignore your personal wants and needs.

So, as far as overwhelmed, women win the title.

OVERWORKED

Let’s move to overworked. In our world the typical 9 to 5 job is virtually a myth. Just about everyone works more than 40 hours a week. Many who are in positions of leadership work an 80- hour week.

When stress is high, we all, men and women, tend to finally “blow our tops.” That is when the drama queen and king show up. One way to reduce stress is to yell and make the situation look much worse than it is. For a brief time, the release of spewing out not only the annoyance of a situation, also using colorful language really does help. At least, for the moment.

However, this is a defense mechanism that can only go so far. After the initial explosion, there is always debris that must be cleared away. Sure, it feels good to take a plate and smash it to make a statement. However, then the splattered plate must be cleaned up. And words said in anger with lots of finger pointing also must be cleared up.

In the realm of overworked, where the drama queen or king does NOT SHUT UP, it’s about equal for men and women. Those who can harness this energy can become great storytellers and use the energy in a positive way.

FRUSTRATED

The third area I considered are those who are frustrated and yet, do NOT OWN UP. This looks different for men and women. However, when you don’t own up to what has happened and are unwilling to be accountable the results are equally disastrous.

Women who do not own up to their part in any situation are seen as victims. They tend to bow their heads, say they were never told what to do, or some other lame excuse like that. This is the ‘deer in the headlight’s’ syndrome.

When women see their part in any given situation, they can become explorers who will look for better and new ways to handle what is going on. This is a great energy boost to get up and get going. Frustration melts away as more creative and purposeful ways of handling life’s situations are explored.

Men who do NOT OWN UP, when they are frustrated, become persecutors (aka bullies) and tend to point their index finger at everyone else. It becomes, “he said, she said, they said” with no looking inward at oneself.

If men can finally see their part in any given situation, they become visionaries. They take that finger pointing at others and point it toward the sky, painting a picture of future possibilities.

Thus, when it comes to frustration, women and men handle the situations differently. Yet, I say this one is also a toss-up on who is the more frustrated.

I would love to hear your thoughts about how you and those around you handle being overwhelmed, overworked and frustrated. This becomes even more apparent during this holiday season. So, it’s a great time to begin to observe your behavior and make a commitment to change.

Business and Life Patterns, Patterns

The most valued gift for the holidays…is YOU

Sylvia Lafair
November 27, 2018

In this post, I’m pondering the thought of what is the most valued gift for the holidays?

This is the time of year for both fun and family. Yet, sometimes, the two words don’t really go together.

Wouldn’t it be better if when you sit around the family table you were supported and delighted? And, even better, that you could support and delight those with whom you share a deep common bond?

And equally important did you ever think about the fact that so many of the patterns from how you behave with your relatives are carried from the family table to the meeting table at work.

Think of it this way, there are structural similarities between families and workgroups. Bosses can resemble parents and co-workers can feel like siblings. You get a salary, kinda like an allowance, and there are performance improvement plans that look like those frustrating ‘time outs’ we all experienced as kids.

This is the season for GUTSY women and BOLD men to look at the behaviors that get in the way of success. What better gift for the holidays than having a caring and even carefree holiday time where the most valued gift you can give to others is……YOU.

Here are my thoughts on what is needed along with the fun of giving and getting presents:

It’s your presence.

Yes, your presence. That means showing the very best of who you are and how you relate to those both around the family and the conference table.

Here is my thought for the holidays:

“It’s not about survival of the fittest.

It’s about how we can all survive and be fit”

In this unprecedented time when world stress is so high, I implore you to look for methods to support your biological family and your work family in new ways. In my books, Don’t Bring It To Work and GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change I help you recognize the 13 most common patterns from childhood that show up in all adult relationships. I help you gain skills to diminish conflict (not get rid of it, that’s impossible) just make it manageable and shorten the time of distress.

Answer this. Are you a pleaser, avoider or rescuer?

These examples of learned patterns are painfully annoying and simply don’t work. Once you learn the secrets of relationship systems by observing your outdated survival mechanisms you can harness and transform them. Then you can make optimal decisions and be a positive resource for family, friends, and colleagues at work.

Take the Leadership Quiz or the GUTSY Quiz to see what you need to do differently to upgrade your presence. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, all year round.

And if you buy either book, I’d like to gift you with a copy of the Pattern Aware Success Guide or the GUTSY Success Guide Book.

These books will help you learn to change patterns, one day at a time. It works.

Thanksgiving Celebration Tradition Family Dinner Concept

Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Leadership Styles, Patterns

Have a heartwarming and growth-inducing Thanksgiving

Sylvia Lafair
November 20, 2018

I am writing a heartfelt message to hopefully help make your Thanksgiving time as positive and fruitful as possible.

First, here is a quote from retired Supreme Court Justice, Sandra Day O’Conner:

The Family unit plays a critical role in our society

And in the generations to come.

In all the work I have done as a therapist and leadership coach, those words ring true for everyone both at home and at work.

Interestingly, many wish this were not the case, that annoying family members could just be forgotten.

Not possible.

Some of my best advice in “Don’t Bring It To Work” and “GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change” is about how to transform outdated behavior patterns we learned in our original organization the family that we bring into work and all other relationships.

Take the Leadership or GUTSY quiz to see where you are in terms of pattern repetition.

Today, I want to give you two tips that may well lead to a new understanding of those around you.

“TELL ME MORE”: Most of the time we stay at the superficial and safe level of talking with each other. To get underneath the obvious where the gold of truth lies, all you need to do is say “TELL ME MORE” to invite a richer discussion.

In my experience, most people want to heal past rifts and want to love and be loved in return. While this may sound too soft and fuzzy, it’s the opposite. Being open and searching for truth is the true hero and heroine’s journey.

It takes GUTSY women and BOLD men to be open and not defensive.

Your experiment is to simply deepen your discussion with at least one person over the Thanksgiving holiday.

“IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO ME”: Being vulnerable takes strength and determination. Easier to defend, explain and justify, to judge, blame and attack. That is the way most of us were taught to protect ourselves as kids and yes, we bring this with us into adulthood.

The words “It would mean a lot to me” are very carefully chosen. Saying what you ‘want’ or ‘need’ often creates a push back. It sounds like you are weak or demanding.

Simply telling someone what would really matter to you without putting a burden on them to fulfill a want or need is more honest and also more possible.

It would mean a lot to me to hear from those of you who use these two communication tools during the holiday season.

Also, it would mean a lot to me if you would take a minute and vote for me as a global guru for the 4th year in a row.

Thanks for all the support and comments over this past year.

Have a heartwarming and growth-inducing Thanksgiving.

Warmly,

Sylvia

Business and Life Patterns, Patterns

What is your Overall Life Satisfaction?

Sylvia Lafair
November 6, 2018

Many of us stop and pause during certain times of the year to think about our how content we are with our lives…or our OLS quotient. It may be at the end of the year, the beginning, or for that matter any time when events make us want to stop and think deeper.

What is an OLS?

It’s your Overall Life Satisfaction quotient. It’s about how content you are with your life right now. Is it all you want it to be? How are you handling stress? How do you make your day more fulfilling, more fun? How are relationships more rewarding?

Here is a simple Overall Life Satisfaction test to see where you are right now.

Rate each of the following on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best; 5 being not bad, could be better; 1 being rather bleak). Do this quickly and don’t over-think it).

Is your life:

Amazing ____

Creative ____

Challenging ____

Blissful _____

Exciting _____

Fulfilling ____

Powerful ____

Add all the scores and then divide by 7

Okay, all done. Now for what you need or don’t need.

What is your overall Life Satisfaction score?

If your score is 8 or above, you are in a super good spot. Go do something else, don’t even bother reading the rest of this blog.

Did you score under 7? Read on….

You are in a pattern rut. You can do with an emotional make-over. Here is an assignment to get you going in a new direction and move into new territory. If you want a more amazing, creative, challenging, blissful, exciting, fulfilling, and powerful life you must engage your brain in a new way.

Some call it “thinking outside of the box,” I call it being “pattern aware.”

You just must do one thing, that’s right, just one thing to begin the process for positive change. Pick from the following list. And remember, all you need to do for a system to change is begin with one small shift into an improved overall Life Satisfaction score.

Take a different route to work (even if it takes longer)
Go to a new restaurant for lunch or dinner (eat something new)
Come to work an hour earlier or later or leave an hour earlier or later (stop to smell the roses)
Talk with a co-worker you don’t like very much (ask questions)
Take a cup of java to your boss and chat for a few minutes (ask questions)
Read a magazine cover to cover that is different from you interests (about cooking if you love motorcycles and about motorcycles, if you love cooking)
Text an old friend to check in (ask questions)

You get the idea. Just do one thing you would not ordinarily do. Add to the above list. These are just ideas for you to consider. Make up your own. Make a list of 25. Do one each day for several weeks and just see what happens.

It’s about looking at your life from a different perspective with new eyes – you might be pleasantly surprised with the opportunities that come your way when you get out of your pattern rut.

And, of course, remember, an amazing life is not one where the sun shines every day. That would cause a drought. Rain, cloudy days, stress, and disappointment are also part of the richness of growth and development.

Here’s another way to continue to do strength training and become the best you can be. Buy a copy of Don’t Bring It To Work, send us the receipt, and we will send you a complimentary copy of the Pattern Aware Success Guide that gives you three months of exercises to help you improve your leadership and have a higher Overall Life Satisfaction score.

Here’s to the best you ever,

Sylvia

Transforming the Splitter into a Peacemaker

Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Patterns

Transforming Splitters into Peacemakers

Sylvia Lafair
February 27, 2018

Identifying and transforming splitters into peacemakers is the topic of this post. As you’ll see in my story, they can be tricky to spot and oftentimes it isn’t until they’ve done their dirty work.

Did you ever get sucked into some juicy gossip and then see it backfire? UG! That’s what happened to me. And while I’m so embarrassed, it’s such a good learning moment.

I had an employee who was always telling me how wonderful I am. She would smile such a sweet smile and say “You are so smart and perceptive. I bet you can always tell when people are lying or being deceptive.”

I would stand up straighter, nod my head in the affirmative, and say with profound modesty “Yup.”

Then Janice would tell me about all the issues with the staff that happened when I was traveling around the country to work with teams and leaders.

Her response was always, “You know how much I care about you. Don’t worry, I’ve got your back.”

Listen, if you ever hear those words from someone, I beg you, be careful.

They sound soothing. Yet, real BS.

Finally, a staff member and I were having coffee, just taking a peaceful break and she said, “I hear you and Janice are at odds with each other.”

I guess at times of surprise I’m not so eloquent. I looked at Lois and merely went, “Huh?”

Then I got an earful about everything I ever did that was not perfect, actually everything I ever did that was, well, merely human.

And suddenly, it hit me. I had been lulled into dreamland by a splitter.

In my defense, I always teach that the splitter is the hardest pattern to observe and the hardest pattern to transform.

Here’s why: Splitters are especially insidious because they are so hard to spot. They’re always so congenial and helpful (at least to your face). They always want to protect you and be there when needed.

Transforming splitters into peacemakers, is it possible?

Watch this short video and see what I have to say.

OKAY, you’re wondering what did I do?

I had to call several on my leadership team and ask the pointed questions that were hard to ask and listen to answers that made me sad and uncomfortable.

I had missed the mark by a mile.

Truth telling is freeing. Just remember, sometimes you must dig for the truth. It’s worth it. The thick veil of pollution I had been feeling lately began to lift.

Next, was my discussion with Janice. It didn’t go very well. She claimed I was tormenting her with my questions and was going to sue saying it was a hostile work environment.

She did quit. I was lucky. Her husband was going to be transferred to another part of the country. Our HR partner spoke with her and in a kind way simply told her it would be best to just leave since there were so many who would come forward to respond to her “splitting ways.”

This is one battle never won. From what I hear she leaves shards of glass wherever she goes. Often splitters grew up in families where they learned very early you had to take sides, and yet neither side had any safety. Thus, you play people off to never get caught being the one to get yelled at.

I still hope.

You see, splitters who do see the light of day can transform to become peacemakers. That is my wish for her. She is talented and could be a great force for good. I just missed the signals.

The denier not wanting to see what's going on

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Leadership Styles, Patterns

How to know if he or she is a denier

Sylvia Lafair
February 20, 2018

I recently received a curious email asking for help. Most of the time I get questions about work and leadership issues. This one is a bit different however it does fit into the patterns I’ve been discussing on the blog here.

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

You know that last week was Valentine’s Day. Well, you know, and I know. I am recently divorced and one of my co-workers (actually, my supervisor) asked me to go to dinner with him. He is also divorced, and I made sure there was nothing behind the screen for me to worry about. All looked good.

So, I said yes.

We were at a posh place in town and there were hearts filled with Belgian chocolate on each table as a gift from the chef. The maître d wished us a happy Valentine’s Day as he seated us. The wait staff all smiled and talked about the perfect weather for Valentine’s Day.

Got the picture.

Then Mr. Very Smart began making some comments about not knowing it was Valentine’s Day and wondering what the fuss was about. Onto other topics. He commented that the very cold weather in the Eastern U.S. proved all those jerks wrong about global warming. He later said he hadn’t seen his ex-wife nor his teen age children for over a year.

I was getting uncomfortable.

His reason was they were fine without him and children don’t really need two parents.

OK, my question, “Does he fit the description of the denier in your pattern model? If yes, is there hope for him? Can he change? He’s drop dead gorgeous and on his way to a big promotion and when he doesn’t sound like a dumb jerk he’s fun and engaging.”

Signed,

No Time to Waste

Let me tackle the pattern first. Yes, to the denier in him. He’s great at blocking out what is going on in the world (i.e. Valentine’s Day when the whole country is painted in roses, chocolate hearts and red balloons) and global warming which is bigger than a winter snow storm and cold temperatures).

Mostly, I worry about how easily he dismissed his children’s need for their dad. Guess if you got deep into a relationship with him he could dismiss you and your needs pretty fast also.

Deniers often grew up where there was so much turmoil they simply pulled the curtain down and turned to noise off for the sake of survival. And never got out of the place of fear and mistrust.

This video will help a bit.

My question is, how many warning signs do you need to stop you from what could be a painful partnership? That is, unless he is willing to do some heavy emotional lifting to change. You see, Dear, No Time to Waste, unless you are willing to live in a fantasy world with Mr. very Smart, you are destined to a world of disappointment.

Perhaps this video will help.

Best,

Sylvia

1 2 3 Next

How the Pattern Breakthrough Process Creates Change

Communication rules to help you experiment and break the old patterns

How to sustain growth and become a better version of you

My thoughts about the major change in gender relationships

Here are just a few more of my thoughts about the major change in gender relationships.

Which one are you: Overwhelmed, Overworked or Frustrated?

The most valued gift for the holidays…is YOU

Have a heartwarming and growth-inducing Thanksgiving

What is your Overall Life Satisfaction?

Transforming Splitters into Peacemakers

Transforming splitters into peacemakers, is it possible?

Watch this short video and see what I have to say.

How to know if he or she is a denier

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Here are just a few more of my thoughts about the major change in gender relationships.

Transforming splitters into peacemakers, is it possible?

Watch this short video and see what I have to say.

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