Transforming Conflict Into Win-Win Solutions
Summary: In the heat of a conflict, our natural response is often to judge, blame, or attack (what I call JUBLA), and then we move to the next level, to defend, explain, or justify (DEJ) our position. These are traditional methods in most cultures. Resolving conflict was to punch, jab, and “tell on each other.” Of course, we want to be heard, understood, and validated. A better way is to ask clarifying questions that can shift the conversation from adversarial to cooperative, opening the door to solutions that benefit everyone involved.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
Recently the leaders at the top of my organization are nasty and mean-spirited.
Sadly, they do this both in private sessions but, lately, more and more in public settings.
It has led to a chaotic and vengeful workplace.
I know you have studied lthe core values of positive communication.
In fact, you have helped me see, hear, and feel the roots of the specific conflict of the moment.
I now pause before responding. And even listen to the silence.
In any case, during these chaotic times, I need more help than ever. What else can I do to stay above the fray and help my whole team get better results?
Signed,
Saying less is better
Dear Saying less,
You are on the way to being an excellent leader.
Once you learn that “less is more,” you are on your way.ur way to handling contentious moments more effectively.
Let’s look at the power of clarifying questions when conflict rears its ugly head.
Why We Default to Defending, Explaining, and Justifying
When we feel attacked or misunderstood, the brain goes into defensive mode. This response is deeply rooted in our psychology—the need to be right, to protect our image, and to ensure our perspectives are acknowledged.
However, defending, explaining, and justifying often escalate conflict rather than resolve it. Instead of fostering understanding, they reinforce division, with each party digging deeper into their position.
Clarifying questions, on the other hand, do something remarkable: they slow down the emotional charge of the conversation, allowing both parties to step back, reflect, and see the issue from new angles.
The Power of Clarifying Questions in Action
Let’s take a real-world example from a corporate leadership meeting.
Scenario:
A sales team is meeting with the Chief Operational Officer.
The team’s promises have not been kept. They are behind by more than just a “little,” and the team leader is feeling defensive and angry. He feels he did not get the support he needed from marketing and blames them for the weak bottom line.
The team leader, Dan, and COO Matt are doing what they had learned early in life: punch and jab.
Instead of continuing the back-and-forth, Lisa takes a different approach. She pauses and asks:
- “James, can you help me understand what the risks are if we delay by three weeks?”
- “What would an ideal launch look like from your perspective?”
- “Is there any flexibility on the timeline if we can ensure strong early sales?”
These questions shift the conversation. Instead of battling over their positions, James starts explaining the specific concerns he has about delays—losing market share, executive pressure, and concerns about competitors. Lisa realizes that while her team needs more time, there might be creative ways to meet some of James’s concerns without sacrificing quality.
As a result, they co-create a win-win solution: They agree to a phased launch—Marketing will prioritize a pre-launch campaign to build buzz while Product Development finalizes key features, allowing for a well-prepared but timely release.
Why Clarifying Questions Work
- They shift the focus from positions to interests. Instead of arguing about what they want, both parties explore why they want it.
- They create a collaborative tone. Asking for clarification signals a willingness to listen rather than fight.
- They lead to creative solutions. When people feel heard, they are more open to compromise and new ideas.
How to Use Clarifying Questions in Your Next Conflict
Next time you find yourself in a difficult conversation, try shifting from defending to asking:
- “Can you help me understand what’s most important to you in this situation?”
- “What concerns you most about my proposal?”
- “What would success look like for you?”
- “Is there a way we can address both of our concerns?”
By embracing clarifying questions, you move from conflict to collaboration, finding solutions that work for everyone. That’s the power of true leadership and emotional intelligence—turning adversaries into allies and problems into possibilities.
Would love to hear—have you ever used clarifying questions to resolve a tough situation? Let’s discuss!
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS. Want a free session with one of our coaches? Please email me directly at [email protected] and let’s see who is a best fit for you.
