Summary: The phrase, “That’s just the way they are,” has excused bad behavior for far too long. We often complain about parents or bosses who dominate every conversation, hijack good ideas, and somehow always seem to find the spotlight. But here’s the million-dollar leadership question: Do we have to live with egotistical relationships, or can they actually learn to see the impact of their behavior and transform? Stay tuned, there’s more hope than you think.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I am struggling with the number of narcissists in my life.
I wonder if I am the “problem?”
Why am I attracting them into my inner circle?
All I can say is “UG!”
Look, I know it started with my father, who was, and is, always about himself. He needs constant praise and wants his children and grandchildren to bow down to him, as if he were the king of the hill.
This well-known individual has amassed a substantial amount of wealth, which is his primary measure of success. He gives us holiday gifts that we all know are just enough for him to get a tax break.
As his son, I am sick and tired of telling him how great he is. What about thinking of me, first, for a change?
Just so you know, my sister, my husband, and our three young adult grandchildren feel the same way.
And, to my dismay, my boss, as well as many others on my Executive Leadership Team, shares the same “malady.”
I want to get the narcissists out of my life.
I would love some advice.
Signed,
Still Hopeful
Why Leadership Attracts Narcissists
Dear Still Hopeful,
It is very common for people to be attracted to leaders who possess qualities similar to at least one of their parents.
Narcissism is at the top of the list.
Leadership roles are magnets for egos. It makes sense that ambition, charisma, and a drive for recognition are qualities found in parents and work leaders.
A touch of narcissism, confidence, boldness, and a strong sense of self can even be helpful.
But here’s the slippery slope:
Healthy confidence inspires trust.
Unhealthy narcissism crushes it.
What starts as assurance quickly curdles into arrogance. The signs are familiar:
Cutting people off mid-sentence.
Taking credit for others’ work.
Constantly bragging about how successful they are.
Dismissing feedback as “jealousy” or “lack of vision.”
Focusing more on optics than outcomes.
Always talking about what they want and need without considering the perspectives of others.
And the cost? Trust erodes, collaboration shrivels, and talented employees quietly update their résumés.
Often, narcissists are still busy showing their parents how “special” they are.
This is what causes so much “invisible stress” in relationships. Caution: The way out is to observe, understand, and then transform stress.
Sadly, if it is ignored, it will remain at the forefront and center of unhealthy relationships.
And then, when you come along and don’t want to play the tired, old game, tension arises.
Narcissism vs. Confidence: Spotting the Difference
It’s tempting to slap the label narcissist on every overconfident boss. But true narcissism goes deeper.
Confidence says: “I know my strengths, and I’m open to hearing yours.”
Narcissism says: “My strengths are the only ones that matter.”
Confident leaders invite collaboration. Vain leaders demand admiration. That’s the distinction every team needs to understand.
The Surprising Question: Can Narcissists Change?
The old thinking was blunt: “Nope. Narcissists will never change. Learn to live with it.”
But leadership coaching, psychology, and real-world case studies suggest otherwise. Narcissists can change, but only under specific conditions.
Three Conditions for Change
Often, you need to start by telling the truth to the power in your own family.
That means, telling a parent you feel dismissed orconstantly searching for praise you never get.
This is How to Make Change Happen:
Awareness (The Crack in the Mirror Moment)
Narcissists rarely self-diagnose. Change starts with disruption: a project fails, key talent walks out, or a trusted advisor finally says, “Your behavior is costing you.”
Motivation (What’s in It for Me?)
Please don’t count on guilt to inspire a narcissist; it won’t. Change comes when they see how transformation fuels their own goals: greater influence, longer success, and genuine respect.
Support (Rewiring Doesn’t Happen Alone)
Self-absorbed patterns are deeply ingrained survival strategies.
When coaches, mentors, and structured programs offer feedback loops and accountability, they make lasting change possible.
Narcissism as a Pattern, Not a Prison
Here’s a reframe: instead of branding selfish leaders as hopelessly toxic, what if we see their behavior as a pattern?
First, The Pattern Origin: Early survival strategy, “If I shine brighter, I’ll be noticed and safe.”
Next, The Pattern Problem: Over time, this need to shine blinds them to the needs of others.
Finally, The Pattern Potential: With guidance, they can evolve into visionary leaders, still shining brightly, but in a way that lights the path for everyone.
This perspective shifts the conversation from blame to possibility.
How Teams Survive (and Thrive) With Toxic Leaders
Let’s be real: not every self-absorbed leader will take the growth path. Some remain stuck. If you’re working with one, here’s how to stay sane and productive:
Don’t Feed the Ego Monster
Constant flattery only cements bad behavior. Recognition is fine—but balance it with truth.
Feedback Around Impact
Skip the character assassination. Instead of “You’re arrogant,” say:
“When you cut off discussion, we lose valuable ideas—and that slows results.”
Set Boundaries
Narcissists test limits. Calm, consistent boundaries teach them that respect is non-negotiable.
Model Empathy
Demonstrate active listening and validation. Sometimes showing empathy helps awaken it in others.
What Happens When They Do Change?
I’ve seen leaders once branded “narcissists” shift into some of the most dynamic, inspiring visionaries. How?
Magic happens when they learned to share the spotlight.
Use charisma to rally teams, not overshadow them.
A simple change of pronouns can make a significant difference. Reframe “me first” into “we win.”
My client, Steve, epitomized ego-driven leadership. After half his team quit, he had his crack-in-the-mirror moment.
Through coaching, he discovered his habit of dismissing others came from childhood lessons about “never showing weakness.” When he swapped dismissal for curiosity, his influence didn’t shrink; it grew.
Interestingly, during coaching he was willing to have an “important conversation” with his son.
The pattern began to shrink in its power.
They shared deep feelings that had been buried until then. This was a significant part of the breakthrough in the pattern.
Today, his team calls him “the spark,” not “the steamroller.”
The World Doesn’t Need Fewer Bold Leaders. It Requires Fewer Emotionally Blind Leaders.
If we keep excusing destructive narcissism as “just the way they are,” we’ll keep losing innovation, talent, and trust.
But if we see narcissism as a transformable pattern, we unlock enormous leadership potential.
Because here’s the truth:
Behind every overbearing ego is an underfed sense of safety.
Behind every narcissist is the possibility of a visionary.
From Mirror to Window
Egotistical leaders don’t have to stay stuck staring in the mirror. T
They can learn to look through a window, seeing the people, patterns, and possibilities around them.
If you’re leading a narcissist, don’t just roll your eyes and whisper, “That’s just the way they are.” Challenge them. Support them. Set boundaries.
If you recognize manipulative patterns in yourself, here’s the good news: it’s not a life sentence.
With awareness, motivation, and support, you can shift from self-absorbed to self-aware, from demanding admiration to inspiring it.
We Don’t Need to Live with Narcissism as an Inevitable Part of Leadership
We need to transform it. And when we do, we won’t just change leaders, we’ll change the future of work itself.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
P.S.: My work on behavioral patterns in leadership helps leaders break destructive cycles and avoid repeating them. Consider doing my 4-module online “Total Leadership Connections” program that includes coaching. The objective measure of leadership isn’t how brightly you shine, it’s how brightly you help others shine
