Summary: Every family has rules, secrets, and stories it carefully protects. But what happens when someone finally tells the truth? Why do families sometimes punish the person who speaks up while protecting the person responsible for the harm? Discover how invisible family patterns shape our relationships, follow us into the workplace, and learn how we can transform them for generations to come.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
Recently, I saw a political advertisement in which a mother publicly rejected her daughter all the while ignoring allegations of sexual abuse by the stepfather. The mother and daughter had reportedly been estranged for decades. Then came the headlines about Collin Gosselin’s painful childhood experiences. Then there are the public discussions about Prince Harry, and the royal family’s ongoing divisions.
Different families. Different circumstances. Yet beneath these public conflicts seems to be a familiar question: Who gets to tell the family story, and what happens when someone challenges the accepted version? I wonder what is gained when families expose their pain to the world.
Does telling the truth bring healing, or does it simply create another generation of hurt? And why do so many families seem more concerned about protecting their reputation than addressing what went wrong? As a leader of a large construction company, I want to be honest with my employees and yet not overshare. Yes, I have some ugliness in my past. I’m not sure it belongs on social media, or even in a team meeting.
How have you handled family issues with leaders?
Signed,
Staying Silent
Telling the Truth is NOT Spilling Your Guts
Dear Staying Silent,
You have touched on one of the most painful and persistent patterns I have witnessed in my work with families and leaders. In too many families, the person who tells the truth becomes the problem, while the person whose behavior caused the harm remains protected.
Think about the child who finally confronts an angry parent, the daughter who refuses to excuse a sibling’s destructive behavior, or the adult son who questions a family secret that everyone has agreed never to discuss. Instead of asking, “What happened, and how can we make it right?” the family often responds with, “Why are you bringing this up now?”
Suddenly, the conversation shifts from the original harm to the supposed disloyalty of the person who spoke up. And the pattern continues.
The Family Rule Nobody Remembers Agreeing To
Every family develops unwritten rules. Don’t upset your father. Keep your mother happy. Your brother has always been difficult, so just ignore him. Whatever happens, don’t embarrass the family. Most of these rules began as attempts to maintain stability. Yet over time, they can become invisible agreements that reward silence and punish honesty.
Why do people go along? Because belonging matters. Especially to children.
A child quickly learns what brings approval and what leads to rejection, anger, or withdrawal of affection. Those lessons can become deeply ingrained, even when we grow into capable, successful adults. Here is the uncomfortable truth: When we repeatedly protect someone from the consequences of harmful behavior, we may become part of the very pattern we wish would disappear.
And sometimes the family member who finally refuses to cooperate with that pattern is labeled the troublemaker. Not because they created the problem, but because they stopped helping to hide it.
What We Don’t Finish in Our Families, We Often Repeat at Work
For more than 35 years, one observation has guided my leadership development work: Your first organization was your family, and the patterns you learned there often follow you into your organization at work.
The child who learned to please may become the executive who cannot say no. The child who feared punishment for speaking up may become the employee who remains silent when something unethical happens. The family Rescuer becomes the manager who continually protects an underperforming employee. The Avoider becomes the leader who postpones difficult conversations until a small problem becomes a crisis.
Patterns are not necessarily character flaws. They often began as intelligent ways to survive emotionally. But what helped us belong as children can prevent us from leading effectively as adults. And the most troubling part? We may be repeating behaviors we once promised ourselves we would never repeat.
>> Are you aware of your own patterns? Find out with my GLIMMERS self-assessment! (opens in new tab)
The Sankofa Map: Seeing What Was Once Invisible
This is why the Sankofa Map has become such an important part of our leadership development programs. Rooted in the African wisdom of looking back to move forward, the Sankofa Map helps people recognize how family experiences, cultural expectations, and significant life events shaped their beliefs about authority, conflict, loyalty, and love.
I have watched successful leaders experience extraordinary moments of recognition. One suddenly understands why disagreement feels like rejection. Another sees why confronting a family member creates overwhelming guilt. Still another realizes that the need to control everything began long before becoming a CEO.
What was invisible becomes visible. And with that awareness comes something many people have never fully experienced: choice. We do not look backward to assign blame. We look backward so the past no longer makes our decisions for us. That is the power of the Sankofa Map.
Telling the Truth Is Not the Same as Punishing Someone
Now, back to your original question about families taking their pain into the public arena. There is no simple answer. For some people, speaking publicly is the first time they have felt heard. It may be an important step toward accountability, especially when private efforts have failed. For others, public accusations can become another chapter in an endless struggle over who is right and who is wrong.
The important distinction is not simply whether the truth is spoken publicly or privately. It is whether we are moving toward accountability, protection, and change, or remaining trapped in the same cycle of JUBLA: judgement blame, or attack.
In my forthcoming book, GLIMMERS at WORK: The Self-Aware Leader’s Advantage, I explore how recognizing an emotional trigger can create the opportunity to pause before repeating an old pattern. Then comes the ugly middle, that uncomfortable space where we must choose between familiar behavior and a healthier response.
Perhaps we speak honestly without attacking. Set a boundary without guilt. Or refuse to rescue someone from the consequences of their actions. We begin to understand that accountability is not punishment, and telling the truth is not betrayal.
And we also recognize that healing does not always require reconciliation. Sometimes it means creating enough distance to stop the harm.
The Legacy We Leave Behind
Every family has unfinished stories. Some are filled with love and resilience. Others carry disappointment, resentment, and truths that have remained buried for decades. We cannot change what happened yesterday. But we can decide what we carry into tomorrow.
Ask yourself:
- What truth did I learn was too dangerous to speak?
- Which role did I take on to remain loved and accepted?
- Where am I still playing that role in my family or at work?
The greatest legacy we can leave the next generation is not a perfect family image. It is the freedom to speak honestly, take responsibility, and disagree without fear of losing love. Perhaps the real family secret is not what happened years ago. It is how much of our lives we still spend protecting the silence around it.
The question is whether we are ready to stop. That is where the GLIMMERS Effect™ begins.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
P.S. My upcoming book goes deep into how we can transform our triggers into GLIMMERS. Read the intro for free here! (opens in new tab)
