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Business, Change, Communication, Growth, Success

Ways to Move Toward OUR COMMON FUTURE

Sylvia Lafair
June 3, 2020

How do you, yes you, engage in the complex time that is upon us all right now?

When circumstances demand change what do you do?

Do you retreat, hoping for the way it was?

Do you want to clear out everything familiar and start from scratch?

Do you complain and blame “them” (whoever that may be)?

Do you want law and order or peace at any price?

This is what I have been hearing from those in my executive leadership coaching program: “I just want peace” while others say, “I want to feel empowered” and still others say, “Just leave me alone, cause I don’t care.”

Here I have some suggestions as we begin the long and winding road to the next phase of our common future.

Peace Sounds Good

Being at peace means no conflict at home or work, no fighting with neighbors, no angry protestors, no mobs who grab whatever they can, no polarization, no violence of any form.

Except this is straight from “La La Land.”

Change the word peace to growth and we can continue to discuss.

Growth is always connected with conflict.

And change is also connected with conflict.

Real peace, growth, and change go together.

Move from Peace to Empowerment

The next step we need to take right now is empowerment.

Let me explain.

The word empowerment is coming up more and more these days

So, what does it really mean?

The word empowerment creates a feeling of excitement.

It’s both personal and collective.

When someone can say they are empowered they have taken their skills and talents to make a difference for themselves and others.

From Power to Empowerment

Showing force and power is NOT the same as being empowered.

Empowerment is a different kind of power.

It’s about standing for what can benefit both you and those around you with a deep understanding of how your behavior will impact others now and in the future.

Ask questions and listen to the answers. Start the debate and then change to dialogue.

Debate to Dialogue

Debate, by definition, has winners and losers.

Dialogue is much different It’s a route to listening to and learning from each other.

Here’s a choice for you for these days: As a leader, do you want and need to be powerful, or do you want to take that fierce step to be truly empowered?

It takes real courage, inner strength, creativity, and pattern-breaking spontaneity to begin the task of real change.

Join me.

I am starting a group to discuss the role empowered leaders can play right here and right now based on my book “UNIQUE: How Story Sparks Diversity, Inclusion, and Engagement.”

If you want to join the group please email me at sylvia@ceoptions.com for more information.

To our connected future,

Sylvia

Business, Change, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Success

What is the new normal?

Sylvia Lafair
May 27, 2020

The question every leader is asking these days is:

What is the new normal?

Back to the office? Part-time at home? Full time at home?

Look, initially, It won’t be business as usual. It will be business as unusual.

We all yearn for physical safety and equally as important we yearn for psychological safety.

Physical safety means nods not handshakes. It means be careful when you sneeze. It means talking from a distance.

It means to follow the guidelines even if the guidelines change every so often.

Psychological safety?

That’s what I have been asked about over and over by the companies I work with these last strange months.

Here’s what I think is foundational for any company anywhere on the planet.

It’s a combination of the important work of Daniel Goleman about emotional intelligence and my work about becoming pattern aware.

I believe people will initially be more open to new ways of thinking and responding and unless the new ways are underlined, there will be a knee jerk reaction back to the same old patterned ways as before.

We saw this after 9-11.

Initially, most were kinder, more attentive, more honest, more willing to help each other. And then?

Back to the way it was.

I was in Manhattan not that long after the deadly destruction when the twin towers crumbled to the ground.

Our taxi driver shared what he saw and after a short time, he had to pull over to wipe his tears. My husband and I sat with him, first in silence, and then talking about his recent memories.

I gave him my card and said if he wanted, I would do some EMDR sessions (a method used with trauma victims). All he had to do was call and come to our hotel.

He did. And I had the difficult privilege of helping with his healing journey as a gift for his courage.

Then over time, I watched so many people become more aggressive, nastier, and less caring.

Can this time be different?

There have not been planes crashing into buildings, no visible enemy to “take out.”

And yet, much the same.

More of us have been struggling to make sense of the invisible “curse” that has swept the world. The fear and anger are there and the desperation of many who have been attacked by the virus or hit with financial hard times.

There are conspiracy theories (as there were in 2001), those who want to disregard the toll on lower-income workers, ignore the plight of the homeless, loud demands claiming individual freedom, and those hoping to reap a fortune from the unprecedented times.

Back to getting back to work and embracing the new normal…

Here are a few key elements for business leaders to consider as the new normal is set to open:

Purpose: Leaders are here to create a vision with a strong sense of purpose. What and how will the business align around contributing to the personal growth of employees, of helping to make work a setting where stress is addressed before it becomes a chronic health condition, where time on and off is looked at beyond that old 40-60 hour workweek.
Openness: Leaders will engage to help everyone feel free enough to speak up and be part of the solution rather than just stand on the sidelines waiting to be told what to do and how to do it. In essence, to be treated like the adults they are.
Compensation: No hidden agendas so all employees can negotiate a just and fair wage. They are not there to be given “allowances” as if they are children. The fiscal realities are discussed and understood. The theme of “we’re in it together” is one that leaders commit to and speak about with integrity.
Excellence: The vision is one where the need is NOT to be the best (an immature and impossible goal), rather it is to hold the standards high and everyone has the opportunity to achieve and grow to their highest ability.

This push into the future has lots of challenges…

However, the opportunity is for a more positive and healthy work environment where trillions of dollars don’t have to go down the drain due to excessive stress and chronic health conditions that could be averted.

This requires a new way of thinking about organizational culture, not just having a “tune-up” with an occasional “feel good” meeting.

There are those who are waiting in the wings for their chance at retrenchment, for back to basics. They will lobby for “the good old days.”

I believe the world of work is poised to lead positive change, and with enough determination and willingness to keep the vision of a more connected, more caring world front and center, progress is in the air.

The theme of my company and many organizations we work with is:

“We are all connected, and no one wins unless we all do”

Let’s make business as unusual the new normal.

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Growth, Patterns, Success

How to Deal with a Narcissist

Sylvia Lafair
May 20, 2020

I’ve been getting lots of questions about how to deal with the narcissist lately. I began to wonder if this personality type is more prevalent, or at least more obvious during times of extra stress.

So, I did a deep dive into various publications and paid special attention to the news.

Yes, there are lots of Narcissists in the news.

I have a few that stand out for me.

How about you? I’d love to compare notes.

Then I started to think about where narcissism starts. It led me right back to my book where I sort through the behavior patterns and personality traits that are part of our developmental years.

The patterns I discuss in ‘Don’t Bring It to Work” are the ones that we learned as kids from our original organization, the family, and bring with us to work.

They get in the way of connection, communication, and collaboration at work (and at home, I might add).

The pattern I discuss in detail that comes closest to the narcissist is the Super Achiever. That is the individual I call the “me, me, me guy or gal.”

Super Achievers and Narcissists are very much alike.

They boast about how good they are.

They are not team players.

They steal ideas from others and claim them for their own.

They talk a great game.

They show off and claim they have special talents yet, without much substance.

They are self-obsessed.

They damage others without thought of consequences.

They cut off people rather than work through issues.

They love high-end material things and shiny objects that cost lots of money.

They ghost people who no longer matter in their quest for greatness.

They claim to care about you, and about making the world a better place.

And, truth be told, they really never care about you unless you can do something for them.

Super achievers and narcissists don’t want to change. Often, they are not even aware of how self-indulgent they are.

They want you to cater to them, bow to them and listen to them. They KNOW better about what really matters.

Got the idea

Now for the downside. (Yes, there is more).

The super achiever and the narcissist also have a great deal of victim psychology underneath the bravado. They play the victim card when they feel they are being disrespected or discarded.

You hear “No one ever asks if I’m okay and I do so much for so many.”

Just notice when someone you know who thinks they are King or Queen of the Hill decides you or whoever has discounted them.

You get fired if you have the unholy privilege of working for them.

You are talked about in negative ways.

You are thrown out of their very tight-knit tribe.

You will be the target of their revenge.

Do you get the drift?

Now, what to do if you are in a relationship with, work with, or just happen to be around one of these destructive types of people.

Here’s what I suggest you do.

STOP!.

Just stop playing into their narrative or it will cost you emotionally and/or fiscally.

They may write a book and you will be slimed. They will not support you and you may end up jobless. They will make sure you are considered untrustworthy and unwanted by their ‘in-crowd.’

Enough! You get it.

Be careful.

I had a super achieving narcissist do some marketing for me years ago. It cost a ton of wasted money till I woke up.

It was expensive hogwash.

And yet, I learned a great deal about my own weakness for being ‘romanced’ and told how great my work is and what he could do to help me.

I had to address how and why I got entrapped by this narcissist.

Did I change my relationship with Mr. Narcissist?

No.

However, from that awful, expensive encounter I learned some uncomfortable truths about myself.

Just sayin!

There is good news, however,

Patterns can be transformed into their healthy opposite with some inner work about how they developed in the first place. The super achiever/narcissist can become a powerful creative collaborator who is respected and really does make a difference.

Want to know the top 13 top patterns at work and their positive transformations?

I’ve got a fascinating video series that explains each one and you’ll get clarity about what might be holding you back!

>>CLICK HERE TO START WATCHING<<

Business, Change, Growth, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Change: What really matters as we begin to create the new normal?

Sylvia Lafair
May 13, 2020

Change is inevitable however, we’ve been thrown into change, more change than we’ve ever expected to experience in our lifetimes. So how do we figure what really matters as we begin to create the new normal?

I want to share the story where the president of a company I work with recently called me and said the following:

“I don’t want to change. I like who I am. I’m smart and capable. And I’m damn mad that my route to success has been hijacked.”

After he stopped his ranting about life not being fair, about all the hard work he had done now seemingly going down the tubes, about the fact that he didn’t create this crazy, confusing, world, he finally took a breath and got quiet.

I waited.

He began again.

Only this time I heard a quiver in his voice as he said quietly “Everything I have worked for all these years may have been a big waste of time.”

I said the magic words I so often teach people to say when someone is upset.

“TELL ME MORE.” Was all I requested and then I shut up.

It took him a few extra seconds before he began again.

“I’m scared. I’m worried about the future. I’m worried for my staff and I’m worried about my family. I just don’t know what else to do.”

I sat and waited. My nod on that Zoom call was one of “Okay, tell me more.” (I didn’t say it, I just waited).

And then he finally tapped into what I have labeled “the F word.”

He started to talk about his FEELINGS.

We know, as more information about neuropsychology becomes available, that emotions and facts cannot live without each other. It really is impossible to think without feeling.

No matter how hard we want to compartmentalize, emotions push their way to couple with logic.

My question to him, and to you is “How do you handle the worry you have about things you cannot control?”

Look, everyone is worried about the state of the world right now. When will things return to ‘business as usual’?

I believe it will become “business as unusual.”

Do you have any guesses about what your work world will look like six months or a year from now?

Now is the time to re-think and re-feel what really matters as we begin to create the new normal.

That triple bottom line is more important than ever before: people, planet, profits.

Back to my client.

He started to respond in his typical manner (the main reason he became a client) to blame, judge, and justify.

“It’s his fault, her fault, their fault.”

Yet, very quickly he realized he was reverting to old, outdated ways of responding.

Then very quietly he said, “I don’t know how to react when I’m not in control.”

Ah, he was now ready, I was ready, we were ready

Time for a change of mindset.

You can’t practice it like you do a golf swing.

Or, maybe it’s not so different.

You look at the ball and check with your eyes to see where you want it to go. You take a deep breath and use the best techniques you have learned to let the golf club make the ball go where you think it should go.

And then you wait.

You watch the air take the ball to wherever.

Instead of the physical world of golf clubs and golf balls, it’s the world of mindsets and reactions.

You practice almost like you would with a golf swing. By observing yourself differently and the way you have ordered your world.

You spend time addressing what triggers you to upset. You stop long enough to look at where you want your reactions to go. You take a deep breath and use the best techniques you have learned to get your response where you think it should be.

And then you wait.

You watch your reaction take your words wherever.

And then you wait.

The more you attempt to control everything, the more stress you feel.

Sometimes you win and other times you don’t.

Yet, you keep practicing to get the best outcome possible.

Once my client could relate to our session like a golf lesson, he was more ready to do his best and let go of things out of his control.

Can you do the same?

Business, Growth, Stress, Success

The benefits of EUSTRESS

Sylvia Lafair
May 6, 2020

Eustress…what does that mean? Is there really something as good stress? In this post, I share with you the benefits of eustress and how you change how you respond to stress.

I have a big question for each of you to answer: Would you eat pizza and nothing else for a month? Or maybe chow down only hamburgers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner day after day?

By the end of one week, I bet you would be thrilled with a bowl of spinach.

Next question: Then why do you keep putting the same old thoughts in your mind?

Think about it. Most self- talk can get pretty boring.

The NOTS becomes KNOTS and we keep saying things like “This will not change” or “I cannot get this done” or “I’m not good enough.”

I’m getting so many stress-related calls these days. And most of them have the same underlying theme.

It’s understandable when what we all thought was normal is no longer the baseline of our behavior. What does the new normal look like? No one knows yet.

People are throwing up their hands and asking me to comment on what they should do to counteract the stress that is directing their negative behavior. The behavior, so many are telling me, that causes stress seems to be getting worse.

They are all saying variations of “Damn, why did I do THAT again?”

Most say they are disappointed in themselves for falling back to old ways of reacting instead of leaning into new ways of responding.

Here is my response:

This is a great time to challenge your “normal” behavior and make big choices to do things differently.

Enter the STRESS FLEX System. Watch the webinar here.

Learn about the benefits of EUSTRESS (that’s good stress).

And how to be in charge of all the other stressors that make you feel like crap.

The STRESS FLEX System gives you the tools to analyze and evaluate before you decide what to do.

It means first you look at the facts and then also consider the emotions that are activated by the facts.

Then it’s time to give your maladaptive coping methods the boot.

Time to talk with your inner voice and make good decisions so you no longer are mad as hell at yourself for bad reactions.

The good news is….. you’ll have more and healthier choices in the future.

Pizza anyone?

Here’s to your success,

Sylvia

Business, Managing Stress, Stress

5 Tips to Handle Stress in Times of Distress

Sylvia Lafair
April 29, 2020

I get a lot of questions all the time asking me how to handle stress in times of distress so I felt it was important to address this and share 5 tips that will get you out of stress zone.

How do you handle those awful moments when you are boiling inside and yet, smiling on the outside?

How long can you keep the fake smile on your face without handling the stress that is eating at you?

Will it end up causing you physical harm, like upping your blood pressure? Or sending you diving into that gooey chocolate cake sitting in the kitchen? Or yelling at your neighbor for parking too close to your driveway?

The following story is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent:

Dottie was furious with her boss for constantly calling her on Friday afternoons, that is every Friday afternoon, to pour on extra work she would need to get done over the weekend.

She never spoke up directly. Instead, she would chomp down some chocolate and take a walk. Then she would count backwards from 100 to calm down.

Finally, she would visualize her boss as an angel and tell him it was too much work, and this fictitious angel boss would smile and say not to worry and get it done when she could.

However, the resentment kept building, and no amount of chocolate, counting, or visualizing really made a difference.

That was until that fateful team meeting.

She was sitting about two people away from ‘the ogre’ at dinner and when he said “Dottie, will you please pass the butter” she had hit her boiling point and watched these words pour from her mouth “Here, take the damn butter and by the way, I think you are an overbearing jerk and I hope you choke on your food.”

Moral of the story: Ignoring upset will cost you sooner or later.

The best way to handle the mad is to face it and not brush it under the rug.

Here are some techniques that will help you handle stress when it is over the top high that will keep you true to yourself, let you be heard, and yet not cause a major rift.

Stop: Take a deep in-breath and blow it out like you are blowing out candles on a cake. This will help you recalibrate, handle stress, and decide the next step.
Detach: Notice where the anger and stress reside in your body. Just observing this will help you calm down
Vent: Find someone you trust and use your most creative language to let the mad out. No one to talk with at the moment? Talk to yourself and let it rip. Ride the upset like a wave destined to soon come to shore and you’ll handle the stress like a pro.
Visualize: See the other person as a little kid looking out the window with no one to play with. Often the one who makes too many demands or makes you feel like crap is really a frightened child inside. This makes it less intimidating when you are ready to tell your truth.
Restructure: Change the negative thoughts of revenge and disappointment to the positive of “I can handle stress successfully.”

I think that how we handle stress is one of the most vital areas for relationship success, whether with work colleagues or family members.

I’m launching my new masterclass “How to Stay in The Safe Stress Zone During Tough Times” and learn to take charge of how you respond this week and will be making a special announcement with details on how you can view it.

And, by the way, in case you wondered, yes, Dottie was fired and had a devil of a time getting a new job.

Business, Managing Stress, Stress

What’s Your Current Stress Level?

Sylvia Lafair
April 15, 2020
managing stress, Stress

How stressed are you? On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being “I can’t take much more” to 1 being, “Huh, what is there to be stressed about?”

Just remember that extremes are never sustainable.

Where you want to be is between 4-6 which I have labeled “The SAFE STRESS ZONE.”

Here is how I developed ways to stay in “the zone.”

It’s mental, emotional and yes, even physical.

Research shows that while stress is nothing new, it takes on a whole new meaning during tough times.

You hear it all the time. People are talking about burnout, exhaustion, tension, and overload.

The talk today is sadly in disclaimer language, you know, like “That’s not my job.” Or “I didn’t sign up for this.” Or “I need more help and I’m not getting it.”

Are you overdosing on pleasing others? Frustrated that you can’t get done what you planned this morning? Angry that your pet projects are now on hold?

You’re not alone — stress is of pandemic proportions these days.

Not a meditator? Get annoyed with those who beg you to practice yoga even though you would rather life weights at the gym? Find yourself filling the discomfort with comfort foods?

Unless you want to go and meditate on the top of a mountain all by yourself (actually doesn’t sound so bad now, does it)?

The old way of handling stress is to look for someone to blame. The old way is to say those around you aren’t helpful. The old way is to either shout out your upset or stuff it down.

The new way is to adapt.

The new way is to adjust.

If you can’t ignore the rate of change or the amount of responsibilities on your plate, you have one other option.

You can change the way you handle stress, frustrations, and fears differently.

Ya, Ya, you’ve heard that before.

Of course, you have.

Just stay with me for a moment.

I’m going to give you the cheat sheet version of what has been taught in our leadership programs for years.

ZEN IT: Easy to say, hard to do. Practice staying in the moment. Do what is in front of you without wasting energy blaming others. No pity parties, please.

EXPLORE IT: Take time to learn what is new. Read (may I suggest my book Don’t bring It to Work), take an on-line course, get on the phone or Zoom and talk with those who have blazed the trails before you.

COMMIT TO IT: Decide that you have a great deal to give and then, don’t hold back. Give your best no matter what others are doing. Give without secretly only doing things to get rewards. Just do it.

REACH FOR IT: Stretch yourself by taking on new and challenging projects. I promise you will find that you are both able to be amazingly flexible and expandable at the same time.

LAUGH AT IT: Stress can’t stand you having fun, smiling, and laughing. Laughter changes your physiology as well as your psychology. Take a five–minute break every so often, find something on-line that makes you belly laugh and send it to a friend.

We all learned behavior patterns for handling stress from our families when we were kids. The world, we would all agree, is changing rapidly and it is time to find as many new ways to prevent stress from kicking us down as possible.

No more what-ifs or if-onlys.

Take time now to practice safe stress and help make the world a better place.

My new mini-course on safe stress is almost ready so please watch the masterclass to get some good ideas and then sign up. You and those you care about will be glad you did.

To your success,

Sylvia

Business, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Managing Stress, Stress

What are your usual coping mechanisms?

Sylvia Lafair
April 1, 2020

I did a survey asking the following question: What are your usual coping mechanisms?

Take a minute and answer it for yourself.

The responses I received went from “Eating junk food” to “Playing games online” to “Binge-watching “Tiger King” to “Mixing a batch of martinis” and on and on.

Most responses were about indulging in one way or another. Indulge means to participate in an activity that is undesirable or disapproved of and doing it much too often.

I hear you saying “Just zip it and no preaching, please. Not now. Not when I must adjust to life changes that I didn’t choose. I just want some comfort. Is that so bad?”

Nope, not bad at all.

Although, maybe, just maybe, there are more positive ways to spend your time.

We retreat to indulgences when we feel threatened and want to run to a safe, familiar place for our own survival.

That brings me to a Cherokee legend that we all need to think about. You see, when crises and change are upon us, we have choices.

There are two wolves and they are always fighting.

One is darkness and despair, the other light and hope.

Which one wins?

The one you feed!

Listen closely and you can hear LIFE requesting you to use the reset button. Right here and right now. Requesting you think differently, change your habits. Stop indulging.

Here’s a way to think about which wolf you are feeding right here and right now and what you can do differently.

There is the survival brain. And there is the creative brain.

The survival brain is vital for safety. Its goal is to keep you out of harm’s way. It is in the brain stem and the limbic system. A Key player is the amygdala (what I have named Amy Hijack). It’s responsible for detecting fear and preparing for emergency events. It then sends a message of “danger here” to the hypothalamus to trigger a fight or flight response.

The emotions in the survival brain include anxiety, anger, disappointment, shame, revenge, regret, and blame.

Many of us live there most of the time.

The creative brain is in the frontal cortex, hippocampus, basal ganglia and white matter.

The emotions here include curiosity, peacefulness, empathy, joy, calmness, ability to plan, joy and gratitude.

OKAY.

Which area of the brain do you want to feed?

Donald Hebb, a Canadian neuropsychologist said it best. Known as Hebb’s law: “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” And that means, with enough repetitions, your thoughts and behaviors become ingrained patterns.

Now, that’s a game-changer.

What does this mean to you? Yes, you. You going through changing times that require you to adapt and adjust?

It means in a short sentence, “The more we move away from fear and defeat and move toward curiosity and exploration, the more we feed the creative brain.”

Which part of your brain do you want to feed right now?

Keep an eye out for my brand new masterclass “How to Practice Safe Stress During Times of Distress” and learn the mental/emotional exercises to feed the part of your brain that will support better health and more success.

Business, Business and Life Patterns, Leadership, Leadership Strategies, Managing Stress, Stress

7 Ways to “Practice Safe Stress” during times of confusion and chaos

Sylvia Lafair
March 25, 2020

What do you do when others are driving you nuts? When you can’t seem to catch your breath because so much is being asked of you? When you must change your schedule to please others who claim to need you ‘right now’?

Do you go on the attack and say whatever comes to mind to get back at the offenders?

Or do you slide away quietly and go into hibernation, hoping that by ignoring the situation, you will be ok?

Guess what?

Attacking or retreating leads to the same place. More aggravation.

Either way, you lose!

Using these typical methods to handle stress won’t solve the problem.

Okay, you want to know what will solve the problem?

Do you want to learn how to practice safe stress?

Here are some ideas to help you gain control when you begin to wobble while responding to others.

FIRST: Where do your emotions reside? In Freakoutville or Zombieville?

FREAKOUTVILLE is filled with:

Drama kings and queens who take up all the space with their rantings
Rebels who are never willing to compromise
Superachievers who push everyone aside, so they are always first
Bully persecutors who put others down to feel good about themselves

ZOMBIEVILLE is filled with:

Procrastinators who make excuses so they cannot be held accountable
Avoiders who run in the other direction to avoid conflict
Deniers who pretend that all is fine and won’t look at difficulties
Pleasers who say yes to be liked and pretend they are happy to help

What is your primary pattern of responding?

Once you can pinpoint your typical way of responding you can learn to “reverse the curse” of getting your buttons pushed and falling victim to your own worn out, repetitive ways of responding.

Yes, it is a curse to keep getting caught in outdated, ineffective ways of behaving.

Only YOU can make the changes to get out of Freakoutville or Zombieville and get into the SAFE STRESS ZONE.

Here’s how:

1. Think like a computer: Unbridled emotions can limit confidence, communication, and creativity (the 3 C’s of success). Be like a computer and press the delete button once you see you are in the extremes of either Freakoutville or Zombieville.
2. See the pattern as AAP: It’s just ‘Another Annoying Pattern’ brought to you from the depths of your nervous system meant to keep you safe and secure when you were a kid and no longer needed.
3. Don’t feed the weed: When you pull young weeds from the garden it is super easy to get rid of them. If you feed the weeds, they will grow deep roots and you must tug and tug to get them out.
4. Stop the avalanche: Snowballs are fun to throw until they become so large you no longer have control. Maybe make a snowman and put a sock over its mouth.

Once is NOT enough: Staying in either extreme of overreacting or underreacting will continue to pop up, like pimples on a teenage face. So, keep clearing your thoughts and please don’t pick at the scabs.

Stand and be counted: Good posture helps diminish stress. Not only do you look better, but you also breathe better, and more oxygen in your body makes for a better mood. Stand, smile (even if you need to fake it at first) and in a few minutes the anger will subside.

Shrug IT OFF: Bring your shoulders to your ears and then let them drop. Do this rapidly. Inhale while you raise your shoulders and exhale when you lower. Think “Is this worth fighting or hiding” and just shrug it off as you walk into the safe stress zone to communicate effectively.

Practicing SAFE STRESS comes from being able, to tell the truth, stand for what is right, and learning how to say no without having to defend, explain or justify. You learn to be heard, accepted and appreciated.

Even better, you save your energy for what is fun and creative rather than staying stuck in anger.

Safe stress is good for you, it’s good for the world.

Business, Change, Growth, Managing Stress

Finding Peace of Mind During These Uncertain Times

Sylvia Lafair
March 18, 2020

Here is one email among many that are all requesting the same thing: peace of mind. Here is the email and how I responded.

Dear Dr. Sylvia,

I am almost frozen with fear. The news is awful, my health is fair, my finances are poor and my ability to look at this time as a “learning experience” is dwindling.

I can barely talk with my employees and stay positive. At home I have the patience of an inch worm.

How the hell do I climb out of this dark place? It looks like the bad news will keep going and going. I need to know what is happening in the world; however I really want to stop getting information since none of it looks good.

I keep talking to myself and attempting to think positive thoughts. Nothing is working. Any suggestions?

Signed,

Unhappy and unlucky

Dear Unhappy and unlucky,

You are speaking for most of us in these days of walking in the unknown. Is this a moment in time or is it Armageddon?

What comes to mind is what my dear teacher, Ram Dass used to say when asked what to do if things are really bad.

He said if it is just a moment in time “I center myself, do my best to be of service and live in the moment.”

And if it is the worst of times, he said “I center myself, do my best to be of service and live in the moment.”

I know this may not make you happy and lucky, and yet, it is the best advice I have right now.

If you are in a leadership position or an emerging leader you do need to take some deep breaths shake off the fear and be a model for others to emulate.

Here are a few suggestions:

Take time to be quiet and recalibrate.

Fear has a way of expanding into the “what if” area and the end result is “we’re all gonna die.” Then we give up, curl into a ball and wait for the worst to happen. Recalibrate. Rethink. Reengage. Yes, we’re all gonna die sooner or later. However, that is NOT the issue at hand.

It’s about finding the “pony in the manure pile.” (If you don’t know the story it’s about a little boy who is sure the pony he dreamed of getting for his birthday is there, yes there somewhere in that pile of manure).

Check your emotional temperature:

Often fear in the present is part of your past story or else part of the story from your ancestors. You do not have to repeat the story of generations gone by in the same way they did. Think about those in your family who had to endure war or a recession or serious health issues.

How did they handle trying times? Learn from them. You can change the pattern to a more positive one once you become a detective and ask about their stories.

Focus on a routine for your health:

Think before you eat or drink just to gain comfort. Sometimes the best comfort is a piece of fruit rather than a martini or glass of wine. Indulge if you must in the mashed potatoes or macaroni or pasta that remind you of easier childhood times.

However, make sure you drink water, and again, from childhood, eat your veggies.

Reach out and touch someone:

In this virtual world where social distancing is a way of being responsible please find someone you can email or call (hearing someone’s voice can be super comforting) and just say two things, ask how they are and then ask how you can be of help.

Doing for others is a way of feeling good about you too.

There is a quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt that sums up what you, as a leader need to remember today and tomorrow and then the next day “Women (all people) are like tea bags. You can’t tell how strong they are until they are in hot water.”

This is a time to think about how you and you and you, all of us begin to understand that “we’re all in it together and no one wins unless we all do.”

We are hopefully finally moving from a ‘me” to a “we” world that is just now coming into focus. Let’s all do our part and not let fear freeze us.

To your success,

Sylvia

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