Summary: When things don’t go as planned, it’s all too easy to slip into patterns of judgment, blame, or attack (JUBLA). These behaviors, however, are toxic. Not only do they escalate conflict, but they also keep you locked in a cycle of anger, frustration, and victimhood. Learn to move from victim to explorer using pattern breakthrough techniques.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I feel dreadful.
My boss and my team have been complaining about how I handle projects.
In fact, while I attempt to keep my head up and smile, inside I feel like the ultimate victim.
My basic nature is to judge, blame, and attack what you call JUBLA.
In your book “Don’t Bring It To Work, ” I know you discuss how to change the victim pattern and transform it into an explorer.
Can you please give me more tips.
I feel like I will never be respected and yes, I feel inadequate right now (sigh!).
Therefore, I would appreciate any help you can offer.
Signed,
JUBLA Lover
Dear JUBLA Lover,
Being a victim is a constant in our present society.
It is easier to blame others or blame yourself rather than explore what can bring more effective solutions.
We learn early to point fingers out there rather than do a deep dive into the root causes of feelings of victimhood
Let’s explore why JUBLA will not help and worsen things. The more you judge, blame, and attack, the harmful effects of these behaviors will keep you in a prison cell without bars.
Breaking free from the JUBLA cycle and becoming the healthy opposite, an explorer, can lead to healthier, more empowering outcomes.
What is JUBLA?
JUBLA, a term I coined, came from years of working first with families in therapy and then with executives and teams in the business world.
JUBLA refers to reactive tendencies you often fall back on when stressed or feel wronged. Rather than constructively addressing the problem, you engage in negative behaviors:
- Judging: Making quick, often harsh assumptions about others’ motivations or actions.
- Blaming: Shifting responsibility onto others, refusing to acknowledge your role in a situation.
- Attacking: Reacting with anger, sarcasm, or passive-aggressive comments in an attempt to hurt or “win” the argument.
These responses take root in unresolved stress patterns we carry from childhood to adulthood. While JUBLA may offer temporary relief, it’s like putting a Band-Aid on a deep wound—it doesn’t address the underlying issue and often worsens the situation.
Why JUBLA Only Makes You Angrier
At first glance, reacting with judgment, blame, or attack may feel like a release. You lash out, express your frustration, and momentarily feel better. But the relief is short-lived. Here’s why:
- Reinforces Negative Emotions: When you engage in JUBLA, you fuel your own anger. By focusing on what others did wrong or how they’ve hurt you, you replay the negative event over and over in your mind. This leads to a cycle where anger grows rather than dissipates.
- Creates Distance: JUBLA pushes people away. When you judge, blame, or attack, you create emotional distance between yourself and others. This often leads to feelings of isolation, which can increase your stress and intensify feelings of victimhood.
- Keeps You Stuck in Victim Mode: JUBLA reinforces the narrative that you are the victim and others are at fault. When you view yourself as powerless or at the mercy of others, it becomes nearly impossible to find solutions or move forward. Instead of taking control, you remain stuck in a cycle of frustration and helplessness.
Victim Behavior in Office Disagreements
Consider the case of Jane, who works in a busy marketing department. One day, her boss criticizes her presentation during a meeting, claiming it didn’t meet expectations. Feeling blindsided, Jane immediately starts judging her boss, thinking, “He’s always so critical. He doesn’t appreciate my hard work.”
Jane then blames her boss to her coworkers during lunch: “If he’d given me clearer instructions, this wouldn’t have happened. He set me up to fail.” Finally, she begins attacking him subtly by withholding updates and being passive-aggressive in her interactions.
What was the result? Jane’s frustration only grew. Her coworkers started to distance themselves. They did not want to be involved in office drama. Her relationship with her boss deteriorated even further, and she continued to feel wronged and victimized.
In Invisible Stress, I would suggest that Jane’s use of JUBLA intensified her emotional reaction, keeping her stuck in a loop of anger. Instead of confronting the issue constructively.
In fact, she lost the opportunity to address the feedback and improve.
Why JUBLA Keeps You Feeling Like a Victim
JUBLA keeps you feeling like a victim because it perpetuates the idea that external forces—other people’s actions or the environment—are responsible for your emotional state. When you blame others, you relinquish control over your own experience and emotional health.
Here’s why this is dangerous:
- Lack of Accountability: When you blame others, you avoid looking at your role in the situation. Without accountability, there’s no room for growth or improvement. You remain trapped, waiting for someone else to change rather than making changes yourself.
- Prevents Problem-Solving: When you’re focused on judging or attacking others, you’re not focused on finding solutions. You’re so entrenched in proving that you’ve been wronged that you miss opportunities to resolve the situation and move on.
- Externalizes Power: Viewing yourself as a victim places power outside of yourself. You start to believe that your emotional well-being depends on how others treat you, which leaves you feeling powerless and frustrated.
Becoming the Victim in Team Conflict
Mark, a team leader, was working on a major project with tight deadlines. He delegated a key part of the project to Sarah, but when it was time for submission, Sarah’s portion was incomplete. Mark felt furious. He immediately judged Sarah: “She’s lazy and unreliable.” He blamed her for jeopardizing the entire project, venting to his colleagues: “This is all her fault. She never follows through.”
Then Mark attacked Sarah during a team meeting, calling her out in front of everyone, hoping to shame her into improving. The outcome? Sarah shut down, feeling humiliated, and the team’s morale took a nosedive. Mark continued to feel resentful and powerless, believing that Sarah’s failure had undermined his leadership.
In this case, Mark’s JUBLA behavior only deepened the conflict. He didn’t solve the issue; he simply inflamed it. Instead of holding a constructive conversation to understand why Sarah’s work was incomplete, he focused on making her the villain. As a result, the project suffered, and Mark felt angrier and more victimized.
How to Break Free from JUBLA
Breaking free from JUBLA requires conscious effort and a willingness to address your emotional responses. Instead of judging, blaming, or attacking, here are healthier ways to respond to conflict and stress:
- Self-Reflection: The first step is to recognize when you’re slipping into JUBLA. Ask yourself, “Am I judging, blaming, or attacking right now?” By becoming aware of your behavior, you can take steps to change it.
- Take Responsibility: Instead of blaming others, look for ways you may have contributed to the situation. Taking responsibility doesn’t mean taking all the blame—it means acknowledging your role and focusing on what you can control.
- Empathy and Understanding: Try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. Instead of attacking, approach them with empathy and curiosity. This can defuse tension and lead to more productive conversations.
- Problem-Solving Mindset: Shift your focus from blame to solutions. Ask yourself, “What can I do to resolve this issue?” By taking a proactive approach, you empower yourself to move forward.
From Victim to Explorer: The Conflict Resolution
Consider Monica. She was frustrated with a coworker who repeatedly missed deadlines. Instead of blaming or attacking him, she took a different approach. She paused, reflected on her emotions, and asked herself if there were any factors she hadn’t considered.
Finally, Monica realized her coworker might need help with expectations.
Monica decided to have a calm, constructive conversation.
Moving from victim to explorer, she expressed her concerns without blaming.
A meaningful conversation ensued, “I’ve noticed the last few deadlines were missed. This has me worried about how it’s impacting the team. Can we discuss what’s happening and how we can work together to improve?”
By approaching the issue with empathy and a problem-solving mindset, Monica’s coworker opened up about his workload struggles, and they worked together to find a solution. Not only did this resolve the immediate problem, but it also strengthened their working relationship.
Take Back Your Power: Transform Victim Mindset to Explorer Mindset
JUBLA may feel satisfying in the moment, but it ultimately keeps you locked in anger and victimhood.
By judging, blaming, or attacking, you place your emotional well-being in the hands of others, preventing yourself from finding solutions and growth.
As illustrated in Invisible Stress: It’s NOT What YOU Think, breaking free from JUBLA requires self-awareness, empathy, and a focus on problem-solving.
Next time you feel the urge to judge, blame, or attack, pause and reflect. Ask yourself how you can take responsibility, approach the situation with empathy, and focus on resolving the issue. By doing so, you’ll reduce your stress, improve your relationships, and regain control over your emotional state.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS. Here’s another idea: Based on my best-selling book,” Invisible Stress: It’s NOT What YOU Think,” the four-module online STRESS BUSTERS program provides many ways to escape ingrained patterns. Individuals use it, and it is equally effective for teams. Then they can Observe, Understand, and Transform what is outdated and ineffective. Please don’t hesitate to contact us for a special team discount.
