Dear Conflict Avoider, I’d like to offer a few tidbits about conflict and how to handle that nasty thing that drives us all to hide under the covers.
For example, When I was a keynote speaker about conflict, I often asked how many people love competition. I ask that question, and in a room of 50 or 200, two or three people raise their hands.
Conflict gets most folks to feel tight inside. It scares us and makes us want to run the other way.
Often, it feels like it must be my fault. Many of us ask ourselves, “Is it always my fault?”
We often blame others for conflict and never look inward.
So, listen for just a minute. At work, we often feel discounted, ignored, and pushed aside because somebody else is trying to climb the ladder of success. You can’t blame them for climbing the ladder of success, but you must know how to manage that. It’s like training wild horses and learning how to teach them to behave appropriately.
So, what does that all mean? It means you don’t run away.
You don’t get into it with them.
It’s essential to stay very centered.
Deep breathing helps.
The key is to ask questions.
Go directly to the source and, again, start by asking questions.
So, what do you do once you go to the person? Well, you have to talk to them.
Okay, so here’s the way you do it.
Communication is always a two-way street. No JUBLA! NO Judgment, blame, or attack.
You start there in two ways.
Firstly, tell them how you feel about things you know. “When you tell me my work isn’t good enough, I feel frustrated, discounted, upset, whatever your word is, and then what I do. What I have done is. Usually, I shut down and push away. I pull the curtain down to protect myself. Then, I speak to my friends to figure out what to do next.
However, I want to get to the source, and this time, I want to talk with you. We can figure out what is causing tension by talking together.”
That’s it.
That’s all you have to say, and then you zip it. Get quiet, listen to them. Wait for their response.
At some point, if you feel courageous, say, “I want to have a relationship with you that works.”
“I can’t work with him or her, and I’m leaving the job,” and I have found that often you go into another job, and there’s another one right there. So, the question here is, what can we do to make our relationship work better?
Collaboration is successful when conflict is tackled.
So, tackle this. Learn how to handle it. Learn to look at the essence of conflict, and when the stress hits the hot button, know that you always tend to revert to patterns you used in your younger years to protect yourself.
This isn’t about protection. It’s about understanding and honest dialogue. It’s about creating a new way to communicate.
I’d love you to contact me at CEOptions.com. I’d love to hear from you. We have an incredible staff of coaches who can work with you. One of our essential skills is helping people learn to handle conflict so that they can change things from being nasty and annoying.
Consequently, this helps move to the next level of collaboration.
It’s doable. It’s workable, and we all need to learn it.
Here’s to your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS. Email me at sylvia @ceoptions.com, and I will send you a complimentary copy of “Communicate to Collaborate.”
