Dear Dr. Sylvia,
Everyone has secondhand stress these days. It’s not that different than getting sick from someone smoking near you.
I can be happy and positive, and then someone will enter the meeting with a frown and a bag full of negatives, and suddenly, my smile leaves, and I can feel that annoying knot in the pit of my stomach.
For instance, I know that these days, most of us feel a lot of tension and worry about how to get work done and complete what needs to be handled at home.
It seems we are always bracing for bad news.
In your book “Invisible Stress: It’s NOT What YOU Think,” you discuss what we learned for security and survival as children.
When NOTS turn to KNOTS, you are in the world of secondhand stress
Is secondhand stress similar? Are we still playing out old, ingraned behavior patterns without realizing. it?
As I was writing this, I realized that whenever my dad came home from work late and tired, I would start to get that same knot in the same place in the pit of my stomach.
I am so tired of feeling like I will fall off the side of the cliff, even when there is no cliff near me.
How do I stay in a positive place when so many around me are like Debbie Downer on Saturday Night Live?
Signed,
Nail-biting Nervous Nellie,
Dear Nellie,
Yes, secondhand stress is real and often seems like a variation of another pandemic.
It rages far and wide, and no one is immune to its ravages.
For example,I watched a compelling series on Netflix called “The Tattooist from Auschwitz.”
It is a historical drama about the atrocities and desire to survive in the concentration camp during The Second World War.
It is also a story of love and hope.
I would wake in the middle of the night and feel anxiety and stress. The actors made the film come alive. While I knew it was a reinvention of actual events, it felt real and dreadful. What I watched caused deep sadness to creep into my nervous system.
With social media and so many ways to get today’s news, it is difficult to brush secondhand stress under the carpet.
Therefore, let’s dive into secondhand stress, where it comes from, and, most importantly, how to protect yourself from its sneaky grip.
What Is Secondhand Stress?
Secondhand stress is the emotional and physiological toll you experience when you pick up on the stress of those around you. Much like secondhand smoke, it’s not your stress—but you’re still affected.
Humans are hardwired to empathize; it’s part of our survival mechanism. Mirror neurons in the brain allow us to understand and even mimic the emotions of others. While this can create deep connections, it also opens the door for stress to spread like wildfire in environments where tension runs high.
Where Does Secondhand Stress Come From?
Secondhand stress can emanate from a variety of sources. Here are the most common culprits:
1. The Workplace: Deadlines, demanding bosses, and office politics create a fertile ground for stress to ripple through teams. Even if you’re personally calm, a frazzled coworker pacing the hallway or sighing loudly can set your nerves on edge.
2. Relationships: When a loved one is stressed, you naturally want to help. However, their frustration, worry, or anger can become yours, especially if you don’t set emotional boundaries.
3. Social Media: Scrolling through endless posts about societal crises, bad news, or even friends venting about their problems can transfer stress directly to you.
4. Public Spaces: Have you ever felt uneasy in a chaotic crowd or while witnessing someone argue in public? These are prime situations for absorbing secondhand stress from strangers.
5. The Digital World: Video calls and emails may seem harmless, but they’re not immune to transmitting stress. A terse email or a colleague’s anxious tone during a meeting can leave you feeling unsettled.
How Secondhand Stress Affects You
The effects of secondhand stress can mirror those of direct stress, including:
- Increased heart rate
- Elevated cortisol levels
- Difficulty concentrating
- Emotional exhaustion
Over time, this can lead to burnout, strained relationships, and even physical health issues like headaches or digestive problems. Recognizing the signs early is crucial to maintaining your emotional and physical well-being.
How to Protect Yourself from Secondhand Stress
You can’t control the stress levels of others, but you can control how you respond. Here are practical strategies to shield yourself:
1. Practice Emotional Detachment: Empathy is a gift, but over-empathizing can drain you. Practice distinguishing between someone else’s emotions and your own. Repeat this mantra: “Their stress is not my stress.”
2. Set Boundaries: When someone is venting, listen with compassion, but don’t let their stress invade your space. Politely excuse yourself if the conversation becomes overwhelming.
3. Develop a Stress-Resistant Mindset: Engage in activities that strengthen your mental resilience, such as mindfulness meditation, yoga, or journaling. These practices help you stay grounded when stress threatens to spill over.
4. Regulate Your Environment: When possible, take breaks from high-stress environments. A walk outside or a few moments in a quiet room can help reset your energy.
5. Cultivate Positive Energy: Surround yourself with positive people who you trust and you can talk with about the stress you feel.
6. Limit Screen Time: Be intentional about your social media and news consumption. Set time limits or follow accounts that inspire and uplift rather than agitate.
7. Prioritize Self-Care: Make time for activities that replenish your energy, like exercise, hobbies, or spending time with loved ones. The more balanced you feel, the less likely you are to absorb others’ stress.
How to Help Others Without Absorbing Their Stress
If you’re someone who naturally wants to help, here’s how you can support others without taking on their emotional baggage:
- Offer Solutions, Not Sympathy: Instead of dwelling on the problem with them, guide the conversation toward actionable steps.
- Encourage Stress-Relief Activities: Suggest shared activities like a walk, a laugh, or a mindfulness exercise.
- Be a Mirror, Not a Sponge: Reflect their concerns without letting them penetrate your emotional core.
The Ripple Effect of Managing Secondhand Stress
When you master the art of protecting yourself from secondhand stress, you not only improve your own well-being but also influence others. Your calm, centered energy can create a ripple effect, encouraging those around you to manage their stress better too.
Remember, stress doesn’t have to be contagious. By staying mindful, setting boundaries, and cultivating resilience, you can create a buffer between yourself and the storm of stress swirling around you.
Regain control and stay strong by knowing “This too shall pass”
In conclusion, secondhand stress is an invisible force that can quietly derail your peace of mind. But by recognizing it and implementing strategies to protect yourself, you can regain control and thrive in even the most stress-prone environments.
What steps will you take today to protect yourself from secondhand stress? Let us know in the comments below—your insights might just inspire someone else to take action!
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS. Get a deeper understanding of the role of stress in your life, including the good stress (eustress) and the patterns from childhood that make you feel fearful and tense. In “Invisible Stress: It’s NOT What YOU Think,” I show you the OUT Technique, where you learn to Observe, Understand, and Transform the core issues around extreme stress and how to harness it.
