Summary: Have you ever lashed out at someone who doesn’t deserve it? Or overextended kindness in a situation where you need firm boundaries? These are two common behaviors in both personal and professional life—misdirected anger and misdirected caring. They may seem like opposites, but they stem from the same root cause: unresolved patterns that cause emotions to land in the wrong place.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I almot kicked my dog when I got home from work today.
What a mean and uncalled for action!
However, I was so mad at my boss that I needed to vent my anger.
There was no time to go to the gym or out for a run.
The poor dog had been home alone for much of the afternoon. The story continues. Think about your dog, if you have one. What happens if the floor is wet? Especially when you are tired and feel defeated?
Sometimes, there is an innocent victim. Sad but true.
I know you discuss misplaced anger. As I look at my reactions, I know I must become more effective with my emotions. Therefore, I need some quick ideas to reframe my behavior when I am upset.
Another big issue is that I am up for a promotion and will be a senior vice president with a large team.
Help please.
Signed,
Dog Lover
Dear Dog Lover,
You are certainly not the first and will not be the last to take out upset where it doesn’t belong.
Of course, learning better ways of responding to upset is vital.
In leadership, this can have significant consequences.
Leaders who misplace anger can create toxic environments, while those who misplace caring can foster dependency instead of growth.
The key to effective leadership and healthy relationships is learning where these emotions truly belong and how to redirect them appropriately.
What is Misdirected Anger?
Misdirected anger happens when frustration, fear, or stress isn’t addressed at its source. Instead, it spills out onto unrelated people or situations.
For example, think of a boss frustrated by their lack of control in a company but nitpicking employees over minor mistakes. Or consider a team member who is stressed at home but starts snapping at colleagues.
Patterns That Drive Misdirected Anger
- The Persecutor/Tyrant Pattern: Leaders who operate from this pattern use anger as a form of control. They lash out at subordinates instead of addressing the deeper fears driving their frustration.
- The Victim Pattern: Instead of dealing with anger directly, some suppress it until it boils over in passive-aggressive ways.
- The Splitter Pattern: Individuals caught in this pattern see things as “all good” or “all bad,” blaming others when things don’t go their way.
In all cases, the anger is not truly about the person receiving it—it’s about unresolved stress from elsewhere.
YOu can get a great view of these stress-related patterns in “Invisible Stress: It’s NOT What YOU Think.” There is a free chapter on the home page of my website at www.ceoptions.com.
How to Redirect Anger Correctly
- Identify the Real Source – Ask yourself: Who or what am I actually angry at? If the answer isn’t the person you’re lashing out at, pause before reacting.
- Practice Safe Stress Management – Exercise, deep breathing, or journaling can help you process anger before it misfires.
- Use the 24-Hour Rule – When anger surfaces, wait a full day before responding. This prevents reactive, misplaced emotional outbursts.
- Express, Don’t Attack – Instead of blaming, use statements like “I feel frustrated because…” to communicate the real issue.
What is Misdirected Caring?
Misdirected caring is when we invest time, energy, or emotions into people or situations where they don’t belong.
It often comes from a good place but can lead to unintended harm.
A leader who takes on employees’ personal problems instead of holding them accountable can foster dependency instead of empowerment. A parent who does too much for their child robs them of independence.
Patterns Drive Misdirected Caring
- The Rescuer Pattern: This pattern, rooted in the need to “save” others is not helpful. Leaders caught in this dynamic often take on their employees’ work instead of guiding them.
- The Pleaser Pattern: Some leaders care too much about being liked. Pleasers avoid tough conversations. This results in inefficiency and a lack of accountability.
- The Martyr Pattern: People with this pattern overextend themselves, believing that sacrificing their own well-being for others is a virtue. Over time, this leads to burnout and resentment.
How to Redirect Caring Correctly
- Set Boundaries – Before stepping in to help, ask: Is this my responsibility? If not, step back.
- Empower, Don’t Enable – Teach people how to solve problems instead of doing it for them. Encourage self-sufficiency.
- Check Your Motivation – Are you helping because it’s truly needed, or because it makes you feel good? If it’s the latter, reconsider.
- Balance Compassion with Tough Love – The best leaders challenge others to grow instead of shielding them from discomfort.
Why Misdirected Anger and Misdirected Caring Are the Same
In conclusion, at first glance, anger and caring seem like opposites—one is aggressive, and the other is nurturing. But in reality, they are both misplaced energy.
Also, when anger is misdirected, the wrong person or problem is punished. Think about the poor dog or a family member that gets all the grief they dont deserve.
Consider that when caring is misdirected, it shields people from necessary growth.
Both are driven by unresolved patterns from the past that distort how you express emotions.
Please remember, neither is about the present moment. T
They are reactions rooted in old habits, fears, and unconscious behaviors.
The Key Shift: Directing Emotions Where They Belong
- Instead of lashing out in anger → Address the real problem directly.
- Instead of over-caring for others → Let them take responsibility for their own growth.
- Instead of repeating old patterns → Become conscious of when emotions are misplaced.
The best leaders understand that emotions are powerful tools when directed correctly. When you catch yourself misplacing anger or caring, pause and ask:
- Where does this emotion really belong?
- Am I solving the real problem or reacting from habit?
- How can I express this emotion in a way that creates growth instead of damage?
Leadership, like life, is about awareness, responsibility, and transformation. When you start recognizing misdirected anger and caring for what they truly are—signals of unresolved stress—you can channel them productively.
And that’s how you move from reacting to leading.
You Win When You Direct Your Emotions to the Right Situation
Think about your last frustrating moment at work. Were you angry at the right person or situation? Or was it misdirected?
Now, think about the last time you helped someone. Did it empower them, or did it enable them?
The answers to these questions could be the key to transforming your leadership—and your life.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS. Learning about outdated patterns and how to transform them is life-changing. My award-winning book, “Don’t Bring It To Work,” has action-oriented ideas on changing those nagging ingrained behavior patterns for long-term success.
