Summary: Father’s Day appears on the calendar, and for some, it’s all about gratitude and grilled steaks. For others, it’s confusion, avoidance, or grief. And for many, it’s both. Here are thoughts for you to consider.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
Father’s Day hits me like a wave I can’t predict. Sometimes I feel nothing, sometimes I want to scream, and sometimes I overwork to outrun the emotions. Here’s the truth: my father was never really a part of my life. My mother called him “just a sperm donor,” and proudly raised me on her own. She even walked me down the aisle at my wedding. And while I admire her strength, there’s a hollow space I can’t quite name.
Now, as a senior VP in a fast-paced marketing firm, I find myself unconsciously orbiting around my male CEO. He’s the polished, successful, emotionally unavailable type. He’s what I envision my birth dad to be. And, not surprisingly, I am constantly trying to impress him. I crave his approval more than any performance review or promotion. When he praises someone else, it feels like a punch to the gut.
I’ve become hyper-competitive with my team. When he recognizes someone else, there is a quiet rage in my eyes.
They back away from me and stop sharing ideas. They see me as a threat.
And here’s what scares me most: I’m newly married, and I fear a future where I might compete with my own children for my husband’s attention. That thought terrifies me.
I came across your blog, The Daddy Wars, and felt like you might finally be naming what many of us silently carry. Can you help me see this pattern clearly, and tell me what to do about it before it wrecks both my career and my future family?
Signed,
Too Driven, Too Lonely, and Finally Ready to Face the Past
How Fathers Help Shape The Adult We Become
Dear Too Driven,
Your question speaks for so many of us.
It is interesting how easily we can substitute the father who was not there or disappointed us with other men in our lives.
The relationship we have, or didn’t have, with our fathers leaves an invisible trail that extends right into the workplace. It threads through how we take feedback, how we manage power, and even how we handle success. That’s not sentimental psychology. That’s straight-up leadership DNA.
Dad Was the First Boss You Ever Knew
He may have been:
- Strong and silent.
- Loud and unpredictable.
- Warm and nurturing.
- Or just… not there.
But even in his absence, he left a presence. Because praised or punished, overlooked or overprotected, your nervous system was learning:
“This is what authority looks like.”
“Maybe this is how I stay safe.”
I know this is how I earn approval.”
Then you grew up. Got a job. Built a business. Led a team. And there he was, still in the room. In the way you flinch at criticism. In the pressure you feel to always do more in your desire to be seen, respected, and never, ever fail.
It’s Not About Blame. It’s About Patterns.
Let’s be clear: This isn’t about turning Dad into the villain in your story. It’s about becoming the author of your own story.
Leadership isn’t just about KPIs and strategy decks. It’s about self-awareness. And if you’re leading others while unconsciously re-enacting unresolved dynamics from childhood, you’re not truly free.
Father’s Day Can Be a Chance to Pause and Ask Ourselves
- What did I admire most in my father?
- Why did I long for approval I never got?
- Is there part of that story that I am still carrying?
- And most importantly… is it serving me now?
How Fathers Shape Leaders by Turning Wounds Into Wisdom
Some of the most impactful leaders I’ve worked with had to confront painful truths about their father-child relationship before they could lead with clarity and confidence. Once they named it, they could change it.
- One exec realized his need to dominate every meeting came from a dad who never listened.
- A founder uncovered that her impostor syndrome was rooted in her father’s belief that girls should “stay quiet and stay pretty.”
- Another broke a decades-old silence and finally had the conversation with his aging father that freed them both.
The healing doesn’t require a Hallmark ending. It requires honesty.
This Father’s Day, Celebrate the Truth
For example, if your relationship with your father is beautiful, celebrate it.
And, if it’s strained, honor your growth.
Finally, if he’s no longer here, consider the impact, whether good or bad.
And if you’re a father yourself, ask: What do I want my legacy to be, not just as a dad, but as a leader my children will remember?
Your Leadership Begins With Your Original Organization, Your Family.
Let this Father’s Day be more than just a card or a call; let it be a conscious step in completing what needs to be done and appreciating what shaped you.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS. Read my award-winning book, Don’t Bring It to Work: Breaking the Family Patterns That Limit Success. Or better yet, contact us for a complimentary coaching session to put you on the right path.
