Summary: Let’s call it out. The biggest addiction in the world isn’t sugar, caffeine, alcohol, or your phone.
It’s not even power. Let’s discuss what more people are addicted to than anything else.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
No matter how many communication and conflict resolution programs we do at my company, there is still way too much in-fighting.
The head of HR is frustrated, and so am I.
Dan, from HR, said we should do a detox, but what exactly are we detoxing from?
Sugar is easy; use stevia. Caffeine, switch to decaf, or even mushroom coffee. Alcohol is more complex, yet there are many solutions. The phone, put it in a bin at work to be picked up on the way out.
I know a therapist or a rehab will help with stronger drugs. Think of intervention, like John Mulaney.
Yet, the complaining, finger-pointing, and gossip are hard for most to delete.
Help please,
Signed,
Enough Already
Dear Enough Already,
It seems that everyone, regardless of where they live or what type of work they do, is addicted to some form of fighting.
Yes, good old knock-down, drag-out, finger-pointing, truth-twisting, never-ending, stress-drenched fighting.
Would you rather be right or happy?
We’re addicted to being right, even if it costs us our relationships, our health, or our sanity. This article from HBR explains why the brain actually rewards us for “winning,” even in toxic ways.
We fight in boardrooms, bedrooms, break rooms, and even bathrooms (thanks, social media trolls).
And we wear our outrage like a badge of honor.
But here’s the kicker: Fighting isn’t always about the surface issue; it’s about ancient patterns seeking a place to land.
It can start at the kitchen table, hurrying children to finish so you can get them to school while you grab a cup of coffee and a gluten free muffin.
Perhaps you’re in the car listening to a podcast when some nasty individual cuts in front of you with a middle finger waving in the air.
Someone hits a nerve and you’re off to the races.
What Happens When You Are Ready to Fight?
You’re reliving old stories.
Family patterns. Childhood wounds. Invisible stress.
Consider this: you are at your desk and have only a few emails to address. You get angry. Were you upset about missing one email?
Or, were you mad because it echoed something old? Something familiar. Something unresolved.
We fight not because we want to, but because we don’t know any other way to feel seen, safe, or significant.
Welcome to The Pattern Trap
Here’s where my pattern work enters like a truth-seeking missile.
In Don’t Bring It To Work you get the thirteen behavior patterns that emerge at work and home, like clockwork. You can also explore them in depth in this post on common destructive behavior patterns. When fighting becomes an addiction, you can bet patterns like these are playing lead roles:
- The Persecutor: Always has a finger to point and a wound to protect.
- The Victim: Thrives in the unfairness of life and keeps score better than Vegas bookies.
- The Rescuer: Swoops in, creates dependency, then gets resentful when no one says thank you.
And let’s not forget The Splitter, who whispers, “You’re either with me or against me,” and creates chaos faster than a TikTok challenge gone viral.
Fighting becomes a familiar dance.
It’s like a hit of adrenaline. Think of it like a cycle of stress; it feels like control, but is really chaos.
It’s not just a pattern. Consider it is a system.
A system that feeds itself unless we choose to interrupt it.
Why “Just Be Nice” Isn’t the Answer
Let’s be real: platitudes don’t work.
Telling someone during a conflict to “just calm down” is like telling a volcano to relax.
If you want to truly break the addiction to fighting, you need more than a mindfulness app and a scented candle.
You need to get to the origin of the pattern.
Where did it start? Who modeled it for you? What role did you play in surviving it?
And more importantly, how do you complete it instead of repeating it?
This breakdown of how patterns differ from habit can help uncover why you react the way you do and what keeps the cycle alive.
Greater Good Science Center also offers helpful tools to cool defensiveness one of the gateway behaviors to fight addiction.
Here’s What to Do (And It’s Not What You Think)
- Name the Pattern, Not the Person
Instead of calling your colleague “controlling” or “a nightmare,” try this:
Ask yourself which pattern is showing up. Is it the Clown deflecting with sarcasm? The Martyr exhausting everyone with overdoing?
Naming the pattern gives you power without escalating the fight. - Pause the Pattern Replay
When you feel the heat rise, pause. Literally.
Breathe.
Say to yourself: “Is this current or historical?”
That single question can disrupt decades of drama. - Talk to the Story Behind the Behavior
Instead of reacting to the latest flare-up, get curious. What’s the story under the story?
“I wonder what made them feel unheard.”
“I wonder what old tape this situation is playing for me.”
Compassion isn’t weakness. It’s the only way out of the addiction loop. - Shift from Rescuer to Mentor
Most fighters are secretly trying to rescue themselves.
When you’ve done your pattern work, you can rise above the chaos and mentor instead of meddle. - Think of the wat OUT: Observe, Understand, Transform
Guide. Don’t grab.
Invite. Don’t insist.
Empower. Don’t enable.
Fighting Feels Familiar, But That Doesn’t Mean It’s Healthy
Let’s face it, most of us were raised in some version of a battlefield.
Perhaps it was a cold war marked by icy silence.
Maybe it was a house full of shouting matches and slammed doors.
And now?
We bring those unhealed patterns into every team meeting, family gathering, and holiday dinner.
The only way out is through. Read about how stress impacts your desire to fight in Invisible Stress(It’s NOT What YOU Think, through awareness. Also, through accountability. And primarily, through transformation.
We don’t need more warriors. What We need are more pattern pioneers.
People who stop mid-conflict and say,
“Wait. This is familiar. This is old. I’m ready to choose differently.”
And no, you don’t have to become a doormat or play nice with tyrants.
You can become stronger than the fight by observing the pattern, understanding it, and transforming it.
One Last Thought
If fighting is the world’s biggest addiction, then curiosity is the antidote.
Next time you feel the urge to lash out, ask:
“What’s really going on here?”
And more importantly,
“What pattern am I finally ready to transform?”
That’s where true leadership begins.
Not with control.
But with the courage to break the cycle.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS. Have you ever realized mid-argument that you weren’t actually mad about that thing, but something deeper?
Which pattern do you think shows up most in workplace conflicts? Please email me at sylvia@ceoptions.com for the list of the 13 most common patterns at home and work.
Comment below and let’s name it to tame it.
