Summary: You’ve heard the advice before: “Just let them be. ”You can’t change people. “Ignore them and move on.”Sure, there’s a time for inner work. There’s also a time to get off the meditation cushion and actually speak up. Let’s get real: thinking about how you feel isn’t the same as doing something about it.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
My workplace has become so quiet and polite that everything is in muted shades of tan and grey.
No bold talk, and also limited creativity.
I used to love the discussions when there were disagreements. Even some salty language. Yet, even with toxic co-workers, we would solve problems and find new solutions to old problems.
Not right now. A recent online program for leadership communication skills (not yours) has led us down a very boring rabbit hole. We are so polite and careful that we keep any ideas that may spark controversy at bay.
I know when I was in your Total Leadership Connections program, there were times of conflict, when we had to take deep breaths and then continue talking truth.
I always saw that path to truth as leadership accountability.
I would appreciate some comments on how being overly friendly and polite can be destructive to the creative edge at work.
Signed,
Former “Loud Mouth”
What Happens When You Talk to ’em.
Dear Former “Loud Mouth:”
I have seen in many of the companies we are helping to move to new heights of productivity and success that some are afraid to speak out and be heard.
There’s a prevailing belief circulating in the workplace lately, especially among leadership circles, that inner peace is equated with external success.
That if you journal enough, meditate enough, detach enough, you’ll float above the drama.
Guess what? You’re not a helium balloon. You’re a leader.
And leadership means taking action, not just being aware.
When “Letting Them Be” Becomes a Cop-Out
You’ve got that one coworker or team member, the super achiever, who takes credit for your ideas or the splitter, who undermines you in meetings.
Then there is the procrastinator who always drops the ball and expects you to pick it up. And then there is the rebel who radiates bad vibes like a broken microwave
The old school says: Fix ’em.
The new school says: Let ’em.
Somewhere in between is the sulking crowd who say: Hate ’em or ignore ’em.
ACTION IS THE NEW ALIGNMENT
Emotional intelligence isn’t about stuffing your feelings and smiling like a decorative pillow. It’s about choosing your moment, grounding your thoughts, and communicating with clarity.
Yes, that’s emotional intelligence at work, even when your palms are sweaty.
“Letting go” without ever engaging is like walking away from a dirty kitchen and hoping it scrubs itself. Spoiler: the mold wins.
Here’s what to try instead.
Instead of “Let ‘Em Be”… “Talk to ‘Em with Leadership Language”
Here is an example of what to say: Say,
“When you did ____, I felt ____ because it impacted ____. I’d like us to figure out a better way.”
It’s not soft. It’s not weak. It’s high-level workplace communication, or as I like to call it, “leadership in motion.”
Instead of being a martyr and letting resentment simmer like a crock pot, or becoming the drama queen (or king) and plotting your dramatic exit, here’s a better solution.
Try… a grown-up conversation.
Why This Works (Even If They’re a Drama King/Queen or a Persecutor/ Petty Tyrant)
Your silence doesn’t earn respect. It earns confusion, or worse, permission.
Your role as a leader or aspiring leader isn’t to be liked. It’s essential to be transparent, honest, and willing to engage without resorting to attack.
The paradox is that those qualities will guarantee you will be respected, and liked.
When you speak up with dignity and directness, three things happen:
- You release the emotional build-up without dumping it on anyone.
- You model what honest leadership communication looks like.
- You give the other person a chance to shift, even if just a little.
Is it guaranteed to work? Nope. But letting things fester guarantees nothing changes.
You’re Not a Doormat or a Drill Sergeant
Let’s retire the extremes: They all start to sound dull and tired, like, “I’ll just rise above it. ”Or perhaps out of the revenge file, “I’ll tear them a new one.”
How about: “I’ll tell the truth, clearly, kindly, and directly.”
That’s the new standard of leadership. That’s what breaks patterns and builds power.
Action Speaks Louder Than Overthinking
Reflecting on a conversation doesn’t have the same impact as actually having it.
Trying to fix people isn’t your job. However, ignoring bad behavior isn’t a sign of effective leadership. It’s avoidance in a business suit.
This week, if there’s someone you’ve been “letting be”…
Talk to ’em.
And if you’re not sure how to start that conversation, that’s exactly what we explore inside the Pattern Pioneers membership, because leadership doesn’t grow in silence.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS. Want support with the hard conversations? Email me at sylvia@ceoptions.com for information on becoming a founding member of my new membership site, Pattern Pioneers. There will be numerous ways to break old patterns and lead with clarity, courage, and connection, along with monthly Zoom calls led by me and our team of coaches.
