Summary: Many people grow up in unpredictable homes, where moods shift without warning, where you have to “read the room” to stay safe. In those environments, children often learn hypervigilance: a heightened awareness of potential threats, emotional cues, or shifts in tone. It’s a survival strategy that keeps individuals alert and adaptable.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
For a long time, I thought my anxiety at work was just about being a “super achiever.” I told myself I was detail-oriented, someone who cared deeply. But the truth is, much of what appeared to be professionalism was hypervigilance, the same survival skill I learned growing up in a house that was anything but calm.
Interestingly, I chose a career in a very high-stress area, not realizing until I was in your Total Leadership Connections Program that I was comfortable with the familiarity of chaos from my youth.
The Ways Hypervigilance Sneaks In
When I participated in the program and created my pattern-breaking “SANKOFA MAP,” I understood why my heart would often start racing over minor issues, such as a boss’s brief feedback, a coworker’s tone, or a team meeting that suddenly felt “off.” My mind jumped into detective mode: Did I do something wrong? Should I fix it? Do I need to smooth things over?
I often found myself over-preparing for projects, rewriting emails multiple times to ensure they sound “just right,” and trying to manage everyone’s emotional state to prevent anything from going sideways. I told myself I’m being responsible, but really, I’m trying to control chaos that doesn’t even exist.
Because somewhere inside me, calm still felt suspicious. Calm was always the quiet before the storm.
The Toll of Constant Readiness
It was exhausting to live like that. Even when nothing was wrong, my body acted as if something were. I stayed braced, waiting for impact. I went home after a typical day and felt like I’d run a marathon, just from managing everyone’s imaginary moods.
The most challenging part was that people often praised me for it. “You’re the ‘rock’ of the team. The reliable one. The one who always knows what’s happening.” But inside, I felt tight, tired, and a little scared, afraid that if I stopped paying attention, everything would fall apart.
Introducing “The Martyr” Pattern
I was named “The Martyr” for always taking on more than my share of work and being the warning signal when situations were ready to go out of control. That is when I was at my best!
I would appreciate any thoughts that I can share with my leadership team to help others who exhibit this pattern of response.
Better yet, I know you also like to give options to transform the ingrained, outdated patterns from the past. What happens to a transformed martyr?
Signed,
Better Now
The Roots of Hypervigilance
Dear Better Now
Many people grow up in unpredictable homes, where moods shift without warning, where you have to “read the room” to stay safe. In those environments, children often learn hypervigilance: a heightened awareness of potential threats, emotional cues, or shifts in tone. It’s a survival strategy that keeps them alert and adaptable.
But when those same children grow up and enter the workplace, that same vigilance doesn’t just disappear; it often becomes part of their professional identity. They become “The Martyr,” where they have to save themselves and everyone around them.
Hypervigilance Is More Than Paying Close Attention
It’s the nervous system’s way of saying, “We can’t afford to be caught off guard.” For children in chaotic households, those with unpredictable parents, conflict, addiction, or neglect, it becomes second nature to monitor everyone’s moods, anticipate danger, and manage tension before it escalates.
And the most challenging part is that people often praise you for it. You’re the “rock” of the team. The reliable one. The one who always knows what’s happening. But inside, you’re tight, tired, and a little scared, afraid that if you stop paying attention, everything will fall apart.
Where Hypervigilance Is Vital: In The Military
Here is another way to look at the power of hypervigilance. The military trains for hypervigilance as a necessary skill for combat. Heightened awareness of surroundings, constant scanning for threats, and sensory awareness can be lifesaving. However, it can become PTSD in post-military life. And it will continue to show up in civilian work settings,
How It Shows Up at Work
Constant Monitoring of Others
Adults who grew up hypervigilant may unconsciously scan their boss’s tone, coworkers’ facial expressions, or the vibe of every meeting. They might replay interactions later, trying to decode what people “really meant.”
Over-Responsibility
Because chaos once meant danger, these individuals may feel an intense need to “hold things together.” They volunteer for extra work, overcorrect mistakes, or manage others’ emotions to keep the peace.
Perfectionism and Control
In unpredictable homes, control was safety. At work, this can manifest as meticulousness, over-preparation, or anxiety when others fail to meet their standards.
Difficulty Relaxing or Trusting Stability
Even in calm workplaces, hypervigilant adults may expect the other shoe to drop. They stay braced for criticism, layoffs, or conflict, because calm once felt like the quiet before a storm.
Emotional Burnout
Constant alertness is exhausting. Over time, it can lead to fatigue, resentment, or physical stress symptoms, such as tension, insomnia, or stomach issues.
The Hidden Strengths of The Martyr
It’s not all downsides. Hypervigilant individuals often have extraordinary emotional intelligence.
The good news is that with attention, “The Martyr” pattern can transform into “The Integrator.”
That means they will divide the workload and help others see that working together achieves more than relying on one person to carry the main load.
For example, they help others notice subtle shifts in group dynamics, anticipate problems, and excel in crisis management. These traits can make them exceptional leaders, coaches, project managers, or negotiators, as long as they learn when to turn off the vigilance.
Healing and Relearning Safety
Recognizing hypervigilance at work isn’t about shame; it’s about awareness. You can begin to ask:
“What am I afraid will happen if I don’t stay in control?”
“Is this situation truly unsafe, or does it just feel familiar?”
“Can I let my nervous system rest, even briefly, during the day?”
Therapy, mindfulness, and somatic practices can help the body learn what safety feels like, so alertness becomes a choice, not a reflex.
Final Thoughts: Become an Integrator
Hypervigilance once kept you safe. At work, it may now be keeping you tired, anxious, or stuck in overdrive. The goal isn’t to “get rid of it,” but to integrate it, to honor the part of you that learned to survive chaos, while teaching it that your adult life can be different.
Healing and transformation mean learning that not everything needs your vigilance. That you can let things go unanswered. That not every sigh means danger, not every silence implies rejection.
Sometimes, you must tell your body: It’s okay, literally. You’re not back there anymore.
Slowly, you learn that safety doesn’t always feel like peace; sometimes, it feels like nothing. And nothing can feel strange when you’ve lived in chaos. But that nothing, that stillness, is what you learn to trust.
A Different Kind of Strength
Hypervigilance can make you perceptive, empathetic, and capable under pressure. But now, it’s time to learn that real strength isn’t about anticipating everything; it’s about letting yourself be without needing to fix or predict the world around you.
And some days, that means closing your laptop and reminding yourself that no one’s going to yell. That you can rest. That you’re safe now, even if your nervous system hasn’t fully caught up.
To your success,’
Sylvia Lafair
PS. If you recognize yourself in these words, you’re not broken. You just adapted, brilliantly, to survive what you were given. But now, you get to teach your body something new: that not everything needs to be monitored, that peace doesn’t mean danger, and that you can finally exhale. Start with the Stress Mastery online program.
You’re allowed to be safe now.
