Summary: Let’s get right to it: most leadership programs fail. Not because the content is bad. Not because the facilitators lack experience. However, they focus on surface-level skills while overlooking the underlying factors that drive behavior.
Der Dr. Sylvia,
I would like to persuade my favorite member of our Executive Team to participate in your Total Leadership Connections Program.
He is resistant. In a rather “whiny” voice, he says he does NOT care about how his family patterns show up at work. “That,” he says with defiance, is therapy, “And I don’t need therapy, I need some ideas of how to get our CEO to listen to me, AND, get my team to simply follow my instructions.”
I cannot make a dent in this defensive thinking.
Any suggestions would help.
Hey, I can see clearly now, how jealousy of my older brother, who was the super achiever in our home, made me into an avoider. With the help of TLC I found a way to talk with him, not just say, “let him” or more to the point, “fu*k him.”
I applied your model of direct communication with leading actors in my personal life, and I no longer avoid conflict; instead, I initiate discussions to improve work and home life.
Thanks for giving me some ideas for my co-worker.
Signed,
Better Communicator
Dear Better Communicator,
Yes, it takes going directly to the source of your frustration and learning by communicating what triggered you in the past so it won’t need to trigger you in the present time.
You know what I’m talking about: the same drama, defensiveness, and dysfunction that gets dressed up in suits and job titles but smells suspiciously like something from your family kitchen table.
The Real Problem? Repeating Old Patterns at Work
Leadership isn’t just about strategy and communication. It’s about self-awareness, emotional regulation, and breaking outdated behavioral patterns that started long before your first job.
In other words:
What you didn’t complete in your original organization, your family, you’ll repeat in your current organization, your workplace.
Here’s the kicker: traditional leadership programs teach conflict resolution but not why you’re triggered in the first place. They coach you on giving feedback but skip the fact that you’re afraid of confrontation because your father blew up at the dinner table every time someone challenged him.
Sound familiar?
Complete It or Repeat It: You Choose
If you’re constantly:
- Avoiding tough conversations
- Over-controlling your team
- Feeling drained, resentful, or underappreciated
- Attracting “difficult people” like flies to honey
…it’s not bad luck. It’s a behavioral pattern that’s running the show.
And until you see it, name it, and transform it, you’ll stay stuck in the same loop, whether you’re at a startup or a Fortune 500.
This isn’t fluff. It’s pattern awareness, and it’s the missing link in leadership training today.
Leadership Development Needs a Reality Check
Let’s stop pretending that a weekend retreat or a communication workshop will create real change if the foundation is cracked.
Here’s what real leadership transformation looks like:
- Uncovering unconscious patterns learned in childhood
- Rewiring outdated responses like blame, avoidance, or people-pleasing
- Creating space for new behaviors like calm confrontation, deep listening, and intuitive decision-making
- Building a culture where personal growth isn’t a buzzword, it’s built into the fabric of how people lead
A New Way Forward
I’ve worked with thousands of leaders who’ve broken the cycle. They stopped rescuing their teams. In fact, they stopped reacting like a wounded child when challenged. Better yet, they started leading like the visionary adults they were meant to be.
For example, from my own life: When my childhood trigger was competing with my super-achieving older brother, who got all the attention, I became a drama queen to be seen and heard.
NOT a good idea!
It caused much dissension in my early work career. That is until I started to look for the source of the excessive need to be heard and acknowledged.
I talked with my brother and also with my mother. (My dad died from a sudden heart attack when I was fourteen.) It was the action of speaking with both of them that shed light on the issue; my way of being in a group, any group, changed.
You see, my brother worked extra hard to please our parents. My dad wanted to be a physcian and the funds were not availalbe for him to shine. My brother picked up the role to make our dad proud.
It was illuminating!
He wanted to please our father, not just show himself to be the “better child.”
I saw him from a new vantage point.
After that, I was able to transform myself from the loud, annoying “drama queen.”
I became a storyteller. Same energy, yet, storytelling has a direction and a purpose.
My career began to flow, and yes, my stress levels decreased.
Final Word: Stop Repeating, Start Leading
Leadership isn’t about adding more skills. It’s about shedding old baggage. When you shift the patterns, you shift the culture. You stop repeating, and you start evolving.
Want a more practical example? Become a PAL (Pattern Aware Leader) in 2025 outlines how leaders apply this process to grow from within.
A Forbes article calls out how many programs ignore core leadership issues. Similarly, Influence Journal for Leaders explains how addressing root behavior creates real transformation.
Ready to see what patterns you’re dragging into your leadership?
A brand-new membership is launching soon, designed to help you complete what’s been holding you back and transform your leadership from the inside out.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS: Stay tuned. Take the Pattern Pioneer Leadership Quiz and receive exclusive early membership access.
