Summary: Let’s face it: these days it feels like the world is split into “us” and “them” about… well, everything: politics, workplace policies, parenting styles. Polarization has become the default setting. And when being “right” matters more than being in a relationship, the cost is steep: broken teams, broken families, broken trust. The question is: what do we do when polarization becomes the norm?
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
The sadness I feel for our country, our planet runs deep.
We use guns to stop our opponents. When that doesn’t work, we resort to bombs.
I feel the divide at home, at work, and in the community.
Lately, I’ve also been going from one extreme to another.
Firstly, I want to express my point of view.
When no one listens, I want to pull the covers over my head and focus solely on my personal safety and that of my family.
Yet, the leader in me wants to set up communication round tables at work to discuss how we can listen to each other without the threat of violence when there is disagreement.
I would appreciate your thoughts on how to overcome the toxic polarization that we all live with right now.
Signed,
Seeking Harmony
Why Polarization Hooks Us So Deeply
Dear Seeking Harmony
Polarization is like emotional Velcro. It sticks because:
Biology loves sides. Our nervous systems crave certainty. We want to know who’s safe and who’s the “enemy.”
Family patterns repeat. Many of us learned early to either toe the line or rebel against it. (Remember dinner table arguments where someone stomped away? You’re replaying that same script at work now.)
Read more in “Don’t Bring It To Work.”
Short-term stress relief. It actually feels good for a moment to belong to a side. It gives identity and validation. The problem is, it’s a sugar high that leaves organizations sluggish and divided.
The Hidden Costs of Polarization
When polarization takes hold, workplaces and communities pay the price:
Innovation stalls. Polarized groups don’t collaborate; they compete.
Stress skyrockets. People stop listening and start defending. That drains energy faster than a phone with too many apps running in the background.
Leaders lose ground. Instead of guiding, they’re refereeing. Instead of a strategy, they’re stuck in damage control.
What To Do About Polarization
We can’t control the noise “out there,” but we can shift what happens in here, in our teams, families, and leadership circles. Here’s how:
Name the Pattern. Call polarization for what it is: a repeat of old family or cultural patterns. Once you see it, you can choose to step out of it.
Shift the Goal. Replace “being right” with “being effective.” Ask: What’s the bigger purpose we’re trying to serve? Polarization shrinks the vision; purpose expands it.
Invite the Third Way. Instead of ping-ponging between extremes, look for the “and” instead of the “or.” Leaders who can hold paradox (“We need profit and people”) create healthier systems.
Practice Curiosity. Sounds soft? It’s actually radical. Ask, “Tell me how you see it.” Then shut up and listen. Curiosity cuts through defensiveness faster than a chainsaw through butter.
Model Calm. Your nervous system is contagious. If you breathe deeply, pause, and respond rather than react, others will follow suit. (Yes, even that colleague who seems allergic to reason.)
From Polarization to Possibility
The world isn’t going back to “simpler times.” But here’s the good news: when polarization becomes the norm, leaders have the opportunity to become pattern breakers.
By refusing to get sucked into the tug-of-war, you model a new way. You remind people that connection is stronger than division, and that progress requires curiosity, courage, and a bigger purpose than “winning.”
That’s not just leadership, it’s legacy.
Shift Even When It Is Difficult To Do
The check list:
Name the pattern. Call polarization what it is—a repeat of old scripts.
Shift the goal. Replace “being right” with “being effective.”
Look for the third way. Move from “either/or” to “both/and.”
Stay curious. Ask, listen, and actually hear.
Model calm. Your nervous system sets the tone.
Leaders who refuse to get sucked into the tug-of-war become pattern breakers. They remind us that connection is stronger than division, and that legacy is built by moving forward together.
✨ The real question isn’t “Who’s right?”
It’s “How do we move forward together?”
Because, in the long run, unity always beats division.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS: Want a free webinar from me, “Communicate to Collaborate?” Please send an email to sylvia@ceoptions.com, and it’s yours.
