Summary: Most leaders don’t realize this, but destructive workplace behaviors rarely begin at work. They begin in childhood, long before the corner office, long before the first promotion, long before the first glass of wine at a client dinner seemed like no big deal. Keep reading. This is a need-to-know issue important for long-term success.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I did it again! I drank too much at a company meeting. This time, I was asked to leave the meeting since the head of HR (who is a friend) said I was making a fool of myself.
It makes no sense. I am great at my job as head of sales, yet when stress hits the hot button, I “medicate” with gin, scotch, or vodka.
And then, I overtalk and yes, make too many off-color jokes to keep everyone amused.
I don’t think my drinking is enough to require me to go into an inpatient program. However, I do need some help determining which route will help me address my poor behavior at business meetings.
I would appreciate some thoughts on next steps.
Signed,
Ready for Change
The Past Doesn’t Stay in the Past
Dear Ready for Change,
You are one of a multitude of business people who want to medicate their pain, their fear of failure (FOF).
Often, the situation centers on current workplace issues.
This misses the mark. You need to look in the rearview mirror for better results.
That’s the beautiful part of emotional pattern work. This is what I talk about in my new, soon-to-be-released book, “GLIMMERS: Aligning Head, Heart & Gut for Whole Person Leadership. “
When You Loosen the Grip of Childhood Wounds, You Don’t Just Change. You Evolve.
Here is one story that may well resonate with you:
A senior leader, Michael, almost lost his job because of one thing: drinking too much at business meetings.
Not wild partying. Not DUIs.
Just “a drink to take the edge off.” One drink would lead to another, which kept taking more than it gave.
His team was frustrated. His clients were uncomfortable. HR was ready to step in.
On the surface, it appeared to be a performance issue.
Underneath, it was something entirely different.
Heal the Past to Free the Present
When Michael came to me, he kept insisting, “I don’t have a drinking issue. I get nervous in meetings.” That was the story he knew. It wasn’t the truth.
It took time to convince him to revisit his childhood. Initially, he stated with defiance, “That’s sissy stuff, therapy, and a waste of my time.”
With some prodding and lots of open-ended questions, he was able to acknowledge that what he had was a childhood wound running the show.
In any case, he eventually did a deep dive into an earlier time in his life.
His father left when he was five. No explanation. No closure. Just silence.
He said, his mother’s words were, “Your father was a cheating, alcoholic who was never there for either of us.”
No matter what his mother said, that little boy grew up believing he wasn’t worth staying for.
Thus, the adult version of him walked into high-pressure meetings already carrying the weight of “not enough.” Alcohol became the quickest way to mute the old ache.
The Wake-Up Call
After one especially messy client meeting, his boss gave him the ultimatum:
“Get help or get gone.” That was when he contacted my company.
In one of our meetings, he sighed and finally said out loud, “I’m afraid people will see I don’t belong here, I’m truly not good enough.”
That sentence changed everything.
A Courageous Search for the Truth
After my coaching helped him see from a new vantage point, he was willing to do a Sankofa Map, which I developed to help clients clear the past to free the present. It’s a specific variation of a genealogy chart.
Michael set out to find the father who vanished decades before.
He expected rejection. Instead, he found a man filled with shame, not malice. A man who ran away because he believed he wasn’t enough.
His father said, with deep regret, “I left because your mother said to ‘get out’ and never bother us again. I did as she requested.”
The story Michael had carried for 30 years was wrong.
He made amends, not to repair a broken relationship but to release a broken belief.
And slowly, his drinking eased. His confidence returned. He stopped performing and started leading.
What This Means for Today’s Leaders
You can be brilliant, experienced, and high-achieving, and still be driven by an old wound that never healed.
Here’s the truth:
Leadership exposes the childhood stories you haven’t resolved.
They show up in communication, conflict, stress, and yes, sometimes in a drink you don’t actually want.
Michael didn’t save his job because HR backed off.
He saved it because he finally faced the real issue.
Not alcohol.
Abandonment and the “not good enough” syndrome.
A Question for You
If a behavior keeps tripping you up, overreacting, shutting down, numbing, or overworking, ask yourself:
Is this about today, or is this an echo from years ago?
The strongest leaders aren’t the ones without wounds.
They’re the ones brave enough to face them.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS: If you want help recognizing and reshaping old patterns that still show up in leadership, my coaches and I are here to walk that path with you.
Message me privately at sylvia@ceoptions.com if this hit home.
