Have you noticed that the more persecutor/bullies lash out the more the victims of their nastiness go to hide under the bedcovers?
I don’t often feel like a victim. However, I had an employee who was the bossiest witch, always telling everyone in the office what to do, on her terms.
One day, I hung up the phone after she told me I was late with a deadline (I wasn’t) and that I had kept her waiting (I didn’t). I found myself muttering some very specific expletives. I took a long drink of water, did a 5-minute breathing technique, and sat looking at the phone, feeling weak and discounted.
Then it hit me. Am I a bona-fide victim?
I felt inadequate and full of fear. Now, normally, I’m not a consummated complainer, but in this situation, I was pessimistic and defeated.
I’m the owner of my woman-owned company. People see me as strong, competent, and well, GUTSY.
Micromanagement activates the victim pattern
However, I hate being micromanaged. Yet, at times, the pattern from childhood grabs me, like when my mother was as bossy and annoying as Donna, my assistant.
I had to stop and listen to my feelings before I could engage with her again.
Now, I know many of you are thinking, why not just fire her?
Believe me, I had that thought a million times.
However, I had to look at my own victim behavior (not fun).
Then I could hire a better assistant, the right fit for me.
We are surrounded by those who play the vicitm card
Please pay attention: the victim is a standard pattern in our culture that we rarely pay attention to the fact that victims are responsible for their own behavior.
The victim, transformed, becomes the explorer.
That is exactly where I went after I let myself moan and complain for a few minutes.
I even called my husband, who is my partner. Believe me, I worked hard to get him on my side.
He said, “You are doing a good job as a victim. Hope you can find a new way of talking with Donna rather than thinking ugly thoughts and bringing others into the loop.”
He was not my favorite person at that moment. Although, of course, underneath, he was helping me.
I came up with 3 ways I could talk with Donna rather than hang up the phone and think mean thoughts.
For more advice contact me or one of our coaches for a complimentary session to see where you victimhood started and the way OUT: Observe, Understand and Transform your behavior.
Don’t whine, don’t run for someone else to speak for you. Get GUTSY and BOLD; find a new way.
We’re here to help (not rescue!).
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
