Summary: Conflict is inevitable, but long-standing conflicts—in families, workplaces, or communities—can become deeply ingrained and corrosive. Leaders play a crucial role in breaking the cycle. They guide individuals and teams toward resolution, and fostering a culture of understanding.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I have two employees who are a mini-representation of the Middle East, Ukraine-Russia and what is going on, it seems everywhere.
Positions are rigid, and now, these two employees have created “Team A siding with Lindsey,” and “Team B siding with Nathan.”
Subsequently, they throw grenades at each other in the form of nasty comments, finger-pointing, and what you call JUBLA by judging, blaming, and attacking whenever they can.
Both team leaders are strong and competent.
However, they are on the radar to either change or be asked to leave.
In addition, right now, they are on PIP, and while I would prefer they find ways of working together, I am at a loss on better ways to heal the divide.
In short, I would appreciate any help you can give before the nastiness becomes more difficult to handle.
Signed,
Help!
It Takes Courage to Think Differently
Dear Help!
I am going to start from a unique place that I hope is helpful to you and the entire organization.
Of course, everyone in the organization feels it when there is continuous tension.
Rather than relying on traditional methods like forced compromise or avoidance, new approaches emphasize emotional intelligence, deep listening, and a shift in mindset. Here are some innovative and effective ways for individuals and leaders to heal long-standing conflicts.
First, a story from one of my favorite authors, Tom Robbins, who always shows a different route “up the mountain” of life.
Many years ago, he suggested a creative way to deal with the continuous conflict in the Middle East.
Creative Ideas Can Become Long Term Solutions
In Tom Robbins’ novel Skinny Legs and All, a notable example of overcoming deep-seated cultural conflicts is establishing a restaurant called “Isaac & Ishmael’s.” This is a great name for their establishment. After all, Isaac and Ishmael are brothers, related through their father, Abraham, as the Bible indicates.
This eatery, situated across from the United Nations building in New York City, is co-owned by an Arab, Roland Abu Hadee, and a Jew, Spike Cohen. Their collaboration is a microcosm for potential harmony, demonstrating how shared economic ventures can bridge cultural and religious divides.
Key Takeaways:
- Shared Economic Interests: By focusing on mutual business goals, individuals from conflicting backgrounds can find common ground, fostering cooperation and understanding.
- Cultural Exchange: A joint venture like “Isaac & Ishmael’s” allows for the blending of traditions, promoting appreciation and respect for diverse cultures.
- Symbolic Representation: Positioning the restaurant near the United Nations underscores the broader implications of such partnerships in promoting global peace and unity.
I do believe that shared economic successes can change the dynamic between “warring” colleagues.
All things considered, the world conflicts are, obviously incredibly complex, I just wanted to “prime the pump” for ideas you can ponder as a leader in your work environment.
Here are some ways to dig out of the present mess at your organization.
Acknowledge the Hidden Layers of Conflict
Many conflicts persist not because of surface-level disagreements but because of unspoken fears, past wounds, or unmet needs. Leaders must recognize that beneath every argument lies an emotional truth.
In my book Don’t Bring It To Work, I discuss why tension between colleagues is often more than a short-term upset.
How Leaders Can Help:
- Encourage open dialogue by asking deeper questions such as, “What’s really at the heart of this for you?”
- Help individuals articulate their needs rather than just their complaints.
- Create a safe space where people feel heard without judgment.
Shift from Right vs. Wrong to “What Can We Learn?”
As has been noted, many conflicts remain unresolved because each side clings to the need to be “right.” Leaders must shift the focus from blame to learning and growth.
How Leaders Can Help:
- Ask teams to explore: “What has this conflict taught us about our values, communication, or assumptions?”
- Model curiosity by asking both sides for their perspectives before offering a solution.
- Reinforce the idea that in conflict, there are often multiple truths, not just one.
Address Invisible Stress That Fuels Conflict
Stress accumulates in unseen ways and can manifest as defensiveness, anger, or resistance. Leaders must help individuals recognize and release stress that contributes to conflict.
How Leaders Can Help:
- Introduce stress-management techniques such as mindfulness, deep breathing, or brief pauses before responding in heated discussions.
- Educate teams on the impact of Invisible Stress—the stress people carry without realizing its effect on their relationships.
- Encourage team members to check in with themselves: “Is this reaction about the present issue, or is it an old pattern resurfacing?”
Reframe the Conflict as a Shared Challenge
Instead of seeing the conflict as “us vs. them,” leaders can redefine it as a shared challenge to overcome together.
How Leaders Can Help:
- Use language that promotes unity: “How can we solve this together?” instead of “Who’s at fault?”
- Encourage collaborative brainstorming, where all perspectives are valued.
- Emphasize common goals over personal grievances.
Introduce the Power of Storytelling
Personal stories create empathy and understanding. Leaders who facilitate storytelling create bridges where walls once stood.
My book, UNIQUE: How Story Sparks Diversity, Inclusion, and Engagement, shows how short personal stories can lead to “AHA moments where we see each other from a new and more positive vantage point.
How Leaders Can Help:
- Have individuals share personal experiences related to the conflict, not just their opinions.
- Use storytelling to highlight past instances where the team overcame difficulties together.
- Share personal leadership stories about learning from mistakes or misunderstandings.
Break the Cycle with a “Pattern Reset”
Long-standing conflicts often follow repetitive patterns. Identifying and disrupting these patterns can lead to breakthroughs.
How Leaders Can Help:
- Ask, “What’s the recurring pattern here?” and “How can we respond differently this time?”
- Encourage those involved to experiment with a new response (e.g., active listening instead of defensiveness).
- Hold people accountable for changing behaviors, not just words.
Encourage Transformational Apologies
Moreover, not all apologies heal wounds—some even deepen them if they lack sincerity or accountability. A transformational apology acknowledges harm, takes responsibility, and commits to change.
How Leaders Can Help:
- Guide individuals toward meaningful apologies: “I see how my actions hurt you, and I am committed to doing better.”
- Model vulnerability by admitting personal mistakes openly.
- Shift the focus from a quick fix (“Let’s just move on”) to a lasting transformation.
Use Restorative Circles for Deep Resolution
Instead of one-on-one mediations, restorative circles bring all voices together in a structured way, promoting deep healing.
How Leaders Can Help:
- Facilitate circles where everyone shares their feelings and experiences without interruption.
- Set ground rules: active listening, no blaming, and commitment to a constructive outcome.
- End with a group commitment to action steps for moving forward.
Recognize When a Conflict Needs a Professional Facilitator
Some conflicts are too deep-rooted for internal resolution. Bringing in a skilled mediator or coach can be the key to transformation.
How Leaders Can Help:
- Normalize seeking outside help rather than viewing it as failure.
- Choose facilitators who specialize in emotional intelligence and conflict resolution.
- Stay involved in the process to reinforce ongoing healing.
Celebrate Progress, Not Just End Results
Conflict resolution isn’t a one-time event; it’s an ongoing process. Recognizing small steps toward understanding keeps momentum alive.
How Leaders Can Help:
- Acknowledge moments of progress, even if full resolution isn’t reached.
- Share reflections on how the team has grown through conflict.
- Reinforce a culture where addressing conflicts is seen as strength, not weakness.
Final Thoughts: The Leader’s Legacy in Healing Conflict
Leaders set the tone for how conflict is handled. By embracing these new approaches—digging into emotional layers, breaking old patterns, fostering deep listening, and encouraging transformation—leaders don’t just resolve disputes; they create a culture where conflicts become opportunities for growth.
The next time conflict arises, try asking, “How do we fix this?” instead of asking, “How can we grow from this?” That shift alone can turn long-standing tensions into powerful breakthroughs.
What’s one conflict in your life or workplace that could use a new approach? Share your thoughts below!
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS. Don’t hesitate to contact me at [email protected] to learn about the power of using our Sankofa Method when tensions arise with your work leaders.
