Summary: Often, less is more when it comes to being a successful leader. Here is why it may be best to hold your tongue, bite your lip, and wait for a better time to respond. Leadership communication is both an art and a skill if done correctly.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I have often heard you say, “Telling the truth is NOT spilling your guts.”
I agree, and yet, it is not so easy.
For example, when one of my direct reports lacks accountability for a mistake, or another is a smily cheerleader without facts to back up the ask for a bigger budget than seem reasonable.
I could go on and on.
Instead, I would like some perspective on when I should hold back my anger.
Signed,
Impatient
Careful What You Say, People Will Listen
Dear Impatient,
We’ve all been there.
A team member makes an offhand comment that stings. Perhaps, a partner in a meeting throws you under the bus—again.
And in those heated moments, the temptation is strong to fire back, correct, or criticize. You want to be right, you want to win, and you want to speak your truth.
But here’s the leadership truth no one talks about enough:
Sometimes the smartest, strongest move is to bite your lip.
What Is “Bite Your Lip” Communication?
It’s not about bottling up your emotions or becoming a doormat.
Instead, it’s about strategic silence.
In fact, it’s about responding, not reacting.
All in all, it’s about choosing long-term trust over short-term release.
In leadership, “bite your lip” communication is the art of pausing before you speak—especially when emotions are high—and waiting for the right moment to express yourself with clarity and impact.
This isn’t suppression. It’s self-mastery.
Why Leaders Need This Skill More Than Ever
Today’s workplace is emotionally charged. Therefore, communication missteps can escalate quickly. A sarcastic remark, a defensive email, a public put-down—these reactions may feel momentarily satisfying, but often create ripples of resentment, confusion, or fear.
Modern leadership demands more than intelligence.
It demands emotional intelligence. I have developed the “bite-your-lip communication practice” as one of its key practices.
Here’s why it matters:
Restraint in Communication Builds Psychological Safety
When leaders lash out, even unintentionally, teams begin to walk on eggshells.
But when leaders pause, listen, and respond with intention, they create environments where people feel safe to share ideas and even make mistakes.
Thinking Before Speaking Protects Relationships
A heated comeback might score a point—but at what cost?
Biting your lip in the moment can preserve a relationship you’ll need tomorrow.
First, Take a Deep Breath, It Gives You Time to Gather Facts
Initial impressions are often incomplete. Reacting too quickly means acting without context. Silence gives you space to check your assumptions and respond with precision.
Moderation Models Maturity and Resilience
Your team is always watching. When you demonstrate restraint under pressure, you model the very behavior you want them to show during conflict.
When to Bite Your Lip (And When to Speak Up)
There’s wisdom in knowing when to be silent—and when to speak with purpose.
| Bite Your Lip If… | Speak Up If… |
|---|---|
| You’re emotionally triggered | There’s a clear boundary being violated |
| You’re tempted to correct in public | A teachable moment is appropriate and welcomed |
| You’re unsure of the facts | You’ve done your homework and have clarity |
| You want to “win” the moment | You want to elevate the conversation |
Bite-Your-Lip Stories from the Leadership Trenches
Example 1: The Email That Almost Exploded
Lena, a VP at a tech company, received an email from her CEO questioning her team’s progress. Her first instinct? Defend. Explain. Justify. What I label DEJ, that goes along with JUBLA to justify, blame, and attack.
Instead, she bit her lip and waited 24 hours.
Her question to herself was “What do I want as an outcome to this unpleasant situation?”
She wanted team success and a buy-in from the CEO. She was savvy enough to know that if she continued to prove her point, she would lose.
The next day, with a cooler head, she responded with precise data, a calm tone, and even a suggestion for cross-department collaboration.
The result? The CEO praised her for being solutions-oriented, and the tension dissolved.
Example 2: The Interrupting Colleague
Daniel, a team leader, was frequently interrupted in meetings by his colleague, Tim, who was eager to share his own ideas. Rather than his usual response, snapping, “Let me finish!” he practiced bite-your-lip communication.
The pause, which admittedly required a great deal of self-control, was effective. Tim finished “pounding his chest” with ideas and quietly sat down.
Later, in private, Daniel and Tim talked. Daniel said smoothly and confidently, “I’ve noticed that you’re eager to participate during meetings.” I value your ideas. And, it would help me to finish my thoughts. Then we can brainstorm together.”
That one conversation transformed their dynamic.
Please review the sentences that Daniel used to speak with Tim. They are short and get to the point. The maximum is nine words per sentence. There are no run-on sentences. The conversation does not include the trap of “furthermore…”
Remember, tension, when cloaked within silence, can dissipate faster when there is no need to DEI (defend, explain, justify).
How to Practice Bite-Your-Lip Communication in Real Time
Let’s get practical. The next time you feel the urge to react, try this:
1. Pause and Breathe
Take a breath. Then another. A 5-second pause can prevent a 5-day problem.
2. Get Curious, Not Furious
Ask yourself: What’s really going on here? What might this person be feeling?
3. Channel the Energy
Use your frustration to write a draft (that you don’t send), take a walk, or talk to a trusted peer.
4. Schedule a Calm Follow-Up
Silence in the moment doesn’t mean silence forever. Set up a time to talk when you can speak with clarity, not clutter.
5. Reflect on the Outcome
After you’ve handled the situation with grace, ask yourself: Did biting my lip help the bigger picture? 99% of the time, the answer is yes.
The Power of the Pause
Leadership isn’t about controlling others—it’s about mastering yourself. Emotional intelligence in leadership takes constant practice.
The ability to choose silence in the heat of the moment isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom.
And as any great leader knows, the best communication often occurs after the initial bite of the lip.
So the next time your inner critic says, “Speak now or lose credibility,”
Take a breath.
And remember: True power lies in the pause. This is the core of conflict resolution for leaders.
Your Leadership Challenge
This week, choose one moment where you might typically react, and instead, bite your lip. Journal about what happened. You may be surprised at how much strength you discover in restraint.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS. Please email [email protected] to request a “Bite Your Lip Cheet Sheet” to help you stay motivated and continue growing.
