Summary: Let’s talk about power. Not just the kind that buys social media platforms or rallies crowds with a slogan; I mean deep-rooted ancient, as old as your family tree power. The kind shaped by invisible patterns you were trained in long before you ever had a job title. Welcome to The Daddy Wars.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I am having a visceral reaction to all the global news these days.
I want to jump in and “heal the divide.”
However, I wonder if I am projecting my personal insecurities onto those in the news, or what?
For example, I had a powerful and complex father who always wanted more than I had to give. I named myself “NE” for Never Enough.
Why does almost everyone in power eventually have a falling out with colleagues, bosses, or Board Members who disagree with them? I need some clarity, please.
In conclusion, I envision these titans of industry sitting in highchairs, throwing oatmeal at each other (sad but true).
Is there an underlying theme that can help me understand why they do what they do?
I would appreciate your thoughts.
Signed,
Cycle Breaker
Why Leadership Feuds Feel Personal? Because They Are!
Dear Cycle Breaker
You are right about the public battles that often arise at work and in our government institutions. These are the often-invisible showdowns between modern titans, CEOs, politicians, and billionaires, who unconsciously drag their childhood patterns, family expectations, and unresolved “who’s really in charge?” questions into their very public personas.
So, while the headlines scream “Mogul vs. Mogul,” the real drama is often playing out in the theater of the inner child.
Meet the Archetypes: The Splitters vs. The Persecutors
Let’s fictionalize this for clarity and safety.
We’ll call them:
- Rex Ironbrand – A visionary entrepreneur who rose from rebellion, rejected conventional norms, and built an empire on flipping the bird to the status quo. Think fire, chaos, memes, and breaking things to make new things.
- Victor Dominion – A politically savvy powerhouse who mastered control, commands loyalty, and knows how to dominate a room, a boardroom, or a debate stage. Think legacy, hierarchy, and a “my way or the highway” approach.
What happens when these two clash?
It’s not just a battle over market share or media minutes. It’s the age-old struggle of the Rebel Child versus the Super Achiever Child, both seeking the same prize: Validation from the invisible father figure.
There Are Family Patterns Behind the Fight
Whether in politics, business, or boardrooms power struggles like these often echo hidden dynamics from childhood:
- Who had to break the rules to survive?
- Consider who was told they were the chosen one? Who was ignored?
- Who became the joking clown to stay safe? Who became a determined tyrant to feel strong?
These roles harden into adult identities. And when two men (or women) with massive platforms and unprocessed histories meet, it’s more than a disagreement. Think about it as a reenactment.
They’re not just trying to win today.
They’re trying to win the love, loyalty, or legacy they never quite secured back then.
Invisible Patterns: The Real Battlefield
In systems thinking, we refer to these invisible patterns as unspoken generational codes, even when those loyalties conflict with your current goals.
You see it in leaders who:
- Refuse collaboration because “my dad never trusted anyone.”
- Overdo achievement to finally be “good enough”
- Pick public fights because “being seen is the only way I survive.”
Invisible patterns are sneaky. They appear in the tone of a tweet, the venom of a comment, or the relentless need to own the room. These are ways of replaying a family drama that was never fully healed.
Why “Daddy” Still Runs the Show
Let’s face it, most of us, regardless of gender, carry unconscious patterns from our original organization: the family. More in my book “Don’t Bring It To Work: Breaking the Family Patterns That Limit Success.“
It’s where you learned how power works, who gets protected, and what happens if you speak up. If Daddy was emotionally absent, terrifyingly present, adored, feared, or unpredictable, that story will play out unless it’s transformed.
In leadership, this often results in overcompensating:
The Lone Wolf CEO.
The Needy Mentor.
The Burn-the-Whole-System-Down Maverick.
Sound familiar?
Pattern Breakers Are The Best Leaders
The leaders of tomorrow won’t be the ones who win social media showdowns or outmaneuver their rivals.
They’ll be the ones who do the inner work.
Who asks:
“What am I reenacting here?”
“Whose rules am I still following or fighting?”
“What am I trying to prove — and to whom?”
When you become aware of these invisible patterns, you stop reenacting family fights on national (or global) stages. You no longer need to “win Daddy’s love” through dominance, disruption, or destruction.
See the Invisible Patterns. Change the Game
This isn’t therapy-speak. It’s a strategy.
A pattern-aware leader builds stronger teams.
Also, a self-aware disruptor knows when to press pause.
Consider that a reformed power hoarder learns to collaborate.
Finally, a leader who’s healed no longer needs to crush others.
And that is how we transform “The Daddy Wars” into authentic leadership.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS: Want to know which family pattern you’re bringing to work?
Take the Leadership Quiz to see what you need to transform. Don’t let ingrained, outdated patterns run your life now.
