Summary: Leaders who can hold the “both/and” philosophy in our polarizing world are needed more than ever. CEO’s VP’s. therapists, educators, trainers, coaches, directors, and media do best when they lead others to better ways of interacting rather than telling them what is right or wrong. Here are some thoughts to consider.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
As a leader in an international company, I’m not in the business of soft-peddling.
Here’s the raw, unvarnished truth about a program I attended at Omega Institute in New York, which aimed to fulfill my personal need to understand my childhood.
At a trauma retreat earlier this August Bessel van der Kolk, yes, the very icon revered for helping us decode how our bodies literally store pain, did something profoundly tone-deaf.
He went off-script, pivoting from neuroscience to politics, and compared Israelis to Nazis.
Worse still, he doubled down when challenged, and even disparaged Orthodox Jews, saying they prioritize “their group” over “the truth.” Times of Israel.
I want to be crystal clear: At a workshop on healing trauma, van der Kolk inflicted fresh trauma on all of us, especially Jewish, Israeli, and Orthodox attendees.
One participant, Judy Leventhal, a psychotherapist, and descendant of Holocaust survivors, screamed, “How dare you!” and walked out in anguish.
As a fellow attendee and practicing Catholic, I feel his remarks were not only inappropriate but antithetical to what trauma work stands for.
Thus, I was relieved that Omega Institute, true to its values, responded swiftly.
They condemned the comments, demanded an apology, and officially barred him from returning.
They held in-person talks, offered options to leave the workshop, followed up via letter, and are revising their code of conduct and faculty safeguards Omega Institute.
Now, Van der Kolk is threatening to sue the organization for slander.
I know you to be a seasoned executive coach and respect your opinion. I am wondering what your thoughts are about this unpleasant situation.
Signed,
Distressed Yet Hopeful
“Somewhere Beyond Right and Wrong, There is a Field, I’ll Meet You There” —Rumi
Dear Distressed Yet Hopeful,
I have had many colleagues and clients ask me to discuss what I would have done.
Look, every leader and facilitator occasionally slips and falls from grace.
We are merely, as many thinkers throughout history have said, “FHBs.”
As Fallible Human Beings, We All Make Mistakes
I am saddened about what happened at Omega and am glad they are also speaking out.
While I will address what Van der Kolk said, I would like to share an example of alternative ways to deal with trauma.
A Rashomon Rivalry of Realities
Years ago, I took a risk. I was working as a consultant to a business unit at a large pharmaceutical company.
HR was concerned about a legal battle that was brewing. Several team members made disparaging remarks about a homosexual colleague, Jerome, who had invited his significant other to a team dinner where spouses were invited.
Back in the day, that was a big leap forward when most hid their relationship preferences rather than “come out “into the open for fear of what I call “stigma attachment.”
There Is a Fear of Being Labeled and Judged By Society as “Other”
Rather than teach and preach, I wanted the team to explore a new and more effective way to address the obvious tension and fear that was ready to explode.
Taking The Road Less Traveled Is Risky
Here is what we did.
We sat, twelve highly educated individuals, and watched a film.
I even provided popcorn!
Akira Kurosawa’s Rashomon reminds us that three witnesses can see the same event, and each walks away believing something entirely different.
It was, as I said, a leap of faith.
“Rashomon,” A Japanese Classic, Takes Time To Absorb.
Although one-to-one pre-meeting calls had been completed, I had no guarantee that those watching would even care about changing the dynamic or be willing to listen to each other.
Even though I had Jerome’s approval to discuss the nasty comments and explore ways to heal the divide, I was unsure if the team would be willing to talk openly.
I also wondered if Jerome, angry and hurt, only wanted retribution and for his lawyer to secure a good payout. That way, he could leave the company feeling satisfied that he had been heard.
In any case, watching the film worked!
The group listened.
Then we talked.
Several hours were spent ordering takeout rather than having a formal dinner, learning more about each other than I thought was possible.
That was a vital moment for me.
As an executive coach, I guided a team to find a way beyond the obvious, as Rumi says, beyond the dichotomy of right and wrong.
Decades later, a Textbook Rashomon Scenario at Omega Institute
Now, let’s consider what played out with Van der Kolk. He thought he was weaving moral urgency into his workshop.
Jewish attendees felt gaslit and retraumatized. Omega leadership, caught in the breach, swung into crisis mode, a development clearly visible but also filtered through institutional lenses.
As seen in “Rashomon,” There are Multiple Truths and Irreconcilable Perspectives
In a single space where trauma met ideology, the situation exploded.
However, sadly, there was no room, from what I have read, for a new perspective.
Let me dig a bit deeper.
Thich Nhat Hanh’s Post-War Tapestry of Healing
This also brought to mind what one of my revered teachers, Thich Nhat Hanh, did after the Vietnam War.
In the ashes of a nation, he didn’t pit one narrative against another. Instead, he held circle after circle of mindful listening. No hierarchy of suffering, no “tribal” allegiances to guard.
He invited everyone, from former enemies to civilians, to touch the wound together, to breathe into it, and to let truth emerge gently from shared acknowledgment.
That’s not easy. It requires radical inclusion, disciplined compassion, and humility, tools Van der Kolk seems to have misplaced at Omega.
Why This Matters and Why You Should Care
This incident is no mere footnote for the therapy or wellness community.
It signals a more profound concern: the politicization of trauma care.
The Term Trauma Has Been Sanitized
We use it in day-to-day situations, from missing a bus to getting a poor performance review, all the way to child abuse and inappropriate care of elders.
When a person with Bessel van der Kolk’s authority introduces a politically loaded metaphor, without context, without invitation, without care, it echoes across bodies and histories in profoundly damaging ways Jewish Telegraphic Agency.
It’s not “difficult conversation” territory anymore; it’s abuse of a platform, plain and simple.
So What Would Sylvia Say?
Here is my response, with my leadership-coaching lens grounded in the insight that “the original organization, the family, shows up in one’s present organization at work.”
I call this what it is: a breakdown of presence, boundaries, and trust.
The Best Facilitators Guide: Don’t Tell, Ask
As a facilitator, I suggest that all leaders acknowledge the ripple effect.
For example, one comment can trigger numerous microtraumas, destabilizing individuals, communities, and the credibility of the very concept of healing.
This isn’t the end. It’s a galvanizing moment
Upsets and misunderstandings offer a chance to rebuild the container of healing, from the ground up.
That, I believe, is much better than giving power to lawyers who will simply put another lawsuit on the docket.
My Blueprint for Moving Forward
- Re-anchor in Listening, Not Lecture
Make space for real-time repair: small-group debriefs, witness circles where hurt can be voiced, named, and held, not minimized. - Teach Using Shared, Not Shattered, Narratives
Use Rashomon as a learning mirror: your story isn’t the only one. Show leaders how perception shapes people, and healing must start with curiosity, not assertion. - Model Thich Nhat Hanh’s Presence
Bring in post-crisis facilitators trained in compassionate mindfulness. Let healing be a shared breath, not a sermon. - Shake Up the Sacred Spaces
Reassure participants that Omega, or any organization, can hold paradox, disagreement, and discomfort without trauma. Build guardrails that prioritize emotional safety.
In the End…
This blog isn’t just chastising, it’s a rallying cry.
From my years of standing in the cauldron of conflict with families and business teams, I know trust-breaking moments like this are life’s unwanted midwives. Yes, painful. Yes, necessary. We either deny the rupture or we use it to stitch something more whole.
More information on this is available in my book, “Don’t Bring It To Work.”
Patterns repeat until someone is brave enough to break them. Let’s be that brave.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS: Contact me at sylvia@ceoptions for information on how you can be a catalyst to break the chain of outdated patterns.
