Summary: Every leader wants conflict resolution to occur as quickly as possible. Few are prepared for the ugly middle, where things get confusing. Here’s how to stay grounded when you feel frustrated and hopeless.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
The entire world seems to be fighting all the time. There is no middle ground. I often feel like I want to stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head.
Fortunately, I am becoming increasingly aware that my tendency to avoid conflict is hindering me both at work and at home.
Here is some background. I am a Senior VP in my company, and the CEO recently gave me some feedback about how quickly I fold under stress. He observed that many times, when in a tense meeting, I always had a reason to leave before the situation was resolved. I would find an excuse to get out of the room or leave a Zoom when points of view were misaligned and chaos reigned.
Conflict Is An Invitation to Go Deeper Rather Than Run Away
His response to me was encouraging, rather than demeaning. That helped me rather than defending, explaining, or justifying my behavior. He suggested I conduct some research on leadership development to identify what was at the core of my discomfort.
So here I am.
Please help me find ways to cope with the tension and make friends with the ugly middle you talk about.
Signed,
Human at Work
The Avoider Pattern Can Be Transformed Once You Understand Its Origin in Family Relationships
Dear Human at Work,
Firstly, I want to acknowledge how your boss offered you feedback and how you were able to receive it. Positive feedback and conflict resolution skills are essential for all organizations, particularly in this era of heightened stress.
Now, onto your request for some help.
Let’s look at the pattern of leaving when things become uncomfortable. It is widespread in our culture.
Often, there is a history of conflict at home or in the community.
You can read more about this in my book “Invisible Stress: It’s NOT What YOU Think”
Once you move from avoiding the chaotic, ugly middle, you can begin to embrace more creative solutions.
Here are ways to approach this vulnerable aspect of leading a team and take charge when everything seems to be going upside down.
You know that moment after a conflict starts to calm down, but before it actually gets better? That weird, vulnerable, awkward space where everyone’s trying, but it still feels tense and unclear?
That’s the ugly middle.
And it’s not a failure. It’s a phase.
“The middle is messy, but it’s also where all the magic happens.” — Brené Brown
When we start resolving conflict, we’re stirring up years of habits, hurt, and misunderstanding.
Of course, it gets messy and ugly. That’s what growth looks like in real time.
That’s the truth most people miss: the chaos is the work.
It’s the part where honesty replaces pretending, and where something real starts to take root.
Why We Rush the Resolution (Even When It Doesn’t Work)
Here’s what science shows us: our brains are wired to avoid uncertainty and seek safety, even more than they’re wired to seek truth or connection.
When conflict arises, the amygdala (our brain’s alarm system) activates the threat response.
Stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline, flood the body, preparing us to fight, flee, or freeze.
Even if we’re sitting in a meeting or on a Zoom call, our nervous system reacts as if we’re under physical threat.
That’s why uncertainty feels unbearable.
The ugly middle, where things are unresolved, keeps that stress loop firing.
To escape the discomfort, our brain pushes for “premature closure” — any resolution that lowers tension fast. We say “It’s fine” when it’s not. Often, we agree too soon. Or, we retreat from the conversation.
Don’t Let Short-term Relief Win Over Long-term Repair
But here’s the catch: those false resolutions don’t last.
They leave residue, unspoken frustration, lingering mistrust, unfinished emotion.
And that residue eventually resurfaces, often louder.
Understanding this isn’t an excuse; it’s insight.
When we recognize that our biology drives us to rush the process, we can consciously choose to slow down, breathe, and let real resolution unfold.
We say “It’s fine” when it’s not. Often, we agree too soon. Or, we retreat from the conversation.
That is common and can be found in all meetings. However, it doesn’t get us to the new “go.”
“Hard at first, messy in the middle, and gorgeous at the end.” — Robin Sharma
So what do you do when you’re stuck in that ugly middle?
Call it what it is.
“This feels messy right now.” Naming it releases pressure and reminds everyone that discomfort isn’t danger.
Stay curious, not certain.
You don’t have to agree right away. You do have to stay open. Curiosity keeps the door cracked for empathy.
Pause, don’t bail.
Take a breather if needed, but come back. Walking away too long tells the other person the relationship isn’t safe.
Keep small promises.
In conflict, trust breaks in tiny ways and rebuilds the same way
“Always keep your word, even when it’s costly.” — Deepak Malhotra
Anchor to your “why.”
Why does this relationship matter? Why is this worth working through? Purpose steadies you when emotions spike.
The ugly middle is the normal middle.
It’s where real change happens, awkwardly, imperfectly, and often with shaking hands.
If you’re in it right now, don’t rush to clean it up.
Hold steady. Breathe.
Trust that this discomfort means you’re doing the work that actually heals.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS. Here’s a question for you: What helps you stay grounded when you’re in your own “ugly middle?” Let’s start a conversation to help each other by sharing our own experiences. There will be more information in my new Pattern Breakers membership, which will be ready soon.
