Summary: Most people who’ve worked with me know that I often trace workplace behavior back to family dynamics. It’s not about blame. It’s about awareness, recognizing how the lessons we learned at home subtly influence our leadership, communication, and relationships.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I always thought I was, like most women, a pleaser. I was sure this was simply a cultural aspect of life in a world that is just now recognizing how women are more than a pretty face or a caretaker.
Now, I want to take a deeper dive into how family patterns impact my leadership development.
Personal growth and emotional intelligence are at the core of the executive coaching I receive as part of my VP job at a fast-moving global organization.
I would love your perspective on the similarities and differences between a pleaser and a rescuer.
Signed,
Digging Deep
Dear Digging Deep,
Two patterns I see often are the Pleaser and the Rescuer. They look similar on the surface, both driven by care, both focused on others. But the motivation underneath each is very different. And that difference makes all the difference.
The Pleaser Pattern: Seeking Safety Through Approval
The Pleaser learned early that love, safety, or belonging depended on keeping others happy.
The message was subtle: “If they’re okay, I’m okay.”
At work, the Pleaser tends to avoid conflict, smooths over rough edges, and often takes on too much. They anticipate needs before they’re voiced and often say yes when they mean no.
What drives this pattern isn’t generosity, it’s fear. Fear of rejection. Then there is fear of disapproval. Also, fear that their worth is conditional.
The irony? Pleasers are often admired for being “team players.” But over time, resentment builds, boundaries blur, and authenticity disappears.
The Rescuer Pattern: Seeking Control Through Helping
The Rescuer’s early lesson was different. They often grew up in a family where someone always needed saving. Helping became a way to restore order and feel powerful in the middle of the storm.
For example, here is a personal story: my father died suddenly of a heart attack when I was fourteen. He left behind my mother, older brother, and me, a shaky, worried teen.
For several years, my mother struggled with depression. My brother was away at college, and I became the rescuer. I made dinner each night and always had plans to take my mom for walks and to the movies.
Fortunately, she rebounded. However, during those difficult years, the pattern of the rescuer went deeply into my nervous system.
Early in my work career, I continued the behavior I learned at home, always jumping in before being asked. I provided guidance, advice, and took responsibility for ensuring everyone else’s well-being. On the surface, it appeared to be compassion. But underneath it was a need to control outcomes, to feel safe by ensuring others are okay.
Where the Pleaser says, “Yes, so you’ll like me,” the Rescuer says, “Yes, so you’ll be okay.”
Each avoided discomfort, but for different reasons.
The Overlap and the Cost
Both patterns stem from the combination of love and fear. Both can burn out the person and disempower the people around them.
A Pleaser may erode trust because their “yes” can’t be counted on. A Rescuer may create dependency; others stop growing because the Rescuer won’t step back.
With the help of a coach, I was finally able to observe my behavior. It happened in all areas of my life, including personal relationships.
The Path to Chang: The Way OUT
Awareness is always the first step when you observe your behavior or have a coach help you see where you are pattern-driven.
Here is the good news: once observed and understood, the Pleaser becomes a truth teller and learns, as I often say, that “No is a complete sentence.”
With some help, I, the rescuer, moved from observing to understanding. I finally understood it came from the fear that my mother would not recover from the shock of my father’s sudden death. After that, I started the “strength training” to transform the rescuer into a mentor.
As a mentor, I no longer rush in to solve problems, even when not asked. Instead, I ask key questions and give room for others to answer for themselves.
For example, ask yourself:
When you help, are you seeking approval or control?
Are you doing this of your own choice or by compulsion?
What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t step in?
As you begin to notice these patterns, don’t shame yourself. They once kept you safe. Now, they may be holding you back.
The work, the way “OUT” involves observing, understanding, and transforming, moving from a state of reacting to one of responding.
That’s what I call Pattern Aware Leadership.
Reflective Exercise for Pleasers and Rescuers
Take a few minutes and think of a recent situation at work where you said “yes” automatically.
What was happening?
Who were you trying to protect, please, or rescue?
What would have happened if you had paused before responding?
Notice which parts of you were at work, the Pleaser, the Rescuer, or perhaps both.
Awareness isn’t about judgment; it’s about choice. Once you can name the pattern, you can choose a different way forward.
Key Takeaway to Become Pattern Aware
The more we understand our patterns, the more freedom we have to lead with clarity, courage, and compassion.
When you stop rescuing and start responding, when you stop pleasing and start leading, everyone grows.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS: Take the Pattern Aware Quiz to see which pattern fits your personality. And consider reading my award-winning book “Don’t Bring It To Work.” Or give us a call to delve deeper into becoming pattern-aware.