Summary: Here’s how the Persecutor (aka bully) stays in charge until someone (as in you) or (as in me) says STOP.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
This is short and to the point.
My boss makes us all miserable. He always see the negative and makes sure he tells us what is wrong with our work.
I am ready to leave. However, except for him, I love my job.
Help me see other options, actually creative energy options (Hummm).
Signed,
Choosing to Grow
Dear Choosing to grow,
Good for you. You may find a happy place after you talk with your persecutor boss.
Firstly, a true story:
Dina saw herself as “a loser.” Always the last chosen for team sports. Even worse, also the last to be sought out at the school dance. Thus, she could never slide gracefully around the room with a prince charming.
Therefore, she would laugh with delight when her boss winked at her and told semi-inappropriate and semi-lewd jokes.
We all want to be heard and appreciated.
At least someone was paying attention to her.
She felt seen and heard.
That was all she needed.
For this reason, the boundaries started to loosen. He would make demands on her, sometimes raising his voice and other times sweet-talking with more inappropriate jokes.
Eventually, his hands would casually swat her on her rump. Later, you will see how Dina faced her fear and took a stand.
To demonstrate, from my book Don’t Bring It to Work, “ big shot persecutors are all cut from a similar cloth. They are bullies who love to control and micromanage. They tend to display contempt for others, usually through verbal abuse and sheer exploitation.
In addition, sexual harassment is simply seen as taking what is theirs to begin with (or so they think.)
Persecutors (aka bullies) were often ignored when they were kids.
How did these men (and women) become the way they are?
First, let’s add to the list of difficult behaviors. And while I’m outlining, think of who you know who behaves this way, or maybe even look into a mirror.
Persecutors need to:
- Feel important
- Dominate conversations
- Talk about themselves all the time
- Find fault with others
- Don’t admit mistakes
- Point fingers of blame
- Enjoy watching people fail
- Withhold information
- Ignore any degree of protocol or etiquette
Once you understand why bullies bully, you can decide how to discuss with them directly.
I have spent years looking for the antidote to the persecutor’s poison. First, the need to understand. I didn’t say forgive, I said understand.
Persecutors and bullies were not born into the role. Oh no, it is something learned at a very young age.
Often, there was little alternative but to fight to be heard. They are afraid that if they show their soft side, they are annihilated. They had parents or caretakers who beat the crap out of them.
The other side of the persecutor-bully is that they had parents who were unavailable and gave over their adult responsibilities to the son or daughter who jumped in to take care of their siblings. In this way, the bully demands things his way.
They learned to boss other around and it became the internal pattern for success. No matter what they look like physically, they see themselves as large and in charge.
Think of it this way, they are often wagging their index finger at you in their nasty manner. If they can just take all that angry energy and point their finger upwards, they can transform to become a visionary.
Most of the time they know a better way, they are just caught in old baggage that weighs them down.
Now, back to Dina.
Once she saw her bully boss as a kid who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders and who didn’t have a clue about how to behave kindly, she stopped being furious.
Persecutors can change their negative behavior with coaching.
She did go to human resources with a complaint. But wait, there’s more. With an HR representative, she also decided to talk with her boss directly. She told him how uncomfortable he made her feel and acknowledged that he had to sort out why he acted the way he did.
Initially it looked like either she would be fired or he would have to leave.
It takes courage to tell the truth to those who bully us.
Because of her courage to address the issue and not let it fester for years, she grew stronger and he had a choice to seek counseling if he was to stay in his job.
Within a year, Dina was promoted. No, not to get her away from her boss. Her step up was because she had the courage of her convictions to say what she meant and do what she said.
And her boss? Luckily, HR held him accountable. He had the opportunity to change his ways.
They don’t see much of each other anymore. However, they both acknowledge that their relationship changed them for the better.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS. Become part of the revolution to change negative behavoir at work. Consider the new on-line Total Leadership Connections four module program. Contact us for more details.
