Summary: Stoic leaders are having a moment. Podcasts gush about calm. Every leadership guru raves about equanimity. And half the world is clutching Marcus Aurelius quotes. This is only one part of leadership. It is the glimmer of the mind. Read on to see what works and what doesn’t.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
Until now, I would classify my coping style as stoicism.
To be clear, the term is both an ancient philosophy and a modern term. It means enduring hardship without showing feelings or complaining.
That has worked for me, until now.
I was often jokingly called “the donkey.”
Initially, I thought this was a negative comment, until I learned that donkeys are known for their tireless work ethic and for hiding their pain.
That was me!
However, after a rigorous physical exam, I was told to get a coach and connect with my emotions. The fear is that I am so shut down to emotions that I am a candidate for a heart attack because I keep it all inside.
I’m ready to go down a different path. I need some ideas on why Stoicism limits me.
Signed,
Strong and Silent
Stoicism Plus Pattern Awareness Equals Positive Leadership
Dear Strong and Silent,
Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot to admire in stoicism.
But like every leadership pattern I’ve encountered in my decades of coaching, stoicism has a bright side, a shadow side, and a sneaky family origin hiding underneath it all.
Let’s crack this open.
The Sweet Spot: Why Stoic Leaders Shine
Stoic leaders bring gifts the world desperately needs:
They stay steady when everyone else melts down.
While others are throwing staplers, crying in bathroom stalls, or panic-emailing at 2:00 AM, the stoic is the one saying,
“Let’s take a breath.”
That steadiness is pure magic when used well.
Stoics Make Decisions Without Emotional Whiplash
No drama, gossip, or theatrics.
Stoics don’t spin, they evaluate. That makes them grounded, strategic, and dependable.
People trust a leader who doesn’t flinch.
A good stoic can turn chaos into clarity faster than most can find their login password.
So far, so good.
But, oh yes, there’s always a “but.”
Stoicism Can Slip into Avoidance
Leaders think they’re being calm.
Everyone else thinks they’re frozen.
When emotions get too quiet for too long, teams start whispering:
“Does she even care?”
“Why doesn’t he respond?”
“Do we matter?”
Stoic Leaders Often Forget that Silence Has a Cost
Stoic leaders don’t mean to be mysterious, but to others, they’re about as readable as a stone tablet.
When nothing shows, people fill the void with worry, doubt, or projections from their past.
Therefore, stoicism can feel like rejection.
Humans are wired to respond to cues, facial expressions, tone, and warmth.
If a leader gives none, people assume the worst.
And where does this all come from?
A Peek Behind the Curtain: Stoicism Is a Pattern
Here’s where my work comes in.
Stoicism isn’t just a leadership style; it’s often a learned pattern rooted in family systems.
If you grew up in a loud household, you learned to survive by shutting down.
In fact, silence equals safety.
If you grew up in a chaotic household, you learned to control your inner world so the outer world wouldn’t crush you.
Therefore, calm equals protection.
If you grew up with emotionally unpredictable parents, you learned to keep your feelings tucked behind your ribs.
Finally, feelings equal danger.
Then you grew up, put on a blazer, got a title, and voilà, your childhood survival strategy became your leadership persona.
Some call it maturity.
I call it pattern repetition in a fancier outfit.
The Stoic Pattern: Helpful or Harmful?
Stoicism becomes powerful when it emerges from choice, not childhood reflex.
Helpful Stoicism
Regulate, not suppress
Pause, not avoid
Calm the room, not disappear from it
Harmful Stoicism
Hold back so much, you vanish
Confuse “not reacting” with “not connecting”
Mistake numbing for resilience
See the difference? One leads. The other hides.
So What Should a Stoic Leader Do?
Show 10% More Emotion Than You Think You “should.”
Not 80%. Not tears-and-a-tambourine. Just 10%.
A raised eyebrow. A thank-you with warmth.
A sentence that includes the “F word.” Yes, use the word feel without breaking into hives.
Practice using your emotions.
Notice when your calm is actually shut down.
Calm feels open.
Shutdown feels like you’re behind three emotional sandbags.
If you’re hiding, your old pattern is driving the bus.
Stoicism Isn’t the Problem; Unexamined Patterns Are
Stoic leadership can be brilliant, steady, strong, and wise.
Or it can be a stone mask that smothers trust.
When leaders examine the pattern beneath the persona, everything changes:
Calm becomes connection
Grounded becomes inspiring
Steady becomes trustworthy
And the leader becomes whole, not armored.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS: Want the complete list of leadership patterns and how they secretly run your workplace? Please send me an email sylvia@ceoptions.com and they are yours to ponder.
