Summary: Most people say they want to change—until change knocks on their door wearing work boots and holding a mirror. Then suddenly, resistance becomes the name of the game. It is like that most of the time. Yet, there are better ways. Read on.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I’m reaching out with steam still coming out of my ears.
Today, I got into yet another heated argument—first at work with a few “logic warriors” who scoffed at personal growth, and then again at home with my husband, who echoed the same resistance.
Here’s the issue: I believe in transformation. Real, lasting change. I believe in the power of your work.
I’ve learned so much, and yes, I have changed.
My company has offered us your deep pattern work programs at no cost. They don’t just stick for a weekend; from my perspective, they rewire lives.
But negative folks all say I live in a “fool’s paradise ” and that people don’t change. I am so angry when they say your work is merely feel-good fluff.
One man mocked me, saying your pattern work is “another flavor of the month, like ice cream, delicious for the moment, but quickly forgotten.”
I know better. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it.
And now I need some smart, sharp, soul-deep ammunition to go back into the arena and face the naysayers with clarity and confidence.
Help me speak truth to fear, and show them that becoming pattern-aware leaders (PAL) isn’t a fantasy, it’s the future.
Signed,
A Committed Change Agent
Dear Committed Change Agent,
I would like you to stay with your title. We need a bevy of positive change agents during these tough economic and stress-filled times.
Let’s cut through the fluff: Most people say they want to change. That is, until change knocks on their door wearing work boots and holding a mirror. Then suddenly, resistance becomes the name of the game.
So, what’s really going on here? Why do so many smart, capable, caring people stay stuck in patterns that sabotage their relationships, careers, and well-being?
“People don’t resist change. They resist being changed.” – Peter Senge
Senge got it right. You cannot force someone to change, yet you can show them the way. If you are vulnerable and show your weakness and how you changed, that gives them hope that they can do it, too.
Here is a great idea. Listen to a Brené Brown Podcast. She is a master of being open and vulnerable. Her enticing ways of sharing turn telling the truth into a positive virus!
Why is change so hard for so many? Let me tell you:
Because change takes courage. And not the movie-hero kind. I’m talking about the courage to sit in discomfort, look in the mirror, and say, “This stops with me.”
The Real Reasons People Don’t Change
They confuse comfort with safety.
If it’s familiar, it feels safe, even if it’s wrecking your confidence.
Most think insight = transformation.
Knowing why you’re stuck is a start. But insight without action is just a nice story.
Often people wait for permission.
Waiting for your boss, spouse, or therapist to say, “Okay, are you ready now?” You’ll wait forever.
They think change means losing control.
Ironically, staying in old patterns is losing control. It’s just a slower fall.
Here’s the Truth: You’re Either Growing or Repeating
In my leadership coaching, one powerful insight keeps showing up:
Your original organization (your family) shows up in your current organization (work).
If you were taught to keep the peace at all costs, you likely silence yourself in meetings. That means being a Pleaser. In my work, you get tools to help you transform into a Truth Teller. That way, you stay true to your real wants and needs.
If you had to compete for attention as a child, you may overcompensate as an adult, burning out in the process. Then you become a Super Achiever. Grow into becoming a Creative Collaborator. The same energy, only more long-term fulfillment.
We bring the past with us. That is, unless we consciously change the story.
What Courageous Change Looks Like
Get curious instead of judgmental. Ask, “Where have I seen this before?” rather than “What’s wrong with me?”
Take micro-steps instead of giant leaps. You don’t need to fix your whole life in a weekend. You need to take one bold action this week.
Tell the truth (especially to yourself). Denial is cozy, but truth sets the blueprint for growth. When you stop denying what is happening in your life, you become a Trust Builder.
Name the pattern. If you can name it, you can tame it. Ever met the Super-Achiever, the Rebel, the Victim, or the Clown? I wrote a whole book on these roles. That is a core aspect of Don’t Bring It to Work.
Rehearse the new script. Change happens through repetition. I’d appreciate it if you could practice the new behaviors, even when they initially feel fake. Remember the saying “Fake it till you make it.”
Everything is at Stake When You Opt Not to Change
When you don’t change, you:
Stay trapped in toxic work dynamics. That is where JUBLA (Jugement, blame attack) is strong.
Sabotage relationships that could flourish. The mantra is “He did it, she did it, they did it.”
Repeat generational stress patterns. Here you defend, explain, and justify why things should stay the same.
Diminish your potential and the impact you could have on others.
Here is what happens when you commit to change
You become a transformer.
Then you lead with clarity. Sentences are short and helpful
And you model emotional maturity. Questions and listening are front and center.
You gain influence without manipulation
Finally, you stop pouring from an empty pitcher and start building reservoirs of strength.
Ready to Begin? Start Your Change Process Here
Take the Stress Mastery Quiz: A quick-start guide to identify the pattern, claim the lesson, and move forward.
Join the Stress Mastery Program – Change doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Let’s make it easier together.
Book a Discovery Call – Want to talk it through? Let’s explore what transformation looks like for you.
In conclusion, Change is inevitable. Courage is optional. You can choose courage before comfort calcifies into repetition.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS. I am looking for five people to do the Stress Mastery Program for free and write what they learned about change. Let me know at sylvia @ceoptions.com if you are ready. I’m ready for you.
