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Are you Gutsy or Bold?

Sylvia Lafair
June 19, 2019

Let me ask you a question are you gutsy or bold? Let’s dive deeper into this discussion and ask you a few more questions:

Are you one of the women or men who walk into a meeting room and go right for the front row?

Or when someone asks for a volunteer to come on stage, not knowing what to expect, you’re right there at the head of the line?

Or do you speak up when opinions are requested, even knowing what you have to say might be against conventional wisdom?

If this is your way of behaving, you can go do something else. No need to keep reading.

However, if you are like most of us, waiting to see where others are sitting before you grab a chair, or slinking back in your seat to make sure you won’t be called on, or checking the way the wind is blowing before speaking up, and then only saying what is politically correct, then read on.

You need a confidence booster shot.

Being GUTSY and BOLD is mostly a learned behavior and yes, you can learn it and be the better for it, at work and at home.

What does it take?

Clarity: This first step takes the most time.

You need to sit quietly for up to an hour and write down all the things you want to accomplish in life. Write fast.

Don’t ponder. Just write.

Some things you jot down will sound superficial, so what. Some will sound grandiose, so what. Some will sound doable and other impossible, so what. Great, now you can get to the meat (real or plant-based) of what it means to be GUTSY and BOLD.

Pick the top three from your list. They will be the ones to help you toward a goal of stronger confidence. Put them on a separate piece of paper and make them into a mission statement for your eyes only.

Creativity: Ready to make a difference?

You need to dig down inside and find out what has been holding you back. Did someone say something nasty to or about you when you were a kid? That stuff stays at the bottom of your emotional register forever, or until you drain the swamp.

The way OUT of the old you and into the new you come from facing those defining moments that shaped you to either be a frontrunner or sit in the back of the room.

And no, you don’t have to find every moment that formed you, three or four will show you the way to observe, understand and transform what is ingrained and no longer useful.

Make a game of it. Sing it, dance it, write it, paint it. And then let it go.

Communication: It’s time to change your narrative.

Begin with the words ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ Practice saying the opposite. An example is if you are asked to take on an extra project and you normally are a pleaser, say no and just watch what happens.

And if your natural tendency is to say no, well a hearty yes could change the direction of the situation and who knows, it could be a confidence booster.

Practice when to speak up or shut up and even show up. Take a month and do the opposite. You will learn a lot about yourself and, like physical exercise, it will make you stronger and more confident.

Building confidence is an inner job.

Communicating with confidence is the outer reflection of your inner self. Using creative techniques to gain a clearer, stronger sense of self is the bridge from your inner world to your outer one.

In all the leadership development courses I have taught everyone wants to learn how to become GUTSY and BOLD.

Learn to untie the knots (am not, cannot, should not) that stand in the way of your personal and professional power. Come on, you can do it!

Best,

Sylvia

Change, Growth, Gutsy

What really matters

Sylvia Lafair
May 22, 2019

This week’s article is a bit different. It’s about how all of us, you and you and you and I, can ignite a new dialogue about what really matters.

Now, this is not a preachy, sermon type blog. It’s about rethinking the patterns of behavior that are getting in the way of successful relationships.

I believe we are in a transition period about what matters and are looking for ways to liberate ourselves from old constraints.

Nothing in history suggests that a transition from power to partnership, from greed to sharing, from bullying to kindness is likely to be smooth. To the contrary, this transition seems to be characterized by social and political disruption.

The underlying cause of the divisiveness is fear.

It’s up to us to keep the levels of fear and anxiety down through raising the levels of understanding about the vital need for transformation at this point in history. When fear is loud and strong most of us begin to cringe and yearn for the ‘good old days.’

My daughter sent me a Facebook post that sums up how so many of us feel as the #metoo movement has morphed into a mighty battle over abortion rights. The post said:

Time zones are interesting:

In Australia, it is already tomorrow,

In London it is midnight

And in the USA it’s 1928!

Look, we can all stay in the battleground of ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’ and keep the ancient conversation going about who has the power to make decisions and what happens to those who disagree. All is still based on a power paradigm and I would like to add my voice with a different perspective.

The founder of the Department of Sociology at Harvard University, Pitirim Sorokin searched for the deeper patterns that lay beneath the surface of the calamities of war he had experienced. He suggested that much of history fits a pattern of cyclical rise and fall of two basic known value systems that he termed “ideational” and “sensate.”

Ideational values develop from individual inner work and have a spiritual component, this is found in the thinking that there are values that transcend the physical world and go beyond the physical senses. The other value system, the sensate, believes that only what can be perceived with the senses has any reality.

There is a third value system that represents the harmonious blending of spiritual and sensory values. This is the integral system that takes the best of both and weaves them together. This is where a deeper understanding of relationships is required.

Sorokin’s analysis, written almost 90 years ago suggested that the sensate system of the 20th Century would soon come to an end. That was before plastic was choking our oceans and the divide between the haves and have nots was not as clear as it is today. He was right.

He felt there was a possibility of a new world view that could focus on “the techniques of altruistic transformation” by increasing the world’s supply of creative, unselfish love.

I suggest that while the #metoo movement has been a wake-up call for GUTSY WOMEN around the world to speak out, and while the issue of women’s right to choose is front and center today, the underlying issue for all of us is to take a deep dive into relationships.

This is my work, my passion.

To look at what has been handed to us from generation to generation as ways to behave and begin a deeper critical thinking dialogue about what is needed for now and the future.

What if, as John Lennon’s song says, we begin to IMAGINE a new, braver world where we take the time to dialogue about what is the meaning of love, the various types of love that we need for our survival, and make it clear that we are all connected and no one wins unless we all do.

It takes GUTSY WOMEN and BOLD MEN to stand strong. Become part of the solution.

gutsy or bold are you ready to take action

Business and Life Patterns, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Styles

Gutsy or Bold, Are You Ready to Take a Step Forward?

Sylvia Lafair
January 23, 2019

What does it take to make the leap? Whether you’re gutsy or bold, are you ready to take a step forward?

I was reflecting on the physical or emotional cost when you take a GUTSY or BOLD step out of the old ‘this is the way it is meant to be’ mentality.

I was thinking about Karen who called off her wedding the day before. I was thinking about Stan who quit his very lucrative position rather than stay with a company that promised and rarely delivered.

And then I was thinking about my personal moment of being GUTSY or BOLD. I was a young employee, back in the day. The popular wisdom was to look the other way, keep your head down, do your job and stay silent. I didn’t.

When did you take a stand? Make a dramatic change? Follow your dream even if a crazy one?

AND then what happened?

Karen found her voice (and a great boyfriend), Stan started his own company (and sold it for big bucks.) And I wrote my book GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change (that won some awards.)

Now, between Karen and her voice, Stan and his company, me and my book, there was lots of territory to traverse. Lots of stories of highs and lows, glee and tears, fear and courage.

If, as you read this, you can feel yourself revisiting your moment of GUTSY or BOLD, I have a proposition for you.

I have been asked to add a sequel to GUTSY. Men as well as women are looking for stories of inspiration and they want it from us. That means you and you and you and me. You know, ordinary people who have had an extraordinary experience.

The stories will be gathered in a book about what happens when you take a stand and then, what happens afterward.

In my research over the years I constantly found that making the right move in any situation is 20% strategy and 80% psychology. Thus, we can learn from each other and what better way than through hearing each other’s stories. We can give each other courage to leap rather than tip-toe, tell the truth rather than smooth it over, stand steady rather than walk away.

If you would like to be featured in the new book, GUTSY and BOLD: Stories from Women and Men that Make a Difference please fill out the form below and let’s get going.

Helping each other grow and become the best we can be is nourishing. Tell your story. I know you will be a great guide for so many whose names you may never know, yet, they will know yours and will thank you for helping them take the next GUTSY and BOLD step.

Business and Life Patterns, Growth, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Gutsy Woman Profile: Karen Mangia

Sylvia Lafair
January 16, 2019

I want to share the story of Karen Mangina who I recently met and to me is the epitome of a GUTSY woman.

What would you do if you were in a situation you knew, yes knew, deep inside would be a vast mistake to follow through? Would you take a deep breath and say, “I’m outa here” or “I changed my mind” or “This doesn’t work for me?”

I’ve asked this question to tons of people, male and female and the answers sort into only two real options.

Suck it up and remember that you made the bed, now you will have to sleep in it.
Get out and don’t look back.

Can you guess which answer was voted on more by the men and which by the women. Or, in your mind, were the answers just about 50-50?

From my study the women were more prone to suck it up and the men were more willing to get the heck out and not look back.

Thus, the pleaser personality stood out for the gals and the avoider personality was more prevalent for the guys.

Obviously, neither way is the best. Best would be to buy some ‘wiggle room’ and find possibilities to either make the difficult situation more appealing or, at least, if you need to leave, to make sure you do so without leaving disaster behind.

Okay, so much for being philosophical.

I’d like to introduce you to Karen. She is the epitome of a GUTSY woman. And, in a minute I will tell you her YIKES story and what she is here to tell others who get stuck between that rock and a hard place where it seems there is no winning.

I was lucky enough to have Karen introduce me at The Indiana Women’s Conference.

She did her homework and rather than just talk about my credentials, she told a story about what I learned watching my mother navigate the months after my father’s untimely death in his early 50’s when I was only 14 years old. That introduction was so much more powerful than just listing degrees or awards. It made me real to everyone in the room.

I was intrigued with her insightfulness.

Yet, it wasn’t till we had coffee after the presentation that I realized I was with a real powerhouse, a woman who could stand tall and not be tossed to the side of a road when a situation becomes sticky or impossible.

Karen Mangia is VP of Customer and Market Insights at Salesforce. She is a bright light, with a smile that says “Let’s connect. Let’s communicate. Let’s learn.” She is also an author, and I want to recommend her book to all of you, Success with Less: Releasing Obligations and Discovering Joy.

Here is where I put my latte down and just listened with my mouth half opened in awe. She was telling me about the time that she had to use all the GUTSY chips she had gathered to get through the next few days of her life.

In her own words from her book, “My mom parked the car and started to pop the trunk so we could carry the gifts inside. As we walked around to the back of the car, I started to cry. I couldn’t stop the sentence that was going to change my life. “Mom, I can’t go through with the wedding.” Followed by “Don’t unload the gifts.” (I was upset, but I was also practical.)”

It’s now many moons later and Karen talked about how she had been running on empty until that crisis rocked her world.

She talked about how she began a search for wholeness. The non-wedding was the starter, plus some very difficult health issues, led Karen to search for meaning in her life.

In her book she has tips and tools for understanding the deeper meaning of ‘less.’ It’s about overcoming obstacles and taking steps to evaluate what is true and right for you. Let me say it another way, choose what really matters and let the rest go. It’s an internal decision, and no one, let me say that another way, no relative, friend, or colleague can choose for you.

If you, like Karen, are ready to change from a pleaser to a truth teller take her advice and sit quietly till you become clear about what really matters. Then read her book to help you take the next steps. It made a difference for me.

Being GUTSY is a practice, not just a wish. And the more that GUTSY Women and BOLD Men stay the course and tell the truth the better our world will be.

Growth, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Gutsy & Bold: The New Paradigm of Relationships

Sylvia Lafair
January 9, 2019

Are we on the cusp of new ways of relating to each other? If so, it’s going to take all of us, GUTSY women and BOLD men to continue to clear the path. The old way is about power, prestige and prominence. The new way? It’s still being designed.

The new and better way certainly includes cooperation, caring, and compassion.

My question is, “What else needs to be in the mix?”

Here are a few thoughts of mine. I’d love to hear what all of you, men and women, think the new paradigm of relationships should include.

For me, observing and understanding the invisible links from the long ago past to the present make the best starting point.

Why? So that we can learn which patterns of behavior were meant for survival and may have outlived their usefulness. First, we need to know, before we can make appropriate changes.

Let me explain: Has anybody been to Salem Massachusetts on Halloween? It’s a “madhouse” (pardon the pun) of psychics on every corner ready to do a reading. In fact, all year round in Salem there is great information to learn about the witch trials of 1692.

Women, bona fide healers, who worked with herbs and their own intuition, were considered, you guessed it, witches. Thus, women learned to “shut up,” to keep their knowledge undercover or suffer an ugly death.

No tiny baby girl was ever born who woke from a nap and said, “I can’t wait to grow up and be a pleaser and only say ‘yes’ to everyone.” This knack of being a pleaser, or a rescuer, or a victim came from some basic desire to survive.

Question: Could the subtle memories about ancestors who did not shut up and were burned at the stake make present day women wary? Hummmm, interesting thought.

Let’s take a moment and go back even further. A visit to Greek legends. If your name is Sandra or Cassandra, or even Sandy you may want to pay strict attention. And if your name is Apollo, you too should pay strict attention. Here’s a typical love story: The god Apollo fell in love with the princess Cassandra. He gave her a great gift, more than a gorgeous bracelet or trip to The Four Seasons; it was the gift of prophecy. So far, so good.

The story continues. Now, the good news is this gift was non-refundable. Yet, when Cassandra did not get all mushy about Apollo, he was a scorned lover and wanted revenge. Yup, happens all the time.

So, the only thing that mad as hell Apollo could do, what any self-respecting Greek god would do, was to put a curse on Cassandra; make it so no one would listen. Thus, when she warned that her beloved homeland, Troy would be destroyed, no one would believe her.

Ancient Greece, witch trials, women so often getting brushed aside when they see where things are heading. Maybe no more. Thank you #metoo.

Each of us has a story about a time we were told to ‘shut up’ and be a pleaser. Each of us also has a story about a time where it was important to take a risk and ‘speak up.’ And now is the time for stories about how each of us can ‘own up’ to our personal part in resisting necessary positive change.

Stay tuned. Next week I have a super good story about a woman executive at a great company who learned to move from pleaser to truth teller and what that as done to up her happiness quotient.

And, anyone who wants a beginning of year strategy session with one of our breakthrough coaches please let me know.

Business, Gutsy, Patterns

My thoughts about the major change in gender relationships

Sylvia Lafair
December 18, 2018

Here’s an idea for a special gift for the gals in your life. It’s one of those gifts that keeps on giving for the rest of the year.

Now, I’m not bragging (although I do teach women that it is okay to ‘toot your own horn.’ It’s just that I received an email from a man recently that got me thinking about the next new wave in male-female relationships.

Here’s part of his email:

“I bought your book “GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change” for my wife after she found some of your webinars on line and loved them. Out of curiosity I started to read. She didn’t get the book till I was finished. What is amazing is that I truly understand her better now. And that age-old question “What do women want?” is not as foggy in my mind as it used to be. I know one of the answers you provide is that “Women want to be seen, heard, respected and appreciated.”

I know that we all, men and women, want to be seen, heard, respected and appreciated. However, the trek little girls make to become strong women is so different from the one that I, as a male, experienced.

The book was an eye opener.

Even more, I can be a stronger ally in helping my teen age daughters navigate the rough waters of adolescence. And, even more than that, I communicate differently at work (who knew that men have fewer words to use daily than women and I now have important meetings earlier in the day when I still have most of my words to use)…😃

Keep up the good work and tell men to read GUTSY.”

So, here’s the deal. Any man who buys the book and lets me know will get the GUTSY Success Guide as my gift to you.

Here are just a few more of my thoughts about the major change in gender relationships.

The headlines in 2018 have been filled with story after story about how the role of women in Western society has dramatically changed for the better. From politics to entertainment and everything in between, we have watched history unfold as women have stopped asking for equality and instead have taken charge, stepping into leadership roles across all segments of society. Women no longer talk about change, hope for change, or ask permission to change – they instead make change.

It is NOW, yes NOW, that we finally have a new map to build a future unlike the past.

I believe we are at a tipping point to redesign relationships between men and women for the benefit of all of us. I am in the process of making additional information available as an on-line educational program in 2019. This will give women (and men) from all walks of life the opportunity to take my work forward, which blends knowledge from business and psychology to awaken new ideas and possibilities.

Happy gift giving,

Sylvia

Business and Life Patterns, Gutsy, Patterns

Which one are you: Overwhelmed, Overworked or Frustrated?

Sylvia Lafair
December 11, 2018

Did you ever wonder if men feel as overwhelmed, overworked, and frustrated as women do, on a daily basis?

I did some digging to find the answers.

I spent time looking at the three areas of what it means to be overwhelmed, overworked, and frustrated.

Here is what I found.

OVERWHELMED

Let’s look at being overwhelmed first: Those of us who are pleasers (and women make up the majority of pleasers) who stay in that place of feeling like there is not one more ounce of energy to do another thing. This can bring tears, anger, depression, and all types of physical symptoms like headaches, heartaches, and hypertension. The list is long.

Look, when you can’t say NO it’s just like any other addiction. It takes over and leaves little room for honest thinking about what you should be doing. You become a puppet to the pattern you developed, that began when you watched and reacted to your parents or caretakers who helped mold your responses.

Saying YES to please others can be very comforting initially. You are liked, you are talked about in flattering terms. You are “the good one.”

However, like any addiction, the stakes keep getting higher as people want more and more from you and you have no more to give. Tough spot to be in.

Full disclosure. I, myself, am a recovering pleaser.

Here’s what I discovered as I began the journey from pleaser to its positive opposite, being a truth teller.

I had to learn that to NOT SPEAK UP is eventually destructive. It takes time and practice to think of yourself first, or at least, not ignore your personal wants and needs.

So, as far as overwhelmed, women win the title.

OVERWORKED

Let’s move to overworked. In our world the typical 9 to 5 job is virtually a myth. Just about everyone works more than 40 hours a week. Many who are in positions of leadership work an 80- hour week.

When stress is high, we all, men and women, tend to finally “blow our tops.” That is when the drama queen and king show up. One way to reduce stress is to yell and make the situation look much worse than it is. For a brief time, the release of spewing out not only the annoyance of a situation, also using colorful language really does help. At least, for the moment.

However, this is a defense mechanism that can only go so far. After the initial explosion, there is always debris that must be cleared away. Sure, it feels good to take a plate and smash it to make a statement. However, then the splattered plate must be cleaned up. And words said in anger with lots of finger pointing also must be cleared up.

In the realm of overworked, where the drama queen or king does NOT SHUT UP, it’s about equal for men and women. Those who can harness this energy can become great storytellers and use the energy in a positive way.

FRUSTRATED

The third area I considered are those who are frustrated and yet, do NOT OWN UP. This looks different for men and women. However, when you don’t own up to what has happened and are unwilling to be accountable the results are equally disastrous.

Women who do not own up to their part in any situation are seen as victims. They tend to bow their heads, say they were never told what to do, or some other lame excuse like that. This is the ‘deer in the headlight’s’ syndrome.

When women see their part in any given situation, they can become explorers who will look for better and new ways to handle what is going on. This is a great energy boost to get up and get going. Frustration melts away as more creative and purposeful ways of handling life’s situations are explored.

Men who do NOT OWN UP, when they are frustrated, become persecutors (aka bullies) and tend to point their index finger at everyone else. It becomes, “he said, she said, they said” with no looking inward at oneself.

If men can finally see their part in any given situation, they become visionaries. They take that finger pointing at others and point it toward the sky, painting a picture of future possibilities.

Thus, when it comes to frustration, women and men handle the situations differently. Yet, I say this one is also a toss-up on who is the more frustrated.

I would love to hear your thoughts about how you and those around you handle being overwhelmed, overworked and frustrated. This becomes even more apparent during this holiday season. So, it’s a great time to begin to observe your behavior and make a commitment to change.

Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

The core issues gutsy girls face

Sylvia Lafair
December 5, 2018

I want to address a topic that I feel is very important. Specifically, what issues do gutsy girls (and women) face in today’s world plus the 3 major mistakes females make and how to make changes that are both healthy and positive.

Let me start by sharing a story…

Yesterday my 13-year-old granddaughter asked me if I thought she was too outspoken in her opinions. She was sharing an ‘incident’ that occurred in school when one of her friends was being ‘bullied’ by some of the boys.

The girl had been teased about her long very curly hair and told how ugly she was.

Arielle stepped in and told the boys to stop. She then spoke up, simply asking them how they would feel if someone said they were gruesome looking. She was told to “mind her own business” and with that, she was on a roll.

“How we treat each other affects everyone around, not just the person being attacked. And I am not willing to stand here and pretend what you did was fine and just for fun. You hurt my friend’s feelings and it makes me mad.”

Arielle was strong when telling me about the encounter. However, toward the end, I could hear her voice weaken, and she said to me “Grandmom, you wrote the book GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change. That’s for the adults. What we teens need is our own manual on how to operate in this very toxic world. Was it like this when you grew up? Can you help?”

I heard the call to action and am starting to put a teen book together and will let you know when it’s done after the new year.

Here are my beginning thoughts about the core issues GUTSY GIRLS face in our very toxic world and what to do about it. It’s about the three major mistakes females make, have made for generations, and how to make changes that are healthy and positive.

In many ways, it’s about all females, regardless of age:

NOT Speaking Up: Fear of being rejected if you say what you really mean. The need to be part of the ‘in crowd’ or at least not be talked about, becomes more important than telling the truth. Stuffing feelings, smiling, and being a pleaser are the core patterns here.
NOT Shutting Up: Fear of being ridiculed if you take a strong stand. The need to get louder and louder to make a point and never, ever, back down is more important than thinking about the right timing. Flooding feelings, anger, and being a drama queen are core patterns here.
NOT Owning Up: The fear of being abandoned if you say something was your fault. The need to look smart and capable is more important than asking for help. Deflecting feelings, blaming, and being a victim are core patterns here.

I have helped lots of women transform these outdated patterns to live richer, more fulfilling lives and now its time to take it to today’s teens who are looking for ways to live richer, more fulfilling lives.

If you or the teens in your life have questions or comments that can go into the new book, please get in touch with me. The world is changing and we need to make positive changes that will make a difference.

Business, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

What Does Equality Look Like?

Sylvia Lafair
November 13, 2018

What does EQUALITY look like? And what I am talking about here is FULL equality?

That was one of the main questions I was asked at the Indianapolis Conference for Women where I presented last week.

I was pushing for women to embrace the concept of FULL EQUALITY in my presentation “GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change.”

I have received so many emails thanking me for “the formula” that I decided to share it here, with all of you.

First, let’s take a journey back to the long-ago past where men were hunters (the daring ones) and women were gatherers (the caring ones).

Or brains still react as if we were still back in that day. I will explain in a moment.

In tribal times men went out with spears or a bow and arrows to make sure they could track and kill the deer or buffalo that would be dinner for many nights. They were trained from childhood to be uni-focused, speak less, and go out alone.

Women, on the other hand, were multi-trackers. They would watch the kids, keep the tent clean, go out to get the herbs and berries to make the food tasty.

Research shows that male brains utilize nearly seven times more gray matter for activity while female brains utilize nearly ten times more white matter. And therein lie some of the issues we are grappling with today.

Gray matter represents information processing centers in the brain, and white matter represents the network of connections between these processing centers. Men often do best with focused tasks while women excel at integrating and assimilating information.

Human evolution has created two different types of brains designed for equally intelligent behavior. However, what was needed long ago is not what is needed now. The roles of men and women are changing rapidly and who knows, maybe the brain will change how it looks in years to come.

The new formula:

Daring + Caring = Sharing

As women become more daring it gives men the chance to become more caring. And the good news is that this leads to a more powerful way of sharing. It leads to FULL EQUALITY.

For all of us to thrive and become the best we can be it is time to step out of all the recent negativity and really understand that each one of us has a part to play in creating a good balance between the sexes.

I applaud all the daring women and caring men who are figuring out how this formula can be part of today’s life, at home and at work.

If you have a story about the new balance in your relationship, I’d love to hear about it. With your permission, it could be in the new book I am working on about, guess what…. FULL EQUALITY.

Best,

Sylvia

Are you Gutsy or Bold?

What really matters

Gutsy or Bold, Are You Ready to Take a Step Forward?

Gutsy Woman Profile: Karen Mangia

Gutsy & Bold: The New Paradigm of Relationships

My thoughts about the major change in gender relationships

Here are just a few more of my thoughts about the major change in gender relationships.

Which one are you: Overwhelmed, Overworked or Frustrated?

The core issues gutsy girls face

What Does Equality Look Like?

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Here are just a few more of my thoughts about the major change in gender relationships.

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