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Business and Life Patterns, Growth, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Gutsy Woman Profile: Karen Mangia

Sylvia Lafair
January 16, 2019

I want to share the story of Karen Mangina who I recently met and to me is the epitome of a GUTSY woman.

What would you do if you were in a situation you knew, yes knew, deep inside would be a vast mistake to follow through? Would you take a deep breath and say, “I’m outa here” or “I changed my mind” or “This doesn’t work for me?”

I’ve asked this question to tons of people, male and female and the answers sort into only two real options.

Suck it up and remember that you made the bed, now you will have to sleep in it.
Get out and don’t look back.

Can you guess which answer was voted on more by the men and which by the women. Or, in your mind, were the answers just about 50-50?

From my study the women were more prone to suck it up and the men were more willing to get the heck out and not look back.

Thus, the pleaser personality stood out for the gals and the avoider personality was more prevalent for the guys.

Obviously, neither way is the best. Best would be to buy some ‘wiggle room’ and find possibilities to either make the difficult situation more appealing or, at least, if you need to leave, to make sure you do so without leaving disaster behind.

Okay, so much for being philosophical.

I’d like to introduce you to Karen. She is the epitome of a GUTSY woman. And, in a minute I will tell you her YIKES story and what she is here to tell others who get stuck between that rock and a hard place where it seems there is no winning.

I was lucky enough to have Karen introduce me at The Indiana Women’s Conference.

She did her homework and rather than just talk about my credentials, she told a story about what I learned watching my mother navigate the months after my father’s untimely death in his early 50’s when I was only 14 years old. That introduction was so much more powerful than just listing degrees or awards. It made me real to everyone in the room.

I was intrigued with her insightfulness.

Yet, it wasn’t till we had coffee after the presentation that I realized I was with a real powerhouse, a woman who could stand tall and not be tossed to the side of a road when a situation becomes sticky or impossible.

Karen Mangia is VP of Customer and Market Insights at Salesforce. She is a bright light, with a smile that says “Let’s connect. Let’s communicate. Let’s learn.” She is also an author, and I want to recommend her book to all of you, Success with Less: Releasing Obligations and Discovering Joy.

Here is where I put my latte down and just listened with my mouth half opened in awe. She was telling me about the time that she had to use all the GUTSY chips she had gathered to get through the next few days of her life.

In her own words from her book, “My mom parked the car and started to pop the trunk so we could carry the gifts inside. As we walked around to the back of the car, I started to cry. I couldn’t stop the sentence that was going to change my life. “Mom, I can’t go through with the wedding.” Followed by “Don’t unload the gifts.” (I was upset, but I was also practical.)”

It’s now many moons later and Karen talked about how she had been running on empty until that crisis rocked her world.

She talked about how she began a search for wholeness. The non-wedding was the starter, plus some very difficult health issues, led Karen to search for meaning in her life.

In her book she has tips and tools for understanding the deeper meaning of ‘less.’ It’s about overcoming obstacles and taking steps to evaluate what is true and right for you. Let me say it another way, choose what really matters and let the rest go. It’s an internal decision, and no one, let me say that another way, no relative, friend, or colleague can choose for you.

If you, like Karen, are ready to change from a pleaser to a truth teller take her advice and sit quietly till you become clear about what really matters. Then read her book to help you take the next steps. It made a difference for me.

Being GUTSY is a practice, not just a wish. And the more that GUTSY Women and BOLD Men stay the course and tell the truth the better our world will be.

Growth, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

Gutsy & Bold: The New Paradigm of Relationships

Sylvia Lafair
January 9, 2019

Are we on the cusp of new ways of relating to each other? If so, it’s going to take all of us, GUTSY women and BOLD men to continue to clear the path. The old way is about power, prestige and prominence. The new way? It’s still being designed.

The new and better way certainly includes cooperation, caring, and compassion.

My question is, “What else needs to be in the mix?”

Here are a few thoughts of mine. I’d love to hear what all of you, men and women, think the new paradigm of relationships should include.

For me, observing and understanding the invisible links from the long ago past to the present make the best starting point.

Why? So that we can learn which patterns of behavior were meant for survival and may have outlived their usefulness. First, we need to know, before we can make appropriate changes.

Let me explain: Has anybody been to Salem Massachusetts on Halloween? It’s a “madhouse” (pardon the pun) of psychics on every corner ready to do a reading. In fact, all year round in Salem there is great information to learn about the witch trials of 1692.

Women, bona fide healers, who worked with herbs and their own intuition, were considered, you guessed it, witches. Thus, women learned to “shut up,” to keep their knowledge undercover or suffer an ugly death.

No tiny baby girl was ever born who woke from a nap and said, “I can’t wait to grow up and be a pleaser and only say ‘yes’ to everyone.” This knack of being a pleaser, or a rescuer, or a victim came from some basic desire to survive.

Question: Could the subtle memories about ancestors who did not shut up and were burned at the stake make present day women wary? Hummmm, interesting thought.

Let’s take a moment and go back even further. A visit to Greek legends. If your name is Sandra or Cassandra, or even Sandy you may want to pay strict attention. And if your name is Apollo, you too should pay strict attention. Here’s a typical love story: The god Apollo fell in love with the princess Cassandra. He gave her a great gift, more than a gorgeous bracelet or trip to The Four Seasons; it was the gift of prophecy. So far, so good.

The story continues. Now, the good news is this gift was non-refundable. Yet, when Cassandra did not get all mushy about Apollo, he was a scorned lover and wanted revenge. Yup, happens all the time.

So, the only thing that mad as hell Apollo could do, what any self-respecting Greek god would do, was to put a curse on Cassandra; make it so no one would listen. Thus, when she warned that her beloved homeland, Troy would be destroyed, no one would believe her.

Ancient Greece, witch trials, women so often getting brushed aside when they see where things are heading. Maybe no more. Thank you #metoo.

Each of us has a story about a time we were told to ‘shut up’ and be a pleaser. Each of us also has a story about a time where it was important to take a risk and ‘speak up.’ And now is the time for stories about how each of us can ‘own up’ to our personal part in resisting necessary positive change.

Stay tuned. Next week I have a super good story about a woman executive at a great company who learned to move from pleaser to truth teller and what that as done to up her happiness quotient.

And, anyone who wants a beginning of year strategy session with one of our breakthrough coaches please let me know.

Business, Gutsy, Patterns

My thoughts about the major change in gender relationships

Sylvia Lafair
December 18, 2018

Here’s an idea for a special gift for the gals in your life. It’s one of those gifts that keeps on giving for the rest of the year.

Now, I’m not bragging (although I do teach women that it is okay to ‘toot your own horn.’ It’s just that I received an email from a man recently that got me thinking about the next new wave in male-female relationships.

Here’s part of his email:

“I bought your book “GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change” for my wife after she found some of your webinars on line and loved them. Out of curiosity I started to read. She didn’t get the book till I was finished. What is amazing is that I truly understand her better now. And that age-old question “What do women want?” is not as foggy in my mind as it used to be. I know one of the answers you provide is that “Women want to be seen, heard, respected and appreciated.”

I know that we all, men and women, want to be seen, heard, respected and appreciated. However, the trek little girls make to become strong women is so different from the one that I, as a male, experienced.

The book was an eye opener.

Even more, I can be a stronger ally in helping my teen age daughters navigate the rough waters of adolescence. And, even more than that, I communicate differently at work (who knew that men have fewer words to use daily than women and I now have important meetings earlier in the day when I still have most of my words to use)…😃

Keep up the good work and tell men to read GUTSY.”

So, here’s the deal. Any man who buys the book and lets me know will get the GUTSY Success Guide as my gift to you.

Here are just a few more of my thoughts about the major change in gender relationships.

The headlines in 2018 have been filled with story after story about how the role of women in Western society has dramatically changed for the better. From politics to entertainment and everything in between, we have watched history unfold as women have stopped asking for equality and instead have taken charge, stepping into leadership roles across all segments of society. Women no longer talk about change, hope for change, or ask permission to change – they instead make change.

It is NOW, yes NOW, that we finally have a new map to build a future unlike the past.

I believe we are at a tipping point to redesign relationships between men and women for the benefit of all of us. I am in the process of making additional information available as an on-line educational program in 2019. This will give women (and men) from all walks of life the opportunity to take my work forward, which blends knowledge from business and psychology to awaken new ideas and possibilities.

Happy gift giving,

Sylvia

Business and Life Patterns, Gutsy, Patterns

Which one are you: Overwhelmed, Overworked or Frustrated?

Sylvia Lafair
December 11, 2018

Did you ever wonder if men feel as overwhelmed, overworked, and frustrated as women do, on a daily basis?

I did some digging to find the answers.

I spent time looking at the three areas of what it means to be overwhelmed, overworked, and frustrated.

Here is what I found.

OVERWHELMED

Let’s look at being overwhelmed first: Those of us who are pleasers (and women make up the majority of pleasers) who stay in that place of feeling like there is not one more ounce of energy to do another thing. This can bring tears, anger, depression, and all types of physical symptoms like headaches, heartaches, and hypertension. The list is long.

Look, when you can’t say NO it’s just like any other addiction. It takes over and leaves little room for honest thinking about what you should be doing. You become a puppet to the pattern you developed, that began when you watched and reacted to your parents or caretakers who helped mold your responses.

Saying YES to please others can be very comforting initially. You are liked, you are talked about in flattering terms. You are “the good one.”

However, like any addiction, the stakes keep getting higher as people want more and more from you and you have no more to give. Tough spot to be in.

Full disclosure. I, myself, am a recovering pleaser.

Here’s what I discovered as I began the journey from pleaser to its positive opposite, being a truth teller.

I had to learn that to NOT SPEAK UP is eventually destructive. It takes time and practice to think of yourself first, or at least, not ignore your personal wants and needs.

So, as far as overwhelmed, women win the title.

OVERWORKED

Let’s move to overworked. In our world the typical 9 to 5 job is virtually a myth. Just about everyone works more than 40 hours a week. Many who are in positions of leadership work an 80- hour week.

When stress is high, we all, men and women, tend to finally “blow our tops.” That is when the drama queen and king show up. One way to reduce stress is to yell and make the situation look much worse than it is. For a brief time, the release of spewing out not only the annoyance of a situation, also using colorful language really does help. At least, for the moment.

However, this is a defense mechanism that can only go so far. After the initial explosion, there is always debris that must be cleared away. Sure, it feels good to take a plate and smash it to make a statement. However, then the splattered plate must be cleaned up. And words said in anger with lots of finger pointing also must be cleared up.

In the realm of overworked, where the drama queen or king does NOT SHUT UP, it’s about equal for men and women. Those who can harness this energy can become great storytellers and use the energy in a positive way.

FRUSTRATED

The third area I considered are those who are frustrated and yet, do NOT OWN UP. This looks different for men and women. However, when you don’t own up to what has happened and are unwilling to be accountable the results are equally disastrous.

Women who do not own up to their part in any situation are seen as victims. They tend to bow their heads, say they were never told what to do, or some other lame excuse like that. This is the ‘deer in the headlight’s’ syndrome.

When women see their part in any given situation, they can become explorers who will look for better and new ways to handle what is going on. This is a great energy boost to get up and get going. Frustration melts away as more creative and purposeful ways of handling life’s situations are explored.

Men who do NOT OWN UP, when they are frustrated, become persecutors (aka bullies) and tend to point their index finger at everyone else. It becomes, “he said, she said, they said” with no looking inward at oneself.

If men can finally see their part in any given situation, they become visionaries. They take that finger pointing at others and point it toward the sky, painting a picture of future possibilities.

Thus, when it comes to frustration, women and men handle the situations differently. Yet, I say this one is also a toss-up on who is the more frustrated.

I would love to hear your thoughts about how you and those around you handle being overwhelmed, overworked and frustrated. This becomes even more apparent during this holiday season. So, it’s a great time to begin to observe your behavior and make a commitment to change.

Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

The core issues gutsy girls face

Sylvia Lafair
December 5, 2018

I want to address a topic that I feel is very important. Specifically, what issues do gutsy girls (and women) face in today’s world plus the 3 major mistakes females make and how to make changes that are both healthy and positive.

Let me start by sharing a story…

Yesterday my 13-year-old granddaughter asked me if I thought she was too outspoken in her opinions. She was sharing an ‘incident’ that occurred in school when one of her friends was being ‘bullied’ by some of the boys.

The girl had been teased about her long very curly hair and told how ugly she was.

Arielle stepped in and told the boys to stop. She then spoke up, simply asking them how they would feel if someone said they were gruesome looking. She was told to “mind her own business” and with that, she was on a roll.

“How we treat each other affects everyone around, not just the person being attacked. And I am not willing to stand here and pretend what you did was fine and just for fun. You hurt my friend’s feelings and it makes me mad.”

Arielle was strong when telling me about the encounter. However, toward the end, I could hear her voice weaken, and she said to me “Grandmom, you wrote the book GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change. That’s for the adults. What we teens need is our own manual on how to operate in this very toxic world. Was it like this when you grew up? Can you help?”

I heard the call to action and am starting to put a teen book together and will let you know when it’s done after the new year.

Here are my beginning thoughts about the core issues GUTSY GIRLS face in our very toxic world and what to do about it. It’s about the three major mistakes females make, have made for generations, and how to make changes that are healthy and positive.

In many ways, it’s about all females, regardless of age:

NOT Speaking Up: Fear of being rejected if you say what you really mean. The need to be part of the ‘in crowd’ or at least not be talked about, becomes more important than telling the truth. Stuffing feelings, smiling, and being a pleaser are the core patterns here.
NOT Shutting Up: Fear of being ridiculed if you take a strong stand. The need to get louder and louder to make a point and never, ever, back down is more important than thinking about the right timing. Flooding feelings, anger, and being a drama queen are core patterns here.
NOT Owning Up: The fear of being abandoned if you say something was your fault. The need to look smart and capable is more important than asking for help. Deflecting feelings, blaming, and being a victim are core patterns here.

I have helped lots of women transform these outdated patterns to live richer, more fulfilling lives and now its time to take it to today’s teens who are looking for ways to live richer, more fulfilling lives.

If you or the teens in your life have questions or comments that can go into the new book, please get in touch with me. The world is changing and we need to make positive changes that will make a difference.

Business, Gutsy, Leadership, Leadership Strategies

What Does Equality Look Like?

Sylvia Lafair
November 13, 2018

What does EQUALITY look like? And what I am talking about here is FULL equality?

That was one of the main questions I was asked at the Indianapolis Conference for Women where I presented last week.

I was pushing for women to embrace the concept of FULL EQUALITY in my presentation “GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change.”

I have received so many emails thanking me for “the formula” that I decided to share it here, with all of you.

First, let’s take a journey back to the long-ago past where men were hunters (the daring ones) and women were gatherers (the caring ones).

Or brains still react as if we were still back in that day. I will explain in a moment.

In tribal times men went out with spears or a bow and arrows to make sure they could track and kill the deer or buffalo that would be dinner for many nights. They were trained from childhood to be uni-focused, speak less, and go out alone.

Women, on the other hand, were multi-trackers. They would watch the kids, keep the tent clean, go out to get the herbs and berries to make the food tasty.

Research shows that male brains utilize nearly seven times more gray matter for activity while female brains utilize nearly ten times more white matter. And therein lie some of the issues we are grappling with today.

Gray matter represents information processing centers in the brain, and white matter represents the network of connections between these processing centers. Men often do best with focused tasks while women excel at integrating and assimilating information.

Human evolution has created two different types of brains designed for equally intelligent behavior. However, what was needed long ago is not what is needed now. The roles of men and women are changing rapidly and who knows, maybe the brain will change how it looks in years to come.

The new formula:

Daring + Caring = Sharing

As women become more daring it gives men the chance to become more caring. And the good news is that this leads to a more powerful way of sharing. It leads to FULL EQUALITY.

For all of us to thrive and become the best we can be it is time to step out of all the recent negativity and really understand that each one of us has a part to play in creating a good balance between the sexes.

I applaud all the daring women and caring men who are figuring out how this formula can be part of today’s life, at home and at work.

If you have a story about the new balance in your relationship, I’d love to hear about it. With your permission, it could be in the new book I am working on about, guess what…. FULL EQUALITY.

Best,

Sylvia

Gutsy Woman Profile: Karen Mangia

Gutsy & Bold: The New Paradigm of Relationships

My thoughts about the major change in gender relationships

Here are just a few more of my thoughts about the major change in gender relationships.

Which one are you: Overwhelmed, Overworked or Frustrated?

The core issues gutsy girls face

What Does Equality Look Like?

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Gutsy Woman Profile: Karen Mangia

Gutsy & Bold: The New Paradigm of Relationships

My thoughts about the major change in gender relationships

Here are just a few more of my thoughts about the major change in gender relationships.

Which one are you: Overwhelmed, Overworked or Frustrated?

The core issues gutsy girls face

What Does Equality Look Like?

Popular Posts

30 minutes can change your life...Schedule Your Complimentary Strategy Session

ABOUT US

RECENT POSTS

Twitter

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