Every Father’s Day, I bet just about everyone thinks about their dad. Some with warm feelings, others with hurt and anger, others wondering who the man is, or where he is.
My story is a tough one to discuss; however, over the years, I’ve learned that talking is better than ignoring and stuffing things way down under.
You see, I killed my father.
Funny story: I was working on getting my negative thinking under control and asked someone to help me. You see, it’s hard to do anything totally alone and I know the power of relationships can make a tremendous difference.
I found my power person to help and I found my power word.
I asked my dearest, best friend, who also happens to be my husband, to support me in this not-so-easy task of changing outdated behavior patterns. I asked him to simply say my power word whenever he caught me reverting to the victim behavior, that I must say, I really can get into sometimes.
I asked Herb to use my power word to remind me to stop my blaming, judging or attacking another and find a more positive way to handle my upset. I want to give up the “poor me” and “life’s not fair” attitude.
Now, I don’t go there often; however, I want to have this behind me totally.
I teach others to be better leaders and to stop whining and get going. Yet, there are times when my old survival responses seem to take over and I sound lame and ineffective.
Herb and I made the agreement. He would use my power word, and nothing more, when I would start up with a sob story.
So, one afternoon, someone who had promised to complete a project for me, called with tons of excuses. It was going to set me back several weeks and that meant promises I made to others would get caught in the back water.
I was pissed.
Hearing and listening are related. Similar yet very different. We hear loud sounds, the wind, someone laughing or yelling. And then what? We just get on with our day.
Listening, ah, another story entirely.
Were you ever told to “listen up” when you were a kid? Did someone ever say “Hey, will you just shut up and listen?”
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
The past few weeks have been like living in a super hot hell. There have been a ton of arguments and drama, mainly because one woman wants her way and is dividing our staff (we only have 20 people working on-site).
There is Team A (Suzie’s team) and Team B (my team). It is evenly split with 10 for Suzie and 10 for me, Samantha. No real work is getting done. The issues are so stupid I don’t even want to mention them. It is, so my friends at other organizations tell me, not that different from what they have experienced.
However, it is getting worse. Untrue comments are flying around (on both sides I might add) and the two of us are having a meeting with HR at the end of this week.
“I work hard” he muttered. I could barely hear him.
“You do WHAT?” I asked.
“Work hard. I told you, I work hard.” It seemed to him like no one ever really listened.
He went on to say that he was sick of spending his nights correcting his boss’s awful grammar for her reports that had to go out the next day. She was always late with her reports and always had a ‘do it now’ attitude.
“I am a communications expert, not a third grade teacher” he complained.
“Did you ever tell your boss about your frustrations?” I was just getting to know his vulnerable points in this first leadership development coaching session.
“You can’t tell her anything. No one can. You just do what she says and stuff your thoughts and feelings.”
“What do you think would happen if you said you needed time for yourself, for your family in the evening and would appreciate if her reports were sent to you in a more timely fashion?”
“I would get fired.”
“How long have you been with the company?”
“I have been here for eight years” he said with deep pride.
“And you would get fired, just like that?”
“She is and always has been a bully. She is and always was loud and a know it all. She is and always was the one to demand that it was her way or the highway.”
OK, you got the picture? A demanding boss and a subservient director of communications. A bully and a victim. Do either of these patterns resonate with you?
In the employees eyes the boss is a jerk at work. In the boss’s eyes the communications director is the jerk at work.
Imagine a world where bringing up unpleasant or conflictual subjects is applauded. Imagine if in school good grades were based on asking the unaskable. Just imagine.
Where would YOU fit in that kind of setting? Would you be one to ask “Hey, why is the emperor naked?” Or would you be one to put your hand to your lips and say “Shussssh!”
You want to know where our general discomfort started with asking tough questions. It began way back when you were a little tyke and you saw your mother or care giver in a bad mood. You KNEW something was wrong, you could just feel it. And you asked “What’s the matter?” And the response more times than not was “Nothing! Just go play.”
If you persisted you were called a trouble-maker. And if you just went away you were called a helpful, good child.
Now fast forward to adulthood. You are now in charge of leadership development training at your organization. What do you do when someone persists in asking the questions that no one wants to tackle?
What a bummer that Angelina Jolie will miss the opening of the film “Unbroken” that she directed. Sadly, she missed the chicken pox as a kid and has to break out and itch as an adult.
However, the timing of this film is placed perfectly. With Dick Cheney in great confidence saying he did not think that our country used torture and John McCain taking an opposite view we can get beyond the verbiage to see what torture looks like in Jolie’s film.
In one interview Jolie was asked if she thought the film would pave the way for a summit on torture in war zones.
Her answer was not that of a mediocre actress and a “spoiled brat” as someone said on the Sony tapes. It was the response of a mature woman who wants to make a difference.
“The intention of the film and the message of Louis’ story is about the resilience of human spirit, faith, brotherhood and forgiveness. However we review history and how it affects us today, we have to look at it with a clear mind and an open heart. And it’s not about just having judgment, it’s about trying to understand each other and how we are planning on moving forward together.”
Thank you Angelina. This is the same underlying message that is in “Don’t Bring It to Work”. Too many people think that work is “torture” and there are not enough dialogs about understanding each other and moving forward together. Maybe “Unbroken” will open a door for more and more discussions of what really matters to us as human beings.
Years ago I was in Brazil for a conference. It was wonderful looking up at the “Christo Redentor” that is so much a part of Rio. It was fun sun bathing and walking along the famous Ipanema beach.
I also had an opportunity to go inland to some of the mines where the crystals are in vast supply. I lugged back a large amethyst crystal that sits in my office as I write this.
Along with the fun and excitement of Brazil was the dismay of the street children. It was overwhelming and I wanted, as many do when they see this type of misery, I wanted to take them all home with me. I wanted to start a charity. I wanted to open a school.
And I came home and did nothing.
And yet I can feel the sadness returning and my frustration seething as I look at the fact that now, right now, in this land of so much wealth that 2.5 million children were designated as homeless this year.
Imagine yourself as the most loved leader in your organization. Imagine being honored at a dinner for your skills and talents. What would they say about you? How would you respond?
Leading a team and getting your direct reports to really, really want to get follow you takes lots of deep internal understanding of yourself. As a great leader you set the standard. You do not shy away from conflict, in fact you show others how to maneuver through difficult situations and come out of the tough talks with new and creative ideas.
Great leaders know that the time between Thanksgiving and the New Year has a whole set of problems that usually blend work and family more than any other time of the year. The best leaders understand that when stress hits the hot button there is a tendency to revert to behavior we learned in our original organization, the family to solve problems. Often, becoming like little kids who need more encouragement and appreciation.
Waiting in Ferguson Missouri. Waiting for the judge to hand down the decision. Waiting to see if there will be violence or calm. Waiting to see how justice is served.
Waiting to see if there can be anything new and helpful that will come out of how the people of Ferguson handle a tense and difficult situation.
The issues here go beyond the shooting of one young man and the power of the police. The issues are about how we, as human beings get along, work together, and make change happen.
What an important time to do some leadership development training. What a perfect venue to get past the “us” versus “them.”
