Summary: It takes practice for two strong-willed individuals to collaborate. Here’s how strong leaders can find common ground, so people dont have to choose one over the other.
Dear Dr Sylvia,
My colleague and I, both Senior VPs in a fast-moving tech company, are constantly butting heads. We are two strong leaders, and our teams are in a difficult spot, having to choose sides.
You are either Team Anthony or Team Abigail. Yes, it’s a male/female battle for sure!
Coincidentally, our names start with the letter A, which the teams tell us stands for “annoying.” And that is when they are being polite!
I, as the female part of the Alpha equation, will tell you straight out, as a woman, I will not back down.
I am not joking when I call Anthony my “petty tyrant.” He is painfully annoying.
Interestingly, much like my older brother, who demanded the spotlight as the bigger child and especially as what he called being “the main male.” (Our father died when he was eight and I was five).
Just thinking about his overrated claim to fame makes me cringe. And yes, Anthony is a copy of my arrogant brother before you even ask.
You Can Change When You’re Brave Enough to Face the Real Work
However, our company is losing in the long run due to gossip and subtle sabotage in the headwinds.
You talk about patterns.
Thus, I ask you, “What is going on with the ALPHA People?”
More importantly, what can we do to change the situation? We do need to collaborate, not attack each other.
Signed,
Going for Growth
This Again? You’re Not Foolish, You’re in a Pattern
Dear Going for Growth,
You are on the right track when you see how you and Anthony are similar in your ALPHA phase of life.
This is where the Super Achiever pattern needs work. Read Don’t Bring It To Work to learn how you can become a Creative Collaborator.
Big question for you, Anthony, and of course, your brother is, ” Who were you determined to please as you were growing up, and how did it work to your advantage?”
Let me start by having you consider the patterns that shaped you into an ALPHA gal.
Workplace Meetings Often Resemble Eating Dinner With Your Family
For example, have you ever walked into a meeting and felt like you were back at the family dinner table, tiptoeing around tension, trying to be heard, or smoothing things over like always?
What if those old survival roles from childhood didn’t just disappear, but followed you to the office in a sharp suit and a corporate badge?
Here’s another question: “What patterns run the show behind the scenes of your leadership, and are they helping or holding you back?”
When you decode the family dynamics that shaped you, you gain the power to rewrite your leadership story.
ALPHA Leaders Develop the Pattern of a Super Achiever in Childhood
Let’s be honest. The term “alpha” has received a lot of press, some of it glowing, some of it groaning.
Alpha males get labeled as aggressive go-getters.
Alpha females are often called bossy (or worse).
But let’s be clear: these are leaders with vision, energy, and enough stamina to carry others across the finish line.
But what happens when two alphas, one male, one female, share the same sandbox?
Spoiler alert: it doesn’t have to end in a power struggle, bruised egos, or passive-aggressive email chains.
Let’s break it down.
What Defines an Alpha in Today’s World?
Not just the loudest one in the room. True alpha leaders—male or female—are:
Vision-driven
Unafraid of risk
Comfortable being uncomfortable
Charismatic (or at least compelling)
Often allergic to BS
But they can also be territorial, impatient, and allergic to being told what to do.
Sound familiar?
When Strong Leaders Collide There are Common Challenges
Put two powerhouses in the same room and you might get:
Control battles masked as “collaborative planning”
One-upmanship at meetings
Subtle sabotage, disguised as “constructive feedback”
Decision gridlock, because neither wants to blink first
This isn’t about gender, it’s about patterns. And patterns, dear leaders, can be transformed.
Don’t repeat it. Complete it.
Alpha-to-alpha partnerships work best when both sides consciously acknowledge past patterns and consciously choose new behaviors.
One may lead with strategy, the other with emotional intelligence. One may shine in crisis, the other in vision casting.
Strong Leaders clarify their lanes early and revisit them often. Ego hates ambiguity.
Mutual Respect Between Strong Leaders is Non-Negotiable
You don’t have to agree. But you do have to respect.
That means:
Alphas often underestimate how powerful humility can be. So try this phrase once in a while:
“You may be right. Tell me more.”
Warning: It may cause mutual admiration to break out. Side effects include collaboration and innovation.
Establish a Decision-Making Protocol
Who has the final say on what?
This is not weakness—it’s clarity. Make it part of the culture, not a battlefield.
Use tools like:
Rotating decision authority
Clear metrics for success
Pre-agreed tie-breakers (even a coin flip is better than the Cold War)
Learn to Lead AND Follow
Alphas are used to steering the ship. But smart captains also know when to hand the wheel to someone else.
Let go of the need to win and replace it with a need to elevate the mission.
Sometimes the strongest move is to follow. (Yep, even if your name’s on the door.)
From Clash to Collaboration: Real-World Strong Leaders Win
I’ve seen alpha duos go from combat to co-creation. One CEO-client team I coached (he was a fast-talking visionary, she was a systems-thinking operator) nearly broke the company with their tug-of-war.
Revenue doubled once they got clear on roles and stopped trying to one-up each other.
True leadership today is less about lone wolves and more about trusted packs.
The results are phenomenal when an alpha male and alpha female choose partnership over power play. Not only do they elevate each other, but they elevate everyone around them.
So if you’re an alpha, don’t size them up like prey next time you meet another one.
Size Your Competition Up Like a Partner.
Because together, you might build something no one else could.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS. Want to find your leadership pattern—and stop repeating outdated ones?
Take the Leadership Pattern Quiz and discover your breakthrough.
