Well, today is one of my favorite subjects, “The Jerk at Work, Not Me”. It’s out there. It’s always out there. We’re never the jerks at work. Are we?
Well, you never know, but here’s what I’d like to do. I’m going to give you a sentence that you can use. Craft it any way of one I’m giving you the bare bones of it. So that, when you talk with that jerk at work, the one who’s driving you crazy, that person who every time you see them, your hair stands on end and your stomach starts to rumble, and you just want to either run away or fight with them or you freeze.
The three ways that we behave when we are in tough situations, we either fight it out, we run away, we flee or we freeze like the deer in the headlight. So, no more that. Let’s talk about very quickly what this sentence is now, but before that, I just want to tell you, this it’s very important. Usually, that person but jerk at work, I call them sometimes ‘the petty tyrant’ has a lesson for you, has something that is a part that you’re looking at out there, that you’ve got inside. Who knows, but it’s worth checking out.
So, there are two parts to this sentence and the first part is, the truth. You take a cup of coffee, some tea, some chai, some coke. You take whatever you want and you go and say to them, “Can we have a few minutes?” or you text them and say, “When do you have time?” However, you want to do it, you’ve got to meet someplace quietly just the two of you, and what you start with is, the truth. I know, we’ve had some difficulties and then the big word that comes in and not, “But I know we’ve had some difficulties, but blah blah blah” because when people hear that, the but stops them. I know we’ve had some difficulties and very important, and I’d like to find a way to become better colleagues or whatever you want to put there. So, let me start from, “Again, I know we’ve had some difficulties and I’d like to find a way for us to become better colleagues.”
Often, I’ll put in something like that, and then say an extra add. So, it’s not a run-on sentence, but it’s two ads in there, and who knows maybe we can become friends. The stories that have come out of people doing this have been spectacular. So, give it a shot! Remember, I said, I’m going to keep these short just a few words to it. I want you to get the but out of your yes. I want you to get the but out of your sentences. I want you to change it to and, and use the word, “Friend it takes us back to when we were little kids. We all wanted to have friends. Will you be my friend? You know, will you be my friend.” You may find that when the two of you start to talk, you will find some place, places and ways that you really can connect differently.
So, give it a shot!
Let me know how it works, and to your success.
Thanks so much.
I’m so glad you’re here with me today, and it’s talking about communication whichever you think of it. We will learn how to talk, It’s a little baby. You’d start with, da, da, da, da, ma, ma, ma, but somehow we started putting words together, and out of that, we created sentences. So, we all learned how to talk but big question or and big question.
How many of us learned really how to communicate? And this month is dedicated to communication to captivate, and captivate means to intrigue, to get people to listen, to wanna really be with you, and I said, today I was going to just talk about four words, but I counted again after I wrote that, and it’s really five.
One word is so short. I had put it together that really make a difference when you’re talking with people, with your boss, with your colleagues, with your direct reports, with your clients, with your neighbors, with your husband or wife, with your partner, with your kids, anybody, and it has a little bit of magic to it, but the big part of it is, you have to really in here. Believe it, because we are now picking up phone, errors and fakeness all over the place. I’m not supportive.
I think what social media is in the middle of finding out what’s real, and what’s not, and we’re in the kind of in-between place. It’s, I call it, the people of the parenthesis. It’s where the old way doesn’t work anymore, and the new way hasn’t been fully created. So, we’re kind of in between that, and it’s an exciting place, because you can be creative and you can really do a lot of good things
So, I’m going to give you the words but first, I’m going to give you an example of somebody I was working with, who was really really upset, and she was telling me about a situation at work doesn’t matter what it is. It’s not the point. The point is, she was really upset and I was listening and finally, I asked her a question and she told a deeper truth, and again it doesn’t matter what the truth was. I could feel it. I could feel she was sharing something. She was being authentic. She was in words, really, really being able to be vulnerable, and as we talked, I looked at her, and then I thanked her for what she said and I used the formula, but again it has to come from here. Not just here and it was what you said means a lot to me. That’s it, “it means a lot to me.” So, it means a lot to me.
I told you five words not four. “It means a lot to me,” is a very powerful thing to say to someone.
The room got very quiet and she looked at me and she said, “Thank you for that because I was really, really feeling awkward and uncomfortable being that vulnerable.” Well, I’m used to being people being vulnerable with me all the time. I mean I was a psychologist and a family therapist, and before I moved into the business world, and even in the business world, I really help people get to the core of their own truths. Some you can say one on one, as they would do with me, and some you say in a group, and I’m always saying, be careful where you tell your truth. Somewhere you’re being vulnerable. You don’t want to make a fool out of yourself or do something that’s going to end up giving feedback to you, that you don’t like, but those words stick with people.
“It means a lot to me,” makes a difference because it goes in. It means you can hear them. They’re being heard. People are being heard and it’s a wonderful thing to do. So, I promise to keep these quicker and one sentence is all you get at a time anymore, because I know people are so busy. You can’t stay on too long. So, let me say this to end, “It means a lot to me that you’re here. It means a lot to me that you’re watching and listening. It means a lot to me that you care to make a difference in the world, and to find the best ways to communicate to captivate.
So, sign up for a strategy session. My team and I are here for you. I have some incredible coaches I’ve worked with. Most of them for many years, and they’re really solid great people.
Call me. I’d love to talk with you or email me and see if you’re in the mood to actually do something people aren’t doing much anymore. Read a book. My book “Gutsy” is great for women, and “Don’t Bring It to Work” still has major value for everybody in the workplace.
So, have a beautiful day and thanks for watching.
You have lots of questions and I have lots of answers.
So, let’s get started and move as quickly as we can. In the last few weeks, I have gotten so many questions and they fall into four categories. They fall into communication, conflict, work-life balance and guess what? The last one is the imposter syndrome, and we’ll look at all four of those very quickly, and see if I can help give you some ahas and ideas on how to move forward.
So, the first question was about communal, is a combination of communication and conflict and somebody wrote and said. When somebody and I are in a kind of tense situation and they look at their watch and say, “Look we’ll have to finish this later and walk away. I get furious when I stuff it. I keep it inside and I don’t say anything.” Later in the day somebody could say tomorrow’s Thursday, and I’ll go, “What are you talking about?” Just to get and take the emotion out of me.
What do I do? Well, here’s my question – your answer to give you another question to think about. When they walk away, I want you to look and say, “Did you feel abandoned or disrespected because there are two very different models to work from?” If you feel abandoned, when somebody walks away is a very old process and in our total leadership connections and our gutsy programs. We go into the depth of where that comes from if you feel disrespected, then you better speak up very quickly, very quickly, and I would go and find that person, and tell them how you feel.
Now, here’s the model that I’m giving all of you, and it goes like this: you start with, “When you walk away, I feel disrespected, and then I shut down. That’s exactly what this person told me they do right now.”
What I’m willing to do is time to sit and talk this through. What I’m not willing to do is ignore it. That’s clean clear and to the point. So, if you feel disrespected, please go right away and talk to somebody because communication conflict, work-life balance, even the imposter syndrome, they all mix together into an amazing stew.
So, one of the things that’s very important for you to do is, take a breath, and then wait a minute, 30 seconds, 10 seconds, whatever you have to to figure out. Where the upset in you is coming from, and then move forward with it, and if it’s feeling
abandoned, you need to look at a different situation in your own life. When you were a kid and nobody paid attention to you, and you didn’t know how to get the attention. So, we can talk about that. Give a call. Let us know. We have a team of wonderful coaches who can help you with that, but if you’re feeling really disrespected, speak up right away.
Now, when it comes to stress and burnout, listen. I’ve said it over and over, and we know self-care is not selfish. It’s really critical. So, do it, do it, do it, do it. Take a half a day. Take a health hour. Take something and do something for
yourself. Nurture yourself and it could be just simply going outside and breathing the air on a beautiful day or just looking out the window if it’s snowing, and look at that, but what you need to do is regroup, and most of us, many of us feel very guilty when we take the time for ourselves.
I think we should have a health today or a health hour or a health half-day put into everybody’s work week. Now I know. I don’t have a lot of time, and I said a lot of people have asked me about Megan Marco, which I thought was pretty interesting. So, let me tell you what I’ve come up with. Megan Markel moved into a family business, a very old family business. Centuries-old family businesses are complex in themselves but one that centuries old and is kind of in the eyes of the whole world, that’s a whole other story.
So, what I teach when somebody goes into a new organization? It’s really about finding the way to make change happen if that’s what you want to do and it sounds like, that’s what she’s intent on doing but you have to do it in a very, very specific way. First, you go in and you observe and you keep your mouth zipped other than asking questions. No judgment, no blame, no attack, no finger-pointing, no this one or that one, and it seems from the media at least, I mean I don’t know personally, but from the media.
Obviously, Megan did not observe. She went right in to make statements, and to talk about the changes. She wanted to make and what she wanted to do. Not a good idea in most organizations. If you’re thinking long term, you observe before you start to make changes. Then, you go to the next level, which is to understand where did all of this come from, and it may take some time to gather the information, but as Stephen Covey has said, “Seek first to understand before being understood.” So, you need to put all the pieces as best you can of the puzzle together to find it, and then you can start doing the work of transformation, and that’s where we circle back to communication.
It’s what you say and how you say it. That’s going to make all the difference. Now, the only other thing, I want to say Meagan Markel, that I’ve noticed is her ability to move away, to be an avoider, and I hope that that changes for her because it’s very sad to watch. In her first marriage, she sent the guy the rings back in a FedEx box to say, “It’s over.” When she wrote the letter to her dad to say, “I don’t want anything to do with you now, just go live your life.” She gave it to her agent to hand to or to get to her father. So, there is a kind of avoiding being in this situation. Now, I don’t want to judge more than that. I just want to say, “Pay attention.” Moving forward to how you respond to new situations. How you are when you join a new team, and begin to look at ways to communicate, to captivate in a powerful way.
Call us. We have as I said, a great group of coaches that can help with all the problems, but those are the questions, and I gave you the, “When you I feel,” and then, “I, what I’m willing to do and what I’m not willing to do.” That five-step approach to conflict and to communication is gold. I promise you that.
Have a beautiful day. Keep the questions coming in. Thanks.
In this video, I share how to take your communication skills through the roof (so everyone loves your message)
Have you ever spent lots of time making sure your leadership communication is clear?
That means it’s short and to the point. Right?
And when you check what you hear is, “Yes, it’s clear and I just don’t care!”
Listen in and I share how to communicate to captivate. It’s all about clarity AND caring.
Once you combine the ingredients of clarity with the real purpose of what you want to say you have the magic of a visionary who can make things happen.
Let me know your thoughts!
Today I’m talking to you about:
Getting To The Heart of The Matter: Honoring The Teachings of Ram Dass.
This master teacher showed us how the road to success can be sprinkled with delight:
* How to handle overwhelm
* How to master self doubt
* How to silence the inner critic
With deep respect for this amazing individual who gave so much to so many and will live on in our minds and especially in our hearts.
Let me know your thoughts, your comments and how I can help!
I hope you’re having a glorious day even though everything seems overwhelmed and rushed, and we can’t move fast enough, and we can’t please everybody but nonetheless we just keep persevering, right? Except, sometimes we feel submissive compliant filled with self-doubt, create self-sabotage.
Those days, everybody does it and what happens is, it gets worse and worse during holidays and celebrations, because we have these mental images about the way things should be, and when the moments of life come in, and we can’t get everything done the way we want.
Well, we do a couple of things: one is, many of us go into the victim mode. It’s my fault, I can’t do it right, it’s not good enough, it’s never good enough.
So, what do we do about all this?
If you feel overwhelmed and have a lot of self-doubt, I have three suggestions for you now.
This is only the beginning, because what happens is, a lot of this started when we were kids, and you couldn’t meet your parents expectations or your teachers expectations or even your friends expectations.
So, you began to say something wrong with me. We don’t put it out there. We say, there’s something wrong with me. So, if you were judged as a kid, it shows up in these moments of overwhelm as a grownup.
What to do about it?
Well, number one is, stop complaining but life is unfair. It’s not meant to be fair. It’s not here to coddle you. It’s here to challenge you, and it’s here to help you grow an experience.
So, if life is unfair and you feel you’re judged, stop complaining and look for solutions. It’s interesting because the victim in the patterns that I work with, becomes the bluer and here’s where I learned about this. In the native cultures when you go before the tribe, the tribunal, if you will and you have a problem and you’re upset about something, they will not listen unless you come in with three, one, two, three solutions. Three different solutions to the problem.
So that’s one of the things you can do now. Stop complaining and look for solutions.
Good idea takes a little time. Sit quietly and do it.
The next thing you need to do, whoops… I have to look at my notes for a minute… is, stop saying it’s all my fault. Sure, some of, it’s your fault. That’s fine. Some of, it’s everybody’s fault, but it’s not all your fault. So, what you need to do is, be accountable for your poet in it. Speak it. Say it. Bring it out. Don’t sit with it. Don’t put the pillow over your head and begin to whine and moan.
Simply acknowledge. Yep, this is the part I played. This is what I’m doing and the third thing, which I’ve said over and over is, please remember to prioritize and in prioritizing, know that this
sentence has helped so many people including me.
Remember, no is a complete sentence. You can say no. You don’t have to defend, explain or justify. You simply say no. I can’t do this right now. No, I have to fill in the blank. I have to go take a bath. I have to go get my hair done. I have to go read a book.
I have to go sit quietly and have a cup of tea whatever it is, but if you follow these three rules and really begin to let them sink in, they will begin to change the patterns and the way your brain processes things, and your mindset will begin to change.
So, have beautiful times at all holidays and all celebrations and remember things do escalate them. So, take a deep breath and find a way to have fun with it and have a beautiful rest of the day.
Thank you so much.
Oh wait a minute. Before I go, one more thing as a gift to yourself for this holiday time, why don’t you consider getting. Don’t bring it to work. I have all the 13 patterns in there that you can look at in detail to see where each one came from. We’re talking about the victim right now, but there’s also the martyr. There’s also the bully, the procrastinator.
They’re all these patterns that we’ve developed, that we need to let go of. So, a gift to yourself or someone else. Don’t bring it to work.
Thank you so much. Happy days.
Today, is about telling the truth without spilling your guts. So, let me tell you how this came about even that sentence I used to teach way back in the day telling the truth makes sense. We’re better when we tell the truths. We have less to remember. We have more credibility and we can sleep at night. Sounds good to me. So, I was at a meeting, facilitating a meeting with a group and a newly minted leader of the group and they were doing best practices and one of the things that happened was, somebody said, “Well, I have an idea.” And he said, “Whatever his idea was…” and this newly minted woman, who was in charge, who had been through some of my trainings said to him, “I don’t agree with you. I really think what you said is kind of stupid and furthermore, you know your ideas always seem to create more havoc than they do positive things to happen.”
Well, what do you think happened? The room got super silent and people literally started to slide under the conference table that we were sitting at, thinking I’m not going to open my mouth and say a word, and so, I did what is very clever for any facilitator out there or any leader. I said, “Why don’t we just take a quick break. We did, and I took this gal Diana, and I said, “Would you come in this other room with me?” And we walked in a room, and I closed the door and I said, “What were you thinking?” And she looked at me. Kind of like wide-eyed and she said, “But Sylvia, you teach to tell the truth.” And all of a sudden I took a deep breath and I thought at the end of that sentence has to be taught every time from here on, and that’s not about spilling your guts. Telling the truth is such a disciplined art form.
Truth sentences are short. They come from here, and here you have to connect them. You tell the truth from here. You get anger. You tell the truth from here. Without this and you get mush. They’re not strong enough. So, it’s the connection of heart and mind in telling the truth.
So, I’ve been asked a lot of questions about this, and one of them is, which words matter most. So, I’m going to give you what I think makes the biggest difference, and that is when you’re telling someone the truth, and you have finished your short sentence. It’s not a run-on sentence. It’s not a paragraph. I was really upset when that happened and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. That’s a short sentence.
The next one, the next words are the key ones, and now I’d like to hear from you because unless you create the dialogue, unless you create the connection, the truth will go the way it did. When we were little kids, and got yelled at, and we went and hid in a corner or wet now bedroom are walked outside, and thought, they don’t really know me. Most of us did that as kids.
So, here we go.
Telling the truth is not spilling your guts after you said it. You respond with, and now I’d like to hear from you, and the next one is, why is less always better than more, because once you begin to tell the truth, and you start to go on and on. What happens is, you lose the thread of the core of what you really wanted to say.
I’m going to give you an example. I’m working with a family business and two brothers who are arguing all the time, and one of them finally went to the other, and said,”Can we have some coffee? Can we just talk?” And he actually brought two containers of really good Starbucks coffee, and they sat down and the other brother surprised said, “Thanks for the coffee.” It was called a pattern interrupt. They didn’t do that very often, and the first brother said, “I really don’t know you very well, and we’re related and it makes me sad.” Those words had never been uttered from his mouth before. “I don’t know you very well.”
So, that’s all he said and he said. I wonder these are good words, wandering, curious are really good words to use. Also, when you’re talking about truth-telling, I wonder what your thoughts are about that. How do you feel about how we relate as brothers. The other brother looked at him and said, “Well, that’s never been said before.” And the first brother said, “I know, that’s why I said it.” And then he said those magic words, and now I’d like to hear from you.
The third is, how to find a best way to collaborate. Here’s another good sentence for truth-telling.
Now, it has to be this connection or at mind. Remember that, mind without heart is cruel and heart without mind is weak. It’s the combination that makes the difference, and the third is, it means a lot to me.
These are very simple sentences, but man, I’ll tell you or lady or woman or whoever they go in to the other person, and as we’re talking, and the truth is coming out, and you say, it means a lot to me. Finish the sentence. It means a lot to me that you’re sitting here and not leaving in anger. It means a lot to me that we’re finally getting a chance to talk. It means a lot to me.
So, that’s it for the today, and as we look around the world, right now, we are starving for truth. We’re starving for what’s real, we’re starving for integrity.
I’m waiting for Tom Hanks and Mr. Rodgers to show up around Christmas time, because I think that’s going to make a difference for us.
So, practice telling the truth without spilling your guts and have a beautiful rest of the day, and thank you for your time, and listening to this and watching it.
Thank you so much.
Today I’m discussing:
Gravity Statements (A New Way Of Thinking) Saves Leaders Aggravation.
Here is what you will learn when you listen in:
* How Gravity Impacts your conversations.
* The key to a great Gravity statement.
* Let Gravity help you get past overwhelm.
Are you ready to explore this powerful concept deeper? Sign up for a breakthrough session with me here: https://ceoptions.com/apply/
I love this video I cover:
+ + Why modesty is an over-rated virtue.
How self-doubt sets up sabotage.
How to “toot your own horn” without being obnoxious.
The world has changed and women can no longer be shushed or denied their time to speak out.
Using the tips, I will give you for effective communication can boost your personal brand as you you self-promote.
Let me help you find the balance point between overwhelming others with your prowess and undervaluing your accomplishments.
It’s easier than you think and will help you get your next promotion or the plum assignment you’ve been yearning for.
It’s’ time to Go Bigger>>> Go Bolder>>> GO GUTSY