Summary: Leadership is often misunderstood. Many people assume that if a leader is nice, as in pleasant, agreeable, generous, and always trying to keep the peace, they are automatically effective. Not always. In fact, some of the most quietly frustrating workplaces are led by nice leaders. Let’s take a closer look at how this behavior impacts teams.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
Honestly, for many years, I have been told how nice I am as a team leader. In fact, I’ve always taken this as a compliment, that is until recently, when one of my senior team colleagues said to me, “Nice will not win over time.”
That night I had a dreadful dream about how I was always yelled at for just about anything I did growing up, including the fact that I would breathe too loudly. I could not win no matter what I did. So, I became nice to everyone, which is what I thought I wanted for myself.
Some would call this the Pleaser pattern. I call it the OP, or Over-Pleaser, because it is usually over the top.
Back to my work situation: I asked my team member for clarification and was told, “Well, you are not kind, often not clear, and especially not courageous in your decisions. And I guess that leaves, just, nice.”
Help me understand what to do to become more self-aware through what you call “The GLIMMERS Effect™” protocol. Nice won’t work anymore, and I’m fearful that I will soon lose my job because of it.
Signed,
Not So Nice
Nice Is Not the Same as Kind
Dear Not So Nice,
Your colleague is correct. “Nice” leadership can create deep resentment, confusion, and emotional fatigue. Through The GLIMMERS Effect™, we can see why this happens. Hidden behavioral patterns, often learned long before someone entered the meeting room, shape how leaders communicate, avoid conflict, make decisions, and build trust.
Your dream nailed it! You became nice because you felt attacked as a child. You wanted to give what you never got as a child. And, might I add, you hoped that nice behavior would be returned to you in spades.
However, what looks like kindness on the outside may actually be fear, avoidance, or an unconscious need to be liked. And teams feel it. Kind leadership is rooted in honesty, accountability, and respect.
Nice Leadership Is Often Rooted in Discomfort
For example, here is what a nice leader may do:
- Avoid difficult conversations
- Say “yes” when they mean “no”
- Delay decisions to avoid upsetting others
- Over-help and unintentionally dis-empower the team
- Refuse to confront poor behavior
- Smile while quietly building frustration underneath
At first, this can seem pleasant. Eventually, it creates resentment. Here is why.
People Do Not Trust Inconsistency
If a leader says, “Everything is fine,” but tension is clearly rising, employees feel unsafe. The nervous system notices what words try to hide. That is where GLIMMERS come in. A nice leader is rarely just being polite. Often, there is a hidden behavioral pattern underneath. In my work, one of the strongest patterns connected to “nice leadership” is The Pleaser.
The Pleaser often learned early in life that safety came from approval. If conflict meant rejection, then disagreement meant emotional withdrawing, and keeping everyone happy created survival at any cost. That same pattern often shows up in the workplace. The leader becomes approval-driven instead of truth-driven.
For example, they over-accommodate or avoid healthy confrontation. They try to be loved instead of respected. Then resentment grows, both in others and inside themselves.
>> Curious about your own hidden patterns? Take my Leadership Pattern discovery quiz!
Look Beneath the Obvious Behavior
The problem is not kindness. It is what nice behavior may be hiding.
Teams often resent nice leaders because they experience:
- Lack of Boundaries
When leaders cannot say no, everyone else pays the price. Deadlines shift, priorities become fuzzy, and workloads become unfair. People begin wondering, “Why does bad behavior keep getting rewarded?”
- Uneven Accountability
Nice leaders may avoid correcting poor performers.
Their thinking may sound like:
- “I don’t want to embarrass them.”
- “Maybe it will fix itself.”
- “I don’t want conflict.”
Meanwhile, strong performers often carry extra work, and that creates silent bitterness.
- Emotional Confusion
A smiling leader who suppresses frustration becomes unpredictable. Eventually they may explode, withdraw, or become passive-aggressive. The team thinks, “Wait… I thought everything was okay?” That inconsistency erodes trust.
Interrupt the Pattern Before It Becomes Culture
Here is the hard truth: Unaddressed niceness can become organizational dysfunction.
When leaders avoid truth:
- Meetings become vague
- Gossip increases
- Passive-aggression spreads
- People stop speaking honestly
- Innovation shrinks
- Accountability weakens
The culture becomes polite, but not healthy. Calm is contagious, but so is confusion. If a leader consistently avoids discomfort, the team learns to do the same.
Move From Pleasing to Powerful Presence
This is where transformation begins. A GLIMMERS leader asks, “Am I being kind, or am I trying to be liked?” That one question can change everything.
Powerful presence includes:
- Clear Boundaries — Leaders can care deeply and still say no.
- Honest Feedback — Truth builds trust faster than false harmony.
- Emotional Regulation — Pause before reacting. Speak with steadiness.
- Respect Over Approval — Not everyone needs to like the leader.
But people do need clarity, and teams need leadership that doesn’t create more confusion for them.
Make Room for the Ugly Middle
Change is uncomfortable for most people. And for leaders who have built their identity around being “the nice one,” growth may feel risky. They may fear rejection, looking harsh, being misunderstood, or losing connection. This is what I call The Ugly Middle, the stretch between old patterns and new leadership capacity.
A leader may begin setting new (but necessary) boundaries and hear, “You’ve changed.” Healthy leadership often feels awkward before it feels natural.
Examine the Outcome
When leaders move from being nice to being grounded in clarity, teams notice.
Here is what shifts:
- Trust deepens
- Expectations become clear
- Conflict becomes healthier
- High performers feel protected
- Decision-making improves
- Emotional safety rises
The leader is no longer managing approval; they are leading with awareness.
Regulate Before You Relate
The nervous system plays a key part in all of this. When leaders feel stress, old family patterns tend to rise. That’s when “JUBLA” occurs: the need to judge, blame or attack. The GLIMMERS Effect™ reminds us that leadership is not just strategy. It is regulation.
Consider the alignment of head, heart, and gut. When there is cohesion, leaders respond with choice instead of habit. That is the difference between reactive niceness and authentic leadership.
Sustain the Shift
The final shift is ongoing.
Ask yourself:
- Do I avoid truth to keep peace?
- Do I say yes when I mean no?
- Do I confuse approval with trust?
- Am I helping, or rescuing?
- Is my niceness creating clarity or resentment?
The most respected leaders are rarely the nicest people in the room, but they are often the most grounded. They tell the truth, listen deeply, and hold boundaries. In essence, they stay human. And that is the heart of The GLIMMERS Effect™.
Small moments of awareness create transformational leadership change. Because leadership is not about being liked, it’s about leading with clarity, courage, and connection.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS: If you’re ready to make change possible for you and your team, take my Leadership Pattern quiz to discover the hidden pattern running your internal operating system, then explore my Total Leadership Connections program to start integrating those changes.
