Summary: Have you ever walked out of a meeting thinking, “Why did I say that?” or “Why didn’t I speak up when it mattered?” You replay the moment in your head, knowing you missed an opportunity for connection. That’s not a lack of skill. It’s a pattern at work. And unless leaders learn to recognize their patterns as they happen, connection doesn’t just weaken, it quietly disappears. Read on to find out how to change this self-defeating pattern.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
We live in a world of sound bites and superficial conversations.
I watch my team at work nod when they want to speak, then smile or say something meaningless instead of talking honestly.
What is happening?
I need tools to help them have meaningful dialogues rather than becoming puppets.
Please advise.
Signed,
Mute No More
The Moment I Knew Patterns Run the Show
Much of my work has grown out of listening, really listening, to what people don’t always say at work.
Over the years, I’ve sat with leaders who were successful on the outside and quietly struggling on the inside. I watched how invisible stress shows up in the body long before it shows up in performance, how early patterns repeat themselves in meetings and relationships, and how people long to be seen for who they truly are, not just for what they produce.
That’s what led me to write my books, including Invisible Stress, UNIQUE, and most recently GLIMMERS at WORK.
Each book reflects a different doorway into the same conversation: how stress, patterns, and intuition live in the body, and how awareness gives us choice.
This series on Human Connection at Work brings those ideas together in real time. It’s about slowing down enough to notice what’s happening beneath the surface, honoring the signals of head, heart, and gut, and choosing connection instead of repetition.
If these reflections resonate, trust that something meaningful is stirring.
Quiet Recognition is Often the First Glimmer
Years ago, I was facilitating a leadership session where two colleagues were locked in a familiar dance.
One pushed hard, fast ideas, decisive tone.
The other nodded, agreed, and later complained privately.
Halfway through, I noticed the shift. The “agreeable” leader had stopped breathing fully. Her shoulders tightened. Her voice softened, not in confidence, but in retreat.
There it was. Not a disagreement problem.
It was a pattern collision.
When I gently named what I was noticing, she said, “I always do this. I disappear when things get intense.”
That awareness, spoken aloud, changed everything.
Patterns Lose Power the Moment We See Them
Patterns aren’t the problem. Unconscious patterns are.
In my book Don’t Bring It To Work, and then in UNIQUE, I write about how each of us brings our individuality to the workplace, including the protective strategies we learned long before our job titles existed.
Patterns like:
- The Pleaser who smiles and says, “yes,” to be liked and feel safe
- The Rescuer who jumps in too fast
- The Persecutor/Bully who tightens their grip to be in charge under stress
- The Avoider who goes silent when emotions rise
These patterns once kept us safe.
But at work, they often block connections rather than build them.
And here’s the key:
Patterns don’t announce themselves. They hijack us quietly.
The Glimmer That Signals a Pattern Is Taking Over
This is where GLIMMERS at Work come in.
A glimmer is the early signal that your pattern is activating:
- A sudden urge to explain, justify, or withdraw
- Or perhaps a tight jaw, shallow breath, or racing thoughts
- An emotional spike that feels disproportionate to the moment
That’s not a weakness. It is information.
The glimmer is your invitation to interrupt the pattern before it runs the meeting—or the relationship.
How Leaders Interrupt Patterns in Real Time
Interrupting a pattern doesn’t mean fixing yourself on the spot.
It means choosing awareness over autopilot.
Here’s what that can look like:
- Pausing and taking one full breath
- Naming internally: “This is my pattern, not the whole truth.”
- Staying present even when discomfort rises
These micro-moments are where leadership actually lives.
Not in polished performance, but in conscious choice.
Why GLIMMERS Change Everything
When leaders interrupt patterns:
- Conversations slow down
- Defensiveness softens
- Trust deepens
And most importantly, connections become possible again. People don’t need perfect leaders.
They need leaders who notice when they’re about to repeat the past and choose differently.
The Invitation to Grow As a Leader
Before your next meeting, try this:
Notice one physical or emotional signal that shows up when things get tense.
Ask yourself: What pattern is trying to take over right now?
Choose one small interruption, pause, breathe, ask, listen.
That’s not hesitation, it’s leadership.
If you want to understand your patterns more deeply, begin with my book UNIQUE.
If you want to catch them as they happen and change course, continue with GLIMMERS at Work.
When leaders stop repeating old patterns, the connection has room to grow, and so do people.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS: This series on Human Connection at Work brings those ideas together in real time. It’s about slowing down enough to notice what’s happening beneath the surface, honoring the signals of head, heart, and gut, and choosing connection instead of repetition. If these reflections resonate, trust that something meaningful is stirring. That quiet recognition is often the first glimmer. Contact me at sylvia@ceoptions.com for a complimentary coaching session.
