Summary: Let’s start with a question that you don’t get asked often, if ever: When was the last time you changed your underwear? Hopefully, this morning. Most of us wouldn’t dream of wearing the same underwear day after day. We also replace worn-out socks, buy new shoes, upgrade our phones, and trade in cars that no longer serve us. Yet many of us are still wearing behavioral patterns we picked up when we were six years old. Now that’s uncomfortable. Here is what you are missing that is within your grasp.
Dear Dr. Lafair,
I get it. What I do is keep reacting when I am angry or feel defeated in a similar way. I curl up like a frightened kitten wanting to hide from the world. I’d like your help. I need a map to help me find better ways to respond rather than merely react. For example, as a child, I would hide under my bed when situations were difficult.
Now, I simply leave the office, get in my car, and drive for an hour until I finally stop the noise in my head and the shaking in my body that keeps saying, “Still not good enough!”
What can I do to move beyond my childhood fears?
Signed,
Need to Know
Survival Strategies Don’t Make Great Leadership Strategies
Dear Need to Know,
You are spot on! We know when our clothes don’t fit anymore. When our eyeglass prescription needs updating, we see a doctor. We even know when the milk has gone bad. Yet somehow, we keep squeezing ourselves into outdated beliefs like:
“If I don’t do it myself, it won’t get done right.”
“Conflict should be avoided.”
“I have to prove I’m good enough.”
“People can’t be trusted.”
Those patterns may have protected you decades ago. Perhaps they helped you survive a chaotic childhood, an unpredictable teacher, or a difficult relationship. But imagine showing up to an executive meeting still wearing underwear from 2005. Ridiculous, right? And yet leaders regularly arrive carrying mental and emotional baggage that’s just as outdated.
For example, consider the super achiever who still hears a critical parent’s voice. Then there is the pleaser who can’t say “no.” Maybe you are an avoider who hopes difficult conversations will magically disappear. Or the rescuer who solves everyone else’s problems while ignoring their own.
None of these are personality flaws. They’re old patterns wearing new business suits.
Ingrained and outdated survival instincts are always at play. Ask yourself, “Why do I routinely replace things that wear out, except the invisible patterns that quietly run my life?” All you need is one GLIMMER to get to new, rewarding places in your life.
Pattern Awareness Changes Everything
Pattern awareness asks a simple but powerful question: Is this reaction coming from today’s reality, or yesterday’s programming? That one pause creates space to choose curiosity instead of criticism, connection instead of control, and a GLIMMER instead of another trigger.
Here’s what I’ve discovered after coaching leaders around the world for more than three decades: people don’t need a new personality; they need a new pattern. The best leaders don’t pretend they’ve never been triggered. They simply recognize the signal sooner. Effective leaders notice the old story beginning to play, smile at it, thank it for trying to protect them, and choose a different response. That’s the GLIMMERS Effect™.
So tomorrow morning, when you reach into your drawer for a fresh pair of underwear, ask yourself one more question: What outdated pattern am I finally ready to change today?
Your team probably won’t notice your fresh underwear, but they’ll absolutely notice your fresh leadership. And trust me, that’s the change everyone has been waiting for.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
P.S. My new book GLIMMERS at WORK: The Self-Aware Leader’s Advantage comes out this October. Get a free copy of the introduction here and be the first to know when it launches!
