Summary: The recent elections did more than make political history. They challenged generations of unwritten rules about who gets to lead, whose voice matters, and what happens when someone refuses to remain invisible.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I watched the election results and was struck by something beyond which political party won or lost. At least four women made history in ways that would have seemed almost impossible to their mothers and grandmothers. And I found myself asking a question: Are we simply witnessing political milestones, or are we watching generations of outdated leadership patterns begin to break?
I believe it is both. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Signed,
Questioning Life
The Invisible Rules Nobody Talks About
Dear Questioning Life,
Every generation inherits certain assumptions about leadership. Who gets to speak? Or make decisions? Who gets to sit at the head of the table? And perhaps most importantly, who gets pushed into the background? These unwritten rules rarely get spoken aloud, yet they profoundly shape how people think, behave, and lead.
I know. I experienced them firsthand.
The Day I Became Invisible
Years ago, while supervising family therapy students, I was invited to participate in a meeting with the heads of several departments at a prestigious medical school. Five men sat around the table. They were accomplished, highly educated, and respected in their fields. I was pleased to be included.
Or so I thought.
When I offered my perspective, they smiled politely, thanked me, and continued talking as though I had said nothing. I had been invited into the room, yet somehow rendered invisible. So, I sat quietly and observed.
As the discussion continued, disagreements escalated. These brilliant men began interrupting, dismissing, and competing with one another. Suddenly, an image popped into my mind. They looked like toddlers sitting in high chairs, throwing oatmeal at one another. I almost laughed.
Here were some of the finest academic minds, and their behavior had become remarkably childish. That day, I learned something I have never forgotten: Having a seat at the table means very little if your voice is not heard. I also realized that intelligence, impressive credentials, and professional status do not automatically create emotional maturity.
I left that meeting determined to understand why intelligent people repeat ineffective patterns, and how those patterns can be changed. In fact, I also decided that I would find better ways to speak up, be heard, and help other women do the same. Years later, that commitment became part of the foundation for my book, GUTSY: How Women Leaders Make Change, and it continues to inform my work with leaders today.
Now, decades later, I watched four women step across boundaries that had existed for generations, and I thought about that meeting. The chairs are changing, but are the patterns changing with them?
Meet Four Women Changing the Leadership Picture
Deb Haaland: New Mexico
A member of Laguna Pueblo, Deb Haaland has become the first Native American woman elected governor in United States history. Think about the significance. A woman whose Indigenous ancestors lived on this land long before the United States existed will now lead one of its states. That is more than a political first. It challenges centuries of assumptions about who belongs in positions of authority.
Keisha Lance Bottoms: Georgia
The former mayor of Atlanta has become the first Black woman elected governor in American history. For generations, Black women have built communities, established institutions, and advocated for change despite facing barriers to the highest political offices. Now another barrier has fallen.
Peggy Flanagan: Minnesota
A member of the White Earth Band of Ojibwe, Flanagan has become the first Native American woman elected to the United States Senate. Her election brings a historically underrepresented perspective into one of the country’s most influential institutions.
Gina Hinojosa: Texas
Hinojosa has become the first Latina elected governor of Texas. In a state profoundly shaped by Mexican and Hispanic history, a Latina woman will now occupy its highest executive office.
Four women. Each on a different journey. There are four historic breakthroughs, and one important reminder: Sometimes the rules we assume are permanent are simply patterns that have gone unchallenged for too long.
Our First Organization Is the Family
Here is where these elections connect to the work I have spent decades exploring. Our first organization is the family. Long before we enter a corporate boardroom, government office, or leadership meeting, we learn the rules of belonging.
Some are spoken: Work hard. Respect your elders. Don’t make trouble.
Others are communicated without a single word: Know your place. Don’t challenge authority. People like us don’t do things like that.
Messages can become patterns, and patterns, when left unexamined, can quietly influence our decisions for a lifetime. The child who learns to please everyone may become the executive who cannot say no. Someone who learns to fight every restriction may become the leader who challenges authority even when collaboration would work better. And the youngster who learns to remain invisible may become an adult who hesitates to claim a seat at the table.
Yet here is the good news: What is learned can be examined. What is examined can be transformed. That is true for individuals, families, organizations, and even nations.
Breaking a Barrier Is Not the Same as Transforming a System
Here is where I want to challenge the easy celebration. Yes, these elections are historic. Representation matters. And yes, opening doors that have been closed for generations is worth celebrating. However, a different face at the top does not automatically create a different leadership culture. A woman can inherit an outdated leadership system and repeat its worst habits, and a man can recognize those same habits and help transform them.
Leadership transformation is not determined by gender, race, or political affiliation; it is determined by awareness, accountability, and behavior. The real test for these newly elected women will come after the celebrations end.
Here are the key questions: How will they handle disagreement? Will they invite different perspectives? Can they acknowledge mistakes without becoming defensive? And especially, will they use authority to encourage collaboration or simply reinforce existing divisions?
These are questions every leader should be willing to answer, because breaking through a barrier is an achievement. Changing what happens on the other side of that barrier is leadership.
From Triggers to GLIMMERS: Where Real Change Begins
In my new book, GLIMMERS at WORK: The Self-Aware Leader’s Advantage, I explore how leaders can recognize the patterns that surface under stress and transform automatic reactions into conscious choices.
The process follows five steps:
Trigger → Pattern → Pause → Ugly Middle → Choice
Think back to my meeting at the medical school. The trigger was disagreement. The patterns included interrupting, competing, and dismissing different perspectives. What was missing? The pause. That brief moment when someone recognizes an old reaction and decides not to repeat it.
Then comes what I call the Ugly Middle. That uncomfortable space where the old behavior is familiar, but a different response is possible.
Finally, there is choice. Imagine if one of those distinguished professors had stopped and said: “Wait a minute. We are so busy defending our positions that we have stopped listening. What are we missing?”
That single moment could have changed the entire conversation. That is a GLIMMER.
A moment of awareness that creates the possibility of a better choice. And better choices can transform far more than one meeting. They can change teams, families, organizations, and cultures.
The Leadership Question Nobody Should Ignore
The question is no longer simply whether women can reach the highest levels of leadership. Clearly, they can.
The more interesting question is this: Can we stop passing down outdated ideas about who is supposed to lead and how leadership is supposed to look? Consider what happens in organizations every day.
Here are some examples:
- A promising young employee offers an unconventional idea. Does the manager listen?
- A woman challenges a longstanding policy. Is she viewed as courageous or difficult?
- An employee from a different cultural background questions how decisions are made. Is that person welcomed or quietly pushed aside?
These are the everyday moments when leadership patterns become visible and when transformation either begins or gets blocked.
A Final Thought: The Door Is Open. Now What?
I hope these four women will be judged not only by the barriers they broke but by the quality of their leadership in the years ahead. They deserve the same thoughtful scrutiny, expectations, and accountability as anyone entrusted with public office. Their elections remind us that some limitations we accept as permanent are actually patterns waiting to be challenged. And that lesson extends far beyond politics. It belongs in our workplaces, our families, and our communities.
I think again about that meeting years ago. Five distinguished men. One woman whose perspective was politely dismissed. And an unforgettable image of oatmeal flying through the air. I could have left that room believing I didn’t belong. Instead, I left determined to change how people understand leadership. That choice helped shape my life’s work. Because the most important leadership transformation is not simply changing who occupies the chair.
Change the Patterns That Determine What Happens
Perhaps that is the real GLIMMER from this election; the future does not have to repeat the past. We can learn from it. Even transform it. And we can create something better. The door is open. Now let’s change what happens inside the room.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
P.S. Now it’s your turn—What is one unwritten rule about leadership that you learned growing up and now believe needs to change? Share your thoughts. Sometimes the most powerful transformation begins with one honest conversation.
