Summary: Christmas shows up with a lot of PR. It arrives wearing sparkly lights and big promises of joy, togetherness, peace on earth, warm cookies, matching pajamas, and flawless family photos. And for some people, that’s exactly what happens. For others, Christmas feels more like an emotional group project… with no agenda… and someone forgot to bring the glue. If you’re feeling tender, hopeful, and raw today, you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re doing something more honest: being human.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I know your father died suddenly of a heart attack on Christmas Day, when you were fourteen years old.
My upset is not that tragic. However, It will be the first Christmas I will not spend with my wife and three children.
With divorce comes many sad times, and holidays are escalated, at least for me.
Can you please offer some thoughts to keep me on even keel, even though I will be alone this year?
Signed,
Hoping to be HAPPY
The Truth: Holidays Turn Up the Volume
Dear Hoping to be HAPPY,
Christmas doesn’t create our feelings; it amplifies what’s already there.
If you’re joyful, you feel more joyful. And, if you’re lonely, you feel it louder.
When you’re grieving, the memories get sharper, and if you’re in a complicated relationship, the “shoulds” show up like uninvited guests who won’t take off their shoes.
And here’s what I want you to hear clearly: you are not weak for feeling it. You are awake.
Hope Isn’t Denial. Hope Is Direction.
A lot of people confuse hope with pretending. But real hope doesn’t say, “Everything is fine.”
Real hope says, “Even if everything isn’t fine, I can take one step toward what matters.”
Hope can be quiet. It can be as small as sending a kind text instead of replaying an argument Or making a meal even if you don’t feel festive.
What I used to do for many years was to take a walk to let my nervous system exhale.
Hope is Not a Performance. It’s a Practice.
Here’s the part we don’t put on greeting cards:
Many of us sit down at holiday tables with more than a plate; we bring old roles, old wounds, old expectations.
The “responsible one.”
The “peacemaker.”
The “invisible one.”
The “never good enough one.”
The “I’ll just keep things light so nobody notices I’m falling apart” one.
Sound familiar?
These patterns don’t disappear because someone hung a wreath. They show up in sharper colors.
The win today is not “perfect harmony.” The win is awareness. Because when you can notice your pattern, you’re no longer trapped inside it.
After my dad died, I became a rescuer, especially taking care of my mother. She was in shock for almost a year, and I would do whatever I could to make her smile. Especially on this most festive holiday.
A Christmas Reset: 3 Simple Moves
If today feels emotionally loaded, try this (no incense required):
1) Name what’s true.
“I’m sad.”
“I’m overwhelmed.”
“I miss someone.”
“I’m relieved it’s almost over.”
Naming is regulating. It tells your body, I’m paying attention.
2) Choose one nourishing thing.
One. Not ten. Not a full reinvention.
Water. Music. A nap. A quiet prayer. A text to a safe person.
Small acts are how we rebuild ourselves.
3) Do one brave, kind action.
Brave doesn’t mean dramatic. It means aligned.
Remember that “no” is a complete sentence.
Say “I miss you” without demanding a response.
Be clear when you say, “I need a minute,” and actually take it.
That’s leadership. Not just at work, but in life.
If You’re Alone Today…
Let me speak directly to you: being alone is not the same as being unloved.
Sometimes being alone is a season. Often it’s a choice. Most importantly, it’s just the reality of life shifting.
If today is quiet, make it intentionally quiet: light a candle for what you’ve survived. Buy yourself something that brings you comfort or joy. Do something that makes you feel like you again.
You don’t need a crowd to make the day have meaning.
If You’re With People Today…
And if you’re with family, friends, or a house full of chaos: Permit yourself to be imperfectly present. You don’t have to fix anyone.
Please remember, you don’t have to carry the emotional weather for the whole room. And, you don’t have to earn belonging by over-functioning.
You can show up as a whole person, not a holiday mascot.
A Different Kind of Christmas Wish
My wish for you today isn’t “Merry and Bright.”
My wish is this: May you find one moment of calm in your body, with one moment of warmth in your heart.
Find one moment of clarity in your mind. Also, one moment where you realize, I’m still here. And I’m still becoming.
That’s a glimmer.
And glimmers are how the light gets in.
Here’s to a Merry Christmas that’s real, imperfect, and still full of possibility.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
