Summary: Holiday season is built on gratitude, tradition, and… the annual replay of the same dynamics you swore you’d outgrown. You know what I mean. Read on and remember to do the homework at the end of the blog.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I want positive change. Please help.
I would love a blog I can copy and offer to my relatives. This year, I am determined to clear the past to free the present and the future.
Signed,
Living for Today
Patterns Don’t Stay at the Holiday Table. They Hitch a Ride to Work With You
Dear Living for Today,
Yes, it’s often the same every year.
In fact, the whole month of December is a living lab to observe, understand, and transform the patterns you have been dragging around since childhood. The moment most of us walk through the door, being with our relatives, something strange happens. Generous, wise, world-traveling, leadership-shaping YOU starts responding from the same old family script you’ve spent the last decade trying to rewrite.
1. The Super-Achiever Arrives Early (With a Spreadsheet)
She’s here to “help,” which means reorganizing the kitchen, optimizing oven rotation schedules, and reminding everyone that last year’s cooking timeline was deeply inefficient.
Bless her. She can’t help herself. Her worth was built on performance long before she had a fancy office.
2. The Rebel Shows Up Empty-Handed but Loud
He brings a six-pack, a strong opinion on politics, and zero interest in contributing anything that involves actual labor.
He’s not lazy, he’s allergic to control. If the family once stifled him, he’ll spend adulthood proving nobody can boss him around, even about cranberries.
3. The Clown Does a Lap for Laughs
Every year, someone uses humor to dodge the discomfort.
“Oh look, Uncle Stu made gluten-free stuffing again, my favorite invisible dish!”
Laughing is safer than feeling. But inside? A longing just to belong without performing.
4. The Martyr? She’s in the Kitchen Right Now. Crying. Quietly.
She insists, “I’ve got it, don’t worry,” but her energy screams:
“Please notice how much I’m doing while no one appreciates me.”
This pattern is the ghost of obligations past. It shows up with a baster and a grudge.
5. The Pleaser Is Passing the Rolls and Avoiding Conflict Like It’s Poison
He will smile through anything: overcooked turkey, undercooked opinions, and the emotional landmines sprinkled across the table.
Harmony at any cost. Even if the cost is his own truth.
6. The Splitter Starts the Annual ‘Who Ruined Thanksgiving?’ Sweepstakes
They love a good “hero vs. villain” narrative.
This year’s target? Anyone. Possibly you.
To them, nuance is suspicious, and grey zones are where danger lives.
Why This Matters to Leaders
Because here’s the kicker:
If the holiday season opens old wounds, the workplace dresses them up in business-casual.
The Super-Achiever becomes the burned-out high performer.
The Rebel becomes the resistant employee.
The Clown derails meetings.
The Martyr becomes the overburdened team member.
The Pleaser becomes the conflict-avoidant leader.
The Splitter becomes the chaos creator who costs companies millions.
Same patterns. Different menu.
Where Glimmers Show Up
This year, the holidays can also be a laboratory for transformation, if you’re brave enough to look.
You feel yourself gearing up to overwork, and you step back.
Often, you hear that old family criticism rise in your chest, and you breathe instead of snapping.
Perhaps you catch the urge to rescue, and you let someone else carry the casserole.
You notice the drama coming your way and choose to respond, not react.
Tiny choice. Big future.
A Holiday Challenge (Yes, I’m Giving Homework)
This year, try this simple, sanity-saving experiment:
Holiday Pattern Reset
- Name your dominant pattern the moment you feel it tug at you.
- Notice where it shows up physically: chest, gut, breath, shoulders.
- Give it a humorous nickname.
(“Ah, yes, here comes Martha Stewart on Steroids.”) - Interrupt it with one glimmer action:
A pause, a breath, a boundary, a quiet “no thanks,” or a strategic walk to the backyard. - Observe how the whole system shifts a degree.
Because when one person shifts, the whole family shifts, even if only by a pixel. And pixels add up.
The Real Gratitude
Gratitude is not for the tree. Nor is it for the presents.
Not even for Aunt Linda’s yearly reminder that she’s shocked you’re still not married to whoever she approved of in 1992.
The real gratitude is this:
You’re evolving.
You’re more self-aware than your younger self ever dreamed.
And you’re breaking patterns your family never had the tools to break.
That’s not just leadership.
That’s legacy.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS. Click here for a free copy of the introduction to “Invisible Stress: It’s NOT What YOU Think.” It’s at the top of the home page. You will need this book over the holidays. Enjoy.
