Summary: If there were a magic pill for leadership, this is it: Set clear expectations. Hold people accountable. Follow up. Simple? Yes. Easy? Not on your life. Read on. Here is help to get you past ‘Go’ and win the game.
Dear Dr Sylvia,
I am in a new Senior Vice President position at work.
More is expected. And I am ready to give that “more.”
I was reviewing what I learned in your Total Leadership Connections program. Becoming pattern-aware has been eye-opening. I use what I’ve learned, especially during performance reviews. As for me, I can now say I am finally outgrowing my pattern of being an avoider.
However, this is where I continue to avoid: holding people accountable still ruffles my feathers.
Here is my question: What is the best starting point for me to give more?? There are so many places I can focus my energy,
Ready for your thoughts
Signed,
Working Smarter
Setting Clear Expectations: Your First Line of Defense Against Chaos
Dear Working Smarter,
I’m thrilled you can “name the pattern.” Admitting you have avoidance tendencies is like kicking open an unlocked cage door. By observing and understanding the avoider pattern, you can step out into a whole new world.
Congrats, you are on the right train on the right track. Keep going and keep growing.
Here’s the big picture. In a world where leaders are drowning in complexity and craving connection, this trifecta of SET expectations, HOLD people accountable, and FOLLOW UP is the backbone of trust, performance, and psychological safety. Yet most leaders avoid these three steps like they avoid dental appointments, with creative excuses and wishful thinking.
You Can’t Hold Anyone Accountable for an Expectation You Never Actually Set
Leaders often assume people “should just know.” Spoiler: they don’t.
Assumptions create confusion, and confusion creates drama, the kind I write about in my book Don’t Bring It To Work.
Setting expectations is more than a kickoff meeting or a bullet-point email.
It means:
- Defining what you want
- Explaining why it matters
- Clarifying how success will be measured
- Confirming the other person actually understands
When expectations are clear, performance skyrockets; when they’re fuzzy, patterns from the “first organization” (yes, the family) take over: pleasers stay vague, rebels resist, avoiders vanish, and super-achievers overcompensate.
Expectations aren’t control. They’re alignment. Even more profound, they’re kindness with structure.
Here is the bottom line: expectations are leadership oxygen.
Accountability: The Word Everyone Loves to Preach and Hates to Practice
Accountability has a branding problem.
People hear it and think: punishment, policing, micromanagement.
But real accountability is about commitment, not control.
It’s simply this:
“You said you would. Did you?”
Holding people accountable is less about checking up and more about calling them up, up to their potential, their promises, their professionalism, and the team’s shared mission.
But here’s the kicker:
Leaders struggle with accountability because it triggers old emotional patterns.
Pleasers don’t want to disappoint.
Avoiders sidestep tough conversations.
Victims fear being disliked.
Splitters go all-or-nothing: silence, silence, then explosion.
Drama kings/queens either avoid it or make it a three-act play.
Accountability requires emotional maturity. It’s leadership grown-up time.
And it’s also the single fastest way to eliminate resentment, burnout, and broken trust.
Following Up: The Step Leaders Think They Can Skip
Follow-up is where expectations and accountability either become reality or evaporate like morning fog.
Here’s what happens without follow-up:
Deadlines drift.
Performance dips.
Excuses multiply.
The leader becomes reactive instead of proactive.
The team silently concludes, “It must not be important.”
Follow-up Is Not Nagging; It’s Integrity
My best definition of integrity is what I learned from the great family therapy educator, Gregory Bateson, “The ability to integrate all aspects of a situation.”
And honestly? It’s also where leaders often reveal their own pattern triggers: fear of being pushy, fear of conflict, fear of confrontation, and fear of repeating what they saw at home growing up.
But here’s the secret:
Great leaders don’t avoid follow-up; they use it to reinforce clarity, build consistency, and strengthen trust.
Follow-up says
“I care about the work, and I care about you.”
Why Leaders Resist These Three Essential Steps
- They would rather be liked than effective: Old patterns whisper, “Don’t rock the boat. Don’t upset anyone.”
- Accountability exposes stress, disappointment, and vulnerability. Many leaders would rather overwork themselves than have one uncomfortable conversation.
- They fear the emotional fallout: Accountability exposes stress, disappointment, and vulnerability. Many leaders would rather overwork themselves than have one uncomfortable conversation.
- They think clarity is cold, but it’s actually compassion: Ambiguity is the real cruelty.
- Their own behavior isn’t always consistent: And it’s hard to ask for what you don’t model.
The Leadership Upgrade: Start With These Simple Shifts
Let’s make this doable.
Shift #1: Replace assumptions with agreements.
Don’t tell. Co-create expectations.
Shift #2: Make accountability relational, not punitive.
Use curiosity, not criticism.
Shift #3: Put follow-up on the calendar, not your conscience.
Systems help leaders lead.
Shift #4: Notice your pattern triggers.
Pleaser? Rebel? Avoider?
They all show up here. This is where “Don’t Bring It To Work” becomes real.
Shift #5: Repeat the trifecta until it becomes muscle memory.
This is what builds cultures of excellence and eliminates 80% of workplace drama.
Why This Matters More Than Ever
Today’s organizations don’t crumble from a lack of talent.
They crumble from lack of clarity.
People are overwhelmed. Leaders are stretched thin. Teams are hungry for consistency, communication, and courage.
Expectation-setting, accountability, and follow-up are the foundation of psychological safety, the very thing that makes innovation, resilience, and trust possible.
Leaders who master this trifecta don’t just get better results.
They build stronger relationships, healthier cultures, and organizations that actually work.
And here’s the kicker:
When leaders stop avoiding these three steps, they stop repeating their family patterns and finally step fully into the power they were meant to lead with.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS. Please consider doing the four-module online program “Stress Mastery.” Learn how to rewire your brain and move out of operating on automatic. Yes, stress, anxiety, doubt, and fear can be conquered and push you to new heights in your career and personal life.
