Summary: The patterns you inherited might matter more than you think. You’re sitting in a doctor’s office filling out forms. Heart disease in the family? Diabetes? Cancer? High blood pressure? Important questions. But there’s another family history we almost never get asked about: How did your family handle being sick when you were growing up? Here’s another way to think about health.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I have avoided talking to anyone about health since the COVID-19 pandemic. But it’s time for me to take a deeper look at health, wellness, and illness because I have been diagnosed with diabetes. The diagnosis came as a surprise since I eat a healthy, plant-based diet of organic food most of the time.
Can you give me some pointers on how to take care of myself as I continue to lead my team at work? I don’t want to become a whiny and fearful leader. Based on your work tying together how family and work connect, I believe you can help me moving forward. What do I need to know?
Signed,
Loves Life
Your First Healthcare System Was Your Family
Dear Loves Life,
Every family has unwritten rules about health. In one family, you don’t complain. You push through. In another, every symptom creates alarm. Some families trust doctors without question. Others are suspicious of them.
Many mothers become full-time rescuers when anyone gets sick. Some fathers refuse to admit they are hurting. There are families who talk openly about illness. Others whisper about cancer, depression, addiction, dementia, or anything else considered frightening or shameful.
And while all this is going on, children are watching and learning.
Long before you had a physician, therapist, or health insurance card, you were learning what it meant to be vulnerable. You learned whether pain should be expressed or hidden, or if asking for help meant strength or weakness. Early on, you wondered—we all did—if you should question authority or simply comply. And especially, if your needs mattered, or whether everyone else’s came first.
These lessons can become patterns that follow us right into the examining room.
Super Achievers may wait too long to seek help because there is always one more thing to finish.
Deniers often minimize symptoms: It’s nothing. I’ll be fine.
Pleasers usually nod politely at the doctor while never asking the question that really need answers.
Rescuers may become so consumed with a spouse’s health that they neglect their own.
Victims feel powerless in the face of a diagnosis.
Rebels resist medical advice simply because someone else is telling him what to do.
Same doctor’s office. Very different reactions. And underneath them may be patterns that began decades earlier.
This is Where Family History Becomes More Interesting
We absolutely need to know what diseases run in our families. But perhaps we should also be asking: What behaviors run in our families?
Who ignored pain or worried about everything? Who took care of everyone else? Why did some refuse help? Why did some need to control every decision? Who never questioned the doctor, and why did others question everyone?
And perhaps most important: Which of those patterns am I still carrying? (opens in new tab)Because awareness gives us something our family history alone cannot: choice.
When a health challenge triggers fear, we can notice the old pattern beginning.
Trigger → Pattern → Pause → Ugly Middle → Choice
The pause is where something new becomes possible. Instead of automatically repeating what your family taught you, you can ask: Is this response useful now? That question is a GLIMMER. It is the small signal that says the past may be influencing the present, but it does not have to make the decision.
We Inherit More Than Genes
Our families give us extraordinary things: resilience, humor, determination, faith, resourcefulness, love. They also hand us coping strategies created for another time and another generation. Some are worth keeping. Others need updating.
Healthcare becomes more human, and perhaps more effective, when we understand both. So the next time someone asks about your family medical history, think beyond the boxes on the form. Yes, know who had heart disease, cancer, diabetes. But also know who pushed through, panicked, rescued, denied, stayed silent, and who asked for help.
Your DNA tells part of the story. Your patterns tell another. And once you can see the pattern, you have a far better chance of choosing what happens next.
That is where healing is more than medical; it’s generational.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
P.S. My best-selling book, Invisible Stress: It’s NOT What YOU Think(opens in new tab) is a perfect starting point to see the connections between stress and generational family dynamics. Grab a copy, and then call us for a 1:1 session to look at your own health in a new way.
