Summary: There’s a new fear making the rounds, and it’s not fear of missing out. It’s FOFO: Fear of Finding Out. And honestly? This one is sneaky. Because it doesn’t look like fear, it looks like “I’m busy.” It looks like “I’m fine.” Or, it looks like “I’ll deal with it after the holidays,” (an adult version of “the dog ate my homework”). Here is what to do. And yes, you can do it!!
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
I have a significant fear that now has a name. It is FOFO, or “fear of finding out.”
For example, FOFO creates the quiet panic that says, “If I go to the doctor, what if they find something?” Or better yet, “If I talk to my boss, what if I discover I’m the problem?” Then, even deeper: “If I look closely at my relationships, especially at home, what if I can’t unsee what I see?”
I am, in your pattern-aware language, an avoider. Worse, at times, I am even a denier.
So I avoid, deny, distract, scroll, or snack. And I become numb.
I want to call it “coping.” However, I now see the patterns in your Total Leadership Connections Program. Thus, I can’t go back to being a “NOTSEE!”
Please help me get through the holidays and beyond, without using FOFO as an excuse.
Signed,
Becoming Fearless
Why FOFO Feels Safer Than the Truth
Dear Becoming Fearless,
First of all, FOFO is not laziness. It’s protection.
For many people, not knowing feels like control. Because once you know, you have to choose. You have to act. You have to change something. And change, real change, can feel like stepping into the unknown without a map.
Here’s the hard truth:
FOFO thrives when your nervous system is dysregulated.
When your system is on high alert, your brain doesn’t prioritize long-term well-being. It prioritizes survival. And survival thinking is very persuasive.
Think of it this way: “If I don’t look, it’s not real.” Or, “If I ignore it, it’ll go away.” And consider, “If I keep moving, I won’t feel.”
That’s not character weakness. That’s biology.
The Cost of Avoiding “Finding Out”
Avoiding information doesn’t avoid consequences. It just delays them and often makes them louder.
Health issues don’t tend to get better through denial. Emotional issues don’t dissolve because we keep smiling. And relationship problems don’t heal because we’re “being nice.”
What does happen is this: The body keeps the score, and the mind keeps the loop running.
In my new book GLIMMERS at WORK: Head, Heart, & Gut for Whole-Person Leadership (coming January 2026), I show how the workplace becomes the stage on which the unfinished story is acted out.
For over thirty years, I have been teaching how outdated, ingrained patterns (what I call “GLIMMERS”) need to be observed, understood, and transformed.
You then see, the way out isn’t brute force. It’s awareness. It’s learning to read the subtle signals before they become sirens.
GLIMMERS: The Science Beneath the Subtle
In my GLIMMERS philosophy, I focus on whole-person leadership, not just the head or the emotional intelligence of the heart, but the three: head, heart, and gut.
Because FOFO doesn’t start as a crisis, it begins as a glimmer; perhaps a tightness in your chest when you think about scheduling an interview, or a sinking feeling in your gut when you open that email from your boss.
Did you ever feel sudden fatigue when you consider having “that conversation,” or an inner whisper that says, “Don’t. Not today.“
Most people bulldoze past those signals. Or they label them as “drama,” “weakness,” or “overthinking.”
But those signals are not the problem. They are information.
A glimmer is your system saying, “Pay attention. Something matters here.”
And here’s what I love about glimmers: they don’t ask you to panic.
They ask you to get present, and they ask for coherence.
Why We Avoid Health and Emotional Realities
FOFO often has deeper roots than we realize. Many of us learned early, in our original organization, the family, that feelings were inconvenient, needs were “too much,” conflict was dangerous, mistakes meant shame, and asking for help meant weakness.
So, as adults, we became experts at managing appearances.
We may look functional, successful, even accomplished… while privately carrying anxiety, insomnia, chronic stress, overwork, or a quiet sense of dread.
And because we were trained to keep going, we treat our bodies and emotions like annoying employees: “Stop complaining and get back to work.”
But your body is not an employee. It’s your home.
The FOFO Loop: A Pattern That Repeats Itself
FOFO creates a loop:
- Signal (symptom, emotion, intuition)
- Fear (“What if it’s bad?”)
- Avoidance (delay, denial, distraction)
- Short-term relief (“Whew, not dealing with it… yet.”)
- Escalation (symptoms intensify; anxiety grows)
- Bigger fear (because now it really might be bad)
This is how minor issues become big ones.
Not because people are foolish, but because people are afraid.
The GLIMMERS Way Through FOFO
You don’t have to tackle everything at once. You don’t need a ten-point plan and a new identity by Tuesday. Start here:
1) Name it.
“I’m avoiding this because I’m afraid of finding out.”
Naming it reduces shame, and shame is rocket fuel for avoidance.
2) Regulate first.
Before you make the call or open the results, settle your nervous system:
- slower exhale than inhale (even 60 seconds helps)
- feet on the floor, eyes on something steady
- one hand on chest, one on belly
This is not fluff. It’s leadership inside your own body.
3) Shrink the next step.
Not “fix my health.” Not “solve my trauma.“ Just book an appointment, ask one question, tell one trusted person, take one walk, write one paragraph of truth.
4) Use head, heart, and gut as a team.
Head: “What are the facts? What’s the next logical step?”
Heart: “What do I need support with? What matters most?”
Gut: “What feels off? What feels true?”
GLIMMERS is not mystical. It’s integrated intelligence.
A Different Definition of Courage
Courage isn’t pretending you’re not scared.
Courage is saying, “I’m scared, and I’m going to find out anyway.”
Because “finding out” is how you reclaim agency.
It’s how you stop living in the shadow of a fear that grows larger in the dark.
And here’s the paradox: The truth is usually less terrifying than the stories we build to avoid it.
The Closing Glimmer for Success
If FOFO has been running your life, I want you to hear this clearly:
You’re not broken. You’re protecting yourself the best way you have learned.
But there comes a moment when protection becomes a prison.
And that’s where a glimmer appears, not as a flashing sign, but as a quiet, steady invitation:
“Let’s be honest.”
“Hey, it’s time to get support.”
“Come on, let’s take the next step.”
Because the goal is not to “handle everything.”
The goal is to stop dragging yesterday’s fear into tomorrow’s body.
Your life deserves more than avoidance.
And your leadership, at home, at work, and in your own inner world, gets stronger the moment you choose to find out.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
PS: Take the Leadership Behavior Quiz to see your patterns and identify what you need to change. No fear, just healthy information. And then call for a strategy session with one of our coaches.
