Summary: Remember playing hide-and-seek? You covered your eyes and counted to ten. Everyone ran. Someone squeezed behind the sofa. Someone crawled under the bed. And there was always that one kid who found such a brilliant hiding place that everyone eventually forgot where they were. Then came the words, “Ready or not, here I come!” We thought we stopped playing hide-and-seek when we grew up. We didn’t. Leaders, it’s time to bring those ingrained, outdated behavior patterns out into the open.
Dear Dr. Sylvia,
My executive leadership team is finally becoming more honest and, even better, more vulnerable. They are looking at the thirteen patterns you discuss in your books and programs. What is powerful with my colleagues is that they are naming their own patterns rather than finger-pointing at their teammates (even though everyone claims it really is more fun to finger-point).
My question is one I have been working on since I was in your Total Leadership Connections program(opens in new tab): How long does it take for the old pattern to transform into its healthy and positive opposite? You call it strength training, and I am getting stronger, but I need more encouragement. Any help is appreciated.
Signed,
Pattern Pioneer
What Are You Hiding?
Dear Pattern Pioneer,
I’m glad you and your team are working with the patterns. You might consider joining my new membership program, the Pattern-Breakers Leadership Lab (coming this fall). Inside, there will be numerous ways to help with pattern transformation. But for now, let’s take a deep dive into the connection between the children’s game Hide-and-Seek and our long-term patterns.
As adults, we’re simply able to find better hiding places. We hide behind job titles, busy schedules, perfectionism, sarcasm, etc. Then there is the way we talk to each other when our patterns are activated. For example, if you’ve ever said, “I don’t care,” or “That’s just who I am,” or my personal favorite, “I’m fine,” you might fall into this adult version of hiding behind the curtains with your feet sticking out.
You Didn’t Invent These Patterns at Work
After decades of working with leaders, teams, and families, one thing continues to fascinate me: The patterns we work hardest to hide from others are often the ones we’re hiding from ourselves.
Super-Achievers don’t say, “I’m afraid that if I stop achieving, I won’t matter.”
They say, “I have high standards.”
Pleasers don’t say, “I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed in me.”
They say, “Whatever you want is fine with me.”
Avoiders don’t say, “Conflict makes me uncomfortable.”
They say, “Let’s talk about this later.” (Later, apparently, is sometime in 2037.)
Rescuers don’t say, “I need to feel needed.”
They say, “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.” (Again and again, until they’re exhausted and quietly wondering why nobody ever helps them.)
Recognize anyone? Perhaps you? Long before you had a boss, you had parents. Before you had coworkers, you had siblings or other family members. And long before you sat around a conference table, you sat around another important table: the dinner table.
Family: Your First Organization
That’s where you began learning about authority, conflict, competition, belonging, approval, rejection, power, love, and loyalty.
You watched, listened, and adapted. Without ever consciously deciding to do it, you learned what worked. Maybe achievement got you attention. Perhaps being funny reduced tension, or staying quiet kept you out of trouble. Think about taking care of everyone else to earn approval. Maybe fighting back was the only way to be heard.
These weren’t character flaws. They were strategies. And many of them worked beautifully, until they didn’t.
Taking Your Patterns to Work
We grow up believing we’ve left childhood behind. Then someone criticizes us in a meeting. Or gets the promotion we wanted. Our boss ignores our idea. A colleague challenges our authority. Someone sends that email. You know the one.
Suddenly, the calm, competent adult isn’t entirely in charge anymore. Something older has entered the room. We attack. Withdraw. Prove. Please. Blame. Rescue. Control. Or smile politely while composing a response in our head that should absolutely never be sent.
This is why I often say: Strategy is logical. Stress is biological.
You can read a hundred leadership books and still find yourself behaving in exactly the way you promised yourself you wouldn’t. Because under pressure, knowledge doesn’t always run the show. Patterns do.
Ready or Not, Here Comes Your Pattern
Here’s the good news: Our patterns aren’t actually very good at hiding. They leave clues everywhere. The secret is to look for the repeats.
For example, think about the argument you’ve had with three different people, or the type of person who always gets under your skin. The responsibility you continually take on, and then resent. Perhaps there is a conversation you’ve been avoiding.
Then there is the criticism you can’t let go of. There may be the need to prove you’re right. The “yes” you say while everything inside you is screaming NO. We usually ask, “Why does this keep happening to me?”
Here’s a more powerful question: “What keeps happening through me?”
Read that again. Because that question changes the search. Now we’re no longer hunting for who is to blame. We’re looking for the pattern.
Stop Looking for What’s Wrong With You
This is at the heart of what I call Pattern Awareness. The goal isn’t to uncover what’s wrong with us; it’s to recognize what’s repeating. And once you see the pattern, something remarkable becomes possible. You create a tiny space between what happens to you and what you do next. That is where a GLIMMER can appear(opens in new tab), that split second when you catch yourself and say, “Oh. There I go again.”
You haven’t fixed anything yet. And, of course, you haven’t transformed your entire personality. While it would be great, you haven’t achieved enlightenment before lunch. You’ve simply noticed. Please, don’t underestimate that moment.
Awareness Interrupts Automatic Behavior
And interruption creates the possibility of choice. A trigger says, “React.” A GLIMMER says, “Wait. You have a choice.” That’s where real change begins.
Here’s my challenge for you this week: Just for one day, don’t try to improve yourself. No fixing anything, no judging. Simply become curious. Notice when you feel disproportionately irritated, defensive, rejected, controlling, anxious, competitive, or compelled to fix someone else’s problem.
Then ask yourself three questions:
- What just happened?
- What did I immediately want to do?
- Where have I felt this before?
That last question matters because sometimes the person standing in front of us isn’t the whole reason we’re reacting. They simply stumbled onto an old hiding place. And suddenly, something that’s been tucked away for years comes running out.
The Pattern Isn’t the Enemy
Most of our patterns originally developed for a reason. They helped us belong. Stay safe. Get noticed. Avoid conflict. Gain approval. Keep the family together. Feel important. Or simply get through something difficult. So the goal isn’t to declare war on the pattern. It’s to ask, “Does this pattern still deserve this much power in my life?” Because the pattern that once protected you may now be limiting you. And that’s where transformation begins.
Super-Achievers become Creative Collaborators.
Pleasers become Truth-Tellers.
Rescuers become Mentors.
Avoiders become Initiators.
Rebels become Community Builders.
You don’t have to erase who you’ve been. You get to decide who you become next.
Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are
Maybe growing up isn’t about finally getting rid of our old patterns. Perhaps it’s about becoming conscious enough to recognize when they no longer deserve to run the show. So the next time someone pushes your buttons, before you blame them, fix them, avoid them, please them, attack them, or send the email you’ll regret tomorrow: Stop. Look. Listen.
That uncomfortable moment may be telling you something. You may have just discovered one of your best hiding places. And that moment of recognition is when you can change quickly and easily. The childhood game was about finding the best place to hide. The grown-up game is about having the courage to be found.
To your success,
Sylvia Lafair
P.S. Ready or not, here you come. What pattern are you especially good at hiding? Take my Leadership Pattern Quiz(opens in new tab) to look your patterns right in the face and start changing them now.
